Atonement (50 page)

“I appreciate you speaking with me, Captain,” Mattings began once they had entered an area lined with tall hedges surrounding a large fountain.

“What do you want, General?”

Mattings did not seem at all taken aback by Chakotay's tone. “A favor.”

“I might not be the best person to ask.”

“No, I think you are exactly the right person.”

“What favor?”

“I'd like you turn over the bodies that were taken by Emem, Tirrit, and Adaeze to us.”

Chakotay was both stunned and intrigued. “Why?”

“In the next few weeks, I'm going to lead a small fleet out of Confederacy space. We're going to seek out the Devore, the Vaadwaur, and the Turei. I'd like to be able to return the bodies of their dead to them.”

“Seriously?” Chakotay asked.

“Yes. Once that's done, we're going to attempt to find whatever is left of the
Kinara
. We could wait for them to return, but I think it's important
for us to demonstrate our willingness to make the effort. I've been asked by the presider to advise them that we are still open to negotiating for passage through our territory.”

This had always been the problem with Mattings. Once Chakotay was certain the man's odious qualities far outweighed his redeeming ones, he did something completely unexpected.

“It's a good idea,” Chakotay agreed. “But I'm surprised you're willing to risk it.”

“The risks don't concern me.”

“They should. The Devore, Vaadwaur and Turei aren't going to welcome you with open arms.”

“Maybe not. It'll take time for us to get to know one another. Hopefully, we'll find some common ground. If not, I know how to deal with them.”

“This is a big step for the Confederacy,” Chakotay noted. “Most of your exploratory missions in the past were intended to annex new territory.”

“More isn't necessarily better. Sometimes it's just more. Mister Kim pointed that out to me once. We don't need more territory. We need to secure what we have. Fighting to the death everyone who shows up is not the most effective way to accomplish that. I'm starting to think there might just be something to this notion of going in peace to seek out new worlds and new civilizations.”

“It's not for the faint of heart.”

“I never thought it was.”

Chakotay stopped and turned to face Mattings. “I'll pass along your request to Admiral Janeway. I'm sure she'll agree.”

Mattings began to study the top of his boots. “I decided the first time we met that you were a man whose respect was worth earning. I know there are issues on which you and I are going to have to agree to disagree. But I don't believe we are as different as you think.”

Chakotay paused. It bothered him to think that this might be true. But he couldn't deny it either.

“Had I been born here and inherited your cultural legacy, I might
have found myself on a path similar to yours. Early in my career, I left Starfleet. In exchange for cessation of hostilities, the Federation abandoned my people to an alien species, the Cardassians. I killed a lot of them and never lost a moment's sleep over it. Today, the Cardassians are on better terms with the Federation. I wouldn't be surprised if one day, I found myself serving beside them. It's easy to decide that everyone out there whose interests come into conflict with yours deserves death. It's far too easy to achieve this with the tools at our disposal. But no one will ever be able to kill their way to peace. Even the Borg couldn't do that.”

“Why didn't you kill Emem the moment you had the chance?”

“There were other options. His death didn't make Lieutenant Kim's life easier. All you did was give Emem exactly what he wanted.”

“He was a threat.”

“We don't act in the heat of the moment except in times of war or self-defense. We allow those trained to uphold our laws to mete out justice, and we accept their choices, even when they wound us deeply. It's not a perfect system. It's just the best one we've come up with so far.”

“We were in a state of war against the Seriareen the moment they took over
Voyager
.”

“Even then, General, the use of force must be a last resort.”

“You prefer to talk a man to death.”

“Never underestimate the power of words. Look what yours did when you spoke honestly to the Obihhax.”

“The Source.”

Chakotay smiled, shaking his head. “
Your
Source. My subspace-born hybrid life-form.”

Mattings chuckled and extended his hand to Chakotay. “Safe travels, Captain. I do hope our paths cross again one day.”

Chakotay accepted the general's hand, touched that Mattings had chosen to bid him farewell with a human gesture rather than a formal Leodt bow. “As do I.”

GALEN

Lieutenant Nancy Conlon remained in a coma five days after her resuscitation. She had been transferred to the
Galen,
where there were private rooms for long-term patients.

Lieutenant Kim had spent much of his off-duty hours by her bedside. Until she awoke, there was no way to determine the extent of the damage Xolani had done to her mind. That she was alive and stable was a good sign.

Each evening when he entered, Kim brought a bouquet of flowers. The first four days he had settled for replicated roses. Once
Demeter
had rejoined the fleet, Kim had asked Lieutenant Url if there were any fresh flowers on board and he had sent over a huge bunch of white, pink, lavender, and yellow blooms that resembled wildflowers.

Kim began his vigil by changing the water in the vase that sat by Conlon's bed and arranging his new botanical offering. The Doctor had suggested that as long as Kim was content to keep Conlon company he should speak or read aloud to her. The sound of his voice would stimulate neural activity and could help with her recovery. Kim had brought an assortment of novels on a padd, but tonight, as it had every night, it lay untouched on the table by her bed.

“So where were we?” Kim asked as he settled himself into a chair. When Kim had tried to select a book Conlon might want to hear, he'd been confronted by the reality that as deeply as he cared for Nancy, he didn't know what she'd enjoy. Kim had decided to tell her his story instead:
Harry Kim, the Early Years
.

“I think I'd just applied to the Academy,” Kim began, but trailed off as the pallor of Nancy's face struck his heart anew. “If I'd actually passed the entrance exam the first time, we would have been in the same class. I wonder if we would have become friends.”

He felt his throat tightening at the thought of roads not traveled and opted to change the subject.

“We'll be departing for New Talax first thing in the morning. I won't
be able to see you tomorrow night because we'll be in transit. But as soon as we arrive and get settled, I'll come over and check in. I hope Tom and Seven have sent word. The custody hearing must have ended by now. I can't imagine what's been keeping them.

“I don't know about you, but I'm ready to have Tom back on duty. I'm kind of surprised Chakotay let me resume my post after I attacked . . . I mean . . . the captain said he understood, that I was in shock. I wasn't myself.

“I didn't know how to tell him that I
was.
I knew exactly what I was doing, and if they hadn't pulled me off Emem, I would have killed him with my bare hands.”

Kim's voice was cold, calm, and flat. “The Seriareen didn't have to do this to get what they wanted. Even if they'd told us about the hax, we would have taken them there. Admiral Janeway would have helped them. We were stupid to trust them. We should have just shoved them all back into containment the minute Admiral Janeway was rescued. I'm starting to think that not every question needs an answer.

“And maybe if we had, Xolani wouldn't have . . .
you wouldn't have
 . . . I'm sorry, Nancy. This is all my fault.”

“No, it isn't,” a soft voice came over Kim's shoulder.

Kim turned, startled, and found Commander Torres standing in the doorway.

“Hi, B'Elanna.”

“I'm sorry to interrupt. I promised Miral I'd bring this over tonight.”

Kim watched as Torres added a new drawing to those that lined the wall at eye level. The newest was an abstraction: large beige and brown spheres interspersed with small, bright red ones.

“Every morning she asks me if she can see Nancy, and when I tell her no, she makes another ‘well' drawing,” Torres said.

Kim smiled faintly as he saw the large capital letters running along the bottom of the drawing:
HOT FUDGE SINDAY
. “Her printing is coming along,” Kim noted, “but her spelling needs some work.”

Torres
smiled bleakly as she turned to face Kim over Conlon's still body.

“This isn't your fault,” she said again, crossing her arms over her chest.

Kim sighed. “If I'd never suggested to Chakotay that we try and answer that old distress call, we'd never have found the protectors or the Confederacy. Lsia might have found the hax on her own and we'd never—”

“It's mine,” Torres interrupted.

“Huh?”

“I've spent the last few days scrutinizing our reports and logs.”

“Why?”

“I was looking for the first indication we missed that Xolani had entered
Voyager
's systems.”

“We've already been over this, B'Elanna. The first power surges that indicated the transfer of Xolani from the shuttle were all within tolerable limits. There were too many systems damaged on that shuttle to pinpoint anything in our diagnostics, and the surges were too random to set off any red flags.”

“You're right. We couldn't have reasonably been expected to find him then.”

“And the same is true about his movements. Until he attacked the Doctor's program and the other holograms, there was no reason to suspect anything. Granted, we might have dug a little deeper into the holographic malfunctions when we found them, but there was the admiral's capture and the destruction of our deflector dish. It was only after we backtracked the progression of the surges that we discovered Xolani.”

“I've been distracted a lot longer than that,” Torres admitted.

“Come on, B'Elanna. You didn't miss anything.”

“Yes, I did.”

“What?”

“Stardate 58672.2.”

“That was months ago,” Kim said, “right around the time of the memorial service at New Talax.”

“The
last few weeks of my first trimester I came down with the worst morning sickness. I lived in my 'fresher. About the same time, I started to obsess about our quarters. I couldn't figure out how we would find room for the new baby.”

“I didn't know that.”

“I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't at my best. I didn't want anyone to think I was somehow less capable because I was having a rough pregnancy. I drove Tom crazy, but he kept it quiet.”

“That's understandable.”

“It's unforgivable,” Torres said. “I'm the chief engineer of this fleet. It's my responsibility to catch the problems less experienced officers miss, to make sure everyone is doing their job properly. I wasn't capable of that at the time but my pride and my fears about the new baby prevented me from telling anyone.”

“So what happened on Stardate 586 . . . what was it?

“58672.2. You logged an error in your personal archive. The system was retrieving data randomly rather than in order by stardate. It was a minor corruption. You fixed it yourself, but you still reported it.”

Kim thought back. “I remember that. Tom came to me early that morning and told me Chakotay wanted to find a mission for us with the potential for significant discovery. I pulled up my logs and saw the anomaly. The logs were out of order. I figured it was just a glitch.”

“It wasn't.”

“When I began my search, my personal log about Kes's birthday was displayed at the top of the list, which was weird. I got a little nostalgic. After I reread the entry, I remembered the wave form communication. I hadn't thought of it in ages. Almost every search I did after that included references to our first contact with that wave form. That's what prompted me to pull the original data file out of my archive.”

“And to suggest to Chakotay that we investigate the wave form's distress call.”

“After the captain approved the mission, I thought maybe it was a sign,” Kim said.

“Xolani
spent an inordinate amount of time in your personal database. He had accessed several others by then, but yours was the only one he corrupted because it was the only one he came across that referenced our contact with the first wave form.
He
reordered the display.
He
reminded you of that contact.
He
wanted us out here and did everything short of taking possession of your body to get us here,” Torres said.

Kim's stomach lurched and his mouth was suddenly filled with a sour, metallic taste.

“I saw your error report later that day. Protocol demanded that I follow up on it, even though you had already made the appropriate repair. I didn't because I was too tired to think straight. It was all I could do to keep my head up and what little I could eat down. If I had done my job properly, I would have found the power surge that accompanied the corruption Xolani created when he reordered your logs. Force of habit would have sent me searching for other similar corruptions, and I would have tracked it back to the shuttle. I'm not saying I would have connected all of the dots, but I would have known what to look for going forward. I would have found him long before he attacked the Doctor and Nancy.”

“If he had realized you were tracking him, he might have taken you instead of Nancy,” Kim realized.