Authors: Bianca L. Eugene
I knew the train ride back to the D was going to take a while, but I didn’t think it would be this long. It seemed like forever, although everything seems like an eternity when you’re not certain of what lies ahead.
I couldn’t help myself. I wondered when he was going to realize I was gone and wasn’t coming back. I took everything that belonged to me and Taylor that could fit in suitcases. Anything else that wouldn’t fit was left behind; along with my five karat engagement ring and a note,
I can’t do this anymore. You can’t be what I need you to be and I can’t be what you want me to be. I’m tired of trying to fix this and make it work. This is not how love is supposed to be. I’m done.
Keisha
I held in my tears as I got Taylor ready for our trip back home, but the longer I sat on the train, the more strength I lost. Most of the passengers were sleep, so finally I just let it out. I let out all of the frustration, embarrassment, and regret as tears ran down my cheeks.
It wasn’t just regret over our ill-fated relationship. It was because in the back of my mind there was always something tugging at me, and I kept disregarding it. I loved Durran, but I always knew that he could never be what I needed him to be. I held on to some false hope that Durran could possibly change for the better and I would be the one to help change him.
It was selfish of me, but I wanted to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. It was my fault for expecting something unrealistic. He couldn’t help that he was the way he was. The sad part about it all was that I knew it all along. Still, I fooled myself into believing otherwise.
I felt awful that I’d uprooted Taylor because of my desire to have what I thought was a real family. Taylor was my family, and to pursue what I thought I needed by masking it as something she needed was wrong. I put my desires before my daughter’s, and that would be the last time that would ever happen again.
In addition to that, my clouded judgment nearly cost me a lifelong friendship. When I made up my mind that I was leaving I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I knew if I had told my mother she just would have told me, “Women have to deal with things in order to be comfortable sometimes”.
Yvette wouldn’t have been any better. I’m sure her advice would’ve been, “Girl, don’t worry about none
of that shit. That nigga know where home is.” I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to digest that mess.
I wanted out and needed someone who would be on my side. I called Missy around nine o’clock as I wrestled back and forth with the idea to finally leave Durran.
“What’s wrong?” Was the first thing I heard as she picked up the
phone.
I was trying to get my words together. I hadn’t spoken to Missy in so long. I wasn’t even sure she was going to pick up the phone, “Keisha, what’s going on?”
“I’m leaving tonight out of Atlanta. Can you pick me up from the train station?” I asked hesitantly.
“What time?”
“2:30 in the afternoon.”
“Alright.
I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Missy replied. There was a brief silence between us. I cracked a small smile, “I love you, Missy.”
“I love you too, Keish. I’ll see you in the afternoon. Have a safe trip back.”
And that was it. She didn’t ask me what happened. She didn’t rub it in that she was right or anything like that. She was just there-there when I needed her. She always had been. I didn’t know why I expected any different from her.
I’d finally cried myself out. I took my iPod out of my pocket, and put in my earphones. I closed my eyes and tried to relax as Beyoncé’s “
Me, Myself and I”
played.
“Get off the ground, Taylor.”
“But Mommy, I’m tired.” She whined as she sat on the curb outside of the Amtrak station on Woodward and Milwaukee.
I knew she was tired. I was too. But she still wasn’t sitting on the ground, “Alright baby, come here.”
Holding her hand and lugging our bags behind me as we walked to the bench. I sat down and Taylor hopped on my lap before laying her head on my chest. I rubbed her head full of curly hair and kissed her forehead.
“Where are we going?” She asked softly.
“To your Godmother’s.”
I responded.
“Is she picking us up?”
“Yes baby.”
“Okay.”
We sat there for a while longer watching the cars go up and down the street. It was a beautiful sunny Detroit day. As beautiful as it was, it was still pretty cold out.
It was another cold March afternoon. I needed Missy to hurry the hell up. As soon as those thoughts escaped my mind, she barreled into the parking lot in silver Jeep Grand Cherokee.
“Come on baby, get up. Missy’s here.” I instructed Taylor as I patted her right leg. I was so happy to see her. I’d missed her so much over the past year. She ran over to us. “Hey!” She yelled as she hugged us tightly.
“I missed you, Missy.” Taylor said sounding too grown for me.
“I missed you too, Munchkin.” She replied before smiling and kissing her on the cheek.
“Can we go to McDonald’s?” Taylor asked. I knew it was only a matter of time before she asked.
That was Taylor and Missy’s spot. Whenever Taylor got around Missy it was one of the first things she would ask to do.
“Sure baby.
As long as it’s okay with your mother.”
She said looking at me like I was the bad guy.
“I hate when y’all do this.” I said shaking my head.
“Please, Mommy!?” Taylor begged. I looked at Missy for a moment before looking back at Taylor and finally nodding my head.
“Yay!”
Taylor and Missy yelled in unison.
We went back to Missy’s, dropped off our things and headed out to McDonald’s. After Taylor ate her food, she went to play in the indoor playscape, which gave Melissa and me chance to finally talk.
“Runaway Bride?”
She asked simply. I scrunched up my face at her and she began to laugh.
“You know I had to break the ice somehow.”
“I know. I missed your smart ass mouth.” I admitted.
“Yeah and I missed you too.” She replied with a smile.
There was a brief silence. I glanced away to keep my view of Taylor, “He had a baby on me.”
“What!?”
Missy exclaimed.
I put my finger up to my mouth to hush her, “Sheriff came to my door serving me some damn child support papers.”
“I can’t believe that nigga.” Missy said taking a sip of her Sweet Tea.
“That’s not even the worst part,” I said turning my attention back to her. Missy looked afraid to hear what I was going to say next, “I done seen the bitch
multiple times. She was his assistant. She was there when I fucked his soundboard up-”
“Wait, what? You fucked his soundboard up? What, in his studio?”
“Poured Grey Goose all over it after I found a condom.”
Missy burst out into laughter, “Damn, Keish!
You out here gettin’ your Terry McMillan on?”
“Shut up.” I said chuckling with her.
Eventually the laughter died down and the mood began to get slightly somber. Missy sighed, “You alright?”
“Yeah I’m good. I saw all the signs. I just feel fucked up that I let it get to that point, you know?” I explained. Missy nodded her head before I looked back over at Taylor, “I mean
,
I nearly threw away our friendship over his ass. I left my whole life behind chasing a fucking dream.”
“You did do all those things.” She agreed jokingly. She smiled and chuckled a little.
“Shut up! I’m being serious,” I said trying to hold back my grin.
“You might as well laugh, girl. It’ll keep you from crying.”
“You’re right, but seriously…I’m just mad at myself for wanting to be loved so badly to the point where I would let things get like this. Durran’s a dirty motherfucka for what he did, but I let him do it. I went along with the shit.”
“Ain’t
nothing
wrong with wanting to be loved, Keisha. Ain’t a damn thing wrong with that, but before you can love another person Boo, you gotta love yourself.” Missy said placing her hand on mine and rubbing it.
“You’re right.” I said solemnly.
After our heart-to-heart talk, we went back to Missy’s to relax from our train trip. She said that we could stay with her for as long as we needed to, but I didn’t want to be a burden to her and her lifestyle. Besides, I had to face the music with my mother and Yvette sometime.
Once I got Taylor settled in for the night, I decided to make a phone call to my mother.
“Hey, Momma.”
I said sheepishly.
“Girl, where are you? Durran been calling here non-stop looking for you.” She revealed. This definitely wasn’t how I wanted to start this conversation.
“Well hello to you too, Momma.” I replied aggressively.
“Don’t get smart with me. Where are you?” She asked.
I was already close to hanging up, “I’m over Missy’s.”
“What you mean you over to Missy’s? You done left the state of Georgia? Sweet Jesus! Girl, you know you are drama. What could he have done so bad to make you up and leave the damn state?”
“What happened, Momma?” I heard from Yvette in the background.
“Will you calm down? I’m trying to find out now.” She replied.
They were already plucking my nerves, “Momma, will you listen
to
me!?”
“What is it? What happened?” He asked.
“Durran had a damn baby on me, alright? He was fucking some bitch while I was down there playing house and he got her pregnant, okay? That’s why I left him!”
“Listen little girl, I know you’re upset and everything but you will not use that tone or that language with me. You understand!?” She scolded.
“All I am saying is when can you ever be on my side? Am I your child or is he?”
“Quit being so sensitive, girl. All I’m saying is I was worried about you. He was calling here all frantic saying he couldn’t find you or Taylor. He was about to call the police. He was acting like somebody had kidnapped y’all.”
I was drama?
Anything Durran said, she believed. She always played into his games.
“Well you can inform him when he calls that
me
and my daughter are just fine.”
There was a brief silence. “How’s Taylor?”
“She’s fine…sleeping.” I replied annoyed.
“Well, you know you know y’all can stay with me. You know, until you get back on your feet and you and Durran work things out. I know Melissa’s place ain’t but that big, so you might as well just stay here.”