Meredith swirled her brush in the jar of water and stared out the window knowing that Dani sat just five feet behind her. All she had to do was turn around and start talking. Tears filled her eyes when she realized how much she missed her friend. She missed being able to talk to her during the school day and then after school on the phone. She missed hearing about lacrosse practice and student government stuff and everything. She missed how Dani brought Mikey books and cookies. And Mikey. Meredith grimaced. He kept asking where Dani was. Where was his dude?
Meredith stabbed at the tears in her eyes and turned slightly to sneak a peek at Dani. Meredith took in Dani’s tense shoulders and wan look.
You used to look so peaceful. Now you look…unsettled. Did I do that to you
? She cleaned up her easel. She simply could not work on Esther’s portrait now, not with such a heavy heart.
She turned again only to find Dani looking at her. They both turned away quickly. Meredith took a deep breath for strength and slowly turned back around. Her heart clenched when she noticed the tired expression on Dani’s face. Meredith got off her stool and sat in her usual chair. She looked down at her hands and said, “Dani, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I reacted that way. I don’t know what happened.” She scratched at some paint on the table. “I got scared, I guess.”
Dani regarded her as if thinking about how to respond. “Well, a wise person once told me she couldn’t understand why everyone got so scared of people who were different. If they’d just take the time to get to know you, they’d see you weren’t so different after all.”
Meredith looked away. The words stung. Dani was quoting her. Her heart clenched knowing she deserved Dani’s hardened demeanor. The pull to brush Dani’s lock of hair off her forehead was very strong.
What’s happening to me? I get so confused when I look at you. What is it about you that scares me to death?
Meredith had hoped they could walk to their history class together and talk some more, but for the second day in a row, Dani bolted out of her chair when the bell rang. Dani ignored her during their history class as well, so Meredith spent more time watching the physical education classes play soccer on the field than she did listening to Mr. Dalton.
At the end of the school day, Meredith lingered in her AP Art class long enough to miss seeing Dani at their lockers. She just couldn’t deal with seeing Dani yet. It hurt too much.
Because she lingered so long in the art room, she had to hurry to pick up Mikey at his classroom. She’d stop at her own locker later. Meredith forced a smile as she approached her brother’s classroom and kept the fake smile going while she talked to Miss Stevens.
After leaving his classroom, Meredith maneuvered them toward the hallway with her locker. Once they reached her locker, she said, “Mikey, I have to get my books, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Put your book bag down here until I’m done.” Meredith spun the dial of her lock a few times, pulled up on the latch, and opened the door. She started to put her history book back in but then couldn’t remember if Mr. Dalton had assigned homework. She couldn’t remember much from that class except that Dani hadn’t spoken to her, so she put the book back in her bag just in case. Maybe she could work up the nerve to call Dani later and ask her if they had homework. What she would say after that, she had no idea.
Lost in thought, she barely noticed the shadow moving slowly across her locker. She whirled around and saw the army jacket first. She took a startled step backward when she saw Ben Kinsey standing right in front of her. Mikey, probably sensing Meredith’s sudden unease, positioned himself between them. A granite stone formed in the pit of her stomach. Maybe Ben had finally come to get even with her for telling him off in Mr. Dalton’s class. She looked frantically around the hallway. There was no one else in sight.
Ben took a step closer, and Mikey pulled his fists into a taekwondo sparring stance. Ben took a step back. “Hey, call off your pit bull. I come in peace.”
“What do you want?” Meredith asked, her tone guarded.
“Look, I’m sorry I’ve treated you like crap this year. Dani says I’m kind of immature, and well, I guess she’s right. So, I’m sorry.”
Mikey stood rock still in his sparring stance, and Meredith stayed behind him. “Okay.” Her tone remained cautious.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you since we got back from spring break. I don’t know what you said to Dani, but she’s bummin’. I know she told you she was gay, but I hope you know that she’s cool. She’s, I don’t know, she’s just Dani.”
Meredith relaxed, but only a little. Ben was here in peace.
“You know she’s gay?” For some reason Meredith had a hard time believing that Dani had also told Ben.
“Yeah, she told me a long time ago. Like in eighth grade or something. I know you’re probably in shock about it, but I also know that you guys have been tight lately. I have to admit I was jealous for a while, but I’m cool with it now. Look, before spring break, Dani was so happy. I mean, when you guys started doing that project she just, I don’t know, became like a rock star or something. She likes you, I mean, really likes you, but if all it’s gonna be is friendship between you guys, then she’s okay with that. She told me—when she wasn’t balling her eyes out.”
“She was crying?” Meredith’s heart hurt instantly knowing that she had been the cause of her friend’s sadness.
Ben nodded his head slowly. “Yeah. She’s a mess.”
“I know, but...I just don’t know what to say to her.”
“She’s still Dani. You know?”
It was Meredith’s turn to nod slowly, “I know. I do know that. Does she...does she know you’re here talking to me?”
“Oh, my God, no. She’d kill me if she knew I said anything to you. No, this is just me trying to be cool for a change.”
“Does she hate me?”
“No,” he stated simply.
“I never meant to hurt her. I hope you know that.”
“I guess.”
“I gotta figure out how to fix this.”
“Yeah, well, I hate to see Dani fall apart.” He took a step closer as if to finalize his point, but backed up immediately when Mikey pulled a fist back.
“Mikey,” Meredith admonished. “I think it’s okay now. This is Ben.”
“Hi, Mikey.” Ben stuck his hand out. “It’s nice to meet ya.”
Mikey hesitated. He looked up at his sister who told him it was okay to shake Ben’s hand. Mikey came out of his sparring stance and grabbed Ben’s hand. He said, “Meet cha.”
To Meredith Ben said, “Look, I’m just gonna go, but think about what I said, okay?”
“Okay.” She watched him turn to leave and called after him, “Dani’s lucky to have a friend like you.” Unlike me.
“Aww, well, I’m working on it. I gotta go. Later.” He turned and walked briskly down the hallway.
Meredith sighed in relief. She had never expected Ben Kinsey to approach her like that. And she never realized that Dani would have told other people about being gay. That seemed like something to keep quiet about. Then Meredith had a small moment of clarity. She realized that she didn’t have a realistic sense of gay people, gay women in particular, because she hadn’t seen many in real life or on TV. Gay women probably kept quiet about their lifestyle or sexual preference or whatever it was called, just like Dani did. Coming out must have been a catch-22 situation for Dani. All gay people really. They had to keep quiet and be miserable all their lives or if they did get the courage to actually tell someone they ran the risk of losing friends. Or worse. Meredith had heard about people getting beaten up or killed just because they were gay.
Meredith’s heart hurt. She closed her locker and steered Mikey toward the front doors of the school. She did wonder about one thing Ben had said, though. He had said, “She really likes you.” That statement alone made Meredith wonder if maybe this was why she was so uncomfortable about the whole thing.
Maybe Dani wants me to be her girlfriend. Girlfriend
. Meredith frowned. She wanted Dani’s friendship, nothing more.
AFTER SUPPER, MEREDITH sat alone in her bedroom trying to find comfort sketching Millie, even though her head still reeled from her talk with Ben that afternoon. She welcomed the knock on her bedroom door.
“Merry, can I come in?”
“Sure, Mom. C’mon in.” Meredith put the sketch down.
Her mother opened the door and peeked in. “I’m not interrupting anything important, am I?”
“Nah, I’m just sketching.” She pulled her knees up to make room for her mother to sit on the bed.
“How’s school going? Only a couple more months left.”
“I know. I can’t wait. One more summer and then college.”
Where I can start over once and for all.
“Oh, Meredith. What are we going to do without you? You’ve been such a blessing to this family taking care of Mikey at home and at school. I don’t know what I’m going to do next year. And you, I hope you won’t be lonely so far away at Syracuse.” Her mother’s smile told Meredith that this wasn’t just a social call. Something was up.
Meredith smiled back. She would miss her family when she went off to college, but she wasn’t sure what her mother wanted her to say so she said, “Well, Dani’s going to be there, so I’ll have at least one friend.”
“Well, there’s Dani. That’s why I came up to talk to you. Dani hasn’t been around lately. I thought you two were going to do all kinds of things over spring break.”
Surprised that her mother had even noticed, she muttered, “Oh, uh, she’s just really busy with lacrosse.” What was she supposed to say? That she had freaked out over Dani being gay?
Her mother patted her hand and with a sympathetic smile said, “Well, if you ever need to talk, you know where I live. Okay?”
“I’m okay, but thanks, Mom.” Meredith pushed her glasses back up onto the bridge of her nose. “Hey, Mom?”
Her mother turned around. “Yes, honey?”
“Can I get contacts? I hate my stupid glasses.”
Her mother chuckled. “I’ll talk to your father and we’ll see what we can do. Goodnight.”
“‘Night, Mom.”
As her mother closed the door, Meredith knew she had to fix the breakdown in her friendship with Dani immediately. She had to try, anyway. What would Dani do if the situation had been reversed? With epiphany-like timing, she realized that Dani had already shown her by example. Dani had stuck by her even when Meredith tried to push her away.
You believed in me when all I wanted to do was hide. Why am I having so much trouble believing in you? Dani, what do you want from me? And...what do I want from you?
The questions tumbled around her mind, but in spite of her confusion she made one important decision. She decided, no matter what the consequences, she would attempt to salvage the friendship she had with Dani—even if Dani didn’t think she was sincere. She picked up the phone on her bedside stand and hit Dani’s number on the speed dial.
Chapter Fourteen
Serendipity
MEREDITH SAT ON her bed, gripping the pillow firmly around its middle. Dani sat backward on Meredith’s desk chair in an almost exact recreation of the scene eleven days before when Dani told Meredith that not only was she gay, but Esther and Millie were gay, too. The familiarity of the scene was not lost on Meredith. The fact that Dani had come over as soon as Meredith called made her feel optimistic about reconciliation.
Unfortunately, the reconciliation would have to wait because Mikey sat on the floor in his Spiderman pajamas staring up at Dani with rapt attention. His mouth hung open as Dani read to him from the first
Harry, Dog Spy
book she had given to him in late February, almost two months before. Dani snuck a shy smile at Meredith and shrugged as if to say, “I guess I have to give him some attention before we can talk.” Meredith simply smiled back and continued to clutch her pillow tightly.
After another five minutes hearing about the exploits of Harry the dog spy, Meredith finally had enough. “Hey, Mikey Bikey, how about you give me and Dani a chance to talk. You should go watch TV with Mom now, because you’ll have to brush your teeth and get ready for bed soon, okay?”
“Kay, Mewey.” He jumped up and hurried to the door. Turning around he said with a shy smile, “Bye, Dani.”
“Bye, dude.” Dani saluted him.
“Bye, dude.” Mikey saluted back and then bolted out the door. Dani and Meredith both laughed when they heard him stomp down the steps to the living room. Meredith dropped her pillow, got up, and closed the door after him.
Now that Mikey was gone, the room became exceptionally quiet.
Now
, Meredith thought,
it feels just like the moment Dani told me she was gay.
She sat back on the bed, but this time didn’t pick up the pillow.
“Dani?”
“Yeah?”
Meredith could tell Dani was going to let her lead on this one. Meredith wanted to laugh. So many months ago Meredith was willing to let Dani take the lead on everything, but this predicament was of her doing, so lead she must.
“I overreacted. I know that now. I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect you to tell me you were gay. I...” she sighed because she wasn’t sure how to explain the rest.
Dani cleared her throat. “I took a risk coming out to you, but I thought you’d be okay with it. With me.” Dani’s voice cracked. “I thought we were close enough friends.” The hurt in her voice made Meredith wince.
“We were close enough. I mean, we are close enough. And I am okay with it. With you. I really am. You just took me by surprise.” She never realized just how vulnerable Dani actually was. “Knowing someone who’s gay just isn’t, like a normal everyday thing for me. I was kind of sheltered, I guess, living in Greenspond. And the way the world views gay people, well, I guess I had all that stupidity in my head. I mean, I had this image of gay women looking like men but hating men at the same time. And somehow gay people were child molesters and deviants. When I finally took the time to sort it all out, I realized that all of that stuff is just plain bullshit. I let myself look at you. You aren’t any of those horrible things, and I don’t think gay people are any of those things, either. I mean I’d never even met a gay person before. Well, I guess that’s not true, now is it? I know Esther and Millie, don’t I? They are two of the sweetest old ladies in the world. But, to tell you the truth, their being gay still blows my mind.”