Apprehension and Desire: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (2 page)

“Oh, if you could have seen poor Anne there,” Elizabeth cried. “It was so humiliating. Those people she works for are so horrible; the children she cares for are little monsters and their mother, so vulgar, so unkind.”

“Yes, sadly, it is quite a common fate for a governess,” Charlotte stated.

“A life of loneliness and humiliation.” Elizabeth shook her head. “Anne does not deserve it.” You remember what a brilliant, vibrant creature she was, both she and her sister, Amy.”

“Yes, but mind you that it was before their father’s death,” Charlotte pointed out. “Mr. Parker left his daughters with so little money that they had no other choice than to take employment.”

“I just cannot forget what I witnessed.” Elizabeth walked to the window and stared outside at the lush and green garden at the back of the house, biting her lower lip and furrowing her forehead. “Charlotte, I smiled at her. I wanted to greet her, but she pretended not to recognize me, though I am sure that she did.”

“You should not be surprised,” Charlotte said. “It must have been a terribly awkward situation for her. Once we were all equals, and now the situation has changed so very much for her.”

“Yes, it did change.” Elizabeth turned back to her friend. “But the worst is that… I cannot stop thinking that one day, and very easily too, I could become her. Oh, Charlotte, it is horrible. I am afraid.”

Charlotte stood up and stepped to her. “I know how you feel about it Lizzy. Believe me, I am familiar with that fear, and I know how it feels. It might have been my future as well, had I not married Mr. Collins.”

Elizabeth looked at her friend for a moment before saying. “Forgive me, Charlotte, for even mentioning that matter now, but you found me unrealistic when I rejected Mr. Collins?”

“I do understand why you acted that way.” Charlotte smiled kindly. “You know, it is easy to be romantic at the age of twenty. Your youth makes you fearless of the future; but in the course of time, more and more fears tend to invade. I am happy about my decision to marry Mr. Collins.“

“You look happy,” Elizabeth said with conviction.

“I had practically buried the hope of ever getting married.” Charlotte admitted, “I should thank you for rejecting Mr. Collins’ suit.”

Elizabeth said nothing to this, and Charlotte continued in a soft voice. “It is not that bad. I hardly see him all day long. I have my own home, and I know that my future is safe. That is most important in life, financial security. I will always have my own home and not be a servant to anyone like poor Anne Parker is. Mr. Collins is not the smartest of people, to be sure, but he is not intentionally cruel, never that, and he is quite… I would say, manageable. As for the more private side of the marriage, you know what I mean, it is pretty disgusting and loathsome, but bearable. And you can reduce it to a minimum quite easily.”

Elizabeth took her seat again, and after a long moment she spoke again with a wistfulness in her voice. “I always hoped to have a marriage like my Aunt and Uncle Gardiner.”

“But such marriages are so very rare,” Charlotte stressed the last words. “Waiting your whole life for something which may very well never come cannot be good or sensible. It can only make you become bitter and disappointed. I agree that Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are an extremely well matched couple, but to tell you the truth, they are the only such married couple like  I know.”

“Me, too,” Elizabeth agreed quietly.

“Life is not a fairy tale, and it is not like some romantic novel,” Charlotte continued in a sure voice as she sat down. “Forgive me saying this, but look at your sister Jane. She has everything a woman can desire, a rare beauty, sweetness and kindness, and what? And what?? Mr. Bingley paid her much attention, but then, in reality, he left her. In the last letter from my mother, I read that he probably has no intention of ever coming back to Netherfield. Do you think it is fair to be treated like that?”

“No.” Elizabeth dropped her eyes to her lap. “My heart bleeds for Jane.”

“That is why we have to take the situations that life creates to our advantage whenever we can,” Charlotte spoke with great conviction. “We cannot count on men or society to help us with it.”

“I must admit, I am more prone to agree with you than I have ever thought to be before,” Elizabeth agreed quietly.

“You will agree even more with me when I tell you about the fate of Amy Parker, Anne’s sister,” Charlotte said gravely.

“What happened to her? Did she take a position as well?”

“Yes, you can say so,” Charlotte lowered her voice. “She took a position, of sorts.”

“Of sorts…?” Elizabeth creased her dark brows.

Charlotte leaned in confidentially. “My mother told me that she became a mistress to a rich aristocrat. The man is a viscount, the eldest son of an earl, and he is already married to some equally titled lady.”

“Oh, Charlotte.” Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “Poor Amy, she was always such a nice person, and now her fate is even worse than Anne’s.”

“I am not so sure of that.” Charlotte pursed her lips. “From what I have heard, she was given a small house in the country and a good living. She is very well provided for by that man. In a sense, she is more independent than a legally married wife in many cases. If she economizes and invests the money she receives from that man well, she may live comfortably on it in the future, when the whole affair ends. I dare say that the only thing she lacks now in life is respectability.”

The maid entered, asking whether she could clean after tea.

Elizabeth did not say anything, lost deep in her thoughts, as the servant took the dishes away. Charlotte left the parlour as well to give instructions about dinner.

A quarter   hour later, Elizabeth found her friend in the kitchen. “I think I need to go for a long walk. There is much, indeed, that I have to think about.

Elizabeth ran down the stairs at the parsonage, her bonnet, which she held dismissively by its blue ribbons, dangling by her knees.

She was already by the front door, reaching for the doorknob, when she heard Charlotte’s voice.

“Lizzy, you are going out?” Mrs. Collins came out from the back of the house, wearing a large, flowery apron, which protectively hugged her elegant day dress. “You have already walked before breakfast today.”

“I know, Charlotte, but it is such a glorious day today,” Elizabeth cried happily, her eyes sparkling. “There is only a week left of my stay here, and I want to make the most of it.”

“We are expected at Rosings Park today,” Charlotte reminded.

“I shall be back before four o’clock. Do not fret, my dear!” Elizabeth cried, already on the path outside the house.

“Put your bonnet on at least!” Charlotte called from the threshold. “Elizabeth, the sun is strong today. You do not want to get tanned like a gypsy, do you!?”

Mrs. Collins shook her head at her spirited friend, who only waved her hand at her, running towards the nearby grove, putting on her bonnet hastily in the process. Sometimes she truly understood why Mrs. Bennet’s nerves were so affected, having such a lively daughter as Elizabeth. Sometimes she behaved like a ten year-old.

As for Elizabeth, she felt herself in high spirits today. It had been over three months now since she last had seen her dearest sister, Jane. Exactly a week from today, the manservant from her Uncle Gardiner’s was to arrive at Hunsford to accompany her and Maria to London. It was planned they would stay for another week in town with the Gardiners before returning to Longbourn. She stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and looked around, taking in the beauty of nature around her. She would miss the countryside here in Kent to be sure, but there was little chance she would visit this part of the country again.

Her stay here had proved to be very educational in more than one respect. For the last six weeks, Elizabeth had keenly observed Charlotte’s life, and it seemed to her that her friend’s life was truly happy. It even presented itself as attractive. Mr. Collins played such an unimportant role there. He was easily directed and easily disposed of. All day long, he was in the village, in the church, or at the manor being at every beck and call of Lady Catherine. When he happened to actually be at the parsonage, Charlotte always found a way to make sure he was occupied. She encouraged him to devote his time to preparing his sermon for the upcoming Sunday or to work in the garden for his health.

Mr. Collins, on his part, seemed to be perfectly content with such swift management of his person and daily schedule by his wife. He was always ready, and happy, to fulfil the wishes of his dearest Charlotte, as he constantly called her. The marriage had not added to his general sensibility, however, and Elizabeth often barely contained herself from rolling her eyes at the nonsense Mr. Collins spoke daily at dinner. At those moments, Elizabeth looked at her friend to notice that Charlotte had not even registered her husband’s stupid remarks  . Her most typical comment in such cases was: ‘Yes, yes, my dear, that is very interesting. Would you like more pudding?’

For the first time in her life, Elizabeth doubted whether her resolution of marrying for love only, not simply for convenience, was the right one. On the other hand, she knew that  were she  given a chance to respond to Mr. Collins’ proposal again, she would undoubtedly  refuse him once more. She began to allow the thought of sharing her life with a man she did not love, perhaps, but esteemed enough for his mind and intelligence to marry him. Her imagination started to create the figure of some as yet unknown gentleman, whom she would marry, without the deepest affection, perhaps, but with due liking and respect, as a means of ensuring herself a safe future.

She had known for sure that the life which the Parker sisters lived was something she wanted to avoid at any cost. There was no doubt that Charlotte’s life with Mr. Collins was a ten times better solution than the situation in which Anne Parker or, even worse, her sister, Amy, had been placed. For now, Elizabeth was convinced, or rather she was telling herself, that should there would be a man who could ensure her a safe, comfortable life, she would reconsider his offer, even without affection.

It had been in the second week of her stay at Hunsford that  guests had arrived at Rosings Park. They were Lady Catherine’s nephews, Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam. Elizabeth had not anticipated meeting Mr. Darcy, remembering him only as the prideful, disagreeable, arrogant man who considered her not attractive enough to even tolerate dancing with. In her eyes, he was one of those haughty aristocrats, like the man who had brought poor Amy Parker to such a shameful situation.

However, his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam proved himself to be a very different kind of man. Elizabeth had to admit that she had not ever met such an amiable, charming man since meeting Mr. Wickham and Mr. Bingley last autumn. Elizabeth was flattered that Colonel Fitzwilliam paid her attention, and she enjoyed his company. She knew that his intentions were nothing more than a light flirtation; he made himself clear enough on this, but it did not stop Elizabeth from anticipating their meetings.

Unfortunately, whenever she had a chance of carrying on a pleasant conversation with the colonel, his haughty cousin, Mr. Darcy, had to appear as well. He was always staring at her and making some odd unconnected remarks. Every time Colonel Fitzwilliam called at the parsonage, Mr. Darcy, to Elizabeth's great irritation, had to come as well. He spoke very little and just stared at her and his cousin chatting together with a sort of disapprobation in his dark eyes, if Elizabeth could read him properly. Perhaps he was afraid that she wanted to make a catch of his precious cousin and decided to watch to make sure that nothing improper would happen between the two of them.It amused her when Charlotte suggested that Mr. Darcy was in love with her. Her friend concluded that it was the only explanation for Mr. Darcy’s unusual behaviour, his staring, his seeking Elizabeth’s company, his daily visits at the parsonage, even the fact that Elizabeth quite often happened to meet Mr. Darcy during her solitary walks. Elizabeth laughed off Charlotte’s suspicions. She, for her part, was convinced that Mr. Darcy was the last man in the world who could have romantic feelings for her. He acted oddly, it was true, but it was not Elizabeth’s intention to waste her time trying to find the explanation to Mr. Darcy’s idiosyncrasies.

“Miss Bennet,” she heard, and turning around, she saw Colonel Fitzwilliam. Elizabeth waited with a pleasant smile till he caught up with her and accepted the offer of his arm. The colonel started his usual amiable chit-chat, and Elizabeth relaxed in his company. Suddenly, it crossed her mind that the colonel might have heard something about Mr. Bingley’s whereabouts, probably from Mr. Darcy himself. Jane had not mentioned Mr. Bingley in her letters for a very long time, and Elizabeth wondered what he was doing now.

“Do you know Mr. Bingley and his sisters?” she asked, making sure her voice had a light tone.

Colonel Fitzwilliam did not seem to be surprised with her enquiry and spoke easily. “Yes, I met them a few times. We attend the same club with Mr. Bingley, but he is more my cousin Darcy’s good friend than mine. I can even say that Darcy is very protective of him as his friend. He cares for him like a younger brother. I know, for example, that last autumn he saved Bingley from entering into a very unfortunate marriage.”

Elizabeth’s heart sank, but she managed to reply indifferently. “Oh, really?”