At Any Cost (6 page)

She smiled again at the sound of her name, which still rang in her ear from him growling it earlier. “You didn’t make an offer, either.”

He sat up, and the blankets pooled around his waist. The room had gone cold with the fire out, but neither of them moved to dress.

Without his clothes, he didn’t look like a king or a soldier. Just a man, if one who was beautiful and powerful and talented in ways that went beyond magic. Maggie decided she liked him this way the best, but that she would take him as a king if she had to.

If that were possible,
she amended. Wives or no, she was tired of denying what she felt.
Reality can shove itself into a dank hole and die. I’ll take my fantasy.

“There are things I should tell you,” he said. “Though I don’t know why I trust you any more than I know why I need you.”

“Maybe because I’ll be in more trouble than you if anyone finds out about this.”

He nodded. “Maybe that’s part of it. As I said when we met, I tend to judge people well, and I trust you enough to share a secret that could ruin me if the wrong people find out.”

She sat up and shifted closer.

He stared at his hands. “I consider strength of the utmost importance, in appearance and in fact. A weak man cannot hold a country, no matter how strong his magic. I’ve kept myself strong by not forming attachments, by remaining rational in all of my decisions, strategic in my relationships. But I confess this to you, and only you. You have made me weak. You’ve captured my mind, and I fear my heart.” He hesitated. “It consumes me. I find myself distracted. When things go wrong, I wish you were there for me to speak with. Over the past century I’ve come to find my position, the one I fought so hard for, is in many ways as good as a prison sentence. But when I’m with you, I am free.”

Something in her became unmoored at his words, allowing tightly reined emotions to slip free. This was no infatuation, no quick lust-filled inferno that would burn itself out. This man, who had so reluctantly opened his heart to her, had somehow captured her completely.

“Thank you,” she whispered. She rested her head on his shoulder and kissed his throat. “I feel the same way, I think. My life may not be as difficult as yours, but I can’t help thinking I’d bear any challenge better if I knew you waited on the other side of it.” She blinked back tears of regret that burned her eyes. “You make me feel extraordinary, and I…” She trailed off, unsure of how to explain it. “I can’t help thinking we’re more together. Even you, who just might be everything all on your own.”

He smiled sadly. “Hardly. There are times when I feel I’m nothing. Days run together like a river, one just like the next, and I wonder at the end of a year what I’m doing with my life, whether I truly exist at all. That’s changed since I met you. You are extraordinary. Never doubt it.” He paused, and Maggie felt tension heavy in the air, like a storm about to break. “There’s a way we might be together, but I hesitate to offer,” he said slowly. “It would almost certainly be better for both of us if you left now and we never spoke again. You could find happiness like that friend of yours in the shop. Get yourself a nice boy from Belleisle to marry.”

A deep ache tugged at her chest. She could have that. It would be fine. She’d learn to pretend to love an ordinary life. She would live out her life on the island, never leaving her mark, but perhaps finding happiness before history erased her completely.

The thought made her want to weep when she compared it to what she felt with Ulric.

“Tell me,” she whispered.

He cleared his throat. “A king in Tyrea is permitted more than one wife.”

“I heard.”

The bitterness in her voice surprised her.
So much for leaving the world outside.

Ulric sighed. “It’s not pretty, I admit, but it is reality. None of my marriages are like what I’d wish to have with you. I can’t get rid of Daris—my queen—though I loathe her. Her position is secure. But if you would consent to ruling my heart while she bears the title, knowing that you’re the only one I’ve ever…” He paused again. “I said you make me weak, but the opposite is also true. I’ve been crumbling under the weight of my life and my responsibilities, caring little and letting things slide when I shouldn’t. But with you, I feel stronger.” He frowned as he looked into her eyes, studying her as though she were a thing he’d never so much as imagined before. “I might feel joy again if I could keep you near, be free from everything else when we’re together. You make me feel like I could live another thousand years and be a better man, if only I could spend it making you happy.”

“I won’t be around for a thousand years, even if you are,” she reminded him. “Ordinary as dirt, remember?”

“Then my desire is that you spend the rest of your days with me. I would protect you. Keep you safe from the nobles I so hate, and from…” He frowned. “Gods, there’s so much I still need to explain about Luid, about my life. But I would give you everything you desire. I would put your happiness before mine. You are my happiness, I think. Or you could be.”

The light outside the window brightened as the clouds cleared, burning orange as the sun set. Maggie leaned back against the pillows. “The one thing I would desire most from you is the one thing you can’t give me,” she said. “I wish you were a normal man, or at least a normal Sorcerer. Not a king. Belonging only to me, not to your court or your people or another wife or three. Your wealth doesn’t matter to me, but your attention does. Would I have that?”

“As much as I could give. Being with you isn’t a chore as it is with everyone else. But I can’t promise you the life your friend in that shop is planning.”

Maggie smiled. “You can’t promise me a rough start, financial struggles, and probably too many children, like Rashel will likely have?”

Ulric shook his head. “And people wonder why I consider love foolish.”

“She’ll have purpose, though. She’ll be important. She’ll make a life for herself, and she’ll be desperately loved through all of it.”

“You are important to me,” he said softly. “You are needed. I fear the power you hold over me more than I’ve ever feared anything. Is that not enough?”

She bit her lip.
I can’t be considering this.
“And what of my family?”

He lay beside her and traced his fingers over her stomach, drawing symbols or words she couldn’t interpret. “I don’t think your father would be pleased, to say the least. This isn’t his decision, though, and he’d have to respect your choice. It’s clear he cares for you, and you him. But it would be best if you didn’t come back to visit him here if we were married. I wasn’t lying about the dangers of being thought a spy, and communication with anyone here would not end well for you. I would do everything in my power to keep you safe, but even that only extends so far.”

Maggie’s gut wrenched. To never see her home again. Her father. Emalda. Rashel.

But other than them, who would miss you?

She squeezed her eyes closed, and a tear tracked down her temple. “It’s too hard.”

He pulled her close and kissed the tear away, then pressed his lips to hers. She melted against him. “I know,” he said. “But I can’t make the decision for you.” His fingers traced their way down her body, dancing over curves and valleys like he’d known her for far longer than this one afternoon. She moved against him, and felt his smile.

“Make the decision after you go home,” he said. “If you want to come with me, meet me at the bridge in two days at sunrise. If you’re not there, I’ll know your answer.”

The only sensible answer,
she added, but the thought was pushed aside as his lips found hers again.

The light outside the room dimmed and the sky turned black, and still she stayed. Her parents would be worried, perhaps furious. It didn’t matter.

I wish things were different,
she thought as she brushed his hair back from his sleeping face hours later. She wondered whether anyone had seen him like this before, relaxed and satisfied and at peace.
I wish I could be your refuge when your long life and responsibilities threaten to harden you. I wish loving you didn’t have to hurt.

The thought made her pause.
Love. I love him.

An old oath came back to her, and she shivered. Might love at any cost include this? Her family, her dearest friend, the only life she’d ever known?

She leaned in and placed a kiss on the king’s brow. He smiled and opened one eye, then went back to sleep.

To rule his heart and his bed, to command a king, would be something worthwhile.
And perhaps,
she thought as she slipped back into her dress,
this would make peace forever.
Her father would be angry when she told him, but he’d eventually see how Ulric adored her. She wouldn’t be able to contact her father herself after she went to Luid, but he and Ulric might talk someday. Lines of communication far wider than a dinner once every few decades would be opened. Their mutual mistrust would fade, if only they could see each other the way she saw them.

Her decision made, Maggie grabbed her bag and checked the lock on the door as she left. She stole through dark streets on feet that felt as light as air, even as a heart filled with half-doubts drew her back to earth.

At any cost,
she reminded herself. She only hoped the payment wouldn’t be too painful.

T
he faintest hint
of dawn touched the sky as Maggie squeezed between the gates and walked up the curving road that led to the school. She had never known any other home, yet tonight she felt like a stranger sneaking in. The long brick building reached several stories high; with all of the lamps out, it appeared as a negative space, swallowing up the stars and leaving a rectangle of blackness. As she rounded the corner, she found that someone had left a light burning over the kitchen entry. She pushed the door open slowly so as not to draw out the creak that had given away so many students over the years.

Her caution had been unnecessary. Her father sat at the wooden table, hands wrapped around something that probably tasted horrible. Where Maggie’s mother had always made an effort to make her potions taste as good as they worked, Emalda saw no point in disguising her medicines.

He leaned back in his chair. “Well, you’ve returned to us after all.”

Maggie adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder. “I’m sorry if you were worried.”

“You’re an adult. I would appreciate the courtesy of you letting us know when you’ll be out late, though. Emalda fretted over leaving the door unlocked until I said I’d wait up.”

“I won’t worry you like that again.”
Not exactly like that.
He’d worry, no doubt, but as he had said, she was an adult now. She was free to make her choices.

He didn’t say anything else, and she couldn’t tell whether she was being dismissed. How could she make this work? Telling him would lead to a fight. But to say nothing, to just walk away… no. She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.

“I’ve met someone.”

“We assumed you had. Is there anything you’d like to tell me? A name, perhaps?” He sipped from his mug. “You seemed out of sorts this summer, and Emalda and I wondered whether it might be a problem of a romantic nature.”

“You never mentioned it to me.”

“I didn’t know how. You’ve always seemed to know your own mind when it comes to these things. But if there’s anything I can do, I hope you’ll tell me.” He sighed. “We haven’t always been as close as I’d have liked. The school keeps me busy, as do my other duties, but I hope you know I’m here if you need me.”

A lump formed in her throat, making it hard to speak. “All I want is your blessing, to know that if I leave you’ll still love me. No matter what.”

His gray eyebrows arched. “Of course. I hope I’ve never given any other impression.”

“Even if I choose to be with someone you wouldn’t want for me? Not someone you’ve invited to parties, or who we’ve had dinners with? Not a former student?”

He pushed a chair out with his foot, but she didn’t take the invitation to sit. “I want my daughter to be happy. Of course we hoped you’d find love with someone powerful and well-off who would provide a stable home for you. But it’s not as though you were bred for this, my dear. You’re free to love as you choose.”

She wanted to believe his words, but knew the next ones she spoke would change his mind.

“I met a man in Tyrea early in the summer,” she said. “I love him.”

Her father’s face paled. “Tyrean? You can’t know him very well.”

“We’ve met a few times. I just saw him tonight. I know him well enough to know that he makes me happy. I—” She fought to control the tremor in her voice. “I’m terrified of moving there, of what he means to me, what I mean to him, and how our love might change everything. I tried to fight this, and I can’t. Father, if you want me to be happy, let me go. He’s promised to protect me there, to take care of me.”

The Sorcerer’s eyes narrowed. “Where?”

“Luid.”

“Maggie.”

The first time he’d used that name. She steeled herself. “The king has asked me—”

“The king? What—No.” He rose, sending his chair clattering to the floor. He pressed his trembling hands to the surface of the table, steadying himself. “You were… You were with him tonight?”

“I was.”

“What were you thinking? Do you have any idea what you’ve gotten yourself into?” His fingers raked through his short, gray hair.

Maggie folded her hands in front of her and gripped the fabric of her jacket tight. She’d never seen him this angry, and hoped the insane glaze that flashed over his eyes wasn’t aimed at her. “Do you have any intention of listening if I explain?”

His cheeks reddened as he pointed a long finger at her. “You know how I feel about that man.”

“You don’t know him.” Her voice trembled. “You think you do, but you only remember who he was. Your long memory makes you short-sighted, and I can’t let that make my decisions for me. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t even know who he was when we first met. But he’s been kind to me, he cares for me. He needs me. I can make things better for all of us.”

His expression turned grim. “Magdalena, listen to me. You think you know him based on what you’ve seen, but you haven’t seen anything at all. So he was kind to you when you were alone and made pretty promises to keep you safe. Did he tell you that you’d be his fifth wife? Concurrent, not consecutive.”

She cleared her throat. “I know.”

Her father’s jaw muscles clenched. “And you wish to be one more? To throw your life away?”

“He doesn’t feel the same way about them as he does me,” she explained, but the words sounded thin. “They were marriages of convenience.”

“Convenience?” He shook his head. “Maggie. Did he tell you that every one of them is like you, without magic but from a strong family? His convenience wasn’t about political strategizing. Every one of those women came from a great magical family, but possessed none herself, and was chosen to provide Ulric with the strongest children possible. Nothing more. You’re exactly what he’s always looked for, though I’d say none of them had the same potential.”

A wave of nausea swept over her.
Like a prize sow
, she thought, remembering the old man’s suggestion that had so depressed her when she was a child. She shook the thought off. “It’s not like that. He didn’t know who I was when we met and got to know each other.”

“Then this is working out well for him, isn’t it?” His brow creased with sadness—with pity, she realized—but he remained standing, unmoving. “I’m so sorry.”

She sank into the chair, trembling, and he slid the mug across the table. She ignored it and focused on drawing breaths past the painful tightening in her chest. It had all made sense when she’d been with Ulric, but here she felt less certain.

I’ve been mistaken before.

“I don’t want to do this,” her father said, and laid a hand on her shoulder. “But you need to know. Ulric has come to be known as a fair king in most living people’s time, but he took the throne in a series of bloody battles fought against his own family. That’s their way, and it would be the way for your children as well if you married him. He’s a powerful enough Sorcerer that I would hesitate to go up against him, myself. He’s honed his skills for battle, focused on his ability to steal an opponent’s physical or magical strength. Is that a man you wish to be at the mercy of for the rest of your life? One able to control you, to make you a slave if he so pleases?”

“I read a little about that in my books, but there wasn’t a lot on him that far back.” Her voice came out flat, though her mind had become a raging storm. “He isn’t like that at all, though.” She didn’t fight back the tear that slipped down her cheek. “Maybe he was once like that. But he’s changed. Or he could, if he had someone to love him.”

The words rang hollow, like the romantic imaginings of a young girl. Maggie hung her head.

Her father picked up his chair and sank into it. “Maggie. If you leave now, if you go with him, you will regret it for the rest of your life. And I won’t be able to save you. The danger you’d be in…” He pressed his lips together. “He’s a liar. He always has been. I’m terribly sorry that he deceived you, but you must believe me when I say that his intentions for you are not what you think. The best you could hope for with him would be to be used for a few children and left to fend for yourself amidst the Tyrean court. That’s all he’s given to the others. You deserve so much more.”

“I love him.” The words barely squeaked out of her, and hung limp in the air. Useless. Meaningless.

“You love the man he pretends to be.”

The tears came in earnest, soaking the sleeves of her jacket as she laid her head on her arms. She sobbed herself empty, and only when she stopped did her father speak again.

“If I had known you were involved with him, I’d have told you sooner.”

She shrugged off her jacket and wiped her nose on the sleeve beneath. She suspected she’d be burning the dress anyway, given the memories associated with it. “I should have told you. I was just so happy to have found someone who I thought understood me and appreciated me.”

The great Sorcerer reached out to touch his daughter’s hair, a comforting gesture she hadn’t felt since she was a child. She leaned into it.

“Maybe he does, on some level,” he said gently. “I dare say any man who met you would be a fool not to fall hard, which just shows how many foolish men there are here. But that doesn’t change who he is, or the fact that he probably lied to you about more than his wives.” He pulled his hand away. “But this is your choice. I won’t force you to stay.”

A deep, aching void opened inside of her.
Stupid. Foolish. Gullible.

“You won’t have to make me stay.” She wiped her eyes and stood with as much dignity as she could muster. “I think I’ll go to bed now.”

“Of course. I’ll tell Emalda not to disturb you, but I’m sure she’ll be eager to fix what she can when you emerge.”

“Thank you.” She dragged herself up the back staircase to her room and collapsed into bed, too exhausted to shed another tear.