Antidote (Don't) (55 page)

“All furniture has either been moved back to Wales or stored at the MC base until needed,” said Ed, and Gray nodded a small smile as he made his way to the door. A final goodbye to me, a smile, Ed wandered back into the mansion, no doubt to do final checks of his own with the removal van still waiting out the back.

Gray held the door open, and I smiled down as I made my way past. Jack had taken a lot from Gray, including his manners, the simple gesture of holding a door open for someone saying so much.

“Can you make sure he gets his keys?” he said as we made our way over the courtyard. My Mercedes huddled next to Gray’s, Jack’s stored away over at the MC, and I was about to nod when a soft noise made me look back over my shoulder.

Music played in the distance, just gentle in the heat of the summer night, disturbing the darkness at the back of the Manor.

Now catching on to it, Gray frowned, Jack’s keys already going in his back pocket as he took his gun out of his jacket and made his way over. I followed, but if there was a thief trying to steal his way in back there, they were doing a lousy job of being stealthy. As we rounded the back of the mansion, past the swimming pool, through the tennis courts, a string of lights led the way into Gray’s maze, the trail of music doing a lousy job of giving away position.

We followed both through the twists and turns, Gray knowing the shortcuts, his gun now at his side, showing how much tolerance he had even for a lousy thief. But as we found the centre and stepped through, the music now a little louder, sending a soft pulse deep into my chest, Gray went still seeing who danced barefoot in the soft light.

Jack

I didn’t expect Gray to be happy seeing me here. Fuck knows, give me a mirror and I’d nut the bastard for showing me my unhappy ass. But this place, these two men...

I fucking loved it here. Everything it represented, what it meant, all the history it covered. My head walked a path of its own at times, leaving me with blurred edges trying to figure out the route it took without me, and I’d lost just how special this place was, how special these two people were. Somewhere along the line, that had all been fucked-up.

“Jack?”

Hearing Jan speak as he came closer, I went over, cupped the back of his neck, and pulled him in, tonguing him deep, yet keeping an eye on Gray as he stood over by the exit.

Jan went to say something, but I shook my head, glancing at him briefly. “I know you’re going nowhere, soft lad. I’m here for him.” Taking Jan by the cuff of the shirt, I pulled him behind me, then went over to Gray. I couldn’t meet his eyes, the fuck I couldn’t meet his eyes. Talking to him would be the hardest, I’d known that, and I was hoping this place.... I looked around us, I hoped that this place would translate something, most of the words I had difficulty always speaking around him.

He’d tucked his gun out of sight, but I’d caught that he’d held it; nothing more to him than a thief caught trespassing in the night. Giving a gentle stroke with the back of my hand to his, I caught a finger. The single touch triggered a barrage of emotion and I moved in so fucking quickly to rest cheek-to-cheek with him, needing to feel him on me instead of just
remembering
how good he felt against my skin. Giving a slight shift, just a gentle nudge at his jaw with my nose, I needed to see if he’d respond, shift, allow me private access to his throat, to him, even if it was just as a MC’s Master Dom to a first-time sub.

He never moved.

I hadn’t done emotion, not even with Doc Halliday, and I hated how Gray’s denial of me stirred it now. But then Gray being pissed with me always had knocked the life out of me. I stepped back, wiping a hand over my face.

“I lied,” I whispered quietly, heart falling as I looked around. “I said I’d do the bastard, always.” I finally looked at him. “When all that really mattered was the man.”

I shrugged. “Gray, I’m not here to apologise for fucking up your world. I know I have; I probably always will.” A smile touched my lips. “Do you remember this place? We stood here, that first night I met Brennan ten years ago?”

He didn’t answer; I didn’t expect him to.

“Friday night,” I said quietly. “You were hosting some charity event, and I’d hated how the manor was so fucking full of stiffs in penguin suits. So I stole a portable stereo, that one over there, in fact.” I pointed behind me. “Also some champagne, and left some cheese dotted about the place so I wouldn’t get lost when I came here.” I looked around the centre of the maze. “Brennan found me first, just watching as I made a prat of myself dancing my kata; then you, you came in through there.” The exit stood behind him. “Dark grey suit, one hand casually in your pocket.” I let a smile ghost my lips. “I remember thinking then, ‘Fuck me, I could do casual for the rest of my life.’”

Taking something from my pocket, I smiled down at the photo. Easing out a long breath, I let it fall casual on the floor. “I never even made the connection until Halliday asked me to remember.” Frowning, I looked up at him. There was so much more to that, but nothing that needed mentioning here. “Pack all of your things away, it won’t take away how much you’ve calmed my whole fucking existence through these years.”

Gray was quiet, his gaze on me, not looking at the photo. “What has your dad told you, Jack?”

I shrugged. “I know it wasn’t you, is that enough?” I found that blueness in his eyes. “Please?”

“You still can’t open up to me,” he said flatly.

“I can’t climb into my head and order thoughts as easily as I do my sock drawer; it’s not about talking to you, not yet, it’s about pace.” I gave that shrug again. “I wanted normal so fucking badly after what happened, I worked at the garage fixing engines, thinking each one I did was one more step away from what happened, one more step closer to normality, one more—” I gave a hard sigh. “One more step closer to Ed being pissed with me again, not haunting my shadow with that sad look in his eyes. But it was all just another compulsion, another way to force order on the chaos, and I didn’t fucking see it. I should have fucking seen, I—” I stopped the anger there.

“And now?”

“Slow and gentle,” I said quietly, and I offered a shy smile. “You, Jan... Halliday, you have a lot in common. But it’s not about keeping anything from anyone. And that’s something I need to explain to Jan, because Christ knows I’ve put him through hell the past five months too.” I gave a sad smile. “But I think he understands; I think it’s why you left him with me, you knew he’d still be there regardless of how much I fucked up.”

“And your hip?” Gray reached for me, but I instantly backed off, hiding it with my hand. Gray eased off almost in the same instant.

“Slower, easier,” I warned quietly. “There’s no magic cure. You know that more than anyone, Gray.”

“Yet you resigned from the MC?” he said angrily, followed by a hard sigh. The anger in it forced me in close—and I grabbed around his neck, pulling him in hard, just fucking held on as I roughed his cheek with a kiss.

“Not from you. Never from fucking you,” I whispered heatedly in his ear. “I got it wrong, so fucking wrong, Gray; I know I hurt you, but like fuck will I ever apologise for it.” I gripped his hair, forcing him to wince. “This? It’s such a good fucking hurt, it’s us. It’s the most fucking intense I’ve ever known: no kink, no chains, no restraint, just every goddamn ounce of right that comes with touching you. We both fuck-up so badly because of it.”

Gray dropped his head against mine, hands slipping into familiar hold around my waist. “Go back to the night we stood here with Brennan,” he mumbled quietly, “I wish to God I’d just admitted how much I loved the ghost I brought home.” A hand traced my back, stroking gently against my shirt. “I’d hear him haunting my home of a night. Tracing the walls by moonlight, he made everything of mine familiar under such a light touch.” Tears dampened the curve of my throat and a gentle kiss followed it. “I fucking loved how he mapped out every single part of my life as his. Marking... quietly claiming...”

A gentle nudge against my jaw asked for a kiss. I let him, shaking like fuck feeling him, all tempered wild wanting to wake, but afraid to. I hadn’t done touch yet, not even with Jan, and he seemed to sense it, keeping his touch light.

“I wanted you to wear my collar so fucking badly, Jack.” He kissed, just a ghost of his lips, so fucking tender, and nerves were instantly calmed. “My simple thank you, but also the need to show that you’d allowed me to map and mark my presence in your life, keep you there for when I came home. You’ve got no idea how fucking much I’ve needed you there every time I came home, stunner.”

“I’m here,” I said quietly. “Might take me a while, but I get there eventually.” I nudged his cheek, asking him to look at me. “May take me a while longer, but I’ll get there eventually.”

“Fucking hurts, Jack.”

“Yeah.” Taking something from my pocket, I slipped it into his hand. “You’re lost, mukka. But Jan...” kissing Gray’s cheek, I glanced at him as Gray looked down at the necklace, “smart bastard that he is, he had it right all along.”

Gray looked up and I ran a touch under his jaw.

“Just take what you hold and run the fuck away from any trouble.” I felt a tear slip free. “If it means me getting one leg, Jan the other, I’ll damn well make sure I take you with us this time, run the fuck into the woods until we’re ready to get back into life. And if anyone tries to get close to either of you along the way, I’ll break a few fingers and post them back to each member of their family for it.”

“Slightly twisted there, Jack,” mumbled Gray, frowning.

“Yeah?” I whispered, gently kissing his cheek, wanting to soak up his hurt. “It’s been known, baby. But the Master reins him in when it matters.” I closed my eyes, held on a little tighter. “And if you see that Master along the way, help me pin him down, kiss the fuck out of him, and just let him know how much I fucking miss him.”

“And if he still says no?”

I gave a sad smile. “Then just remind him I know where he keeps the key to his chloroform cupboard at the MC, and I come with friends.”

Jan came over and pulled him close, kissing at his neck. “Of course I mean Steve, because Jan here, well,” I tried a smile, “you know he’s not one for manual labour.”

“I am here, you know, and I’m taking note of everything you say,” said Jan, smiling a little, hurt more evident in his eyes as he nuzzled into Gray’s throat. Yeah, he’d fallen in love with him somewhere along the way, and I’d missed all the signals. Somehow that hurt more than what Vince had done. I’d missed so fucking much.

“Great. Add more to my shit-list, there, things, why don’t you?”

Jan came in hard, fast, his kiss nearly cutting my lips. “If it gets you to call me that again, fuck yes,” he said heatedly. “Always, baby.”

I returned it for a moment, breaking off when Halliday’s tricks of the psychotic trade kicked in with Jan’s cologne. “That just leaves big badass Dom here.” I looked at Gray. “You?”

Looking around the maze, he gave a sniff. “Ed—”

“Fuck no,” I groaned. “Stay away from the MC suggestion box with fucking the butler as well. Three in a bed is enough for me. Ed gets the dog basket in the kitchen.”

“He’s my grandfather, Jack.”

I caught how Jan’s smile had faded, how it matched my own. “You’re not bullshitting, are you?”

Gray shook his head, slowly. “No secrets, Jack. We do this, we do it slow, gentle, but all scars open.”

Frowning, I gave a sniff. “Your granddad, huh?”

Gray raised a brow, nodded.

“All scars open?”

Narrowing his eyes, Gray nodded again.

“A twelve year one that you could have told me at anytime and not let me make a fuck out of my naked ass?”

“One you could have asked about at any time.”

Looking around the maze, I shrugged. “Yeah, well, still hate the old—”

“
Jack
,” said Jan, pulling me in close. “Digging your grave with two shovels. Shut the fuck up and hold Gray. He needs it.”

Looking at Gray, I cupped his neck and pulled him in. “Needs it, huh? But will he allow it?”

I brushed my nose against his jaw, and Gray answered it, shifting to allow me in, to kiss. Fuck. That was all I needed. Gray’s brush of lips against mine was gentle. “At your pace,” he said quietly, “Jan’s—”

I rested my head against his, Jan still caught somewhere in between us. “Ours,” I said quietly. “All the fuck-ups that might come with it.” Jan’s dampness was on my throat. “Still hate Ed, though,” I mumbled to Gray, and he screwed his eyes shut, letting a very wry smile creep up.

“Yeah, somehow thought you would, stunner.”