ARC: Essence (17 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I woke with a start sometime around dawn. The granite felt rough against the contours of my back, and Ryder slept soundly beside me. Even though he’d slipped down to the fire circle and gathered blankets for us at some point, the padding didn’t do much for the rock’s unforgiving surface.

My head hurt – not in the foggy, bleary way it had after the moonshine, but in a hollow way. Like everything inside my brain had been glassed over.

My entire body ached, and my legs shook a little as I rolled to my side and tried to re-bunch my blankets into a pillow. Did last night really happen? Ryder and me… Did we really…?

Panic welled inside me. I thought of Kadence’s lessons, of the registry in Rex’s office, and I realized that any shred of neutrality I had once been able to claim was officially gone now. I felt… different today. And I wasn’t sure I liked it.

Ryder stirred and made eye contact with me. His pupils were back to the right size again, and his whites were bloodshot. He looked like his insides had been glassed over, too.

“Morning, Red.” His voice was little more than a croak. “How’d you sleep?” He felt around beneath his blankets and added, “You have my pants over there, by any chance?”

My cheeks burned. Even though I was completely covered by the clothes I’d fumbled back into last night, I felt more exposed than ever.

I wanted to curl up inside myself, but I didn’t have the hazy, regretful feelings I’d had after moonbows. These feelings were different. I felt vulnerable, like all my insides had been ripped completely out of my body. My heart and lungs and bones were laid out in front of Ryder, and he could do anything he wanted with them. I was powerless to stop him.

“Ryder…” I didn’t even know what I was trying to say, but the lump rising in my throat meant panic was on the way. “About last night. You know… what happened between us? I just want to make sure…”

I wrung my hands together. I felt like something profound had shifted between us, and I wanted him to know that. “I don’t know exactly what the rules are for this kind of stuff, but I feel like what happened between us was a really big deal. Wasn’t it?”

Ryder smiled. “Course it was, Red. This was a huge deal for you, and I get that. Was a huge deal for me, too. You don’t regret it, do you?”

“No.” I didn’t know why I was being so weird all of a sudden, but I felt like everything that had ever existed between us hung on this conversation. “I just…”

Before I could answer, his expression changed. “Shit,” he said. “What time is it? I was supposed to meet my old man first thing this morning.” He looked around. “I’m so sorry, Red, but I really gotta run. He’ll have my ass if I don’t show up on time. You seen my pants?”

My panic came flooding back. In an instant, my heart and lungs and bones were outside my body again, and I was clutching my blanket lamely as he found his pants and began struggling back into his shirt.

I wanted to cry. I felt like I had just given my entire soul to him, and now he was leaving me.

Before he turned to climb down the boulder, he planted a quick kiss on my forehead. “I’m so sorry, Red. I have a reruiting trip this week; gotta hit the road first thing tomorrow. My old man and I still have to organize details so… I’ll find you later, OK?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded. And then he was gone, and I was lying by myself on a boulder with rocks jabbing into my back.

I returned to the campfire circle a short time later. Trey and Adrian were still sleeping, but Cody was busy tending the fire while Jett sliced a loaf of bread. Her pale roots and spiky black flyaways poked in all directions.

“Autumn!” she said. “I know you’re probably not super hungry, but you really ought to eat something. Also, drink water. Tons of water. How are you feeling?”

“Groggy. Weird.”

I wanted to tell her that I felt like my insides had turned to dust, but she stopped me before I could. “We call it the comedown,” she explained. “Not nearly as bad as a hangover, but… It’s like you’ve already felt all the emotions you were allowed to feel for the day, so there’s nothing left. You know?”

I did know – kinda – but I also knew I’d feel a lot less scattered if Ryder hadn’t just left me. “Ryder said he has to go on a recruiting trip,” I said abruptly, taking the bread she offered. “Aren’t you and Cody going with him?”

“Yeah. Don’t need to start getting ready until later, though.” She must have read my face, because she quickly added, “But hey, Ryder has a lot more work to do than we do. He has to set up all the logistics with Rex, and…” She paused, and her expression became serious. “Hey, Autumn? Don’t worry about Ryder, OK? Rex can be kinda demanding. It’s not… you… or anything.”

I nodded. “I need to go, too, actually. Chores. I’ll see you around, OK? Thanks again for everything.”

“You sure?” She tilted her head. “Can’t you blow ’em off or go in late like us? Comedown Day’s kind of fun, actually. We all just crash out and curse and feel weird together.”

“No, that’s OK. Thanks, anyway.”

She held my gaze for a minute, and the sadness that crossed her features reminded me of the wistful way she’d stood watch for me at the Balcony that first day. I thought she might protest, but she finally just nodded and glanced at Cody. “Hon, do you mind walking Autumn back to the trailhead?”

Cody and I set off through a dappled morning – fresh and cool but quickly warming as the sun burned through the remaining dew. Cody’s hair was skewed into an unruly cowlick, and he led the way down the trail without grace.

“Feel like a drunken bear this morning,” he explained as we walked. “I’m tripping all over the place.”

I tried to smile. Cody and I hadn’t spent much time together by ourselves, but his stoic support had always comforted me. I felt like I could certainly use it this morning.

“Feeling all right?” he asked after a minute. “MDMA didn’t agree with me the first time I tried it, but then again, I wasn’t dating anyone back then. Always more fun when you have someone to share it with.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it was… nice.”

“She’s right, you know.” He pushed aside some branches and held them back for me. “What she said about Rex? Dude demands so much from Ryder that it’s not even funny. Keep that in mind, OK?”

“OK.”

“You know, and…” He glanced at me again. “Well, Jett dated a lot of people before she dated me. So when we started spending time together…” He shrugged. “Well, it was kinda hard to see through the bullshit, you know? To see past all the things everyone told me about her? But look at us now. It’s been ten months, and I’ve never been happier. I really think she’s the One.”

He absently brushed his hand against a pine trunk. “I guess what I’m saying is, I think everyone deserves a second chance – including guys like Ryder that maybe haven’t had the greatest beginnings.” He attempted a smile. “Even if they do ditch you on Comedown Day. You know what I’m saying?”

We said goodbye at the trailhead, and I made it the rest of the way to the stables without incident. The only thing alarming about the walk was the nebulous feeling of insecurity that still swirled like a tide inside me.

I wasn’t even exactly sure why I felt so insecure. It wasn’t as if Ryder had said or done anything wildly out of the ordinary this morning. He had been funny and affectionate and flirtatious, and he’d apologized multiple times for leaving me.

That meant his feelings for me hadn’t changed, right? And why would they have changed, anyway? It’s not like I’d given him anything he could break…

I shook my head. I had. I had given him something beautiful and fragile and nonreturnable, and it was the helplessness of that giving that left me so unbalanced.

I couldn’t protect myself from him anymore.

I was chopping animal diets in the kitchen when I heard the footsteps. When I turned, I couldn’t help the fluttery feeling of expectancy that followed. Maybe it was Ryder. Maybe he had flowers. Maybe he had decided to blow off the recruiting trip and spend time with me instead.

But it wasn’t Ryder. It was Kadence, and she must have seen the disappointed look that flashed in my eyes, because she frowned and said, “Geez. Sorry to disappoint. Have you seen Javi around here today?”

“Sorry.” I took a breath. “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine.” She leaned against the doorframe. “We’ve missed you at morning meditation sessions, you know. You could come back.”

When I didn’t say anything, she sighed. “Well, have you seen him? Ahwahnee groundskeepers said he might be here picking up eggs.”

I shook my head. “He may be out back.”

“Will you tell him to find me if you see him?” She narrowed her eyes, and then her expression changed. “Holy shit, Autumn. You did MDMA, didn’t you?”

She didn’t look mad anymore, just worried. And as she rushed toward me, her worry changed to fear. “Autumn, you did. I know you did.”

“So what? Why do you care?”

“Because it’s dangerous.” She reached for my shoulders. “How much did you take? When did you take it?”

“Last night. It was just one pill; what’s the big deal?” I freed myself and turned back to my cutting board.

“Autumn.” She reached for me again. “Listen to me. MDMA’s illegal – not just for Centrists, but for everyone. It screws up your brain. Can even kill you if you aren’t careful. Who gave it to you?”

“Rex.” I frowned and thrust my chin at her.

“
Rex
gave you MDMA?”

“He gave it to Ryder, and Ryder gave it to me. He bought it to keep Ryder’s heart rate up, so it can’t be all that dangerous, can it?”

“It can.” The color drained from her face. “You’re sure Rex gave it to Ryder?”

I narrowed my eyes. “What are you trying to do, Kadence? Get Rex in trouble? Find out what he’s doing so you can report it back to your
stiffs
?”

I sneered the last word, and the look on Kadence’s face told me I’d hit home. “Stiffs? Is that how you see me now?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Autumn.” She sighed. “Look, I know you believe everything Rex and Ryder have to say. But I don’t, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” She narrowed her eyes again. “Wait. What’s that bruise on your neck? Autumn, is that a hickey?”

“What?” My hands flew to protect my neck. “What are you talking about?”

“There. Right there on your neck. That big purple spot. You and Ryder didn’t sleep together, did you?”

The shuffling of more footsteps signaled Ryder’s entrance. And then: “Seems kinda private, doesn’t it, Kadence?”

His voice was calm, but his smile wasn’t reflected in his eyes. As he strode forward to stand by my side, I could see his jaw was clenched.

Kadence’s eyes narrowed. “You know you shouldn’t have given her MDMA, Ryder. And Autumn, if you slept with him last night, you need to get checked out at the clinic right now. You actually can’t wait.”

“Why didn’t you tell me MDMA was dangerous?”

I blurted this the moment after Kadence wheeled on her heel and crossed the threshold. “And why do I need to get checked out at the clinic?”

Ryder remained motionless, but his expression changed, too. “Red, don’t listen to Kadence. She has no idea what she’s talking about. MDMA isn’t dangerous; she just doesn’t understand it.”

“OK. But what about the clinic?”

His frustration faded. “Well, that’s why I’m here,” he said. “Listen, I’m sorry I bolted on you earlier. I shouldn’t have left you like that, but my old man…”

“Why do I need to get checked out at the clinic?”

“It’s… It’s standard procedure. A precaution, really. No big deal. I’ll go with you.”

I shook my head. I didn’t know much, but I knew I didn’t want to have to explain myself to Rex.

Ryder seemed to read my mind. “My old man isn’t in the clinic on Fridays, so it’ll just be Daniel. Come on, Red, I’ll even treat you to dessert afterward.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

The strawberries were gooey, and they coated my fingertips with the sugary dusting that Ryder made a big display of perfecting. We were seated on twin lawn chairs on the Ahwahnee’s back porch, and the sun felt warm as we plucked them from a large ceramic bowl.

Ryder had been right about the clinic. Although Daniel seemed surprised to see Ryder by my side, he confirmed that MDMA definitely wasn’t dangerous if taken in moderation. After applauding my decision to take pregnancy prevention seriously, he simply marked Ryder’s name in my file, handed me a pack of birth control pills and gave me a small white capsule to wash down with water.

“Levonorgestrel,” he had explained, shaking it out of a large glass bottle. “May make you feel a little nauseated, but it will block your ovaries from releasing an egg. No egg, no fetus. End of story.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about interfering with my body’s purpose, but Daniel assured me the capsule wouldn’t terminate a pregnancy. It would simply prevent one from occurring in the first place, and “in a place as small as Yosemite Valley, we need to limit conception to couples who have made the decision to wed.”

Wed.
The word sounded almost as strange as the concept, so I was relieved when he changed the subject. Glancing at Ryder, he said, “You’re hitting the road soon, aren’t you, son?”

“Yes, sir.”

He made a note in Ryder’s file and turned toward the exit. “Very well. You should probably expect a visit from your father before you leave.”

I would have been more concerned about Daniel’s comment if Ryder hadn’t blown it off by saying, “Probably just wants to congratulate me on picking such a babe.”

As we sat eating strawberries behind the Ahwahnee, I was so relieved to have Ryder by my side that I didn’t even care if Daniel mentioned me to Rex or not. Ryder had said he was sorry for leaving, and he’d stuck by me at the clinic. He had said he would never leave me like that again.

Without meaning to, I found my thoughts returning to the stables. “Do you think we should apologize to Kadence?”

“What? Why?”

“For this morning? For being short with her? She was just trying to look out for me…”

“No. Definitely not.” Ryder rolled a strawberry between his fingers. “My old man knows what he’s doing, you know? And even if she can’t understand that… Well, she
should
understand that. None of us would even be here if it weren’t for him.”

I nodded. My next question came out of nowhere, but I couldn’t stop myself: “Ryder, have you and Kadence ever dated? Because there seems to always be this weird tension between you.”

He chuckled and popped the strawberry in his mouth. “You’re a perceptive one, Red. But, no. We never dated. I kissed her once, but I guess I was a dick to her the next day, and she hasn’t been my biggest fan ever since.”

“I see.” This news did kind of bother me. So did his answer to my next question: “Have you ever dated anyone else I know?”

“Yeah.” He stared at his hands. “Jett and I dated for a while.”

“Jett?” I couldn’t help my jaw drop. “You dated
Jett?
Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “I’m sorry, Red, but it was a long time ago. It was right when she got here, and I was still in my scheming stage, so…”

I jumped to my feet. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you dated
Jett
.” I don’t know why, but his omission felt like a betrayal. Like I was the only person in the entire world who hadn’t known.

“It wasn’t a big deal, Red. It’s ancient history, and everything’s good between us now. She’s dated a bunch of guys since, and she’s really happy with Cody, so…”

I thought of Cody’s words, of the way he’d had trouble seeing through the bullshit. Suddenly, I understood why. The bullshit was actually a long line of guys, and the first guy in that line was Ryder.

“How are you and Jett possibly still friends? And how are you and Cody friends at all?”

“Because Cody’s an awesome guy.” Ryder stood now, too. “He loves her, and she loves him, and we all agree that I was just a great big mistake, so…”

His composure crumbled. “Red, don’t walk away. Don’t… judge me for something I did two years ago. Please?”

He reached for me, and I may have been seeing things, but I swear he looked choked up when he added, “Please, Red. I’ve never been honest with anyone in my entire life, but I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to screw things up between us.”

I couldn’t help it; I softened. He reached for me, and his voice was quiet when he said, “Red, I’m sorry. About Jett, about Kadence. I’m sorry about this morning, and… I just wanna be a good guy, you know? This is new for me.”

I started to answer, but I was interrupted by a polite throat-clearing. And then: “Sorry to interrupt, but may I speak to you for a minute, son?”

Rex stood a few feet behind us, and his expression was gracious when he added, “Good morning, Autumn,” before ushering Ryder away.

They stopped about fifty feet from me – far enough that I couldn’t overhear their conversation, but close enough that I could study the similarities and differences between them. Ryder was taller, but he was lankier, too. His shoulders hunched forward as they talked, and it was clear that – regardless of Ryder’s confidence – it was Rex who ran the show around here.

The conversation continued, and Ryder suddenly frowned. He threw an arm in the air, and then he shook his head and stalked away. Stopping a few feet from his father, he stood with his eyes to the sky.

A pit formed in my stomach. I couldn’t tell exactly what was going on, but it seemed bad. And something in my gut told me it was about me.

Ryder finally nodded and turned to finish the conversation. Rex clapped him on the shoulder and left, and then Ryder stood there staring at me across the back porch.

I didn’t know what to do, so I waved and waited for him to tell me what had just happened. But he didn’t. He simply held my gaze for a few moments, and the look of defeated remorse that flashed in his eyes was so intense and heartbreaking it made my stomach drop to the floor.

Without a word, he turned and walked inside the Ahwahnee.

And he didn’t come back.

At first, I thought I must be mistaken. Surely he wouldn’t just walk away and never return, right? But the minutes stretched, and the pit in my stomach solidified into a weight. I felt glued to the chair – vulnerable again and bewildered.

What just happened? I wanted to chase Ryder and find out, but I also wanted to catch up to Rex and figure out what could have possibly been so devastating.

I chose Ryder. Rushing up the stairs to his bedroom, I took the steps two at a time, and my inner monologue became a racing swell of questions: What did Rex say? Why did you leave? You promised you would never leave me again.

I finally made it to the fifth floor. Javi was there – pushing an old-fashioned maid’s cart down the hallway. We made eye contact as I cleared the landing, but his expression darkened, and he quickly looked away.

Javi’s presence startled me. We hadn’t run into each other lately – probably by his choice – but our moment of unguarded eye contact was enough to throw me off. He had said Ryder would hurt me; could he have possibly been right?

I didn’t allow myself to think about that. Instead, I simply huffed and marched past him. Ryder’s bedroom was the second-to-last one on this level, and its door sat ajar. I stormed inside and found Ryder calmly folding clothes by his bed.

“What was that about?”

He flinched at my entrance, and I could tell he didn’t know what to say. “My old man thinks…” He cleared his throat and dropped a shirt on the bed. “He thinks it’s best if I concentrate on my research right now.”

“Your research?” I didn’t understand, and then it hit me. My wall of fury crumbled, and insecurity stung so hard at my insides that my voice became a whisper. “Your research… instead of me.”

“Right.” He clenched his jaw. “Thinks my readings will go soft if I spend time with you.”

“But Ryder, I’m walking Taft Point with you! I’m helping you, and we’re proving the Essence theory wrong together.”

“I know. That’s what I said.”

“And your readings... Well, look at what happened last night. How can he possibly say this isn’t good for you?”

“I know. I told him that, too, but…” He tapped the clothes in his hand. “He says our readings will peak at first, but once you and I have… settled, our readings will plateau. And right now, at the end of our first phase of research, he doesn’t think it’s the best time for me to…”

“But there are couples all over the Valley! Hundreds of them, and
families
… And how can he possibly justify–?”

“Because I’m the show pony.” Ryder’s expression collapsed. He tossed his clothes aside. “I need to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else here. I’m patient
number zero-zero-three
; my readings are more valuable than anyone else’s.”

“But Ryder…” Tears sprang to my eyes. “What are you saying? You’re not actually listening to him about this, are you?”

“I can’t say no to him. I can’t possibly say no to him; look at everything he’s done for me.”

“Ryder, listen to me. You just finished telling me you didn’t want to screw things up between us. You said you wanted to be honest with me. Were you lying then, or are you lying now?”

“I wasn’t lying then.” He stared at his bed.

“OK. So you were telling the truth then. And the truth is that you want to be with me?”

He nodded.

I reached for his hand. “Ryder, we’re going prove the Essence theory wrong. We don’t have to be apart to do that.”

He nodded again, and his hand tightened around mine. A light seemed to form behind his eyes, and his voice became determined when he whispered, “We just won’t let ourselves plateau.”

“Right.” Relief swelled inside me. “We just won’t plateau. We’ll show Rex this is the right decision, and our readings will be even stronger than they would have been otherwise.”

“He won’t even have to know. Until after, when we’ve done what we need to do.”

Hesitation seized me, but I fought it and nodded. Ryder was right; Rex didn’t need to know until we’d proved him wrong.

“We’ll kick Taft Point’s ass, and we’ll do it together,” he finished, pulling me to sit on the bed beside him. “Will you practice while I’m gone?”

“Every day.” I fought the swell of discomfort that rose inside me at the thought of having to date him in secret, and I tried to muster a smile. “And I’ll get Trey and Adrian to help me move the slackline to two trees that are farther apart.”

“Great.” He began rushing around the room and tossing things in his suitcase. “Taft Point is almost exactly one hundred feet from one side to the other. I think you’re ready to stretch the line to fifty or sixty now at least.”

His smile widened when he rushed back toward me. “Red, you’re brilliant,” he said, kissing my forehead. “We’ll show my old man we know what we’re doing, and we’ll stay elevated in the process. It’s the perfect plan, and you’re the perfect girl for it. You with me?”

“I’m with you.”

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me with an intensity I hadn’t felt from him before. He kissed me like he needed me, too.