Aurator, The (18 page)

I saw him turn away, get up, and move toward the kitchen. Mom and I finished plans to have the girls stay overnight soon, and then she handed me a large bag with French writing on it. Presents for the girls.

I gave my mom a huge hug, told her I loved her and went to say my good-bye to my dad. I walked into the kitchen and saw him standing against the sink as if looking for something in the drain would help him make sense of his daughter.

“Dad?”

He wouldn’t turn toward me, “Yes honey?”

“Um, I’m leaving… I love you.”

I saw him take a breath and turn slowly toward me. His face was crowded with worry lines and his eyes dark with sadness. “Any…” his voice cracked, “any time you want to talk… you know… about anything… I… just let me know.”

My face softened. “I know, Dad.” My heart ached. My omissions were hurting him. But my real questions might hurt him even more. I stretched up onto my tiptoes and kissed my dad on his cheek, then whispered, “I love you.”

He smiled at me then gave me a big hug. “Back at you.”

I smiled. I tried to read his face but all I saw was a tangle of emotions running through the lines. My smile disappeared as he raised his hand to my face. “
She knows
 . . .
no she can’t
 . . .”

My stomach dropped. How could he have guessed that? I heard him but his lips didn’t move.
I do know,
I wanted to shout. But even more, I wondered how I could have heard him. I thought that was only for Aurators. My head lowered. Maybe now was the time to ask him. Then I heard him thinking, “
Maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe I wasn’t a good dad.
”

Tears filled my eyes. “Dad?”

“Yes, my darling daughter.”

“You’re the best. The best dad I could have ever hoped for. Thank you… for everything.”

He hesitated for a moment as if waiting for something, “Of course… what else could I do… I… well…”

I hugged him. “I love you, Dad.” And he hugged me back with such an intensity that I knew no other words needed to be spoken.

I said my good-bye and left. I sat in my car for a moment, absorbing what had happened. What did I accomplish? Did I hurt him even more?

“You did great Megan, I’m very proud of you.”

I smiled at the now familiar voice inside my head.
Thanks Nicholai.

“That’s Uncle Nicholai to you.”

Ha ha.

“You okay?” he continued.

Yeah, thanks.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Give me a call.”

Sounds good.

21. Complications
 

I was happy to go to work that night. I went along during my shift, checking on patients who had been there for hours and admitting many new ones. With the chaos of my newly acquired dysfunctional life, the comfort of the sick and dying at work was… well… I guess it shouldn’t be comforting, but it was.

“Megan?” My boss was standing behind me as I was charting a medication I had just given.

“Oh hey, Deloris. What’s up?”

“Can I talk with you for a moment?”

“Sure.” I followed her out into the hallway.

“Hey,” she started, “you okay lately?”

“Um, yeah. Why?” I know that my face showed my confusion. Had I made a mistake at work? Did I miss a shift?

“Well, you’ve missed a few days recently and… well… you never have before. Anything going on?”

I wanted to laugh hysterically at this question. Anything going on? Where do I start? I wanted to shout out,
Look sweetie, just be glad you’re not in my head
 . . .
it’s getting kind of crazy and crowded in here.

Instead I just replied, “Nope. All is good.”

“Well, I was just worried. You’ve worked here for several years with only a few sick calls and they were always related to your kids, so I guess I was just wondering if they were okay.”

Good opening, so I said, “Well, things are good. Abigail’s asthma has been acting up lately and you know how it’s always worse at night.” This was partially true. I just left out that it was only affecting her during P.E. at school.

Deloris’s face immediately relaxed. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, if there’s anything I can do let me know. You’re one of my best nurses. I was afraid you were thinking about leaving.”

I laughed, “I can’t imagine leaving here.”

She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze and turned to walk away. “Well, I can’t imagine this place without you either. Have a good shift.”

Shaking my head, I started walking down the hall toward my patients. I knew calling in sick was rather out of character for me. Luke usually stayed home with the girls since he had that natural ability to soothe them. I never minded. Anything so that my girls were better while I was at work. Being a self-diagnosed workaholic, I don’t tend to miss work very often, until recently that is.

I felt a sudden shock walking down the hall, and my stomach dropped. The feeling was almost painful, and I was hit by a wave of nausea. Moving felt slow and sluggish, and voices around me echoed in the halls in low tones. The hairs on the nape of my neck stood on end, sending a chill down my back. My vision blurred for a split second and then cleared only in the center, creating a tunnel effect. Shades of gray encircled a doorway at the end of the hall. I knew that I was walking toward the door but I could not feel the floor beneath my feet. For a split second I wondered if others around me were aware of my sudden behavior change, but patients and coworkers walked in and out of the grayness, coming in and out of focus, seemingly oblivious to me.

As I moved into the doorway I saw a single bed with a male patient who at first appeared to be peacefully sleeping. My breathing sped up. Something was wrong. I cautiously moved toward the bedside. Looking back and forth, I saw a young man, maybe in his twenties, healthy looking in every way. There was a white aura surrounding him but something was different. It was changing, shifting shape and then abruptly it began to fade away. I snapped out of my haze and realized that he was dying. I felt for a pulse and found it was very weak. I reached up to push the code button that would alert everyone to the situation but then hesitated. Instead I put my hands to his chest and started compressions. Pushing down and releasing his chest, I could almost feel a quivering below the skin. I tried to picture this sensation in my head… his heart? The object stopped quivering and began to move on its own, weakly at first but then stronger and stronger until I felt a regular pulse in his wrist.

His pulse continued after I moved my hand from his chest, and when a few moments had passed I pushed the code button. People rushed into the room, and I quickly explained that I found him unresponsive. We moved him into the appropriate room and another nurse took over. They saved him that night. The young man had an underlying heart condition that had never been identified, and while he had come to the hospital for what appeared to be simple flu symptoms, there clearly was much more going on.

A few people told me “good job” on the way out the door that night, but I must admit I was a little too preoccupied with what had happened to absorb the accolades.

I got to my car and lay my head back. “What am I doing?” I thought out loud as I pulled my phone out and dialed.

“Hello?”

“Max?”

“Hi Megan. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Nicholai called me and filled me in,” he said.

I had to admit I was a little relieved that I didn’t need to explain much. “I know I’m supposed to know what to do… and on some level I do… but… sometimes it’s just a bit much. Maybe it’s just happening too fast. I don’t feel ready.”

“You will Megan. Trust.”

I hung my head. Just then I heard a beep on my phone. It was Luke clicking in. “Max, I’m sorry but that’s Luke on the other line. Can I talk to you later?”

“Sure. I’ll talk with you later.”

I clicked the call waiting over. “Hi honey, what’s up?”

“Hey there, how was work?”

Hmmm, truth or not? Not yet at least. “It was okay, I’m actually in my car, just leaving now.”

“Okay, just wanted to know if you remembered that you’re going on the field trip with Abigail’s class today.” His tone was curt and he sounded a little off.

“Shit, I forgot. I’m on my way,” I replied

“Okay, I’ll have her ready for you.”

“Thanks.” I was just about to hang up when I decided to ask, “Hey honey?”

“Yup?” He still sounded curt.

I hesitated but then took a breath to speak. “Are you okay lately?”

He spoke almost before I could finish my question. “What? What are you trying to say?” His tone was gruff and accusatory.

His response caught me completely off guard, it was so unlike him. I didn’t know how to respond. “I… I just have noticed that you’ve been, well, a little short lately and wanted to know if maybe I had done something wrong?”

A half huff and chuckle broke through the line as he spoke, “Really? Why do you think everything is about you?”

I suddenly pictured him in my mind as tears welled up in my eyes. His aura had changed from golden to dark lately. Just now I was making the connection to what that might mean. Before I could say anything else he spoke again.

“Listen, I gotta go. Don’t forget about the field trip. Bye.” And he hung up.

It was another five minutes before I realized that the phone was still against my ear. What could I do? Did his dark aura mean the same as other’s auras? I put the phone down and shook my head. No, I said to myself. It’s not possible. He is one of the most gentle men I’ve ever met. I have to keep believing that.

Spending the day with my daughter should have been something that would allow me to let go of everything and enjoy, but my head was filled with so many thoughts: Luke, the upcoming fight, and questions about my role in it all. I decided to let go and ask for guidance, just as Max and Nicholai had suggested.
Please show me how I can be of service
, I thought. But I wasn’t sure who I was speaking to. I listened for a moment then laughed in relief when no one answered.

The San Francisco Zoo. I forgot that was the destination for the field trip. Thank goodness. It was a nice day in the city, a little overcast as we pulled into the parking lot. We stepped out and I smelled the exhaust from the school bus that we had been riding in. I smiled, remembering my days in the school band and going on trips to compete. I think I still have my flute somewhere. Then I felt a little sad that I could barely remember anyone from high school. “Absent” was the word that came to mind. Even though I had been present in body, my mind was never present at school. There was always somewhere else I would have rather been.

As the exhaust dispersed, the salty air from the beach across the street caressed my face and lit up my senses. I took a deep breath and grabbed Abigail’s hand. We divided into groups, so I was chaperoning Abigail and three other girls. Winding through the different exhibits, we made our way to the monkey cages. This was always my favorite exhibit.

As we stood there talking about the different monkeys, a sudden brush of cold hit me from behind and took my breath away. I turned just in time to catch a glimpse of darkness creeping around a corner. Another mother’s group was next to us, and I asked her to watch my girls for a moment while I went to the restroom. As I walked toward where the darkness had disappeared, I felt my muscles tense.

“Careful, Megan. Something’s not right here,” I heard a voice whisper.

I know Nicholai, let me concentrate.

My breathing was fast. I stopped at the corner and looked around before moving further. Then the presence I felt was gone. Just like that.

Nicholai, what happened?

“I don’t know. Did you see who it was?”

No.

Just then I heard a scream. I whipped around and realized the scream came from where I had left Abigail and the other girls. I broke into a run.

As I reached the monkey cages I saw the other mother shuffling the girls away from the cages.

“What happened?” I almost yelled, but no one answered. I moved through the group to where Abigail was, grabbed her hand and gathered up the other girls. Then I noticed others looking into the cage. Moving toward the cage while still holding on to Abigail, I saw a bloody figure lying twisted at the bottom. I turned toward another onlooker.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” a nearly frantic mother said. “One minute we were looking into the monkey cage and everything was fine, and the next moment there was a man lying at the bottom. The monkeys were all still in the top of the exhibit. I didn’t see him there at first, not until someone looked down. Oh God, it’s terrible!”

I looked back toward the body at the bottom of the cage and gasped as I saw it. A red aura faded in front of my eyes. I moved toward the fencing. “No!” I screamed in my head as the aura completely faded. Then my eyes swept to the left where red letters on the cement wall read, “YOU ARE NEXT.”

Nicholai?

“I saw it.”

Who could have done this?
There was a pause before his answer.

“Call me when you can.”

I steered Abigail and the other girls back with the group moving away from the cages. Abigail tried to ask me what had happened. I said that it was a grown-up problem and there was nothing to worry about.

Our group was in the front of the zoo waiting for the buses to return. Some of the children had seen the man and were crying. Others were confused and scared. The police were coming and going, and then a television crew arrived. The camera panned over the front and then attempted to move through the gates before the police stopped them.

Just then I heard a familiar voice, “Well, hello there. We need to stop meeting like this.”

I looked up to see Detective Charlene McGuire again. Ugh.

“Megan, right? You always seem to be where the excitement is, huh?” She looked at the kids around me, raised one eyebrow and walked away after tipping an imaginary hat my way.

“Have a nice day,” I tried to say as pleasantly as possible. Unsuccessful. I was thankful when the buses arrived and we all piled on. It seemed like a much longer trip back to school than it had been going to the zoo. When we finally arrived, the teachers tried to return some normalcy by announcing that students should go back to their classes for the rest of the day.

I was thankful. I knew that Abigail hadn’t seen anything and seemed happy as she skipped off for lunch. I pulled my phone out and dialed.

“Megan?”

“Hi, Max. I…”

“Can you come to my office now?”

I was caught off guard by this. “Yes, I, um, I’m on my way.”

Driving to Max’s work, I battled to make sense of what had happened. I felt a sharp stab in my chest and then anger as I realized that my daughter had been with me when this happened. What if something had happened to her? I hit the steering wheel out of anger and helplessness and sped up.