Around the World in a Bad Mood! (17 page)

There you are, trapped on the tarmac because a cloud is passing over ABC. Not much to do but to think about the road not traveled. Perhaps you should have just hung around the airport and waited the ten hours for the nonstop to XYZ, which is where you really need to be. There probably isn't a cloud in the sky there, but you, genius that you are, chose to route yourself through ABC. Think how different your life would be if you had chosen the other alternative. You'd be in an airport with shops, restaurants, bathrooms, telephones, and Starbucks. But you picked this path. And now you're crammed into a center seat. On your right sits a three-hundred-pound bruiser who's taking a little catnap, shoes off and snoring up a storm, blocking easy access to the aisle, not a care in the world. To the right, by the window, sits a strange man from a strange land in strange garb emitting a strange odor from his body. He speaks in a foreign tongue, which is unrecognizable, yet you're becoming more and more familiar with it because he mutters constantly, with an occasional outburst of sound that appears to have no defined meaning whatsoever. Isn't this a cozy little arrangement? Well, you might as well get used to it because nothing seems to be moving. Sitting in the center seat is a bit like being in prison. You have no rights and you have no privileges; you are a nonentity.

Let's begin with the armrest. There are three seats, three people, but only four armrests. Guess what, center seat? You don't get an armrest! The man on the right assumes that both of the armrests are his, and discussion about the matter would be next to impossible because of the language barrier. The bruiser on the left is out for the count, and not only is he hogging both armrests with his burly arms, but his stomach is also drooping over what little area of the armrest remains, further invading your space. You've got the picture, I'm sure, because you're the unlucky victim of the “center seat dehumanization process.” You will have to remain seated with your arms at your sides, facing straight ahead. What's a person in your position to do in the rare and unlikely event that you have the pressing need to leave your seat? Forget about it. You are not going anywhere, you are shackled to the center seat. What do you need to get up and walk around for anyway, you little nonentity? When you were in first class on that last flight, you had some leverage, but since you have been relegated to coach class and to a center seat, your rights have gone out the window. It wouldn't be so bad if the passenger behind you wasn't a child who has discovered the joy of kicking the seat in front of him (yours), and he's screaming with delight each time he rams into you. You feel weary. Perhaps a nap would be appropriate, but alas, there is really nowhere to rest your weary head. You stare straight ahead, arms at your sides, head bobbing up and down, miserable. Finally it occurs to you: Maybe if you lower your tray table (you do have your very own tray table, that is one privilege you still retain) you could just lean forward and place your head there and close your eyes for a few moments and escape, if only mentally, the torture chamber, also know as the center seat. Yes, it works, and it's the first peaceful moment you have had in God knows how long. Just as you are about to fall into a deep sleep, the jerk in front of you decides to recline his seat back
all
the way, thus smashing your head so hard that it lands in your lap. Meanwhile the kicking from behind resumes, the muttering interspersed with occasional screams on the right continues, and the snoring on the left does not cease.

There you are curled up in a little ball, sucking your thumb, on the verge of uncontrollable sobbing, when the captain makes an announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. It appears we will be here for at least another hour. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable. Thank you.”

W
HENEVER I TELL
other airline employees I'm writing a book about our world, they all have wonderful little stories or jokes they think I should include. Of course, I can't mention them all, but here are a few goodies that I think you will enjoy!

There was a period of time when one airline was having problems with customs because flight attendants were bringing fruit from foreign countries into the United States and the airline was being fined each time it happened. So during flight attendant briefings the supervisors were reminding everyone not to bring fruit into the United States. One day a new supervisor at the base had to give the briefing. She was a bit of a scatterbrain and did not have a complete command of the English language. Her briefing went something like this: “OK everybody, listen to me. This airline been getting a lot of fine because flight attendant bringing in fruit from other country. Every time flight attendant bring in fruit this airline get fine. Bring in orange, one hundred dollars; bring in apple, one hundred dollars; bring in pear, one hundred dollars.” At that point some wiseacre, unable to resist an opportunity to get in a little joke, raised his hand and asked, “What about grapes?” She answered, “That a good question. I check it out for you.” She left the room, made a phone call, and then a few moments later came back and responded, “I check it out about the grapes and it is one hundred dollars per bunch, not one hundred dollars per grape. Thank you very much.”

On a flight from A to B a flight attendant was serving meals. She had her airline identification badge attached to her belt on her skirt. At row 20, where the man in the aisle seat was asleep, she reached across to pass the meal tray to the passenger in the window seat and her belt and ID badge accidentally got caught in the sleeping man's hair, which, as fate would have it, was a toupee. He continued with his slumber and she with her meal service. The toupee, unbeknownst to her, was now attached to her belt. She realized it when a fellow flight attendant pointed out that she had a huge piece of hair hanging from her belt. Having no idea to whom it belonged, they had to walk through the cabin trying to find its rightful owner, but because he was asleep and unaware of his loss they were unable to identify him. When Sleeping Beauty finally awoke he came to the galley, rather wigged out, inquiring as to the whereabouts of his hair.

The weather was a bit rough and there was a lot of turbulence. Just before landing, a passenger rang the flight attendant call button:

F/A:
Yes, may I help you?

P
ASSENGER:
It's so turbulent. Do you think the captain will be able to land the plane?

F/A:
I think so. We've never left a plane up here yet.

On a two-day layover in Chicago at the XYZ hotel, of which there are many and they all look alike, the entire crew went out for dinner. The senior flight attendant had been after the captain for years, and decided that tonight was the night she was going to make her big move. After all, they had the entire next day off in Chicago, so why not have a little fun? At dinner they had a few drinks, and she was flirting up a storm. Then everyone went out dancing and she was out on the dance floor with him the entire time. When the night was over everyone began to walk back to the XYZ hotel together, and by now the pilot and flight attendant were getting really cozy, holding hands, giggling, kissing . . . you know the drill. In any case, the lovebirds fell behind the others. The next morning the first officer was in the coffee shop having breakfast when the captain came in and joined him at the table.

“Hey, what happened with you two last night, everyone is curious. We looked back and you guys were nowhere to be found.”

“Well, we got back to the hotel and went up to my room and the key didn't work, so then we went down to her room and her key didn't work either,” the captain said.

“You're kidding. What did you do then?”

“We went to the front desk to complain and they informed us that we were at the wrong hotel!”

A female flight attendant was having difficulty with a disgruntled first-class passenger. She accidentally spilled a bit of bottled water on him while serving drinks on the ground during boarding. The passenger got really upset and said, “Jesus Christ, if you weren't so stupid you could do something else besides be a flight attendant.”

A bit ruffled, she apologized and went into the galley to continue making drinks. A few moments later the agent came on board and made the final confirmation announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to confirm that this is flight 123 to Washington, D.C., and thank you . . .”

Suddenly the disgruntled first-class passenger jumped up and said, “Washington, D.C.! I thought we were going to Miami. I'm on the wrong plane!” He then had to retrieve all his belongings and rush off the plane, thus delaying the departure. On his way out the flight attendant he had reprimanded earlier said, “If you weren't so stupid, you'd be able to get on the right airplane!”

On long international flights we turn off the lights after dinner so that it's dark in the cabin and people can sleep. About an hour and a half before landing we turn the lights back on and serve a beverage and a light snack. This also gives people an opportunity to wake up and prepare themselves for arrival. One day a passenger was so upset that the flight attendant had turned the lights on he could not contain his rage and screamed, “You turned on the lights when I was still sleeping. I can't believe you turned on the fucking lights!” The flight attendant, who was perky and alert (having been up all night), responded, “Oh no, sir, these are the ‘breakfast' lights. You slept through the ‘fucking' lights.”

A very snooty lady handed her baby to a flight attendant. “Change my baby,” she demanded.

“Excuse me?” the flight attendant responded.

“You heard me, change him.”

“Change him?”

“Change him!” the passenger repeated.

With that the flight attendant went to the back of the plane and found another mother with a child about the same age and size, except this baby was a little girl instead of a little boy. She asked the mother if she would keep an eye on the little boy and if she could “borrow” her little girl for a few moments. The mother agreed and with that the flight attendant returned to the original mother and handed her the baby girl.

“What have you done with my baby?” screamed the outraged mother.

“You told me to change him, so I changed him,” the flight attendant answered.

An aged little Indian man had been pushing the flight attendant call button above his head. You know the one I'm talking about—it has a little picture of a stick figure flight attendant wearing a skirt, and it's right next to the reading light. Anyway, this little old man had been pressing the flight attendant call button for quite some time, but no one responded. When someone finally did, he said, “What's going on? I've been fingering the flight attendant here for twenty minutes and she still hasn't come.”

A passenger was having a little trouble opening the bathroom door, and the ever-helpful flight attendant responded, “Turn the handle—it's just like the one on your trailer.”

The meal service had just commenced and there was some confusion as to where certain passengers who had ordered special meals were seated. The flight attendant made the following announcement: “Could passengers Smith, Jones, and Johnson please push your flight attendant call button.” The flight attendant went out to straighten out the meal/seating problem. Upon arriving at row 22 the passenger said to her, “I'm the vegetable and my wife is the fruit.” She took a good long look at him and responded, “Really? From the looks of it I'd say it was the other way around.”

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! In a few moments we'll begin the breakfast service in the main cabin. We have a wide selection of choices for you today. You may have any or all of the following items: Prozac, Zoloft, Viagra, Ecstasy, Ritalin, Celebrex, or scrambled eggs. Some of these items may cause side effects, such as dry mouth, fatigue, internal bleeding, temporary blindness, and leprosy. Again, your choices include Prozac, Zoloft, Viagra, Ecstasy, Ritalin . . . oh, one moment please. My apologies, ladies and gentlemen, that is the
flight attendants'
breakfast menu. You passengers get the scrambled eggs!”

A passenger comes aboard with an upright bass. He has purchased a seat for the instrument because there is no place to stow something of that size and he didn't want to check it. He's having trouble getting it in the seat:

 

P
ASSENGER:
Excuse me, flight attendant, can you come over here? I'm having trouble with my upright bass. What should I do?

F/A:
I don't know, take up the flute?

Y
OU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT,
read about it, maybe witnessed it, or perhaps even been a victim of it. Apparently it's getting worse and much more common. But what is air rage? Basically it's like road rage only a lot worse because it occurs at thirty-nine thousand feet and there are no outside resources to intervene. In other words, you can't call 911. People are fed up with delays, cancellations, overcrowded airports, and overcrowded flights. They want the experience to be like it is on the commercials and it's rarely that way. These days more and more people are traveling because the tickets are affordable and the world is getting smaller. But the airports are having trouble handling the demand: The air traffic control systems are antiquated and more runways are needed, not to mention more parking spots, more gates, more first-class seats, more pillows, more sodas, more wheelchairs, more people to push the wheelchairs, more magazines, more bathrooms in the airports, more seats in the gate areas, more pay phones, more personnel, more legroom, more room in the overhead bins, more peanuts, more understanding, more attention, more instant gratification, more, more, more, more. But what they're getting is less, less, less, and I personally think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

People on airplanes mirror society at large. On an airplane or in an airport, on a bad day anyway, people are like rats in a cage. They're at the end of their ropes—frustrated, angry, exhausted, hungry, and pushed to their limits. How else can you explain some of the following things that have been occurring around the world recently?

1. Disruptive in-flight incidents have doubled in a twelve-month period.

2. Major airlines have decreased staffing by 5 percent; meanwhile, passenger loads have increased by 18 percent.

3. Incidents involving misconduct and abuse toward airline personnel have skyrocketed. Employee morale is low.

4. Recently, an enraged passenger heaved a suitcase at a customer service agent who was eight months pregnant.

5. A flight attendant was knocked to the ground and kicked after informing a hungry passenger that there were no extra sandwiches.

6. A man punched a pilot in the boarding area when he was informed that his flight was canceled.

7. A Saudi Arabian princess was sentenced and fined for choking a flight attendant.

8. After being denied a first-class upgrade, a passenger threw a full pot of coffee at a flight attendant, causing second-degree burns.

9. A passenger, angry about the lengthy delay, hurled a flight attendant into the lavatory door and attacked her until restrained. The battered flight attendant crawled to the cockpit for help.

10. An intoxicated first-class passenger defecated on a meal cart during the flight.

11. An intoxicated passenger ignored the flight attendant's warning not to smoke in the lavatory. Cursing and demanding more liquor, the passenger reportedly smashed a bottle of vodka over her head. The flight attendant was severely injured and required stitches.

These are condensed versions of actual incidents. What's going on out there that could provoke such behavior? There are probably a lot of factors.

As I mentioned earlier, crowded conditions! You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that crowded conditions bring out aggressive behavior. There's very little personal space in coach class on an airplane. I've heard the legroom is increasing, but even so it's still pretty miserable to be stuck in a center seat on a full flight for three hours. And the degree of an individual's misery is directly proportionate to the size of that individual—not to mention his personality, his expectations, what happened to him earlier that day, and most importantly, his relationship with his mother. You can't blame the airlines for wanting to sell every available seat. After all, they need to make money. But if they're going to pack passengers in like sardines it would be nice if the air-conditioning was working, especially in the summer.

Another contributing factor is alcohol! The longer some passengers wait, the more they drink. And with the delays these days that can mean a lot of drinking. They can be inebriated before we even have the chance to say, “Welcome aboard and we're sorry for everything we've done to you today.” Airline personnel can deny boarding to intoxicated passengers, but often the boarding agent does not realize the extent of the problem. Once the plane is in the air, they might have another drink or two, which can put them over the top. Flying and drinking heavily do not mix (I know, I've tried it. Never on duty, of course). The effect of alcohol increases as the cabin pressure decreases. This can lead to some dangerous situations, particularly if you're over the ocean and someone who's drunk out of his mind decides he wants to get into something with the guy next to him, the flight attendant who just cut him off, or, worse yet, the captain.

We now come to a very interesting and common factor: sense of entitlement! This is when certain narcissistic features emerge: I'm a big shot and I deserve to be treated like one. These people feel that they're above everyone else, and their needs are more important than everyone else's as well. They're used to being doted on and having people shield them from difficult situations. Then they get on an airplane, where everyone suffers together and suddenly they're not so special. I mean, if the plane is delayed for three hours it's a delay for everyone, not just the folks in rows 15–45. These entitled people often can't handle the pressure of air travel as well as the common man. Personally, I think it's good for them to bear the pain with the rest of us. It builds character. Often they also have a problem with authority, as they're used to being in control and running the show. They can't fathom that someone, like a flight attendant who is beneath them in social status, would have the audacity to request that they shut off their laptops or cell phones or, God forbid, fasten their seat belts. These people, believe it or not, are often the ones who lose control on a plane, and argue with crew members about small issues that quickly escalate into larger, more serious problems.

One time, a very handsome middle-aged businessman got really mad at me because there was no room for his three carry-on bags in the first-class overhead bins. Never mind that he boarded the plane about three minutes before departure. We were standing in the very front of the plane near the boarding door. I told him there might be space in the main cabin and asked another flight attendant to help him locate an empty bin because I was securing the galley so we could close the door as soon as his bags were properly stowed.

“I'm not putting my bags in coach. I'm a first-class passenger,” he informed me.

“Well sir, we cannot leave until your bags are properly stowed. The other option would be to check them. I just offered the coach-class bin because most people don't like to check their luggage if they can have it on board instead. What difference does it make if it's in coach or first, as long as it's on the plane?”

“Because if I put them in coach I'll never be able to get back there to get them when the flight is over. I'll end up waiting until everyone else has deplaned before I get my bags. I do not have time to wait,” he said curtly. I guess it didn't occur to him that he would have to wait at baggage claim with all the other commoners if he chose to check the bags. I didn't bother to point it out.

“Sir, I really don't have time to discuss this. Do you want to find a place in the main cabin for your bags or do you want me to check them?”

His face got all red and he picked up his assortment of bags (which were way too big and too numerous in the first place), clutched them to his chest, and screamed, “CHECK THEM!”

With that he threw his luggage at me and stormed down the aisle to his seat. Luckily, I've had years of tap and I'm pretty fast on my feet. I moved out of the way before the bags hit me, but I think he smashed his computer because something made a bad sound when it hit the floor. Instead of making me angry, or hurting me, I thought it was funny because the guy really looked like an idiot. When people look like idiots it makes me laugh and that's just what I did—I started laughing! I didn't want him to see me laughing because I thought that might make him more angry, causing him to throw a pillow or a magazine at me, so I just went out to the jet way and checked his dumb-ass bags to LaGuardia. I thought about checking them somewhere else, like Fresno or Hong Kong, but my good judgment was still intact, so I decided to do the right thing. Besides, the guy was miserable enough. He slept the whole way to New York, so I didn't have any further interaction with him. When he was leaving I gave him my biggest, brightest flight attendant smile and said, “Thanks, have a great day!” In the interest of lessening potential air rage, I think this would be an excellent time to remind certain gentle readers, once again, that flight attendants are on board the aircraft to save your ass, not kiss it!

The mentally insane passenger can also be considered a disruptive passenger in the event that they get out of hand on the aircraft. Take, for example, this story: Bitsy was the senior flight attendant on a full 747 somewhere in Asia. The captain had informed everyone that there would be a bit of delay, perhaps as long as one hour, but the plane was going to push away from the gate and take its place in line. The plane slowly pulled back and seemed to go to a remote holding area and stopped, when suddenly a naked Chinese woman came running out of the lavatory. She was running up and down the aisles screaming in Chinese! Bitsy wasn't quite sure how to handle this because, although she'd had screaming passengers before and also naked passengers, she had never had a naked passenger who was also screaming. Aside from that, Bitsy doesn't speak a word of Chinese! Bitsy and a few others tried to catch the woman, but it's not really that easy to catch a naked person who's highly agitated and running around. They finally trapped her in the galley. It was there that she began swinging at anyone who came near her. Bitsy said that even though she was small, she could deliver quite a punch. Finally, she just collapsed and then urinated all over the galley floor. By this point someone had called the captain, who had returned the plane to the gate, where they were able to deliver the woman, now wrapped in a wool blanket, to agents meeting the aircraft. Fortunately for Bitsy, the plane was on the ground—not somewhere over the middle of the big pond where the problem could have escalated into something far worse.

I guess as long as the entitled, the intoxicated, the insane, and all the other people who can afford to purchase tickets are allowed to fly and the airlines continue to operate at over capacity levels amid a crumbling infrastructure, we'll have the potential for air rage. Now certain airlines are trying to teach flight crews how to handle aggressive behavior. Some are slapping the troublemakers with stiff fines and even jail time, and of course there's now something known as the Airline Passenger Bill of Rights. But I don't know what that means exactly and I don't think many passengers do either.