Attack of the Mutant Underwear (11 page)

“Waffles?” I said. “For dinner?” I love waffles. They're up there with chocolate chip cookies and pizza on my favorite foods list.

“It's not a waffle,” MC explained, “it's a volcano.” She poked her thumb into the summit of Mount Sugar, then poured syrup into the crater. “Look, it's erupting!” she said as the syrup oozed down the side.

Of course I ignored her, because she's my little sister, but, more important, because at that very moment Mom was putting two fresh waffles on a plate for
me.

“Waffles?” I said again. “For dinner?”

Mom smiled and said, “It's your birthday. We thought you'd enjoy a special treat, especially after being grounded. Would you like whipped cream on them?”

“Whipped cream?” I said as she spooned on a mound. “For dinner?”

“How about some strawberries, too?” Dad said. He plopped a big spoonful into the whipped cream.

“And of course maple syrup!” Mom said as she poured a river of the lovely stuff over everything.

I stared, bug-eyed. They'd turned my regular old waffle (which I really like) into a Belgian waffle (which I really, REALLY like). And for dinner! This ranked
above
chocolate chip cookies and pizza on my favorite foods list!

“Oh, and then there's this,” Dad said, and laid a hundred-dollar bill in front of me. Yep, one hundred dollars, as in more money than I'd ever had in my entire life. Wow!

Then he added a hundred dollars more.

“Happy birthday, Cody!” Mom and Dad both said, and gave me a double hug.

So the riddle is this: What's wrong with this picture? Yes, what's
wrong
with it?

Any ideas?

C'mon, think, think, think!

Okay then, I'll tell you. What's wrong with the picture is that the waffle was made of Styrofoam. And the “whipped cream” was actually shaving cream. And those strawberries Dad was so generous with were made of plastic. And that maple syrup was motor oil. And those one-hundred-dollar bills were fake!

“April fool!” my family shouted.

They'd gotten me again. It's the curse of being born on April first.

“Not bad,” I admitted, “but no more tricks, okay?”

“No more,” everybody said, “we promise.”

Right. I could see them crossing their fingers behind their backs. So it didn't surprise me that after our dinner of real waffles, with real whipped cream and strawberries and syrup, Mom brought out cooked cauliflower (my least favorite food ever), then teased me that I had to eat it before I could have any of my birthday cake.

When they finally brought the cake to the table, I was ready for anything: more shaving cream, plastic sherbert on the side. Well, almost anything, except a birthday cake made to look like a kitty litter box.

That's right, a kitty litter box, complete with crumbled white cookies to look like the litter, and Tootsie Rolls to look like … well, you get the idea. The joking and pranks went on and on and on. I finally gave up and got into it. Funny thing, as soon as I did, I felt better, and better, until I felt great. We had a grape fight at the dinner table, catapulting them with spoons. (MC started it.) Outside MC and I glued a quarter to the sidewalk, then hid in the bushes and watched people try to pick it up. (Our own little April Fools' trick.)

But the best part was the present from Mom and Dad and my grandpa Irving in Kentucky—a Littermaid Self-cleaning Deluxe Kitty Litter Box! Just like on the Internet. They'd gone in together to give it to me. “In the interest of world peace,” Dad said.

So anyway, a day that started out looking uglier than ugly turned into a ten!

Monday, April 2

Amy asked Tyler twenty thousand questions about Ralphster's spring break, then kissed him (Ralphster, not Tyler) on top of the head. Zach said, “Blggh!”

I agree.

Tuesday, April 3

To celebrate being back from spring break, Jordy stuck peas up his nose at lunch and blew them into his mashed potatoes.

MC thought this was very funny, until Jordy sucked in by accident and the pea got stuck way back in his nose. He panicked and started digging in there with his little finger, then hacking and making gagging sounds. I thought someone was going to have to do that first aid thing, the Hemlock method or whatever it's called. But all of a sudden Jordy coughed really loud and got this big smile on his face. He opened his mouth. There was the pea on his tongue.

MC clapped and clapped like this was the work of a comic genius. Nope. Just the work of a bozo.

Sunday, April 8

Flipped back to page one of this journal and read what I'd written in September, all that stuff about me becoming a superstar and all that.

Ha! Who did I think I was kidding? Myself, I guess.

No more, though. That kind of talk is for silly kid dreamers. Good thing I've grown up, and am writing like a REAL New Me.

Title idea:
The REAL New Me Journal of Cody Lee Carson.

Thursday, April 12

Zach picked me to be on his and Tyler's soccer team during recess. “Cody's fast,” Zach said. Which was cool.

Emerson wanted to be on our team, too, but Zach said, “No, you'll just get in the way.” Which was right.

Still, it felt weird to see Emerson go slouching away.

Friday, April 13

Dreamed Ms. B stood in front of the class and said, “Did someone lose these?” She was holding up a pair of underwear.
My
underwear, and they were alive, wriggling in her hand, calling out, “Cody! Cody!” Everybody started laughing and I screamed, “No!” and woke myself up.

After an Old Me dream like that, not to mention that it was Friday the thirteenth again, I decided to play it safe and stay home. I told Mom I was feeling sick. She bought it without any argument. Which I thought was kind of strange. Until I realized that was because she was feeling sick. Turns out she had the twenty-four-hour flu. Which she was kind enough to share with me. Which just goes to show you: bad luck travels.

Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward life and skip over the Old Me parts.

Monday, April 16

Ms. B announced today that we'll be having a science fair.

“Science fair?” Zach said, a little too loud, and a little too smart-alecky. Ms. B eyed him for a few seconds, and I thought, Uh-oh, she's going to let him have it.

But she didn't. She took a deep breath like you see teachers do, and then gave us a little handout thingy that explains what we're supposed to do. This is it:

Science Project Procedure

(A) Come up with a scientific question. (For example: How much light is best for spinach plants?)

(B) Devise an experiment to answer the question. (Divide spinach sprouts into groups and place in varying lights, from none to full sun. Observe their growth rates and record data.)

(C) Present your findings. (Display plants, along with an explanation of your experiment and what you concluded.)

Ms. B said, “Of course you'll be more creative than my example! Go wild! Have fun!”

Zach rolled his eyes, then acted like he was dialing a phone. “Hello?” he whispered. “Earth to Ms. B. The fact that we now have even more schoolwork than ever is
not
fun.”

Ain't that the truth.

Ms. B says the science fair will be on Friday, June first. Oh, joy. Can't wait.

Friday, April 20

Tonight MC pulled some lint from her belly button and said, “How did
that
get in there?”

Which I figured to be one of the great scientific questions of all time. And would make a great project for the science fair!

To really do it right, though, first I'd have to give some background information: Why we have a belly button, who has one and who doesn't, and I'd use lots of fancy medical terms, like innie and outie. Next I'd go into “Fun Things You Can Do with Your Belly Button,” like decorating it, or how to convert it into a secret compartment, or make cool noises with it, or how to belly dance (maybe). And of course I'd have to include “Care of Your Belly Button,” which would be full of useful tips on daily maintenance, travel with your belly button, sand and lint removal (that's for MC), climate control, and meeting its social needs.

Then,
after really grabbing everybody's interest, I'd hit them with not only the scientific question of belly button lint, but also:

Why do we have only one belly button?

What if we had none?

What do belly buttons do when we're asleep?

Do belly buttons communicate with one another?

Do belly buttons ever eat homework?

I'd have an experiment for each scientific question, and even though Ms. B might roll her eyes and shake her head and think I was being silly, Tyler and Zach might think it was cool.

So maybe I'll do that.

Then again, maybe I won't.

Saturday, April 21

Jordy came over today. (Surprise! Surprise!) He and MC went to the park, where they caught seven tadpoles in the creek. Mom let them make an aquarium out of an old plastic bucket. The tadpoles seemed to like it. They swam around a lot.

After lunch Mom took MC and Jordy to her library and they checked out a book on raising tadpoles. The book says that tadpoles eat algae in the wild, but in captivity you can just boil up some spinach and feed them that.

“Spinach?”
MC said, and started making gagging sounds. Jordy fell on the floor and acted like he was dying of bug spray. They both put clothespins on their noses and made lots of faces when they were boiling the spinach. It was fun to watch them suffer.

Here's the best part, though: MC and Jordy were so into those tadpoles that they sat around the rest of the afternoon watching them and didn't bother me at all!

Ah, peace and quiet … so I could play my CDs REALLY LOUD!

Tuesday, April 24

Ms. B reminded us that we should definitely be getting going with our science fair projects if we haven't already. She started asking who was doing what, and lots of kids were raising their hands and bragging—Emerson, Amy, Libby, Tyler. Ms. B was working her way around the class, and I could see she'd be asking me soon. It was one of those think-fast-or-die moments, and I was getting panicky, when suddenly I had this great idea. My scientific question would be: What is the best way to burp?

Think about it. Some people are definitely better burpers than others. Zach, for example. He can really blast 'em. He claims it's all in the throat, but I think there may be other secrets. I'd come up with an experiment, and have my subjects drink Coke and then burp (my favorite technique), and then try water (not enough fizz?), and then try burping while bending over, or standing on their heads.

I could experiment with location, too. They could burp in the school bathroom (better echo in there?), the cafeteria, the hall, in the back of the bus. Then I could present my findings at the science fair with an all-school burp-off. Yeah! That would be so cool! Tyler and Zach would be bound to laugh at that!

But just as Ms. B was looking my way, the lunch bell rang, so I didn't get to share my great science fair project idea.

Wednesday, April 25

If you look closely, you can see that some of MC and Jordy's tadpoles are growing back legs. Emma was interested in seeing, but MC said, “Don't even
think
about it!” and put her out in the hall. Emma looked up at me and said, “Meow.” I'm not much at Catlish, but I'm pretty sure that meant “Me want to eat tadpoles NOW!”

Thursday, April 26

Zach and Tyler got into an argument today, so Zach picked me to be his partner in science lab. Turns out we're really good together. We were the only team in the class that got all the answers right!

So there, Ms. B.

Friday, April 27

Our PE teacher, Mrs. Radicci (we call her Mrs. Radish), said we're going to start square dancing next week. Zach groaned. So did I.

Mrs. Radish said, “I know it may sound odd to some of you, but there are those who actually
want
to dance.”

Zach and I rolled our eyes. Who in their right mind would want to do that?

Saturday, April 28

Tried burping while standing on my head and almost threw up. Think maybe I'll find another science fair project.

MC said she and Jordy have adopted the tadpoles, so now they are official members of the family. I said, “Just like we found you in the creek and adopted you!”

She said, “Ha, ha, very funny.”

Anyway, she and Jordy have named the seven tadpoles after the seven dwarfs in
Snow White.
So now we have Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Doc, and Bashful. I took pictures of them with Dad's new camera. We printed them out, so MC and Jordy tacked up the pics on MC's wall.

Monday, April 30

Girls, in case you didn't know, are crazy. Square dancing started today, and turns out they ALL like it. Plus—get this—Emerson said he likes it, too.

Maybe Zach is right. Maybe Emerson really is a complete and total dweeb.

Mrs. Radish assigned partners, and I had to dance with Libby. Libby groaned, so I groaned back even louder. Mrs. Radish told me to be quiet or she was going to send me to the office. She didn't say a word to Libby. Which just goes to show you: men get discriminated against, too!

Anyway, to make things worse, Libby and I had to hold hands. I would rather have grabbed onto a giant slug. But Mrs. Radish looked right at me, so I took Libby's hand. I thought it would be slimy and cold. It was smooth and warm, but weird anyway.

Tuesday, May 1

Ms. B says the chocolate bar sale didn't earn enough money for the Incredible-Fantastic-End-of-the-Year Camp-Out. The campground costs more than she thought it would, and the tour of the fish hatchery, and the natural history museum, too. Plus gas money for the parents who drive. And then there's food. “It takes lots of bucks to feed all of you.”

Zach leaned over to me and whispered, “Yeah, especially to feed fat boy Emerson.”