Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter #16 - Blood Noir (14 page)

He shook his head and started unbuttoning his shirt. “I’ve always liked watching people, but then once I thought I’d be an actor. We collect mannerisms the way other people collect stamps.”

I thought about it. “I guess that makes sense.”

“You took your high heels off the moment we came through the door last time. Get comfortable.”

It seemed like days ago that we’d first been in the room. I was drained from all the family shit that I’d witnessed. Jason seemed okay, as if the crying in the car hadn’t happened at all. He was a little hollow around the eyes, but other than that he seemed back to his usual self. I knew it was a lie, it had to be. Which made me wonder how often Jason hid his emotional turmoil back in St. Louis. If he was this good at it, he could be hiding how he truly felt all the time.

“What?” he asked. His shirt was open down the front, with only the French cuffs with their gold cuff links left to unfasten.

“I’m just wondering how often you do this in St. Louis.”

“Do what?” he asked.

“Pretend everything is fine when inside it’s not.”

His blue eyes hardened, and some of the strain showed in his face, but only for an instant. Then he smiled at me, and it filled his face up all the way to his eyes.

“I’ll eat if you make me.” He moved close to me. And just like that, I wanted to move back from him. He hadn’t done a thing, really. His expression was still pleasant. But there was a promise in the way he just stood there that made me uncomfortable.

“I’ll eat because you’re right,” he said. “I don’t need to be hungry when I’m under this much”—

he touched my face—“stress.”

That one play of fingertips made me shiver. I closed my eyes, not sure whether I was closing them to keep the sensation closer, or so I couldn’t see his face. His eyes weren’t smiling now. They held something too grown-up, too real, too…uncomfortable.

His hand slid along the curve of my jaw, to cradle my face. He kissed me, and with me in the heels I was a little taller. It felt different enough that it made me open my eyes. I was suddenly staring into his eyes from inches away.

“You look startled,” he said, voice soft.

I had to swallow before I could say in a voice that was oddly breathy, “I guess I am.”

“Why? We’ve kissed before.”

I stared down into his face. I couldn’t put it into words, but…I licked my suddenly dry lips and whispered, “I don’t know.”

“You look almost…scared,” he said, and he was almost whispering, too. I stepped away from him, far enough that he couldn’t touch me. That was better. file://L:\Azures L_Disc Shared Dowloads\EBooks\Anita Blake Series 1-17\(Book16] - Bl... 10/18/2009

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He put his head to one side and looked at me. “You’re nervous,” he said, and he sounded surprised.

I walked to the little sitting area to the side of the room, with its chair and ottoman. I sat down and didn’t look at him as I took off my shoes and set them beside the chair.

“Talk to me, Anita,” he said.

“Let’s order food,” I said.

He came and knelt in front of me. His shirt was still held in place by only the French cuffs. The shirt spread around the smooth expanse of his chest, the muscles of his stomach bunching as he knelt. I looked away again and started to get up. He put his hand on my wrist. My pulse sped under his touch. I stood up and was caught between Jason and the ottoman. I started to fall backward. He moved in one of those incredible too-fast-to-see moves. He was just suddenly standing, holding my wrists, pulling me forward. I ended up falling into his body, and he caught me around the waist. We were the same height again without the heels.

I was left staring into his face; the eye contact was so intimate, too intimate. I pushed at him, almost fought to get away.

He let me go, but said, “What’s wrong?”

I opened my mouth, shut it, took a deep shaking breath, another, and finally said, “I’m not sure.”

“Liar,” he said.

I frowned at him. “I’m not lying.”

“Normally, I can’t tell when you’re lying. You don’t even smell like you’re lying, but your pulse sped, and your eyes showed it. What’s wrong, Anita, please, talk to me.”

“Let’s order food first, and then while we wait I’ll try to explain.”

“You want the time to organize your thoughts.” He made it a statement.

“Yeah,” I said.

He nodded. “Okay, let’s find the room service menu.” His face was careful, closed down. He did not need me to go all weird on him now. I was supposed to be his refuge while we were here, and I was blowing it.

He went to the desk at the side of the room and found the menu on top of it. He opened it without looking at me again. But he was too good a friend for me not to see how he was holding his shoulders. The line of his body told me he was unhappy. Shit.

I knew what was wrong—my own weird internal argument with myself about sex. Nathaniel helped ease me through it, as did Micah, and Jean-Claude. Even Jason himself had helped me deal with some of my issues about Nathaniel when I was still trying not to be his lover. But though Jason could help talk me through issues with other men in my life, Jason had never tried to talk me through issues about him. I hadn’t known I had any issues about Jason. But I had one. file://L:\Azures L_Disc Shared Dowloads\EBooks\Anita Blake Series 1-17\(Book16] - Bl... 10/18/2009

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I loved Jason. In that friend way, yes, but he lived on that emotional edge for me. That edge that felt familiar. The edge that Nathaniel had lived on for a while. That edge that Asher had lived on. I had other men who were more frequently in my bed, but none of them were as close to that emotional moment. Love, whether it’s friendship or more, is like a cup. It fills up drop by drop, until one last drop and the cup is full. The liquid hangs there almost above the rim, hangs there on the surface tension alone, and you can feel that one more drop and it will spill over. Once, I hadn’t been aware of the process, but I’d had it happen too many times now. I couldn’t afford another spill. I couldn’t afford another man in my life, not like that.

Could I just not tell the difference? Was that it? Was I so confused about sex and love that without Nathaniel or someone else I couldn’t tell the difference between wanting a man for lust, and wanting him for love? Maybe, maybe. God help me, I didn’t know.

“I know what I’m getting,” Jason said. He offered me the menu. I took it, trying not to look at him. Trying not to let him read whatever was in my eyes.

He knew what he wanted. I wish to hell I did.

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19

JASON CALLED THE
food orders down: grilled chicken Caesar for him and grilled chicken sandwich for me. He had to argue with them to make sure they didn’t put some weird cheese or sauce on my sandwich. Who the hell puts blue cheese on chicken? He sat down on the bed, finally undoing the cuff links and taking off his shirt. He followed with his socks and walked around barefoot for a few moments before he bounced down on the bed and said, “Now, talk to me.”

I got up, walked to the closet, and put my jacket on a hanger, while I tried to figure out how to start. “I’ve never had sex with you when we were alone, except when I had to feed the
ardeur
.”

“Okay, I guess that’s true.”

I turned and looked at him. He was lounging on the bed, propped up on one elbow. I admitted to myself he looked pretty cute lying there. I didn’t want to admit it.
Get a grip, Anita
, I thought. I made myself walk to the bed and sit on the corner so I could undo the stockings. I had to lift the skirt to get to them, and that, too, felt too intimate. My fingers felt clumsy as I tried to undo the garters.

“Leave the hose,” he said.

I looked at him, and I don’t know what look was on my face, but whatever it was it made him slip off the bed and come to me on his knees. “Anita, what’s wrong? God, you look like I’m going to attack you or something. You can’t be afraid of me. It’s Jason, just Jason.”

I stopped fiddling with the garters, and tried for truth. It had always been truth between Jason and me. It was one of the reasons we were friends.

“I’m afraid of how I feel about you.”

He gave me a look I couldn’t read, and leaned back on his knees again, with them too wide, so his stomach muscles bunched again. I realized it was a position he used a lot on stage. It was either comfortable, or habit.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to say, Anita. Normally, I’d be the first one not to push, but I’m a little stressed tonight. Just talk to me.”

“I’m embarrassed that I want you, just want you. Not because of the
ardeur
, or any metaphysical thing, but just because you are Jason. I like you.”

“I like you, too,” he said. He looked at me, sort of perplexed. “But you feel bad that you want me, not because of the
ardeur
, but just because.”

I nodded.

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He smiled and took my hand, gently, in his. “That you could still feel this nervous around me is sweet, Anita. Really, it is.” He took my hands in both of his. “But I need you to work through whatever issue this is. We’ll eat, but then I need closeness. I need you to help me drown out this day. Do you understand?”

I did, actually. “Sex is almost the only time that I relax completely. Nathaniel jokes that it’s my only hobby.”

Jason grinned, and raised my hands up to kiss them. “It’s one of my favorite things to do, too.”

I started to blush and tried to catch it, knowing I couldn’t. “I don’t mean it like that.”

He kissed me on the nose. “You are so cute.”

I pushed him away and stood up. “I am not cute.”

He lay on the bed on his stomach, gazing up at me, still grinning. “You are cute, beautiful, but cute when you get like this.”

“Get like what?”

“Try to complicate your life.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re feeling all squidgy about wanting to have sex with me, right?”

“Something like that.”

“You have permission from every man in your life to be here with me. They all knew we’d be fucking like bunnies if I had anything to do with it. So you can’t be feeling guilty because you’re cheating. Cheating implies lack of knowledge. Heck, one of your live-in sweeties volunteered you for this trip.”

I crossed my arms under my breasts, and knew I was pouting but couldn’t stop it. “That’s sort of bugging me now, too.”

“Why?”

I shrugged, arms still crossed. “It’s not just the sex.”

“What is it then? Tell me.”

“I’m afraid that the way I feel for you will change.”

“That you won’t like me anymore?”

“No, that I’ll like you too much.”

He rolled off the bed and stood in front of me. “Anita, are you saying that you’re afraid you’ll fall in love with me?”

I shrugged, and didn’t meet his eyes.

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He touched my arms, peered under my gaze, so I had to look up and into his face. His face was a little surprised, and a little almost sad. It wasn’t the look I expected. “If I really thought that was possible, I’d be the happiest guy in town, but you are doing what you always do. You want me for sex, and as a friend, but you want sex and I’m here. But that makes you feel guilty for some reason, so you’re starting to try to convince yourself that it’s more than just friendship.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you do not watch me in a room the way you watch Jean-Claude, or Asher, or Nathaniel, or Micah, or Richard. I’m a little ahead of Requiem and London, and Damian, but I’m not ahead of the others. You see me now, your body reacts to me, and that is wonderful. I can’t tell you how I hated being the invisible boy around you.”

“I saw you,” I said.

“You saw me, but you didn’t
see
me.”

I started to move away, but his hands tightened on my arms. “Jason, I’m not sure I know the difference between loving someone and just lusting after him.”

“A lot of people get that one confused, but honestly, Anita. If Nathaniel were here and it were a choice, you’d drop me in a hot second, wouldn’t you?”

“I wouldn’t have to, he likes sharing.”

Jason grinned. “He does that, but if Micah were here you’d choose him over me. My ego hates it, but it’s true.”

“Micah shares pretty well, too.”

“He shares you with Nathaniel, and Jean-Claude, and sometimes Asher, but he doesn’t share you with me.”

I thought about that. “I guess it’s never come up.”

“Micah shares you, but he doesn’t enjoy sharing you the way Nathaniel does. My best friend likes watching you with other men. I don’t think the same is entirely true of Micah.”

I thought about it, and said, “I’m not sure what Micah thinks about the sharing. He’s cool with it, but you’re probably right. He doesn’t prefer it.”

“Nathaniel almost does,” Jason said. “Sharing you appeals to a lot of his kicks.”

“I guess so.”

Jason hugged me, and laughed. “Don’t talk us into a problem we don’t have, Anita. Please, please, I need you to just have uncomplicated sex with me after the food, okay? I need you to be a friend with benefits; don’t make it more or less than it is, okay?”

I nodded. Most of me even agreed with him. There was just that tiny voice in my head that said,
Be careful
. Maybe I was borrowing trouble, or maybe Jason didn’t understand that he had charms of his own.

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20

THERE WAS A
knock on the door. I thought it was food, but Jason said, “I don’t smell food.”