As I Close My Eyes (6 page)

“
Oh, Caroline. The house we grew up in is gone. It’s all gone,” cried the blonde, grasping on to my shoulders for support.

We’d have to stay with someone tonight and for a while until we had a place to live again. My heart broke as I watched the scenes around me. Families crumbled in heaps hugging each other as they stood looking at where their houses once were.

“
All of you can stay with me,” said Robert.

“
Oh no, we couldn’t,” protested the old woman. Her response to Robert’s offer told me she wasn’t comfortable accepting the proposition.

Robert grabbed my hand. “I insist. I know our home is still standing and it would be my pleasure. We don’t have as many rooms as you did, but we do have two bedrooms upstairs.” Robert’s words were soft and kind, but why did he keep saying “we?”

“
We don’t have a choice, Mother,” said the blonde.

Chapter 5

Walter’s growling woke me from my slumber with a faint white noise coming from the last song on my iPod. A rustling in the bushes below my window startled me. Then, a loud thump hit the side of our house. Walter ran to see what or who was outside and clawed at the panes of glass, barking and drooling.

“
Dani, are you there?” It sounded like Eric, but I wasn’t sure.

I slid off my bed and peeked my head slowly up to the base of the window to see if I could identify the dark shadow below. Oh, thank God, it was Eric.

“
Hey, I wondered where you were. I called a few days ago and your mama said you and Shannon had gone to The Falls for the weekend.”

“
Yeah, Brad and Shan had a fight so we went up to the cabin.”

“
How’s your head?” he asked with concern.

“
It’s fine. I’ll be right down to let you in.”

Eric entered our house and I made us some ham sandwiches with a side of strawberries. I wasn’t sure of the time, but the grumbling in my stomach told me I was hungry.

“
So did they break up again?” asked Eric as he took a big bite of his sandwich.

“
Yeah, but I’m sure Shannon’s at his house right now working things out. They’re probably having make-up sex at this very moment.”

“
Are you feeling any better?” Eric asked with his mouth full of ham.

“
Can you chew with your mouth closed, please? And yes, I’m fine.”

“
What’s wrong, Dani?”

“
Nothing. Just tired.” I lied to Eric because I didn’t want to explain my weird dreams at the moment.

“
So ... I’m thinking about transferring to another college,” Eric said.

His statement surprised me so much that I spit out the strawberry I was eating.

“
I just think I need to expand my horizons beyond the four of us and see what’s really out there. I went to Gainesville because I didn’t know what I wanted to do and y’all were all going.”

“
Well, that sucks. What will you find outside of Gainesville that’ll make any difference?”

“
I don’t know, but my grandfather said he’d pay for me to go to Northeastern in Boston.”

“
Wow! Boston. Why Boston? You love us like family! Why wouldn’t you have told me about this?”

“
It’s just a thought for now. They have this great architectural school up there and I think I’d be good at that.”

Before I could ask anymore, Mama and Bill came in through the door, effectively ending the conversation. I’d bring it up later when we were alone, as we often were because Brad and Shannon were always off doing their own thing even when the four of us were all together.

“
Hi, Eric. How were The Falls, Dani?” asked Bill.

“
Relaxing,” I replied with my hand up at my head like a drama queen diva.

“
Meet any nice boys?” Mama grinned.

“
No, Mama. I look like I just fought Mohammad Ali and lost. No boy is gonna want anything to do with this,” I made a circular motion with my finger around my face.

The afternoon settled into the evening. After dinner, the four of us curled up on the leather couches in the living room and watched a movie together, as we had done hundreds of times before. Eric left around midnight and I reluctantly ironed my DQ polo shirt for my first day of work the next morning and crawled into bed.

*  *  *

“
I can’t believe we don’t have a house anymore. And I wish I knew where John was,” said the blonde.

“
I know. I’m sure he got out and will find us soon,” I replied.

We walked through the ashes of Jackson Street, turning onto Lafayette. Robert clutched my hand, pulling me close to him protectively. Everywhere people were hugging loved ones and staring at the destruction in utter disbelief. Entire rows of homes were now cinders. Some had staircases still standing in the same spot they were before the fire. Others had nothing left.

Townspeople stopped us along the way to tell us they were glad we were okay. From the looks of it, this was a small ocean town somewhere maybe along the Northeastern coastline. It was cold, but not chilling like winter. It felt like October or November.

We eventually got to the modest house Robert lived in. Overgrown weeds hung over the stone steps, and some of the white paint on the front porch had peeled off from the salt and winds the ocean brought. Round bushes, plump with large green leaves begging to be trimmed held faded pink flowers. In the recesses of my mind, recognition clicked. I remember those bushes. What were they? I searched for the name. Hydrangeas. The answer was supplied to me from years of digging in the dirt
-
this dirt
-
not as Danielle, but as Caroline.

“
Oh, goodness,” said a distraught neighbor who came towards us at a quick pace. “You’re okay. Praise the good Lord, you’re all okay.”

“
Yes Mrs. Bigsley, we’re fine,” said the old woman as she took the hands of the portly lady.

“
Oh Caroline, Rebecca, and Irene, it’s good to see that Robert found you. We were so worried.” Black soot decorated her forehead and her gray hair hung loosely around her face with some pulled up in the back. Mrs. Bigsley was a large woman, probably in her late 50s. Her dress looked handmade. Some of the stitches were coming out on the sides, which left gaping holes where there was no longer thread. The maroon corset she wore underneath revealed itself in the open spaces.

Irene, I discerned, was probably my mother’s name and Rebecca, my sister’s.

“
Come inside and I’ll get you some tea and warm clothes to wear,” said Mrs. Bigsley.

A calico cat greeted us at the door as we entered her Victorian beach home.

“
You didn’t find John?” she asked.

“
Not yet, but I’ve heard everyone got out of their homes and there haven’t been any deaths,” replied Robert.

I stared at Robert for a while, studying his nose and his strong features. His hair was different than the man in the restaurant and it was hard to tell the similarities between the two because of the drastic differences in the way they were both dressed. Robert’s white shirt was covered in black ash and he had a five o’clock shadow coming through. He looked to be about the same age, though. Maybe late twenties. I carefully memorized the curve of his lips and the slant of his eyes.

I felt the stirrings of an affection I had never felt before and yet, somehow, it was familiar. Pictures appeared in my mind of this man’s hands on my body, the feel of his hair on my cheek, his lips on my neck. Images came to me like stop-motion photography. Caroline’s memories filtered in as though they were my own.

*  *  *

I woke up to a loud alarm and began to wonder if these dreams meant a whole lot more. What were they trying to tell me? I had to figure it out, but first, I needed to get dressed for my first day back at Dairy Queen. I had worked there since high school and became the manager for the summer about three years ago.

The smell of bacon floated up to my room when I opened the door to go downstairs. I was glad I had someone to make me breakfast in the morning, unlike in college when I usually had to grab a slice of cheese or cold pizza before my first class.

The day was uneventful; I spent most of my time stocking the ice cream bins and cleaning up the store so it was in perfect order for the rush of Lake Lanier vacationers.

I came home to another delicious dinner made by Bill. He was the best cook I knew. He made lasagna that had lots of garlic, tasty spinach and, of course, his famous sauce. I never ordered lasagna at a restaurant because I knew it wouldn’t compare to his.

“
How’d your first day go, Dani?” he asked.

“
Oh fine ... quiet actually.”

I shoveled the deliciousness of cheese, pasta, and spices into my mouth and went on to explain to Bill that I was going to do something more with my life than serve random people ice cream. He believed I would be a famous screenplay writer or maybe an editor for
Vogue
. Bill had big dreams for me since I was the only daughter he had ever known.

“
You know, your mama has been a bit down lately over Justin. That anniversary is coming up, so be extra nice to her.” Bill scooped out another small slice of lasagna and placed it carefully on my plate.

“
I know. I always know that I have to be on high alert for an emotional rollercoaster this time of year.”

“
Rightfully so, wouldn’t you say?”

“
Absolutely. I feel the same way she does.”

Bill came to my side and hugged me. Tears started to form, but never fell on my cheeks.

After my last bite, I headed to Shannon’s house for the night. The days lagged on, which didn’t help the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about the man in Tallulah. I pictured him, then Robert. They were so similar to one another.

I decided a few days later to drive up to The Falls and stay for the weekend. I wanted to see if I could run into him and find out more about why I felt such a strong connection. It wasn’t like me to be so bold, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind. It was fanciful and bizarre; an almost desperate need to know him. After three long days of ruminating and obsessing, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going back to The Falls and needed to comprehend the incessant pull towards this man.

Each passing hour made me more anxious for the weekend. I woke up, went to Dairy Queen, came home, ate dinner, went to bed, woke up, and did it all over again. Finally it was Friday.