Authors: Renee Lewin
She stands up straight, unaware she’d given me quite a view. “Okay,” she exhales nervously. I, too, exhale. “Let’s go see my brother.”
Today is Thursday, May 17. It’s the day of our first and last chance to visit Manny while he’s locked up.
“Bye, guys.
Don’t look
so worried, Laney,” Mr.
Merjoy
says.
“Bye, Babies. Be careful,” my mother adds as she stands at Frank’s side.
Frank had insisted that I should be one of the two people to visit Manny. He looked hurt when I asked if I could take his spot. He almost made me feel guilty. He said, “Of course you should go. I didn’t imagine it any other way.” He was sucking up to me, I guess. I’m sure my mom has made it clear to him I haven’t given their relationship my blessing. I don’t trust Frank
Merjoy
and I doubt I ever will.
“Why are you so nervous? I promise nothing’s going to happen to you,” I assure Elaine as we get into her truck.
“I’m not worried about my safety. It’s seeing him in that place. It’ll be hard for me to really see where Manny’s been sleeping every night. I’ll have all these images in my head to feed my worries. I
need
to see my brother, but I don’t want to see him this way. Does that make sense, or am I being silly?”
“I understand completely,” I say with a frown.
Elaine is even more uneasy once we arrive at the Pima County Jail. She admits to me that the outside of the building reminds her of the Palo Verde Mental Hospital. I don’t know what to say to comfort her. I’m freaked out as well. Inside, the officer leads us through several sturdy doors with electromagnetic locks and into a holding room where we are seated with other people waiting to visit their loved ones.
“I think you should go first,” Elaine says as she clamps her knees together with her hands to stop them from shaking.
“Are you sure?”
“Go first and then, um, tell me if he looks okay. I don’t want any surprises, you know? I can’t really handle any surprises.”
Is it wrong that I
want
to talk to Manny first? He’s my best friend and I haven’t talked to him at all the last few weeks. Elaine has kept communication with him off and on, but that’s her brother. She should have the privilege of seeing him first. She’s requesting that I go first instead and I don’t know whether agreeing to it would be a self-seeking move. She says it’s what she wants, though.
“If that’s what you want,” I say, finally. “I won’t take long. I want you to have as much time as possible with Manny.”
She nods in response and then starts nervously picking at her fingers. It pains me to leave her behind while she’s so distressed.
When I walk into the visiting room there are twelve rectangular tables set up. I had expected to talk to Manny on the other side of bullet proof glass rather than in such an open area. At each table, an inmate and a visitor are seated, except for the table in the middle. That table has an empty chair on one side and a rugged, smiling Manny sitting on the other. His face, which he usually keeps clean shaven, is peppered with a beard and a trip to a barber would do his baby afro some good. I walk over to his table and sit, wishing I could hug him, but there’s a ‘No Contact’ policy.
“You look different,” I comment. Manny raises a Black Power fist and we both laugh. I have yet to hear him speak. At first we just grin at each other. Then his smile breaks and he covers his eyes with his hand. He rubs at his eyes with his fingers to stop himself from crying. I manage to keep my eyes relatively dry.
“You have no idea how good it is to see you
walk
in here, man. I can’t even tell that… Remember how I used to joke and call you Superman?”
“Yeah.
Of course I do. Manny, I’m sorry you”
“Don’t even finish that statement. I can’t believe you’re trying to apologize to me. You’re insulting me, man. You make me sick,” he smirks.
“But I’ve been rehearsing,” I say.
“Let’s leave it in the past and thank God everyone’s okay and has learned from their mistakes. Let’s talk about the future.”
“Elaine?”
“Yes. Elaine. Give me an update.”
“Okay, so, Elaine knows you let me read her journal.”
Manny’s eyes widen. “Damn, Joey! Don’t you know how to shut up?”
“As fate would have it, she read my journal, too. All of it.”
“Yup.
It sucks how that happened,” he shrugs.
This time my eyes widen. “You knew?!”
“Kind of, but what exactly was I supposed to do with that info?”
“I don’t really know.”
“So, I heard about my uncle and your mom.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“No comment.”
“I see. Uncle Frank is a good dude, though.”
“Let’s get back to what we were talking about.”
“But grown folks need love, too.”
“Dude…” I know he’s joking, but my stomach reacts negatively every time I have to think about my mother and Frank dating. “We don’t have a lot of time to talk so let’s get to the important stuff.”
“Elaine?”
“Elaine. She put me in the ‘friend zone’. It’s my fault. I stupidly agreed to it. I know that, technically, being her friend fulfills the plan that you and I
have,
but”
“You want more.”
I nod. There are three possible outcomes for what Manny and I have planned.
Outcome A: Manny convinces Elaine to move to Cali with him and find a place for their dad to stay. Whether I am in the picture would not matter.
Outcome B: Elaine refuses to leave Cadence but approves Manny’s choice to leave for college. Manny shoots off to become more of a genius and I take his place at the
PiCo
factory as well as his place as Elaine’s protector.
Outcome C: That’s the one where Manny leaves without Elaine’s support, Elaine wants nothing to do with me, and both he and I are left without her.
“I used to be jealous of you because at least you were friends with Denise,” I confess to Manny. “Now I know what you went through and how you felt. It’s tough. You know the situation and you know Elaine. Tell me what I should stop doing and what I should start doing.”
“Well, it’s important to remember that she likes you. She just doesn’t know it yet.”
I bow my head and smile. “I hope so,” I nod.
Manny chuckles at my bashful reaction. “Elaine can seem so sure and be so stubborn about a decision when in fact she doesn’t really know what she wants. A lot of the time she’ll figure out her reasoning as she argues with you. She doesn’t even realize that she does that. Anyways, the reason she reacts so stubbornly is because she’s scared. So stop feeling like she has the upper hand or that you’re the only one feeling vulnerable.”
“Okay.
Got it.”
“But don’t start feeling all sorry for her because she’s scared deep down inside. You know that aggression you have out on the soccer field? Use that. Argue with her until she realizes you’re not going to be quiet until you get some answers instead of excuses. Stand your ground. Be aggressive,” he stresses.
“Be,
be
aggressive,” we say in unison and laugh.
“I can’t do that. Not with her,” I shrug. “I can fly off the handle about her reading my journal or keeping secrets, but I can’t argue with her about why she should care about me.”
Manny exhales loudly. “Well, you go ahead and try it your way. And when that doesn’t work, do it my way. But remember you only have eight weeks to make it work.”
“I know,” I say as I stare down at the table, feeling stressed out.
“Hey,” Manny says to get my attention. “You’re the one. You are the guy who’s supposed to be with my sister. I don’t wish anyone else for her. Even though I’ve given you all this advice, don’t think all the work falls on your shoulders. Most of the work needs to be done by Elaine. Trust me. I’ll give her a talking-to.”
“Thanks.”
“I love you, bro,” Manny smiles. “See you on the outside.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and smile. “You know it, bro.”
“Is he okay?” Elaine asks once I’m escorted back into the waiting room.
“He’s
beardier
than he used to be, but he’s still Manny,” I chuckle.
She surprises me with a hug before hurrying in to see her brother. When she comes back into the visitor waiting room 45 minutes later, she has tears in her eyes, but a dreamy smile on her lips.
“How did it go?” I ask, standing up from my chair.
“The first thing he asked was, ‘Where are your glasses?’” she laughs. “Then we talked about Daddy and Uncle Frank. Then he asked all these stupid questions about you,” she playfully pokes her finger into my shoulder as we exit the correctional facility.
“Oh really?
Like what?”
“Questions that are too stupid to repeat,” she dismisses.
Had Manny really asked silly questions? Or were they questions that seemed silly to her? Such as, ‘Does Joey have a chance in hell?’
“Then I told him he was lucky guards were watching us because I wanted to wring his neck for giving you my journal and telling you my entire life story. Finally, I begged him to call me more often.” She quiets for a while and then giggles at her own thoughts.
“What?”
“I got a little emotional when time ran out and then Manny said the weirdest thing. I stood up from that table, crying up a storm and thinking I’d be so miserable missing him every day. He winks at me in the middle of me bawling and says, ‘Have fun,’ with this conspiratorial smirk on his face.”
“I guess this means you’re going to Cesar’s party with me,” I say. Then, I forget to breathe as she chews on her bottom lip, trying to conceal a mischievous smile.
******
This weekend, something mystical gave me a new awareness of myself. The midnight magic gave everything a satin feel. The sorcerer was the
cumbia
and salsa music that boomed from the speakers at Cesar’s house party, in his house naked of furniture. Neither awkwardness nor grudges made it past the front door.
Marisol brought crispy, beef
flautas
for everyone to eat. God bless her. They were the best I’d ever eaten. Others brought lawn chairs and Coronas. Denise was there and took some pictures of me and Joey, and some of Joey with his buddies.