Audrey Hepburn: An Intimate Portrait (31 page)

A
day later, she fell ill while knitting a pair of booties and two hours later,
miscarried her baby. She was at the beginning of her third trimester. She
backed out of the movie, Hitchcock decided to cancel rather than recast, and he
never forgave her. It was yet another example of Hitchcock’s heavy-handed
treatment of his stars, especially the leading actresses of his movies. He was
notorious for mentally tormenting them.

“All
the emotional strides I thought I’d made, all the growth and the lifting of the
depression, were gone the moment the doctor told me I’d lost another
baby,” Audrey said. “I was angry. I blamed God. I blamed myself. I
blamed John Huston. I blamed Mel for not protecting me. I was one bundle of
anger and recriminations. I felt like hell. I looked like hell. And I didn’t
care.”

She
began smoking two to three packs of cigarettes a day, and again refused to eat.
Her mother was flown in from London to try to persuade Audrey to try to get
well, but even the Baroness had no influence this time. Despite their dislike
for one another, Audrey’s mother and her husband joined forces and considered
committing her to a mental institution, but neither one could actually bear the
thought. It became too emotionally draining for the Baroness when she realized
she could do nothing to improve Audrey’s spirits, so after three weeks, she
left.

Of
course, Ferrer did his best to keep his wife’s condition a secret, and living
in Switzerland, he was able to keep a lid on the rumors. But Audrey was unable
to return to work, and there were whispers in Hollywood that she was gravely
ill with a mysterious disease she had picked up in Mexico. In truth, she was gravely
ill with depression, and was forced to turn down a whole raft of movie offers.
She passed on
Cleopatra,
the movie
that gave Elizabeth Taylor a $1 million contract as well as another chance at
love, this time with Richard Burton. She declined Otto Preminger’s
The Cardinal (the role eventually going
to Carol Lynley) and, more significantly,
West
Side Story
(the Maria character, which went to Natalie Wood). She also
passed on
A Taste of Honey
(Rita
Tushingham),
In the Cool of the Day
(Jane
Fonda), and
Hawaii
(Julie Andrews).

“My
heart was broken and so was Mel’s,” she said about that bleak time.
“For months, we didn’t talk much. But he took complete care of me. Keeping
so busy, I’m sure, helped him get better. And just seeing him more chipper
lifted my spirits.”

In
early summer of 1959, just seven months after her miscarriage, Audrey became
pregnant again. “I told no one except for Mel,” she said. “I
tried not to even think of it myself. I was afraid I was somehow a jinx. I made
pacts with God. I made wild promises that I knew I could never keep. But I
would have done anything at all to insure this baby’s well-being, and for
several months, I refused to get out of bed at all.”

She
did accompany Ferrer to Italy and France, where he costarred in two supernatural
thrillers—
Blood and Roses
and
The Hands of Orlac—but she rarely left
her hotel rooms, preferring instead to sit quietly and wait.

When
she returned to Burgenstock, her doctor advised her to go for long walks to
help strengthen the muscles she had so severely injured on the set of
The Unforgiven. Both her personal
physician and her obstetrician were concerned that she was too weak and too
small for an easy delivery.

“Once
I was told I had to have some exercise,” Audrey recalled, “I reveled
in it. The air felt great. It truly lifted my spirits. Anytime one of my black
moods starts to descend, I try to remember how much exercise helps.” She
also surrounded herself with children, hoping their laughter could be heard by
her baby.

On
January 17, 1960, at Lucerne’s Municipal Maternity Clinic, Audrey gave birth to
a 9 1/2-pound baby boy. The labor was arduous, but Audrey maintains she really
didn’t feel the pain.

“I
was so excited by the occasion, the miracle of giving birth, that everything
that was going on felt right. I remember hearing a lot of clapping—I
discovered later there was a tremendous storm going on while I was in the
delivery room—and I just felt the world was applauding my efforts. It felt
better than any performance I’d ever given. It
was
better. I had waited my whole life for the moment of giving
birth, and it finally happened. I’m sure it’s great when you’re eighteen, but I
was thirty and the long wait made it that much sweeter.”

As
obsessed as Audrey had been with Ferrer when she first married him, she became
equally possessed by her son, not leaving his side once during his first three
months. In light of her celebrity, she was tremendously worried about the
safety of the baby and particularly concerned about kidnapping.

The
christening of Sean Ferrer (his name means “gift of God”) took place
in the same church where his parents were married.

His
godparents were Audrey’s half brother Jan, who had recently taken a job as an
executive with Shell Oil in Southeast Asia, and Ferrer’s sister Terry. After
the service, Terry expressed some odd concerns to Henry Taylor, Jr., the
American ambassador to Switzerland and one of the few guests outside of family
members at the service.

“Audrey
talked about how she was trying to include her dog Famous in the activities
surrounding the new baby. She didn’t want him to feel left out. But there was
no mention of her husband.”

Their
marriage had suffered irreparable damage due to Audrey’s recurrent depression
over her miscarriages. Sadly, by the time their first child was born, they were
both secretly considering divorce.

Neither
mother nor father did much else but gawk at Sean during the first six months of
his life. Audrey and Ferrer had waited so long for the birth of their baby—six
years—that their enthusiasm was fully understood and accepted. But they were
practical people, too. Audrey wanted to get back to work to earn some money.

“On
the surface, Mel kept saying it would be a good idea to do a movie to give the
baby a little breathing space, but I think he was worried about finances, too.
My earning power was higher than his at that time, and I think it hurt his
pride tremendously. That was one area that we never discussed. But when the
script for
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
was
floated by, Mel was very enthusiastic.”