Authors: Effy Vaughn
My bedroom remained the same. It had once been the attic. But when I had turned thirteen and got tired of sharing a bedroom with both Brent and Bray, I had made a deal with momma. If I cleaned out the attic and turned it into a bedroom, she would get me a window unit put in up there so I would have heating and air when needed.
It had taken me a month, but when I had it all cleaned up and my things moved in, momma had kept her word. The other boys complained that I got a room to myself, but Momma reminded them I was the oldest.
When I had moved out, no one had tried to take my room. I had expected the twins to fight over it, but surprisingly they didn’t. Guilt tugged at me. Was it because they all hoped I would come back home? Did they want me here? Was I missed?
I threw my duffel bag onto the floor and sank down onto my bed. I missed home. I loved it here. I loved having my brothers with me and working on the same land that my father had worked on. This was my life. Or it had been until the day it all came crashing down around me.
I had taken the secret with me but I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret any longer. Steel had to know. His heart would be broken, but mine had been shattered beyond repair. He would survive this.
The nagging thought that Dixie had so easily fallen in love with someone else was driving me crazy. Just because I couldn’t find someone to fill the void in my life didn’t mean she wouldn’t be able to move on. I did want her to be happy. Knowing this was going to hurt her only made it worse.
Heavy footsteps alerted me that I had company. I was expecting Steel. I knew when I walked out of Jack’s that he’d follow me home. Part of me wanted him to, but not for the reason he was thinking. Yes, I had gotten jealous when he’d called Dixie ‘baby’. But that wasn’t why I walked out. The reasons why was so fucked up that it had been hammering in my head and I knew I had to tell him. I couldn’t just sit back and watch this. He had to know.
Lifting my gaze from the floor, I met Steel’s concerned yet determined expression. He was up here to fight for her. To keep her. To make sure I didn’t ruin this. I had to tell him. Maybe it wouldn’t have to leave this room. Maybe there was a way to hold this pain inside so that at least Dixie would be spared.
“I love her,” my younger brother said breaking the silence.
“She’s easy to love,” I replied.
Steel’s lips formed a tight line. He didn’t want to feel as if he had to compete with me. “You crushed her and then left her. She’s mine now, Asher. She’s mine. I will fight for her if you make me.”
I stood up and watched as Steel tensed up. Did he really think I would lay a hand on him? I’d protected him and beat the shit out of more than one bully over the years for him. He was my brother. I wanted him to be happy. If letting him have Dixie were the only problem we had here, then I would have walked away and let him have her. Damn it all to hell… that was not the problem.
Walking over to the far corner of the attic, I moved a loose board from the floor and bent down to pull out an old shoe box. My world had been shattered upon the discovery of this box three years ago. Every good memory and moment I had had in my life at that point was centered around Dixie. The contents of this old box had taken those away from me, leaving me an empty man.
I dusted it off. It hadn’t been touched since the day I had found it while moving around some furniture so that the bed wouldn’t hit the squeaky board directly over the living room. I had been making plans to sneak Dixie up here that weekend.
Sinking back down on my bed, I held the box with care. It was a source of agony just to touch it knowing what was inside. There was no doubt or question whether what it held was true. Looking up at Steel, I knew I wasn’t just going to end any hope he had of a future with Dixie, but that every memory he had of our father would also be altered. Just as mine had been.
“I never deserted her. I never stopped loving her,” I said and then lifted the lid off the box. “I found this three years ago, Steel. I never wanted to have to share this with anyone but I never planned on one of my brothers falling in love with my girl,” I shook my head. “She’s not my girl. She can’t be my girl.” Reaching into the box, I took out the letters that had been folded and unfolded so many times the edges were worn out. “She can’t be your girl either,” I said, then held the papers out to my brother.
Steel was watching me with a fear in his eyes as if he had understood the horror before he even looked into the box. “What is this?” he asked in a voice that was shaky and unsure.
“It’s the reason why I left her. It’s the reason why I can’t have her. Why you can’t have her.”
Steel opened the first letter. I couldn’t watch him as he read it. I dropped my head into my hands and waited in silence. His world was going to be forever changed. Just as mine had been. And I was powerless to save him from the pain.
All the letters but one were written by Dixie’s mother. In each letter she tells the man she is writing to how much she loves and misses him. She begs him to take her away from her life so that they could start a new one. The passion in her words would have been moving if each and every one of those words weren’t addressed to my father. A man I had admired. A man whose name I had been proud to bear. A man I had mourned. A man who deceived us all.
“This is,” Steel said in a tight voice, then I felt the mattress sink as he sat down beside me. “I can’t,” he muttered again.
“Keep reading,” I told him as the acid in my throat burned.
I had memorized the last letter she had written to him. Every word was burned into my brain.
Vance,
I won’t keep writing these letters to you. Not if you’re going to continue ignoring me. I don’t agree with the words you said to me. I believe we can have happiness together. This child inside me deserves us both. It will be a part of you just as those boys are. You said you loved me. You said being with me made you feel young again. Complete. But now, I’m carrying your child and you won’t speak to me. Is it because she’s pregnant again? I know she’s your wife but I have a husband too. One I am willing to walk away from. One I am willing to leave for you.
Does that mean I love you more? Because I am willing to tell him the truth. That I love you. That this child inside me is yours. Proof that the passion we have for each other is worthy of a chance. I won’t keep you from your boys. I know you love them as you should. But you don’t love their mother. You love me.
Be with me, Vance. Fix all the mistakes of our past. We messed up all those years ago when we went our separate ways. My heart has been yours since I was fifteen. It will always be. Don’t leave me. Don’t turn your back on our child.
Love you forever and always,
Millie
My father had cheated on my mother.
Dixie was my sister.
The sickness slammed into me again as I let the words in that letter replay in my head. I’d made love to Dixie. I’d been inside her and it had been a heaven like I’d never experienced again. Yet it was sick and wrong. It was sordid and I more than anything wanted to turn that emotion off in my head, but I couldn’t.
“Did you show these to Mom?” Steel asked. His voice sounded strained. I understood what he was going through.
“No. And I never will,” I replied dropping my hands into my lap and looking over at my brother.
He was staring straight ahead at the wall with the letters clasped tightly in his hands. “He was a bastard. A lying bastard,” Steel’s pain was heavy with each word.
“Yeah, he was.” I wasn’t going to argue that. He had also allowed another man to raise his child as his own. These letters were all dated months before Dixie’s birth. Before Steel’s birth. The final letter was one from my dad. It had erased any doubt that I might have had about the truth in those words. Dad had claimed her as his, but he’d said he loved us more. He wanted my mother and his boys. He couldn’t leave us and he had told her she needed to let him go. Her child would be Luke Monroe’s.
There wasn’t another letter after that, at least not in this box. Dixie’s mother had run off when Dixie was a toddler, leaving Luke to raise her alone. When Dixie had been five, Luke Monroe remarried a woman named Charlotte who adored Dixie. Charlotte became the mother Dixie had never had. And although Charlotte loved her fiercely, Dixie had always wondered about her real mother. She planned on finding her one day. She longed to know why she had left her.
I never wanted her to find Millie Monroe. I hoped the woman was dead and had taken this secret with her. Dixie could never know. She’d had too much loss and pain in her life. It was why I had suffered silently. To protect her. Always to protect her.
“Why didn’t you tell her?” Steel asked me.
I turned to my gaze to his and studied him. His pain was there. The disbelief in his eyes as he realized his happy world was crumbling. But what I saw most was his lack of need to protect her. No need to keep Dixie safe.
“Because I would die to keep her from this kind of pain,” I replied. Because I love her more than you ever could. I didn’t say those last words aloud, but we both knew they were there.
“I can’t tell her, can I? You aren’t going to let me explain this to her? I just have to hurt her like you did?”
I stood up and moved away from him. I needed some distance between us. He was thinking about himself. He wasn’t thinking about her. That infuriated me. He had planned on making a life with her, yet he wasn’t willing to sacrifice himself for her.
“The pain you would cause her by breaking it off with her is nothing compared to this kind of pain. I… made love to her. I’ve been inside her. I took her innocence… and I’m her brother, dammit. That’s fucked with my head. That’s ripped me in two. It sickens me, yet breaks me over and over again. Because… I. Love. Her.”
Steel sat there and stared at me silently for several minutes. I waited for him to argue with me, but he didn’t say a word.
Finally, when he stood up, he held the letters out to me. “I won’t tell her. I won’t tell anyone,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “I love her too…
fuck,
this is sick. Does Luke not know? He’s let us both date her. Hell, I’ve asked her to marry me.”
I shook my head. “Of course, he don’t know. He woulda never let us date Dixie. This whole fucked up shit happened because the only two people who knew are now gone.”
I took the letters and held the words that I hated more than anything in this world. “How am I supposed to hurt her?” he sounded so torn. I had been there once too. I had wanted to explain. Every time she had looked at me with those big sad eyes, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but it was wrong. This would only hurt her worse. She adored Luke Monroe. Not only would telling her mess her head up, but it would take away the security of knowing her daddy loves her. It would destroy her.
“This will kill her. You know that,” I told him.
He shook his head and then buried his face in both his hands as we stood there in silence. I understood what he was feeling. I’d been there too. I lived it every day. I missed her with every breath I took. This wasn’t going to get easier for him. But Dixie would heal and she’d find happiness. That was all I had to hold onto. Knowing one day she would get the life she deserved. All the fucking happiness in the world. My girl belonged in the sunshine. I wanted her there. This sick twisted darkness had been mine to suffer through. Now, my brother would share it with me.
Steel turned to leave. I didn’t stop him. I knew he needed time. Being alone was best for now. I stood there listening to his footsteps as he started walking away from here. From this room and these letters. He would have to hurt her now. Again. She’d suffer because of this sin.
“Be gentle with her. Please,” I said, unable to stop myself.
Steel stopped at the top of the stairs. “Nothing about this is gentle. I don’t know how I can be,” he replied.
I hadn’t been able to even look at her once I knew. There were so many things I wished I could have done differently. She deserved more from me than what I had given her. “Hold her when she cries,” I told him. Because more than anything that is what I wished I had done.