Arian (17 page)

A shadow fell over her face. Geoffrey was out yet again with his friend Chas. He had stayed out all last night, no doubt sleeping at the apartment he rented so that Chas and he could be together as often as possible.

He did make a show of being a happy family-man when his father was around. Old Mr Frogmore had a touching faith in his son’s ability to be a good husband and it was in Geoffrey’s interest to foster this belief. Geoffrey, if he was to benefit from the inheritance willed to him by his father was obliged to convince the old man that he was a lusty, loving husband.

Sarah sighed, if only it was true. She failed to understand why Geoffrey preferred Chas’s bed to hers. She could not fathom the reason for one man loving another but she had come to accept it – there was nothing else for her to do. And yet she was hungry, hungry for love and affection, hungry for a man’s arms around her.

Her sewing fell unnoticed to the floor as she thought over her past life and loves. There had been a few men in her life including William Davies. She smiled wryly. Last she’d heard he was living with Eline Temple in some mean house in World’s End. What sort of life was that? She thanked her lucky stars she’d not married him. And yet his love for her had once been real enough.

As youngsters, they had explored each other with eagerness, had made love under the hot sun, had tasted together the joys of the flesh. She sighed. What she would give now for one night of passion with him.

The maid entered the room bobbing a curtsy. ‘If it please you, Mrs Frogmore, Mrs Miller is here to see you.’

‘Wait just a minute or two and then show her in,’ Sarah said inclining her head, barely able to conceal a self-satisfied smile. Emily, the once proud and haughty Emily Grenfell, had to wait on her pleasure.

Emily came into the room a few minutes later and if her smile was a little forced, she made an effort not to let it show. Sarah was not slow to notice that Pammy wasn’t with her.

Sarah didn’t mind that Emily was alone, as she didn’t particularly want to see Pammy. She had never regretted that Emily had adopted the girl, for Pammy was the fruit of an illicit match between Sarah and Sam Payton – a black sheep if ever there was one – and it was an episode in Sarah’s life that she’d rather forget. There had never been any love for the child in her heart; Sarah knew that she should be ashamed to admit such a thing but it was the truth. Now that she had her son, she felt even more distant from her daughter. Her love for Jack was overwhelming. In any case, Pammy was part of her past that was best kept well hidden.

‘Emily, how nice to see you. How’s my father? Keeping well, I hope?’

‘John is fine,’ Emily said. ‘He sends his love.’ She sat down and plucked off her gloves. ‘The best thing I ever did was marry your father,’ she said softly.

‘The second best was adopting my daughter,’ Sarah said, unable to resist rubbing in the fact that Emily had no child of her own.

‘I have never ceased to be grateful for that,’ Emily said gravely. Sarah, waited, wondering to what she owed the honour of the visit – it was rare that Emily made a social call.

As though reading her thoughts, Emily spoke. ‘I just felt it was time I called on you. I wanted to be sure that everything was all right.’ Her eyes went to the small boy who was looking over his book curiously. ‘Jack is a fine son. You are so very lucky, Sarah. I do hope you realize it.’

Jack smiled and spoke with a charming lisp, ‘Where is my grandpapa?’

‘He’ll be around to see you later, I expect,’ Emily said. ‘Come here, I’ve got some sweeties for you.’

Sarah suppressed a smile. They all fell in love with Jack. He was a handsome, intelligent boy and as she watched him, love for him filled her so that tears came into her eyes. If only, she thought ruefully, she and Geoffrey had a vigorous relationship in the bedroom, she would be completely happy.

‘I know how lucky I am,’ she said softly, ‘but then luck comes in different guises.’ She saw Emily look at her in surprise ‘Oh, I have some finer feelings, whatever you think of me,’ she said bluntly. ‘I envy the relationship you have with my father. I can see that there’s real love between you and that’s something very rare.’

Emily smiled and her face was transformed. ‘You’re right,’ she said, ‘John and I are as much in love now as when we first met. I have a thrill of pride and pleasure whenever I see him entering a room.’ She paused. ‘I take it that nothing has changed between you and Geoffrey then? Love hasn’t grown?’

Sarah bit her lip. ‘Emily, my husband is not a man who loves women, not passionately anyway. Oh, yes, he loves me after a fashion, and he loves Jack to distraction but you must understand he is different.’

‘Different? How?’ Emily was uncomprehending and Sarah wondered at her naïvety. Emily was older than she, had been brought up to riches and luxury, but for all that she was quite unsophisticated in some ways. Sarah decided to shock her.

‘My husband is in love, physical love with another man,’ she said flatly, and she saw, with a certain sense of satisfaction, the colour drain from Emily’s face.

‘You must have heard about such things,’ Sarah said impatiently. ‘It is nothing new.’

Emily seemed to recover her composure. ‘Of course it’s not new,’ she said. ‘It’s as old as time just as prostitution is, but no-one expects it to affect them personally.’

Sarah saw Emily’s glance rest on Jack who was once more absorbed in his books.

‘Geoffrey was capable of doing it with me,’ – she knew Emily would be embarrassed by her crudeness but some devil within her drove her to hurt her stepmother whenever she had the opportunity – ‘just enough times for me to conceive his child, and even then it was with his eyes tightly closed and him thinking of his lover.’

Emily looked away and stared through the window. When she spoke, her voice was low. ‘How can you bear it?’ she asked. ‘For a husband to be unfaithful with another woman is bad enough but how can you fight another man?’

‘I can’t,’ Sarah said quietly. ‘I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried but Chas comes before everything.’ She paused. ‘Everything except our Jack and, of course, the inheritance.’

‘Sarah, it’s no wonder you are sometimes bitter,’ Emily said and her sympathy was evident. ‘To live with a man knowing that he is … different must be very difficult.’

‘He is kind,’ Sarah said. ‘He is more considerate than most husbands in many ways. Perhaps that’s how he can live with the guilt of his secret passion.’

‘And Jack …’ Emily’s voice trailed away. Her eyes were sad as they rested on the small boy.

‘Jack will never know the truth about his father,’ Sarah spoke emphatically. ‘He will grow up believing that we are a normal healthy family with no skeletons in the cupboard.’

Sarah could see by Emily’s face that she doubted such a thing could be possible.

‘But brothers and sisters,’ Emily said. ‘Will Jack not miss having a family?’

Sarah, who had thought along these lines herself more than once, felt her resolution harden. ‘He will have a brother or sister,’ she said firmly. ‘What Geoffrey has done once, he can do again.’

It was only when Emily had left that Sarah’s thoughts crystallized into action. Speaking of her wish for another child out loud, discussing it with Emily had suddenly made it seem a reality. She felt a fresh determination fill her. She would prepare her strategy very carefully, coax her husband into her bed with reasons rather than feminine wiles, reasons why it was desirable to have another child.

She would play on Geoffrey’s one weakness – his love for his son. She would tell him that Jack needed a family, someone to whom he could turn when his parents could no longer be around.

She found herself looking forward to Geoffrey’s homecoming as though waiting for a lover. He would be late, he usually ate dinner with Chas, but just for this once that suited her purpose.

She bathed and perfumed her body and when that was done, she dressed carefully in a satin nightgown and then brushed her hair out until it gleamed. She hesitated on the landing and then went into Geoffrey’s room and climbed beneath the sheets.

He was later than usual and Sarah was almost asleep when she heard his door open. She tensed, her heart was beating swiftly as she waited for him to approach the bed.

‘Sarah,’ his voice was muffled, ‘what do you think you are doing?’

She sat up and looked at him as he stood beside her, his face almost comical in its dismay.

‘I want us to have another child, Geoffrey,’ she said without preamble. ‘Jack needs a brother or a sister. It’s not right that he should be an only child. He’ll be lonely, you must see that.’

‘Sarah,’ Geoffrey turned away from her, ‘I can’t, I just can’t, you know how I feel.’ He sank down beside her. ‘I love Chas. He’s everything to me. It would be a betrayal.’

‘You are
my
husband,’ Sarah’s voice trembled. ‘I’m not asking for your love, Geoffrey, only your child.’ She held out her hand imploringly, ‘You gave me Jack, can’t you give me another baby, Geoffrey, please?’ She heard the note of desperation in her voice and knew that she wanted more than another child. She wanted, needed to be held in a man’s arms, to be made to feel alive again. She was young, too young, to live the life of a nun.

‘I’m sorry,’ Geoffrey’s voice was flat, ‘the answer is no. I can’t, Sarah. You knew what I was from the beginning. You settled for the money and for our son.’

Sarah climbed out of the bed and wound her arms around Geoffrey’s thin shoulders. ‘I’m not so bad, am I?’ she whispered, her mouth against his neck. ‘I’m attractive still, aren’t I?’

Gently, he pushed her away. ‘Of course you are attractive.’ He sounded desperate. ‘You are a beautiful woman but I just can’t pretend to be what I’m not.’

Sarah began to cry then, tears rained down her cheeks, hot, angry, bitter tears that racked her small frame. After a moment, Geoffrey took her in his arms.

‘Look, Sarah, I love you, in a way, but not in the way I love Chas. Try to understand me, won’t you?’ He paused but Sarah was too hurt to speak.

‘I respect you as my wife. You are a wonderful mother to Jack – I couldn’t ask for better but …’

He rose and moved away from her. ‘Don’t cry like that, Sarah. I can’t stand it.’

She couldn’t stop. Now that she’d started, all the pain and frustration of her life of celibacy came pouring out of her.

‘I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried to be content,’ she said, ‘but I have needs Geoffrey, just as you have needs. I am a woman, my blood is hot. I want loving, Geoffrey and if you don’t give it to me I must find a lover or go mad.’

‘No!’ Geoffrey’s voice was suddenly harsh. ‘You must not take a lover. What would my father think? What about our son if he found out that his mother was a whore?’

‘I
am
a whore,’ Sarah was suddenly angry. ‘You knew
that
when
you
married
me
. Oh yes, we knew all about each other’s little ways, didn’t we Geoffrey? Except that I didn’t know until I was tied to you by law. You cheated me Geoffrey, you cheated me.’

He was white with anger but he was calm. ‘Very well, if it means that much to you then I will give you another child,’ he said. ‘Fetch me the brandy. Perhaps if I am drunk enough I will be able to betray my true instincts.’

Sarah’s surge of hope faded as quickly as it had come. She knew she didn’t want Geoffrey that way. If he couldn’t bear to make love to her unless he had drink inside him then she didn’t want him.

‘What then, Geoffrey, when you are drunk? Will you put out the light so that you can pretend I am Chas, your precious man-friend?’

‘Sarah,’ Geoffrey’s voice was low, ‘do you have to make it all sound so cheap and sordid?’

‘What you do with Chas
is
cheap and sordid.’ Sarah moved away from the bed, her humiliation and pain were almost insupportable. ‘I will never come to your bed again, Geoffrey. I will never again beg you to love me.’

‘Sarah,’ he lifted his hand in supplication, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t help the way I am.’

‘Go to hell,’ Sarah said flatly and left his room.

It took Sarah only two weeks to find the man who she deemed suitable to father her child, two weeks of sifting the evidence of all the available men in her circle. She was not looking for love, nor even for a long-term affair. She wanted only to assuage the hurt and pain that Geoffrey’s attitude had built up within her. She needed to banish the look of revulsion on his face, to see again desire and need in the eyes of a virile man. And like a raging thirst, she wanted a child so that she could prove to Geoffrey that even if he didn’t want her, there were those who did.

She smiled to herself as she leaned back in her chair and thought of the man she would soon take to her bed. ‘Look out, Calvin Temple,’ she whispered, ‘you are in for the treat of a lifetime.’

Arian stood just within the closed doors of Calvin’s library and saw with a heartmelting feeling of concern that he appeared tired and dispirited. He had sent for her, an unusual enough occurrence these days, though the way Bella had framed it, the request for her presence in the library had been more in the way of command.

‘The shipload of calf has not arrived then?’ he asked, not looking at her but playing with a pen, rolling it between his fingers, unaware of the droplets of ink staining his hands.

‘Not yet.’ She paused uncertainly. ‘There’s every likelihood that the company have just made an error, perhaps the calf was delayed at the French docks.’ Arian felt an overwhelming urge to reassure him. ‘Simples is trying his best to sort things out.’

‘Ah, Simples,’ Calvin glanced at her briefly. ‘You trust him, then? I imagined you were not too fond of Mr Simples.’

‘It could be that I have misjudged him,’ Arian said carefully. ‘He certainly seems to be doing his best for me just now.’

‘First impressions can usually be relied upon,’ Calvin’s words were enigmatic and Arian waited for him to continue. ‘On the other hand, it’s only fair to give everyone a chance to prove themselves, one way or the other.’

Arian was a little puzzled by Calvin’s attitude. What was he trying to say? She would have spoken, asked him what he meant but a knock on the door silenced her.