Assaulted Pretzel (28 page)

“Good night, Diane.” Jakob met Claire’s eyes across the couch and then patted the empty cushion vacated by her aunt. “Come sit? Please?”

She left the comfort of the wall but stopped short of accepting his offer. “I don’t want to sit. I feel like I’ve been cooped up for too long thinking about way too many things.”

He nudged his chin toward the front window. “We could sit outside on the porch, but that’s still sitting…”

“Make it a walk and we’re good.” At his nod, she met him midway across the room and headed out the opposite doorway from which she’d entered.

They made their way onto the front porch and then down the steps onto the sidewalk below. “Do you want to walk toward town?” he asked when they reached the driveway. “Or do you want to go the opposite way?”

Normally, she’d say toward town without so much as a moment’s hesitation. But things weren’t normal. In fact, the notion of walking in the direction of the Amish only served to reignite the pounding behind her eyes. “Let’s save town for another night…when an occasional buggy sighting can fill me with peace like it usually does.”

“And tonight is different?”

“It is.” She knew she was being vague, but she couldn’t help it. So much of what was nagging at her heart and mind had to do with Jakob.

“Why?”

It was a simple question, one she should have been able to shrug away, but she couldn’t. Not when he raked his hand through his already-disheveled crop of blond hair and followed it with an encouraging and dimple-accompanied smile. “There’s just a lot going on right now. That’s all.”

“Such as…”

Realizing resistance was futile, she chose the less personal of the two conversational options. “A couple of days ago, I actually thought I knew who killed Robert Karble. I didn’t like who it was but I thought I’d figured it out. He had motive, he had as good an opportunity as anyone else at that festival, and, well, it just made sense.”

Jakob lengthened his already long stride in order to keep up with Claire. “Who was that?”

“Daniel Lapp.” Even now, with everything she knew about all of her other suspects, it still pained her to say the Amish toy maker’s name aloud. “He stood to lose huge with Robert’s—I mean
Ann’s
decision to move the production line to Michigan.

“But then I talked to Melinda and I—” She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as the enormity of what she was about to say, and who she was about to say it to, hit her with
a one-two punch. Isaac was Jakob’s brother. It was up to Isaac to tell Jakob about his connection with the murder victim, not Claire.

“You, what?” When she didn’t answer, he took hold of her hand and repeated his inquiry.

The warmth she felt at his touch made her stumble back a little, reminding her of the other discussion they needed to have. “I…I began to see that she has her own motive for wanting to see her boss dead.”

Nice save…

She felt the intensity of his eyes but refused to meet them with her own. Despite having known each other for just over two months, Jakob had a knack for reading her thoughts that made her more than a little uncomfortable.

If he suspected she was holding something back, though, he didn’t comment. Instead, he took to her quick shift like a duck to water. “Wouldn’t killing Robert put her job in jeopardy if the company folds as a result?”

“Karble Toys isn’t going anywhere. But, even if it was, the eyes of the corporate world are on the company right now. Waiting to see how they handle this tragedy. If Melinda plays her cards right, her handling of the press could be her ticket into any number of companies. And really big ones, at that.”

With nary a word necessary, Claire and Jakob resumed their walk, the sound of their own footsteps over the next two blocks standing in for their conversation. Eventually, though, Jakob spoke, his voice every bit as strong as it was quiet. “I’ve been looking at the same two suspects myself, as well as a few others.”

Again, she stopped. “Others?”

A streetlamp midway down the next block cast just enough light on Jakob’s face for Claire to see the worry
etched in the lines around his mouth and to the side of his eyes. And in that moment, she knew.

Somehow, Jakob had found out about Isaac.

But how? Had Isaac told him or—

“I owe you an apology, Claire.”

“An apology?” She looked up at him, confused. “For what?”

“For being a jerk at the meeting yesterday. For dismissing you so quickly at the pond before that. It was wrong. Though, I’m not sure how I can do it any other way.”

Just like that, Jakob took them down a path she knew they needed to go, yet she was unprepared for the journey. “Do what? Have a relationship with Martha? Because if that’s what all of this is, you have to know I’ve wanted nothing else for the two of you since I was made aware of your ties.”

He shifted from foot to foot then put one hand to her lower back and pointed with the other. “Can we go sit over there? In the park?”

She followed his eyes to the neighborhood park that was less than a block away. There, the handful of swings that gently swayed in the late-evening breeze offered a sense of calm she desperately needed. Nodding, she allowed him to silently guide her to an empty picnic table tucked under a tree less than ten feet from the swing set. “I know you’ve been wanting me to have a relationship with my sister. You’ve made no bones about that these past couple of months and it’s meant the world to me. It really has.”

Slowly, she lowered herself to the closest bench and waited for him to continue, the rising lump in her throat making it difficult to speak.

“But what you have to know is that talking to me—for any reason—could get my sister shunned not only within
the Amish community but inside her own home…
in front of
and
by
her own children.” Jakob cupped his hand over his mouth only to let it slide down his chin to complete his thought. “My leaving after baptism caused Martha enough pain. I can’t cause her any more.”

“And you think
I
want to see her shunned?” She heard the disbelief in her voice, saw the way it only served to deepen the lines around the detective’s eyes. “Tell me you don’t really believe that, Jakob. Because you can’t.”

He stepped toward the swings then doubled back. “I don’t think you want to see her shunned, but the more people who are aware of what’s going on between Martha and me, the greater the risk grows.”

“I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone,” she protested. “And I’m insulted to hear that you would doubt my word.”

“I’m not saying you’d consciously decide to sell us out.” Jakob paced back and forth across the portion of the playground closest to the table. “That, I know you wouldn’t do. But it’s like anything in life. The more people who know, the greater the chance someone will slip—even innocently.”

She could feel the anger welling up inside her chest alongside the urge to get up and walk away, but she resisted. “I could have slipped, as you call it, just this afternoon. With Esther. But alleviating her fears for her mother is on you, not me.”

He stopped midpace and turned to stare at Claire. “Esther is afraid for Martha? Why?”

“Because she’s a smart girl. She sees the way her mother keeps sneaking off. She sees the way Martha acts all jumpy after coming back from her mystery trips. And she’s putting two and two together and coming up with six.”

Again, he swiped a hand down his face. “Six?”

“That’s right, six. Esther thinks her mother is sick and that Martha is disappearing in the middle of the day to go to doctor’s appointments. She thinks the worried look she sees in her Mamm’s eyes is because of a life-threatening illness of some sort.”

“Oh no…” Jakob muttered. “Are you sure?”

“Positive. She shared her worries with me today at the shop.”

“And—and you didn’t tell her the truth?”

A swell of anger she could no longer tamp down brought her to her feet. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I gave you my word I wouldn’t say anything, remember?”

He crossed to the table and dropped onto the bench across from Claire, the sadness in his eyes softening her anger a smidge. “Oh man…Claire. I had no idea. I’m sorry I put you in that position.” Propping his elbows on the table, he dropped his head into his hands and exhaled a breath of exasperation. “But see? This is why I’m keeping you at arm’s length right now. Because I don’t want to put you in an awkward position like that again and…”

She waited for him to reclaim the words he let fade into the night air, but he didn’t. Instead, he simply cradled his forehead and mumbled words that made no sense. “Jakob, please, finish your sentence.”

“Look, all I can say is that Martha has to be my focus right now. I knew how much my decision to leave my Amish roots hurt me, but I never realized just how much it hurt her. I have to make amends. I have to make things right. That…
and she
…needs to be my focus right now.”

“And being polite to me changes that somehow?” The hurt in her voice was unmistakable but she didn’t care. She was tired of hiding her feelings about everything where
Jakob and Benjamin were concerned. She cared for them in a way that went deeper than friendship.

He lifted his head off his hands and pinned her with a pained expression. “I wasn’t trying to be rude. I’m just trying to fix my past before I even think about moving on to my future.”

*   *   *

I
f it hadn’t been for the light peeking out from beneath her aunt’s door, Claire never would have knocked. But seeing as how Diane was obviously awake, she gave in to her need for the hug she knew was always waiting.

“Diane?” she whispered through the door. “It’s me…Claire. Can I come in for a few minutes?”

The words were no sooner out of her mouth than the door swung open and the hug she so desperately needed was there for the taking. “Claire, dear? Is everything okay?”

She reached backward and closed the door while doing her best to strike a tone that would allow her to get through the conversation she both needed and dreaded. “I don’t know. I’ve been telling myself for so long that I don’t have feelings for Jakob but it’s not true. I do. I’m not sure how deep they run, but they’re there. Just as the feelings I have for Benjamin are there, too. But I can’t explore those feelings for either one because I’m English and they’re—”

“Jakob is English now, too.”

If it wasn’t for the fact that her heart was breaking, she’d have laughed at her aunt’s persistence. Instead, she simply shook her head. “But his heart is with the Amish. And right now, there’s only room for that.”

As the words left her mouth and headed for the dissection room that was her aunt’s brain, Claire wandered over to the
window seat Diane had adorned with throw pillows of every shape and size and sat down, pressing her forehead to the cool windowpane. “And for whatever reason, hearing him say that hurt terribly.”

Diane hesitated a moment then stepped in behind Claire with a brush and some much needed tender loving care. Slowly, the woman moved the brush through her niece’s hair, again and again, giving them both a few moments to think. “I can’t speak for Jakob, dear, but I’ll tell you what I think is going on and you can decide whether it holds any merit or not.”

She gave herself over to the nurturing feel of the hairbrush and the certainty that somehow, someway, Diane was going to make things better. “Okay, let’s hear it.”

“Have you ever heard that expression about loving yourself before you can truly love another?”

“Yes.”

“I think that is what Jakob is trying to do right now.”

Startled by her aunt’s words, Claire moved her head away from the path of the brush and looked at Diane over her shoulder. “What are you talking about?”

“Jakob may have accepted his decision to become a police officer, but he’s never accepted the loss of his family
because
of that decision. If he had, he’d never have left the NYPD to come back here. Why would he? It’s not like he’ll ever get much recognition in a town the size of Heavenly, especially when half the town won’t speak to him.”

She swiveled her body around so as to afford an easier view of the woman who’d been her most treasured confidante since childhood. “Go on…”

“Don’t you see? He came back here to make himself whole again. Though I’ll admit, until you told me about him and Martha, I’d have said it could never happen. But now,
who knows? If they’re careful and don’t let the word out, maybe he can forge some sort of relationship with her again.”

“Whole?” she whispered.

“Losing something that matters to you—something that helped make you who you are—has a way of making a person feel less whole. You know, like something important is missing from who you are. And with that missing part, it’s hard to ever imagine truly being who you want to be in the future.

“Sometimes, that missing part is acceptance—either from one’s self or someone else. Sometimes that missing part is a
connection
to something else…like a person or an event. Jakob’s missing part is his relationship with his family. Whether that can be satisfied by simply reestablishing a relationship with Martha remains to be seen. But I suspect he wants to put his own heart back together again before he can truly give it to you. Just like you need to put your heart back together before you can truly give it to him or anyone else.”

It made sense. It really did. But still, her heart ached. She didn’t want him to shut her out while he made himself whole. Then again, if there was even a chance he was doing all of this for her, how could she judge when her own heart still held such a question mark when it came to Jakob?

And Benjamin?

“Give him a chance to make that connection, Claire. I suspect it will make all the difference in the world. For him and for you.”