You were right,' she sighed, 'my damned Claudian pride has kept us apart; but I was right too to revolt. Nothing can ever repair the wound made by your sacrilege. We may be joined together again - oh we are, my love - but it can never be as it was. You can no longer be a favourite of all the Gods, and there is a curse on our marriage.'
'Don't, don't,' and I tried to silence her with kisses.
'No,' she said, when we had kissed long and then drifted into, and beyond, a second and tender love-making, 'it is different now, because I accept it as you have accepted what I feared you might reject or throw away. I love you, I have always loved you even while I hated you.'
'Livia, I shall love you, and no other woman like you, till I die. If I have seemed callous or indifferent, it was because I feared I had killed your love . . .'
'My love,' she murmured, 'is not a slave to die at an angry word.'
'Let us always live mindful of what we are to each other. I know how little I am when your love is withdrawn . . .' And this time it was Livia who reached her lips towards mine.
Writing that passage I relive its warmth, the sense of relief and comfort which we both felt. I warm myself at the knowledge that in that hour we approached the full flower of human felicity, creating something that the rigours, disappointments, quarrels and, yes, bitterness, of future years could never destroy. We attained then, while the stunned Senate resumed debate, that communion of souls which Plato holds out as the expression of perfect love, and which he considers unattainable in this life. Since that hour, I have known that it can be attained, and, though it is denied to our natures to remain in that condition, once attained is never utterly lost. There is a Greek word, ecstasy, often loosely used; it describes precisely what I knew as I lay with Livia in my arms, and the afternoon died to a winter evening, and I waited for the news I was sure would come.
'They were like sheep deprived of the shepherd and his guard-dogs, and aware of wolves lurking in the woods. You never saw anything so funny, my dear.'
Maecenas drank wine and stretched himself on a couch.
'They positively fell over themselves to do you honour. As arranged, we let them feel the full effect, and then, just as one or two of the bolder spirits - Arruntius for example, seemed about to nerve themselves to accept your donation - old Plancus, that reliable traitor, got up, creaking with rheumatism, his face twisted with congenital dishonesty, and, yet, simply I suppose because he has such a long record of utterly selfish survival, carrying with him an air of authority. He spoke in praise of the Republic, as we had agreed, of the devotion you had shown the Republic, of how unspeakable it would be if anyone suggested that you had ever deviated from the ideals of the Republic - I thought that a bit rich but it got a big hand. You ought to be honoured, he said. Let your house be decked with laurels and let the civic crown be placed on your lintel. Well, no one could object to that. And as for your name - it was customary, he said, to reward those who had deserved well of the Republic with a new name. Pompey had been called "the Great". He proposed that you should be named "Augustus". No other name would so fully express their recognition of your religious veneration for the Republic. Yes, dear, I know you would have preferred "Romulus", but it is a king's name, and Plancus agreed with me that it might, just might, be taken amiss. You content yourself with Augustus, it's a lovely name, with all the right associations. Apparently - which I didn't know - it does link you with Romulus, because he was called "the most august of augurs". Well, this proposal too was carried by acclamation. Then he got down to the heavy stuff, and I must say, you can say what you like about his dreadful character, but he really did it very well. The problem was, he said, that the Senate could not accept your resignation . . .' 'Did nobody cry "why not"?'
'Yes, but only Gaius Rufius, who's practically half-witted - I can't think how he escaped your purge by the way . . . Plancus quelled him with a frown. What they had to do, he said, was work out a scheme which would preserve what you had regained for us all. He knew you were eager that the Senate should resume its old authority, and he welcomed that. Nevertheless, everyone knew how the Republic had been imperilled by the Dynasts. He therefore proposed that you should be given proconsular authority in all frontier provinces where there was a military establishment, and that the Senate should exercise its pristine authority in all others.'
'Did he actually mention "military establishment"?'
'He did.'
'And no one objected? No one saw the significance?'
'If anyone did, he kept it to himself. No, my boy, we've done it. I don't know what you call this new republic we've established - dyarchy doesn't sound a bad word to me, even though it is Greek . . .'
So, in this way, I established a framework within which the business of government could be performed. Its success is easily measured. One has only to consider the contrast between the previous four decades, and the four which followed. I had contrived that the nobility should be satisfied by the show of power and the honour of consulships, while only those loyal to me found themselves with military commands. Even then, I early resolved that it was best, as far as possible, to keep these in the family. That was why I had arranged that Agrippa should divorce his first wife, Atticus' daughter (which marriage had made him enviably rich) and marry my niece, Marcella. Agrippa was bound to me in friendship, but I thought it desirable he should also become Marcellus' brother-in-law.
It is one of the curiosities of our nature that we no sooner have established something than anxiety breaks in. What would happen to the State, men wondered, should I die? I wondered myself, and worried, but, before I can explore this question, it is time to talk of family matters.
Our lack of children of our own was a grief to which I had become inured. Julia, however, was growing up to delight me, though Livia still had much to complain of in her behaviour. 'She won't leave Tiberius alone,' she said, 'it's not decent. You spoil her, of course, and you don't see that she's becoming the most arrant flirt.' But I could refuse my daughter nothing. Though she was thirteen now, and almost a woman, she would still clamber on to my knee, and kiss me all over my face. I couldn't believe that this imp of delight wa
s the daughter of the frightful
Scribonia. Incidentally Scribonia bombarded me with letters asking that Julia should be allowed to come to visit her; naturally that was impossible. For one thing Scribonia was now living openly with a middle-aged Spaniard who had been successively a centurion, tax-collector and (my agents informed me) the keeper of a brothel. I told Scribonia precisely why I could not allow Julia to visit her, and added that she (Scribonia) was lucky not to be prosecuted for public indecency. 'Moreover,' I said, 'my memory of your conversation is such that I would never willingly expose any young girl to it, particularly not my own daughter. You have only yourself, Scribonia, to blame for the sordid mess you have made of your life, but I'm certainly not going to allow you to soil my daughter. What's more, since I am writing to you, I shall take this occasion which is not likely to recur to point out to you that times and manners are changing. I would advise you to be more circumspect in your debauchery.'
'What an appalling woman Scribonia is,' I said to Octavia when I told her about this.
'Yes indeed,' she said, 'I only hope dear Julia hasn't inherited any of her tendencies.'
'Julia,' I said, 'may be a little wild and light-headed, but she is good-hearted.'
That autumn I visited Gaul, taking Marcellus and Tiberius with me, that they might learn something of the business of government. I am too weary to write at length now of the details of my administration and my never-ending task of maintaining order throughout the vast Empire. . . Like all political work it is never done. 'The business of government,' I told the boys, 'is service. Attend to detail. Forget yourself. The only satisfaction is the work itself. The only reward, the ability to continue the work. It is our task to bring law and civilization to the barbarians. The true heroes of our Empire are the countless administrators whom history will never know. Remember you are only as effective as your subordinates, for in the nature of things, much must be delegated to them. Choose your men carefully therefore.' Whenever we talked of these matters, Tiberius was silent. At first I thought him bored or indifferent. Marcellus on the other hand was full of questions and suggestions.
One night, in Gaul, he said: 'Caesar invaded the island of Britain, didn't he?'
'You know he did. You have read his memoirs, haven't you?'
'Not much of them, to tell the truth, nuncle, he's a plaguey dull writer.'
Tiberius was nibbling at a radish. 'He's very lucid,' he said, 'and the descriptions of battles ring true enough. Except for one thing. He's always got to be the hero himself. Was he really like that, sir?'
'Yes but,' Marcellus interrupted before I could answer, 'I like the sound of this island Britain. There are pearls there, they say, and the warriors paint themselves blue. Why don't we carry on Caesar's work, and conquer it?'
'What do you say, Tiberius?'
Tiberius blushed, and began to stammer, 'I don't know, sir, it sometimes seems to me that we have perhaps a big enough Empire as it is. Wouldn't we be best to consolidate before we bite off any more?'
'You really are an old woman,' Marcellus said.
I respected Tiberius' caution, and agreed with him. Yet my heart went out to Marcellus. Youth should be ardent, as his was. Tiberius, perhaps because I was unable to disguise my preference, withdrew more and more into himself. Yet I also said, 'Caesar was an adventurer. The conquest of Britain would be worthless, for the island is perpetually wreathed in fog, and I have grave doubts about the value of the pearl fisheries . . .'
'But it would be an adventure, nuncle . . .'
Letter from my sister Octavia:
It's curious, brother, that we now seem to find it easier to communicate in writing, when we are at a distance, than when we meet. I think I know why. The shadow of Antony falls between us. You can never meet me without thinking of Antony and the wrong you did me by forcing me to marry him. I don't of course entirely regret it. It is something after all to have been the wife of a man like Antony, vile and pathetic though he was in so many ways, degraded as he became. Moreover, I have my daughters, the two Antonias, and they are the delight and comfort of my life now that my children by my first marriage have left home.
Which brings me to the matter of your letter, and the suggestion you make that Marcellus should marry your daughter Julia. My first reaction, I must tell you, was This will never do.' I have to admit that the cause for this response was of course Livia. I said to myself, 'Livia will be furious.' I don't pretend of course, as a mere woman, to understand precisely what sort of constitution you have established, or how you hope it will develop, but it's obvious enough even to me that if Marcellus marries Julia he will become in some measure your heir, and I have no doubt that Livia would like to see Tiberius or her younger son Drusus in that position. I don't want Marcellus to be the cause of a rift in your marriage. Do you understand me?
Then there are other points. For one thing, Marcellus is very young. I don't mean just in years, but in attitude. I'm afraid I blame you partly for that, brother, because there's no doubt you have spoiled and indulged him. He's never had to struggle for anything. You've handed it to him on a silver plate. I'm afraid that's not really good for the character. I know you've done it for the best of reasons, because you love him and also perhaps because you feel that in some way, by moulding my life, you have deprived him of a father. Then of course you've no son of your own, though I do think you should accept that and regard Tiberius and Drusus as your sons. What worries me though is that marriage to Julia might go to his dizzy if beautiful head.
And again, what about my son-in-law Agrippa? (Oh it's ridiculous to have a son-in-law older than myself.) But what will he have to say about this marriage? Won't he see it as being in some way a threat to his position as your right-hand man? I know I'm lost in these matters but I can't help thinking this way.
Aren't you perhaps getting into the way of thinking you can manipulate people's lives? Simply to suit your own purposes?
I hope you are looking after your health. You know how fragile it is. I am well except for a few aches. Give my love to the boys. Don't let Marcellus tease Tiberius as he is inclined to do. You are always likely to be on Marcellus' side because you love him and don't love Tiberius. All the more reason to incline to Tiberius, and try, try not to spoil Marcellus. See that he sometimes has to do things he doesn't want to do. It is good for him.
Even Octavia, I thought then, doesn't understand me.
Letter from Livia:
I don't think I can stand any more. I suggest you divorce me. If women were allowed to initiate divorce I should do so. How would you like that? Not at all, I should say. But only such an action might penetrate your conceit.