Anything But Love (11 page)

But there was nothing stopping him from eying her curves as she walked in front of him, or admiring the subtle sway of her hips.

The first-date feeling carried over into dinner. Everything felt different, and not just because they both drank iced tea instead of wine or cocktails. He was aware of the candlelight that illuminated their table and the way it flattered Jessica’s creamy skin. She wore her hair down, the soft blonde waves moving like water over her bare shoulders. When she bent her head toward her plate, a strand would fall forward, and every time she tucked it behind her ear he wished he could do that for her.

They talked about cricket and rum and gambling, and the music and dancing they’d seen when they went to the food tents for lunch.

It wasn’t just a first date. It was one of the best first dates he’d ever had.

No, he reminded himself.
Not
a first date. Dinner with an old friend who was going through a rough time.

They’d finished their entrees. Jessica was sitting with her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand, gazing out the window. It was a clear night, and the crescent moon, a little bigger this evening than last, hung in the sky above the ocean.

He remembered the way she’d looked earlier that day, sitting at the bus stop. She’d been relaxed and happy until the moment she’d (sort of) propositioned him. But then her expression had changed, almost as though she was haunted by something.

What if I can’t ask you unless I’ve been drinking? What if it’s hard?

Why would it be hard to ask for what she wanted when she was sober? To kiss him when she was sober?

Maybe it wasn’t only about Jessica’s fear of acting on her impulses. Maybe there was something else going on, something beneath the surface. Something that didn’t have anything to do with him at all.

Something that was none of his business.

C
HAPTER
N
INE

T
he next day, he got to see Jessica swim with dolphins.

He’d had a restless night. Jessica’s delicate scent had floated toward him from her side of the bed, and it was hard to lie beside her without pulling her into his arms. His body craved hers, and he was starting to think sleeping on the floor might—ironically—be a more comfortable option.

Eventually he’d fallen asleep. When he woke, Jessica was already up and dressed.

He sat up in bed and dragged a hand through his hair. “Morning.”

“Good morning.” She came over and sat on the edge of the bed. “You know,” she began—and then she stopped.

“Yeah?” he asked after a moment, wondering what had happened to the rest of the sentence.

“Well. You know this is my day with dolphins?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well,” she said again. “Tom was interested in seeing the program, so when I reserved my spot, I asked if he could watch part of it. They said he could observe the last half hour. I thought . . . if you’re interested . . .”

“Sure,” he said.

Her face lit up. “Really? You won’t think it’s silly?”

“Even if I did, I wouldn’t say so after dragging you to an eight-hour cricket match. But as a matter of fact, I don’t think it’s silly. I’d love to go.”

“Well, then. That’s great.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a few printed sheets. “Here’s your information, where to go and what to do and all that.” She paused. “So I guess I’ll see you there.”

“See you there.”

A few minutes later, the door closed behind her and he had the suite to himself. He made coffee and spent some time with his smartphone, catching up on email and social media.

But it was hard to concentrate when thoughts of Jessica kept popping up. The way her hair shone in the sun . . . the way she’d looked at dinner last night . . . that kiss in the ocean.

He also remembered the girl who’d preferred animals to people and who’d worn a dolphin necklace all through sixth grade.

When she was ten, she’d started giving her birthday money to the Wildlife Foundation. They had a program where you could symbolically “adopt” an animal species, and Jessica had asked friends and family to donate in her name in lieu of Christmas gifts. The walls of her bedroom had been covered with pictures of tigers and polar bears and elephants—and, of course, dolphins.

Bermuda’s dolphin program took place on the western part of the island, and the quickest way to get there was by ferry from Hamilton. Ben took a bus into town and bought his ticket. As the boat motored away from the dock, he found himself recalling a short story Jessica had written for English class once. It was about a mermaid whose best friend was a dolphin.

The memory made him smile. Even if this was the only thing she got out of her trip, he was very glad she’d decided to go.

The dolphins—there were a dozen of them, according to the sheet Jessica had given him—lived in an enclosed lagoon. When he arrived at the program office, they directed him out to the habitat.

After he sat down on a bench near the edge of the water, he saw Jessica and someone else—a trainer, he assumed—come out of a low building on the other side of the lagoon. They were chatting away like old friends, and Jessica was carrying a bucket of . . .

Fish?

Of course, it made sense that a day with dolphins would include fish at some point. But somehow, he would never have expected to see Jessica carrying a bucketful of them.

There was a wooden dock extending out into the middle of the lagoon. Jessica and the other woman, both wearing black bathing suits and red floating vests, sat down with their legs dangling over the side. Suddenly a smooth gray head—no, two—popped up in the water.

Jessica and the other woman held out their hands, and the dolphins swam closer—close enough for the two women to hold their heads and kiss their noses.

Noses? Was that the right term?

After the kisses, they held their hands higher up and farther apart, which apparently was the signal for the dolphins to come farther up out of the water, offering their fins to their human companions. For a few minutes the women held on to the dolphins’ fins in a kind of dance, and then the dolphins dipped back down into the water before coming up again.

Now Jessica reached into the bucket, pulled out two fish, and tossed them to her friends.

Not only had she carried a bucketful of fish, but now she was getting her hands dirty—not to mention smelly—with them.

And Ben had never seen her happier.

He’d seen flashes of pleasure in Jess during the past few days, but this was something else. She’d had fun at the cricket match yesterday, but this was pure joy.

He leaned forward, captivated. She was eager, enthusiastic, alive, with a smile that lit up her face like sunshine.

She should look like this all the time.

Then she turned her head and caught sight of him, and her face glowed even brighter. She waved at him and he waved back.

The trainer said something to her, and then Jessica slid into the water. She started to swim, accompanied by one of the dolphins, and the two of them seemed alike somehow—fast and graceful and full of joy. Ben decided he could never get tired of watching Jessica like this.

In her element.

Ten minutes later the program ended and Jessica went into the building to change. When she reappeared in her shorts and T-shirt, her wet hair braided down her back, she came hurrying over to him.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly. “Oh, I’m so glad you came. It was a wonderful day.” She smiled up at him, still glowing.

“I can tell,” he said. An impulse made him take her hand as they left the lagoon area and headed for the exit.

She didn’t seem to mind—or maybe she was too happy to notice. “I didn’t think the experience would live up to my expectations,” she said. “Nothing ever does, right? But it was even better than I thought it would be. Do you know dolphins are right behind humans in terms of brain size? When you interact with them, you really feel their intelligence. Their personality. They’re so playful . . .”

She continued talking as they made their way to the ferry, with him asking questions whenever she paused for breath. After they’d boarded the boat and taken seats in the bow, he said to her, “You should do this.”

They were sitting side by side, and he still held her hand in his. The ferry pulled away from the dock and the breeze picked up, tugging a strand of pale blonde hair out of Jessica’s braid.

She tucked it behind her ear. “Do what?”

“Something with dolphins, or the ocean, or animals. You could buy a boat and sail around the world. Or go back to school and study marine biology like you always wanted. Or you could join the ASPCA, or become a veterinarian.”

She kept her eyes forward, not looking at him. “Just like that, huh?”

He squeezed her hand. “Not just like that. I know it won’t be easy to figure out your next steps. But you’re smart and you’re passionate, and when you’re doing something you love, you’re like a bolt of pure energy. That light is going to make the world a better place, Jess. You just have to figure out how you want to focus it.”

She was still looking out at the water. “How is someone like me going to make the world a better place?”

“Are you kidding?” He shifted on the bench and took her shoulders, pulling her around to face him. “All you have to do is be yourself. The woman I just saw swimming with dolphins will make the world a better place. You just have to decide how. What do you have to lose?”

She stared at him. “I don’t—I’ve never—” She shook her head. “That’s not how I live my life.”

“I know. But don’t you think it’s time to make a change?” He paused. “That night at the reception, you said you felt empty. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Your goal used to be meeting other people’s expectations. Fitting in, making your parents happy, satisfying someone else’s standards of good behavior. But that can be part of your past. Starting right now, this very minute, you can decide to take a different path. Even if it’s hard, even if it seems crazy, you can decide to do something you love.”

For a long moment they just looked at each other. Ben kept his hands on Jessica’s shoulders, wanting her to feel the warmth and solidity of another person’s presence. Wanting her to know she wasn’t alone.

Finally she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I wouldn’t know where to start.”

He smiled. “Why don’t you do what you did when you were a kid? Make a list. Write down all the things you could do with your life, even if they sound impossible. Start there. Then narrow it down to the things that make you feel the most alive, the most excited, the most happy. Then make new lists, lists of the steps you’d need to take to get there.”

Jessica looked at him, and he got the feeling she wasn’t thinking about her own life anymore.

He got the feeling she was thinking about him.

“Is this how you talk to your students?” she asked. “No wonder they love you.”

He shook his head. “They don’t all love me. These are teenagers we’re talking about.”

She smiled. “I know about your Teacher of the Year award. Remember?”

He brushed that off. “We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you—and all the new lists you’re going to make.”

“I’ll think about it. Okay? That’s the best I can do right now.”

“All right,” he said, taking his hands from her shoulders. “I can live with that.”

They sat in silence for a moment, looking out at the ocean and feeling the wind on their faces. The sun, behind them, struck golden sparks off the blue water.

“I’m sorry if I got intense,” he said after a minute. “When I saw how happy you were today . . .” He shook his head. “I wish you could look like that all the time.”

“I know.”

There was an undercurrent in her voice he didn’t understand. He turned his head, and she was looking straight ahead with an odd look on her face.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

When she met his eyes, he noticed that hers were the color of the sea. “I’m making a list in my head,” she said. “Just like you suggested. Things I could do to make me feel alive, and what I need to do to get there.”

They arrived back at the hotel a couple of hours before dinner.

Ben seemed a little restless. “I think I’m going to check out the hotel fitness center,” he said. “Do you want to come?”

Jessica shook her head. “I might do some snorkeling later. I rented gear for you, too, if you’re interested.”

“Yeah, that probably won’t happen. Snorkeling’s not my thing. I tried to breathe with one of those masks on once and it felt claustrophobic.”

Jessica sat down on the bed and smiled at him. “That’s because you have control issues.”

He was fishing around in one of the bureau drawers for workout clothes, but now he straightened up and stared at her. “What are you talking about? I don’t have control issues.”

“I know, I know—I’m the one with control issues. That’s the story, right? And yes, I definitely have them. But you’ve never admitted that you have them, too.”

“That’s because I don’t,” he said firmly.

“Uh-huh. Don’t you remember when I taught you to swim? It took me weeks to convince you to put your head in the water. And the only reason I was teaching you in the first place was because you refused to take lessons when you were little. Your parents practically begged me to get you in the pool.”

“That’s not because I had control issues. I had water issues. And I’ve gotten over them.”

Jessica reached down beside the bed, grabbed one of the snorkel masks she’d rented, and held it up.

“Okay, I’ve mostly gotten over them. When did you become such an expert on this stuff, anyway?”

“Because of all my control issues,” Jessica said. “I recognize the signs.”

“I see.” Ben grinned at her. “Well, I’m still not going snorkeling with you.”

“Snorkeling to you is like dessert for me. I let you talk me into having that sundae, didn’t I?”

“You only had one bite. And hot fudge sundaes are way more tempting than snorkeling.”

“You only say that because you’ve never been. I’m telling you, it’s wonderful.”

“Not as wonderful as ice cream.”

“You can’t say that until you’ve tried both.”

“Man, you’re persistent. I think I’m going to end this argument the old-fashioned way—by going to the gym.” He stuffed his workout clothes into a bag and headed for the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. “See you later, Jess.”

Once he was gone, Jessica went to the window to watch him stride up the path toward the hotel. As her eyes followed him until he was out of sight, she found herself smiling.

Something had happened to her on that ferry this afternoon. The joy the dolphins had sparked in her had combined with the joy of being around Ben until it felt like she was lit from within. Never in her life had she felt like that—like she had access to enough joy to drive out every last bit of darkness inside her.

She remembered the intensity in Ben’s brown eyes when he’d looked at her on the ferry, pouring out his faith in the human spirit—his faith in
her
—as though his own conviction and certainty could overcome her lack of those things. As though he could fuel her with his strength and courage and vitality.