Asa (Marked Men #6) (18 page)

He stopped at the front door and turned around to look at me. If heartbreak had an expression it would be the one that was dancing across his features at that very moment. “I never really thought I’d be able to sacrifice something for the good of someone else ever in my entire life. I guess I really have changed.”

I felt like I was going to cry. “I don’t understand. Is this because I asked you to meet my mom?” Maybe I had pushed him too far into the territory of what a real relationship looked like and this was his way of pushing back.

“I know you don’t understand and I hope you never do. You deserve better, Royal. You always did.”

He didn’t answer me about my mom, but I saw something hot spark in his eyes. I put a hand to my chest, where I felt like my heart was trying to fly out of my rib cage. I deserved better than what? Him? There was no such thing as far as I was concerned. “I’m in love with you.” My voice broke because he still pulled the door open and looked at me over his shoulder as he did it.

“I know you are. That’s why I’m walking out this door.” With that, he vanished out the front door and left me standing there stunned and dumbfounded.

I stared silently at the door for a solid ten minutes before my mom came to find me. When she did, I was rooted to the spot, shaking, and had fat, hot tears sliding silently down my face.

“Royal?” She put a hand on my shoulder and I jolted. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself because right then I needed a hug like I needed my next breath. When I looked at her, I swore guilt and relief were warring with each other on her face.

“Asa just left.” She nodded a little, understanding that I meant he left more than just this disastrous dinner.

“Didn’t he ride here with you?”

I turned to look at her, words stuck in my throat as emotion swirled and twisted inside of me so turbulent I felt like it was going to pull me apart. “He left me, Mom.” My voice cracked as I said it and she made a noise of sympathy and reached out to put a hand lightly on my shoulder.

“Well, we both know men do that, honey. They leave. Especially men that look like him that have the devil and temptation in their eyes.”

I frowned hard at her. I knew “perusing” Asa had a big probability of heartache attached to it, but for some unknown reason I was really starting to think we were going to beat the odds.

I cut my gaze toward my mother and asked her in a voice that was threatening to crack with sadness, “Why were you acting so weird around him tonight?” Everything inside of me was screaming at me to chase after him, to call him, to beg him to explain to me what in the hell was going on.

She harrumphed and patted me awkwardly where her hand rested. “I didn’t like the looks of him for you. Something about that face just screams more trouble than he’s worth. I’ve made enough mistakes in the men department for both of us, Royal. Trust me when I say you’re better off without a man like that holding on to your heartstrings.”

“That’s ridiculous and judgmental. You don’t even know him.” He was so much more than a pretty face. The complexities that lived under his artful façade were anything but attractive and that’s what I liked the most about him. His ugliness made him even more beautiful.

“I know men like him and have been victimized by a pretty face more than once in my times, Royal. Your father didn’t win me over with sweet words and grand gestures. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and that blinded me to the fact he was married and everything else that was wrong with our relationship. You can do so much better for yourself. I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t think it was true, honey. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

I hiccuped on a sob that was trying to force its way out and had to blink to see through the tears that were clinging to my lashes. I hated that both of them had suddenly decided that there was something better out there in the world for me than what I wanted … which was him. “I don’t want better. I want him and he does make me happy, mostly because he lets me make
him
happy.”

She said my name again, but I was in a daze. There were clues I knew I was missing, a trail of breadcrumbs leading to my broken heart, but I couldn’t focus on anything other than the pain I was feeling to try and follow them. I was shattered, and when I wasn’t I knew I was going to be absolutely furious with myself for taking such a big risk when I knew the outcome was bound to destroy me.

I opened the door Asa had just exited my life through and walked numbly to my car. I wanted to do this night all over again. I wanted to smack Asa in the face for causing a disastrous end to our union simply because he couldn’t help himself. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me this was all a bad dream.

I was going to Dom and then I was going to break down in a blubbering mess to try and figure out how things had gone so horribly wrong in the blink of an eye.

I had told Rowdy months ago, when he was struggling with putting his feelings for Salem in order, that men who sacrificed, who gave of themselves for others, deserved every bit of happiness the world saw fit to set at their feet. I had only had Royal for a minute, a fraction of a second, but it was time that would matter more to me than all the years and decades I had wasted being a selfish and reckless bastard. What she had created within me was far more powerful and enduring than all the things I had destroyed on my own. For once I had done the right thing without thinking, without latching on to the easy way and just riding out the lie. There was no instinct to pretend—there was only the wish to protect the girl I knew I would love forever. She saw me, all of me, and none of the faces I wore scared her. Because of that, I would never let her know that her mother, the only parent she had, the woman that had raised her and loved her, had also propositioned me for sex. I would be the bad guy in this scenario where I had ultimately done nothing wrong and save Royal the heartache that dealing with that particular revelation would undoubtedly cause. I could be a hero for once even if she didn’t know that’s what I was doing.

It’s funny. It took breaking my own heart and walking away from the one thing I had ever really wanted for me to finally be able to see that I really had moved beyond the guy I had always been before.

Royal had called me every night since I walked out on her at her mom’s place. She never left a message, never texted me or showed up at the Bar, but every night when she knew I was off of work, she called and I stared at the phone, fighting with myself not to answer. I knew she was hurting, confused, and lost. Nash had been by to rip me a new asshole. Even quiet and shy Saint had swung by the Bar to let me know she thought I was an idiot and a dipshit. I didn’t defend myself, couldn’t explain why I had to walk away from Royal even when I had just realized she was what I wanted forever. So I just took the lashes, letting everyone think what they wanted, even Rome, who felt like it was his job to give me the third degree and tell me what an obviously horrible mistake I was making. I put them all off, told them all it was doomed from the beginning, and that I couldn’t believe anyone was surprised that my relationship with the beautiful cop had crashed and burned. I told them she wanted too much, that meeting her mom and pretending to be a normal guy in a normal relationship situation was too much for me. I wasn’t cut out for it. I maintained to them all that when you had lived a life like mine, good things were not part of the equation, and those words tended to shut everyone up. There were too many questions with answers that I couldn’t give, so eventually I just stopped talking about it altogether and the gang got the hint and left me alone about it.

I wasn’t at all surprised when I got a visit from a massive fellow in a full leg cast, moving like a ninety-year-old man except he was wearing a glower fierce enough to put the fear of God into any man. I knew he was here for her and I couldn’t blame him for the fact that he looked like he wanted to pull my intestines out through my nose.

I had met Dominic Voss one other time, while he was arresting me. The look on his face as he limped his way into the Bar to confront me was a hundred times more ferocious than it had been that night. Even on one leg and in an obviously huge amount of pain, Dom didn’t come across as a guy anyone would want to cross. When he propped himself up on the opposite side of the bar from me and stared me down, all I could do was look at him and wait to see what he had to say.

He ran his hands through his dark hair in an aggravated manner and asked me to pour him a shot of Maker’s Mark on the rocks. I turned to comply and set it down in front of him with a lifted eyebrow.

“I thought I was going to come in here and threaten to kick your ass … even with one leg. I thought I was going to tell you what an absolute moron you are for letting her go and that I was going to have to tell you that you have no idea what you’re going to miss out on by not letting a girl as wonderful as Royal love you.” He picked up the rocks glass and took a swig and then lifted both his eyebrows so that his expression mirrored my own. “But I can look at you and see that you know all of that. So now I want to ask you why you did it.”

I hadn’t slept in days. I was drinking my weight in scotch every single night. I hadn’t bothered to shave, so I was scruffy, and I knew that none of the usual polish that I hid behind could be found. I looked like I had just crawled out of that trailer in Kentucky after a month-long bender and I felt about the same.

Dom continued to stare at me and I continued to stare back. He was just one more person that wanted an explanation I couldn’t give.

“You look like shit. She looks like shit. Neither one of you seems to be on board with this breakup, so why don’t you do something about it, lover boy?”

I sighed and finally looked away from that penetrating green gaze. I gazed down at the bar and lifted a hand to rub absently at the back of my neck. The knots of tension that were coiled there felt like balls of steel and iron under my skin.

“Nothing can be done about it, cop. If there was a better answer than that, I would give it … to her, not to you.”

He grunted at me and slammed back the rest of his drink. “You broke her fucking heart, which already makes you a piece of shit, but what really makes you a fuck wad is that you broke it after putting it back together for her. Why bother fixing her if you were just going to tear her back to pieces?”

That made my chest contract and my hands clench involuntarily. She was already all together when I got my hands on her. Her pieces were just a little jumbled up and out of order because she cared so much about her partner and seeing him get hurt knocked her a little loose. All I did was straighten those pieces out and tighten her back up. If anyone had put the work in to fix anyone, it was the other way around. I didn’t realize how broken I had been until she started tinkering around in all the darkness and shining her light on it. Without Royal, there was no way I would’ve been able to know that even though I had hurt her like this, it was for the best.

“If there was any other way to do this, I would’ve found it. Believe me or don’t, but I walked away
for
her, not
because
of her.”

Dom grunted again and hobbled back onto his crutches. “You better have one hell of a good reason for doing this to her.”

Oh, I had a really fucking good reason, but I wasn’t going to share it with anyone and run the risk of ripping Royal’s small family apart. Sometimes the sins of the parents did not have to be suffered by their children.

“I hope you figure your shit out, lover boy. Royal deserves someone that can stand by her and appreciates her for
all
the amazing things she brings to the table. I don’t know how on earth that person managed to be an ex-con with a twang, but stranger things have happened.”

I ran my hands over my face as my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. There was no figuring my shit out, and that’s what made the situation seem impossible. I called out to Dom as he finally made his way to the door, “Take care of her.”

He looked over his shoulder at me with a scowl. “I always have.” With that closing salvo he exited the bar and left me feeling even worse than I already was.

I got another visitor at the end of what I swore was the longest week of my life. I just wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone, to shut the world out and mourn for the loss of something I was sure was going to stick with me forever. It was the day after the first night Royal hadn’t called, so I was already keyed up and furious at myself and at the circumstances. I had never bemoaned all the crappy things that seemed to find their way to my doorstep, never minded that I had some penance to pay, but this sacrifice felt like it might be what finally took me out, what might make me drown.

I was just a shell. Just a hollow husk of a man going through the motions of the day-to-day because that was what was expected of me. I no longer had to worry or agonize over the good or the bad because there was nothing there. I felt like without her, without her light and her spark, there wasn’t this moment or any moment. I was just stuck in neutral while everything carried on and progressed around me.

She came in at the start of my shift. She had on dark sunglasses and a big ol’ floppy hat like she didn’t want to be recognized by anyone. It was a little late for that. Royal’s mother, the woman that had offered to pay me for sex, sat down at the bar and took off her dark glasses so that she was looking at me with wide, terror-filled eyes. Now that I had seen the two of them together, I couldn’t believe that I had missed the resemblance. Other than the different-colored hair, Royal was the spitting image of the stunning older woman.

Roslyn cleared her throat delicately and laid her hands on the bar top like she needed something solid to hold her in this reality.

“I had no idea you were seeing Royal when I started coming in here. She told me about the Bar, told me it was fun and that a lot of attractive young men hung out here. She never mentioned you specifically or the fact that she was seeing anyone that worked here.” That still wasn’t an excuse for the proposition she had laid at my feet. It didn’t matter if I was involved with her daughter or not. Now that I had walked away, done the clearly right thing for once in my life with no questions hounding me about my choice, I could see the far-reaching ramifications of that decision as Royal’s mother fidgeted nervously in front of me.

I had walked away, but what purpose did that serve if this woman was free to continue to act so irresponsibly with no accountability. Royal would end up hurt anyway, and my sacrifice would be for naught.

I ignored Roslyn and went to fill an order for one of the regulars. Dixie was watching me with careful eyes and I waved her off to let her know I was okay. I needed a second to get a game plan together, a second to pull a few old tricks out of my manipulative hat. I was actually surprised it had taken Roslyn this long to find her way back to the Bar. I held her entire relationship with her daughter in the palm of my hand and she had to know that. If I had been her, this would’ve been my first stop weeks ago. Maybe if I hadn’t been wallowing in my own loss and my own heartache and just generally feeling sorry for myself, I would have gone to her first. The last thing I wanted to do was give up the only woman I ever wanted for my own to have her careless mother hurt her when I wasn’t around to make it better for her.

I found my way back to where Royal’s mother was sitting after fifteen minutes of purposely making her sweat. When I reached her I braced my hands on the bar and leaned over so that when I spoke it was low and meant only for her to hear.

“The fact that you didn’t know about me and Royal doesn’t excuse your behavior. You offered me money to take you to bed. Regardless if I was already sleeping with your daughter or not, those kinds of risks are foolish and unnecessary. Put your child ahead of yourself. Put your own well-being above your incessant need for attention from the opposite sex. Even if it wasn’t me, how do you think Royal would feel if she found out that’s what you were out there doing? Offering strange men money for sex is incredibly risky. You have no idea the devastation I could have brought into your life if I had accepted an offer like that a few years ago. And your daughter’s a cop, for God’s sake. It could ruin her professionally as well as personally. Did you ever stop to think about that?”

Roslyn recoiled and she started to twist her hands together. “I have never purposely hurt Royal.”

I snorted and pushed off the bar. “Exactly. It might not be on purpose, but your selfish and reckless actions do hurt her and have done so even before now. Do you think she likes watching you jump from man to man? Do you think she likes that your loneliness makes you act foolish and thoughtless? Do you think she likes worrying about you and what you’re out there doing because you can’t manage to take care of yourself? You’re lucky to have her and you’ve never appreciated the fact.”

She narrowed her eyes a little at me. “Are you going to tell me you appreciated her while you had her, Asa?”

I lifted a shoulder and let it fall. “I was learning to. I knew from the first minute that I saw her that she was special, that she was too good for me, so I knew I had to take advantage of every single second I had with her.”

“Are you in love with my daughter?” It came out as a whisper, and she was the only person that had asked me the question that I was going to give an answer to.

“Yes, I am.” And surprisingly, being able to say it was what finally woke me up. Ayden was right. I had been sleepwalking, and allowing myself to love Royal enough to let her go was what had jolted me awake. Only being awake when all I was doing was hurting sucked ass, and I could have totally done without the heartache. Being numb did have its benefits, but I knew I could never go back to that place. The past had to stay behind me. The future had to play out however it was going to play out, and I needed to focus on everything I had right in front of me, right now.

She put a hand to her throat much like she had done at dinner and blinked at me. “So what happens now?”

I gritted my teeth and breathed out hard through my nose. “What happens is you get your act together. You help her through this breakup because I know she’s confused and hurting. You convince her that she deserves better than me, and you know that if I ever catch wind of you doing anything as fucking stupid as offer to pay a stranger for sex again, I’ll tell Royal everything, and if she won’t listen to me, I’ll tell Dom. He’ll watch you like a hawk and you won’t be able to move without him keeping eyes on you to make sure you don’t do anything so stupid again. Royal will never forgive you and Dom will never let it go, and we both know it. Your daughter loves you but what you’re doing is dangerous and unforgivable. It will be the final straw. She’s already over how you behave around the men in your life as it is. Get it together or lose her.” It was a threat that I would have no trouble and zero remorse about following through on, and I made sure she could tell that when she finally looked up to meet my gaze.