Authors: Marion Appleby
Are We Live? (5 page)
CLOSE YOUR EARS
Kids’ television is a high-octane assault on the senses, full of throbbing lights, lots of noise and daft skits. But what happens when you invite that really cool band to come on and play their slightly risqué new song? Or when a naughty little cherub decides to call into the morning phone-in and shout obscenities down the line …?
Endless rounds of press junkets when they’ve got a new single to promote can mean pop groups are often overexposed. So you can perhaps forgive the foul-mouthed few who’ve let rip at the latest boy band live on air.
In 1984, a naughty man called Simon Roberts decided to use the forum of a Saturday-morning children’s television programme to tell eighties pop group Matt Bianco exactly what he thought of them.
Mike Read:
Simon Roberts on the line. Hello, Simon.
Simon Roberts:
Hello.
Mike Read:
You’re through to Matt Bianco.
Simon Roberts:
Hello, Matt Bianco.
Matt Bianco:
Hello!
Simon Roberts:
You’re a bunch of wankers.
[Sound of dial tone.]
Mike Read:
Hello. . .? He’s gone.
Saturday Superstore
, BBC One
In 1989, squeaky-clean TV presenter Anthea Turner was seriously injured when pyrotechnics exploded in her face live on Saturday-morning children’s television program
UP2U
.
Presenting a piece to camera from the back of a truck, a very young Turner can be seen grinning and swinging her legs before a motorcycle stuntman emerges from the vehicle and a huge explosion propels her to the ground. In a darkly ironic twist, Turner’s last words before the blast were, ‘If you want something to happen to you …’ Unfortunately, the poor lady was left with some quite serious burns and temporary hearing loss, and ended up suing the BBC.
‘Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language – and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control.’
CHILDREN’S
AUTHOR
DONNA
GEPHART
Naughty Eliot Fletcher decided to give pop group Five Star a piece of his mind when he called into kids’ TV show
Going Live!
in 1989.
Sarah Greene:
OK, Eliot, what’s your question?
Eliot Fletcher:
I’d like to ask Five Star why they’re so fucking crap! They’re fucking mother— [cut off]
Sarah Greene:
Thanks very much, Eliot! Nice to hear from you. Let’s move on to line three. Have you got a sensible question?
Going Live!
, BBC One
Sometimes it’s the celebrities themselves that forget where they are and utter words that shouldn’t see the light of day on children’s TV.
In 2003, in a segment in which celebrity guests review the latest singles on ITV’s Saturday-morning children’s show
CD:UK
, guest, serial-swearer Bob Geldof, let it all hang out.
He started fairly tamely by professing his enthusiasm for Irish band the Thrills. After a video of their new single ‘Don’t Steal Our Sun’ had run, Geldof told presenter Cat Deeley, ‘They’re a proper band, aren’t they, there’s no sort of dicking around.’ Clearly warming to his theme, Geldof wouldn’t take no for an answer when it turned out there wasn’t enough time left to show the final single. ‘Do it anyway,’ he told Deeley. ‘Fuck the tape! Come on!’
Iggy Pop once appeared on ITV’s live Saturday-morning children’s television programme
No. 73
, performing the song ‘Wild One’ as he simulated sex with a giant teddy bear.
Although Iggy somewhat heroically managed to keep his top on for the whole of the performance, he did simulate sexy times with a teddy bear, thrusting the stuffed toy’s bottom to the general area of his own crotch. Iggy reportedly found it ‘quite difficult’ to secure bookings on British television for ‘some time’ thereafter.
In November 2009,
X Factor
UK rejects twins John and Edward Grimes made an inauspicious debut on RTÉ’s ever-popular
The Late Late Show
spin-off,
Toy Show
. Keen to show off his talents, an excitable John decided to walk on his hands and do the splits at the same time …with the inevitable result to his trouser gusset. ‘Oh, shit,’ said the tower-haired pop star. ‘I’ve ripped my pants. Oh, my God, that was not planned.’ Luckily the show aired post-watershed at 11pm.
MAKING WAVES
