Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me? (7 page)

Then, only pausing to give me the look of death, she octopussed off.

Jas was as red as I have ever seen her. And that is saying something.

Rosie said, “She wants you to go round to hers for ‘extras,’ if you know what I mean. And I think we all know what she means.”

Actually, it was quite funny in a way.

I said, “Oy, Jas, in the big snogging scene between Rom and Jul…what number do you think you will get up to with Wet Lindsay? Open-mouth kissing with tongues?”

Jas was getting the defensive hump.

“Look, stop being so stupid. It’s called acting—it’s not snogging. It’s only pretend snogging.”

I said, “That’s what you will say to Lindsay, but she won’t take no for an answer. If she wants to do
Abschiedskuss
with you, she will.”

Rosie leapt to her feet. “She might want to do
AUF’S GANZE GEHEN
!!”

And she started doing the flame dance around Jas. It was making me laugh a lot and not in a girlish, tinkling way. I was trying to pull myself together when Sven and the rest of the lads came in from their blind football.

ten minutes later

The Stiffs are playing a new one: “Tell Me About Yourself Sometime.” Robbie and Masimo are doing lead vocals. Wow, they both look cool. And one of them is my ex and one of them is mine mine miney mine mine. I am indeed the SEX KITTY of all England!!!!!

two minutes later

I’ll tell you for free who does not think I am a Sex Kitty. Dave the Laugh. I saw him at the bar laughing with some of his mates and he caught me looking at him. And he stopped laughing and just nodded his head. Like I was just someone he knew, but didn’t like that much. Then he turned his back on me and started talking and laughing again.

fifteen minutes later

I am sitting by myself because it’s a slow number and the gang are all smooching with their boyfriends. Dave is dancing with Emma. He does smoochy smooch for a bit and then every now and again does fast twisting to the floor and sort of Cossack dancing. He used to do that with me. Emma is really laughing, but she is not joining in. I would have joined in. Like in the old days.

I think I might go to the tarts’ wardrobe until the song’s over.

five minutes later

When I came back in, the band were playing the last number of the set. It’s called “Hold Me Back” and it’s really wild. One of the St. Pat’s boys I see quite a bit of at the footie and at gigs and so on came over. I think he’s called Chunky, but I can’t be sure. He is a bit chunky, but in a nice way. Anyway, he asked me to dance. I was going to say no, but then I thought I’m not the Virgin of Rheims. It’s only Dave I have to be cool about, so I said yes.

three minutes later

Oh no. Sven has started doing the conga.

I’m deffo not going to join in…

Oh, I’ve joined in.

I am doing the conga.

My shoes are killing me and also I am about two meters high. Please don’t let me fall over and display my nick-nacks to a Luuurve God and also a Sex God.

Also, Masimo is bound to notice that Sven and Rosie are wearing matching lurex jumpsuits. And that they are my mates.

I must escape to recapture my sophisticosity. I do not want to do a second round of conga where I end up in front of the stage next to Rosie and Sven in matching lurex jumpsuits. At a convenient moment, as we passed the door to the loos, I slipped off. I said a quick
“adios”
to Chunky and flung myself into the tarts’ wardrobe….

I stumbled in and took off my shoes. Ow ouchy ow ouch. Why can’t Mum buy sensible shoes? She’ll ruin my feet at this rate. I took my tights off and stuck one of my poor feet into the sink.

That’s when I saw four eyes looking at me…

“What in the name of arse?”

It was the Little Titches.

From their hidey-hole beneath the sink they said, “Hello, miss.”

I said, “Will you stop calling me ‘miss.’ And what are you doing under the sink?”

They got up. Well, I think they did. They are so titchy, it’s hard to tell.

The Ginger Titch said, “We shouldn’t really be under this sink.”

I said, “You can say that again.”

And the other one said a bit more loudly, “We shouldn’t really be under this sink.”

Dear
Gott in Himmel.

I said, “Well, why are you then?”

“We snuck in the back way because we wanted to see the band. We’re not allowed to do anything at home. It’s like prison. Our parents just watch what they want on television and we have to eat what they have and so on.”

Yeah, it’s tough out there.

Ginger went on, “Do you think we could sneak into the club behind you and just go and say hello to Dave the Laugh?”

The other one said, “We’ve got something we want to give him.”

Aaaahhh. That is so sweet.

I said, “Have you made him a card or something?”

Ginger said, “No, we just want to do number
a quarter on the Snogging Scale with him.”

What what????

I said, “What in the name of arse is number a quarter on the Snogging Scale, and by the way, how do you know about the Snogging Scale?”

The littlest one went a bit red.

“Because we heard you in the loos. We were hiding in there one break and we heard you and made our own one up.”

You see. And Slim says I do nothing to set an example to the youth of today!

I said, “Go on then, what is it?”

They both said together, “It’s kissing hands.”

Oooh. This I have to see.

three minutes later

Came out of the tarts’ wardrobe. Ouch, bloody ouchy ouch, I’m sure my feet have swollen up. I am without doubt the patron saint of Titches.

I saw Masimo and the Dylans talking to some big blokes in suits. They started going up the stairs to the mezzanine floor of the club. I suppose for a bit of privacy for their meeting. Masimo saw me and blew me a kiss. Robbie was behind him and he smiled at me, too. Double resultio!! But
then Wet Lindsay arrived on the scene and slimed up the stairs behind Robbie and she put her hands over his eyes like a blindfold. She said, “Guess who, babe?”

Ooohhhh, it was so full of embarrassmentosity. Robbie looked really uncomfortable because she was just hanging around his neck and the others were waiting to get on with the meeting. If she starts doing all that “Wickle Lindsay can’t climb up the BIG stairs,” we’ll all have a communal throw-up.

In the end, he disentangled himself and Wet Lindsay went to the far end of the club.

Erlack.

How can Robbie stand it?

two minutes later

Jas was sitting on Tom’s knee, and as I came up to her, I heard her say, “I think the crabs are moving their little wheel.”

I said, “Jas, go and distract your new boyfriend, Wet Lindsay, while I sneak the two Titches to see Dave the Laugh.”

She said, “Why would I do that?”

I said, “Because you are an all-round tip-top egg. Isn’t she, Tom?”

Tom kissed her cheek and said, “Yes, she is. But I’m very jealous of her new boyfriend.”

Jas went all girlie and red. “Stop it, you two, it’s just a play!”

I raised my eyebrows.

Jas quickly said, “Why do the Titches want to see Dave?”

“They want to do number a quarter on the Snogging Scale with him.”

Jas said, “There isn’t a quarter.”

I said, “There will be in a minute if you get your skates on. Please, Jazzy Spazzy, let the Little Titches get to number a quarter with Dave. They are unhappy at home—they are not even allowed Jammy Dodgers.”

In the end, Jas sloped off to do distracting-the-octopus work.

It’ll cost me twenty-two million years of talking to her about Hunky going off to Hamburger-a-gogo land, but as I have said, I should really be knighted for my services to small humankind.

four minutes later

The Titches are marching smartly behind me, being inconspicuous. If you think that hunching your
shoulders and looking furtively around like mad hamsters is inconspicuous.

Dave was still at the bar, joshing with his mates.

No sign of Emma. She was probably off somewhere practicing her smiling.

I was quite nervy now that we were actually behind him. I hadn’t really thought about how it might go. What if he was genuinely horrible to me, in front of everyone?

Girdey loins, girdey loins.

The Little Titches were practically vibrating with excitement.

I tapped Dave on the shoulder.

“Dave, could I just have a word?”

He turned round and looked at me.

Now I deffo had the droop. He wasn’t smiling or talking. He didn’t even have the good manners to say hello.

I said, “Well, erm, I’ve got the Titches with me.”

They bobbed out from behind me, and Dave smiled at them.

“Hello, little Sex Kitties.”

They bobbed back behind me, but said together, “Hello, Dave the Laugh.”

He was being nice to them, but not to me. I plowed on. “They wanted to ask you to do something for them.”

Dave raised his eyebrows and then he looked at me and went, “Gnot nis nit?”

I said, “I beg your pardon?”

He looked at me again and went, “GNOT nis nit?”

It was like really crap ventriloquism, you know, when someone tries to say “Bottle of beer” as a ventriloquist, without moving their lips, and it comes out “Gottle og geer”?

Well, like that.

I said, “Dave, why are you keeping your mouth shut?”

Dave looked at me with his eyes very wide.

“Necoz nime nog sunosed nu sneek nu uuu.”

What is he doing?

The Titches said, “He says he is not supposed to speak to you.”

Oh, I see.

I said, “I never said don’t speak to me.”

“Nu nid.”

“Dave, if you keep this up, we’ll be here all night.”

“Nay norry.”

“Nay norry?”

Ginger said, “He says you have to say sorry.”

Oh,
sacré bleu.
Oh, alright then.

I said, “I’m sorry.”

Dave shook his head.

“Nay norry narti.”

Nay norry narti? Were we doing some sort of crap Olde English songe? Were we going to start morris dancing and hitting each other with tambourines now?

Little Titch said, “He wants you to say ‘sorry, Vati.’”

This was ridiculous.

Dave was just looking at me, sipping his drink. Leaning on the bar.

I said, “Oh, gadzooks, OK. I’m sorry—Vati.”

Dave said, “Oh, hello, Georgia. I didn’t see you hiding behind the Titches.”

He is sooo annoying. But, anyway, at least he was talking to me again.

I smiled at him and he smiled back. He’s got a lovely smile.

Shut up, brain.

Anyway, I had a mission.

“The Titches wanted to see you and do their tribute to you.”

One of the Titches said, “We got a reprimand each for it.”

Dave said, “Good girls.”

In a lunatic way it was quite touching to see the Titches do their little tribute.

They stood in front of him and did actions as they sang (badly):

“We love you, Dave the Laugh, we do
(nodding and touching hearts and pointing at Dave)

When we’re not near to you, we’re blue
(pretend crying)

We love you, Dave the Laugh, we do
(more nodding)

Oh, Dave the Laugh, we love you!!!”
(manic stamping and snogging of their hands)

They really snogged their hands, a bit like Libby with Mr. Potato Head.

And also the stamping was truly manic. I’m not surprised they broke the toilet seat.

Dave is not often lost for words, but he acted
as if he had never had small girls snogging their own hands in front of him before.

He was laughing and he said, “That was, and I am proud to say it…sensationally mad.”

Then they went all red.

Ginger said, “Faaanks, Dave, you are the bestiest. Bye, miss. Huddly duddly.”

And off they scampered.

I felt rather proud.

I am like the Godmutti.

It was just me and Dave, as the rest of his mates had backed off when the Titches had started their tribute to him. They had sloped off to “impress” some girls that were being harassed by the Blunderboys.

I said to Dave, “Fanks for that, Dave.”

He said, “Forgive me if I’m right, but aren’t we not talking to each other?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“It is.”

“Well, I know, but I only meant until Masimo cooled down and got off the numpty seat.”

“And has he? Or will he be attacking me with his hair gel when I go to the wazzarium?”

I didn’t want to have to talk about the Luuurve
God to Dave. It made me feel funny so I said, “I’m looking forward A LOT to
Rom and Jul,
comedywise I think it will outdo
MacUseless
. There might be clowns and for the
pièce
of resistance, Jas is going to snog Wet Lindsay.”

That got his attention.

He said, “Now you’re talking my language. I’ve always loved the Bird of Avon, as you know. I thought Melanie’s basooma juggling was a triumph, but now, girl snogging? As Billy himself would have said, ‘My tights runneth over.’”

I started laughing.

Then Dave looked at me. Quite intensely. Whenever I get near him, I feel sort of hypnotized. Well, my lips do….They were puckering up without my permission…nooo. He looked down and away, and then he said, “It’s not a topless production, is it?”

Just at that point Emma came back. All Emmaish. Why is she so keen on everything? She gave me a hug and linked up with Dave. She said, “Hi, Gee. Is it all cool with Masimo? If I didn’t have the best boy, I would say that he was deffo the fittest.”

Then she turned and kissed Dave on the cheek. “But no one compares to the Hornmeister.”

Dave smiled and I smiled. But I didn’t really want to smile. And I don’t think he felt on cloud nine actually.

I didn’t want to hang round with the two of them. It felt a bit odd.

So I did s’laters.

And went into the tarts’ wardrobe for a bit of a sit down on the loo, feet up in the air sort of thing.