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“Hello,” he says, eyeing me up and down, and it feels different, getting this attention. He does look just like Trey, and it's annoying, but he's hot so whatever.

“Hello yourself,” I say with my best forward voice.

“You're Treena's friend, right?” he asks, smiling at me.

“Maude, yes. And you're Trey's friend.”

“Brad,” he laughs. “Can I get you a drink?” he asks, and bingo.

“Sure.” I smile.

“What are you drinking?”

“Whatever you're drinking,” I say, realizing that I have no idea what we've been drinking all night.

“Coming right up,” he says, turning back to the bar. I look back and Bennett's right behind me.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I'm having fun. What are
you
doing?” I ask him.

“Come on, let's go find the others and get out of here. I'm not going to just leave you by the bar.”

“Why? I'll be perfectly fine,” I say stoically.

“Maude, come on, I feel bad about what I said. Let's just go back, and—”

“Hey, I know you,” Brad says. “You're in my class, right?” He hands me a drink. Bennett looks at him, then back to me, then back to him again.

“Yeah,” he says. “Hey, Brad.”

“OH! You did that homework for Trey and me when we had that game. Dude, thank you. You saved my ass.”

I look at Bennett, and his ears redden. He does homework for Trey?

“It was just the one time,” he says to Brad, but I know he's saying it for my benefit.

“Whatever,” he says. “Hey, weren't you going to hook up with some chick tonight? I heard Trey saying something about that.”

Bennett shoots me a look and I feel it in my heart.
Then he looks at Brad. “Turns out that ‘chick' wasn't who I thought she was.”

I breathe in deep and glare at him. Brad is clearly oblivious to what's going on, since he adds, “So? Have fun, then get rid of her.”

“Fascinating suggestion,” Bennett says, glaring at me. “Don't you think, Maude?”

“Yep,” I say, staring right back at him.

“Am I missing something?” Brad asks, ever observant.

“No, Bennett was just leaving and he came to tell me. Bye, Bennett!”

“Maude, come on.”

“Bye, Bennett!” I say again, sweetly, and he glares at me before turning around to leave. My heart thumps in my chest as I turn back to Brad. “So.” I take a sip of the drink and get back to the buzz I had earlier, before it was crushed.

“So,” he says, moving in close, just as I did to Bennett earlier. I feel him hovering around me, feel his breath on my neck. “Tell me about yourself.”

“Not much to tell,” I say as I feel his hand on my waist. The touch wakes me up. His glassy eyes look down on me not like I'm some
one
, but more like I'm some
thing
. A prop. A goal for the night. I shrug his hand off my waist and step back.

“What?” he asks, grabbing my waist again and pulling me against him. Body on body. His hand is strong, and I try to break free, but I can't. I put my hand on his chest to push
back, but he takes it as an invitation, and starts brushing his lips against my collarbone. Images flash before my eyes of this happening, of what could happen next. And I think of Bennett, who would never have done something like this to me. And I'm mortified and scared as tears spring to my face. But my reflexes kick in, and when pushing against him doesn't work again, I bring my leg up and knee him as hard as I can.

“What the hell?” he gasps, grabbing his crotch. I run toward the bathroom, hear him yelling “bitch” behind me. When I get inside, I'm panting and crying. I look at the sinks and see Treena there, staring at herself in the mirror.

“Tree!” I yell. “I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid.” I run over to her, and when she turns around, she has tears in her eyes and black mascara lines running down her cheeks. “What? What happened?”

“Trey,” she hiccups. “I caught him kissing another girl.”

“Oh my god,” I say, hugging her. “Are you okay?”

“No! I shouldn't have come here,” she exclaims. “If I didn't come, I wouldn't have known, then we would have been okay.”

“Wait, what?” I ask, pulling away.

She shakes her head, but I make her talk. “I kind of thought he might have other girls, but I just . . . I didn't want to know if I was right . . .” she says.

“Why? WHY would that be okay?”

“Because look at him!” she nearly shouts, gesturing
toward the door. “I'm not dumb. All those lunches he had with girls? They weren't just friends.”

“Then why are you with him?”

“I'm not from his universe!” she says, flailing her arms around dramatically, and she's insanely overreacting. “I know there are other girls, but there's also me. He
chose
me, too. And I don't want to lose him.”

“Tree, that's ridiculous. You're so much better than him. If he's cheating, get rid of him. Find a guy who doesn't. Someone a million times better.”

“No!” she says. “I want Trey. He's so . . . he's so good to me. I mean, it's not just his looks. He's nice and sweet,” she sobs. “Like last night, he really was nice. He likes me. And I really like him. I don't want to lose him.”

I get that he's her first boyfriend, and I get that she's into him, but I'm worried about how hard she's falling. Especially for someone like this. I knew something was off about Trey, I knew it. “He's not worth it,” I say, trying to level with her. How can she see him as perfect, when he's clearly less than that? I thought he was crappy from the start, and I should have said something. “He's a shitty guy—why keep him around?”

“What do you know?” She turns on me. “You've never even had a boyfriend. You wouldn't know what it's like.”

I balk and stare at her. “What? Tree . . .”

“I knew you didn't like him from the start. You were jealous that I had someone and you didn't. So that's why you
went to Bennett, but you screwed that up, didn't you? I saw him out there pissed off.”

“Tree—”

“No, if you didn't bring me to this club, I wouldn't have known.”

“Me? You wanted to come! I wanted to stay at the carnival.” I look down at my outfit and realize there was a reason for the skirt all along. She was always planning on going wherever Trey was, no matter if I wanted to or not.

“Of course you did, because that's your life. Safe. You don't take any chances.”

“And what you're doing is so much better? Getting drunk every night just to please your awful boyfriend? Staying with a guy who doesn't want to be with just you? Why would I want to turn into that?”

“Because it's fun! I don't want to just go to carnivals and watch movies anymore. I want to stay out and party. I want to enjoy college. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm different. I don't
want
it to be like we were back then—I don't want to be that boring girl anymore.”

“Boring girl like me?” I ask. I look at her standing there screaming at me in the bathroom, and I don't recognize her. I don't recognize the Treena I used to know and love. This is not her. This is a warped twin who took over her body. And I have no idea what to do with it. “Treena,” I say, going closer to her. I won't give up on her. “
What
is all of this about? Talk to me.”

She shakes her head and hits her tiny fist against the sink. “I'm trying, I'm trying so hard,” she says.

“Trying what?”

“Everything! College! Fitting in! Do you think it's easy? It's terrifying. I'm just trying to be me, and I don't even know who I am. I just know I don't want to be that same girl who played it safe for her parents' sake back in high school.”

“What was so bad about her?”

She shakes her head. “You'll see next year. Being the quiet, smart girl isn't enough anymore. And I don't know how to balance that girl with the one I want to be now. I don't know how to be her anymore for you.”

“For me?” I ask. Did college change her so quickly? “You shouldn't have to be anyone for me.”

“Then, please, just let me be the crazy girl who's upset that her guy is with another girl.”

I look at her, and she's right. She's different, and she can't go back to the girl I remember, as much as I want her to. This is a new layer, a new version. So I shake my head and leave her to figure herself out right there. If we say anything more, we might regret it.

I open the door, and stumble right onto someone outside. “Oof,” I say, looking up at Bennett. Of course.

“What?” I ask, not in the mood for anything or anyone.

“Jesus, Maude, I'm just looking for Treena. I heard what happened, so I'm trying to get her so I can take her home. Don't worry, I'm not trying to take you away from
the fun you're so clearly having.”

I look at him, and I want to cry for everything that happened, and everything that didn't. But the room starts spinning and the lights get brighter and the noise gets louder. It feels like everyone is looking at me, and yet no one knows I'm here. And suddenly I feel tired, really tired, from the weight of the day. So I throw my arms around his shoulders and everything turns black.

THURSDAY

I wake up and have no idea where I am. I know the smell, I know the feeling, but I don't know where I am, and I don't know how I got here. My heart starts racing as the reality sets in—I don't know how I got here. Terrified, I jerk up and flick my eyes open.

Bennett's room. Oh. Okay. My breathing is fast and furious and it's only when I calm it down that I realize how much my head hurts. “Shit,” I whisper.

“You deserve that,” I hear to my left. I look over and Bennett is lying on his roommate's bed, looking at the ceiling. He sounds so cold. I have no idea why, and I still have no idea why I'm here.

“What?” I ask, my voice scratchy. I stretch my legs and they feel bare against the sheets. I look quickly, fearing there might be another surprise waiting for me, and realize I'm not bottomless, just wearing a very short skirt that isn't mine. I look up and when I see Bennett again, everything starts flashing back.

“Oh my god,” I say, bringing my knees to my chest and covering my face with my hands. All of that happened last night. All of it was my doing. I was acting instead of thinking. I was someone else.
Why
did I do all of that? Why did I let myself do it?

I think of Brad, and him making a pass at me. How scared I was. How much worse it could have been. I think of Treena yelling at me in the bathroom, and how awful she was. I remember the look of pain in Bennett's eyes when I walked away. My heart feels like it's breaking inside, and I'm crumbling. I feel the lump in my throat as I sniff back a tear.

“Hey,” he says, but I can't answer. Everything is coming back, and I don't want it to. Everything hurts. I'm awful. “Hey,” he says again, but I shake my head.

“I'm so sorry,” I manage to get out before the tears start falling, both from emotional and physical pain. My head is throbbing.

I hear him get up, and then I feel his bed give and shift. I feel his hand on my shoulder.

“It's okay,” he says.

“No, it's not,” I say, sitting up, knowing I must look terrible between the tears and the snot and whatever makeup is left from last night, probably already running down my face. But I don't care. I don't deserve nice right now. “How could I?” I ask.

“You weren't yourself,” he says soothingly.

“That's just it. How did I let myself change so much? How was I so . . . so mean?”

“You had a long day,” he says. “And you drank a lot.”

“I was terrible to you.”

“True,” he says.

“Then why am I here?”

He looks at me carefully. “You don't remember?”

I shake my head. “I remember yelling at you,” I start, and he looks down and nods. “I remember talking to Brad, and kneeing him in the crotch.”

“Wait—why did you knee Brad in the crotch?” he asks, looking up.

“He tried kissing me. He was . . . forceful.”

“What?”
I nod in response, and Bennett stands up and starts pacing. “I knew I hated that guy for a reason.”

“Bennett,” I say.

“No, seriously, he did that to you?”

“Yeah, it's okay; I mean, I took care of it.”

“But what if it was worse? What if he does it to another girl who doesn't think to fight back?”

I shrug because I don't know. And I don't want to think
about that—or him right now. “We should tell Trey. Oh god, Trey,” I say, and Bennett sits down next to me again. “He cheated on Treena, and she and I had a huge fight in the bathroom.”

“So I heard. She was . . . emotional,” he says.

“What did she say?”

“Um,” he says, looking away. “Well, by the time she came out of the bathroom, you were passed out.”

“Wait, what?” I ask.

“Yeah, you stormed out of the bathroom and then passed out. On me.”

“On you,” I repeat.

“Thank god you're light,” he says, and I shake my head.

“I'm so sorry,” I say again.

“It's okay,” he repeats.

“I hate Trey,” I say forcefully.

“Yeah, you made that known last night. A few times. When we walked from the club to my car. I think everyone surrounding us knew.”

“Oh god.” I cover my face again. “Treena was so pissed when I said I didn't approve of him. She must hate me. He must hate me. Well, I don't care if he hates me, actually.”

“I don't know that I'd be worried about them if I were you.”

“Wait, why?” I ask.

“Because they got you drunk. They kept giving you drinks. And then when you went to console Treena when
she was crying about Trey, she got pissed at you.”

“I think I remember some of that.”

“It was dramatic,” he says. “And that's when you passed out, and she went back to Trey, and it was last call, so I got to gather you all up.”

“Because you were designated driver . . .” I remember.

“Yep, an honor and a duty.” He half smiles.

“We all owe you.”

“You have no idea,” he says, shaking his head.

“So what happened next?”

“Um.” He pauses. “You were mad at me for . . . reasons,” he says, and though I don't remember exactly why, I know it had to do with him shooting me down. Oh god.

“I threw myself at you, didn't I,” I moan.

“More or less,” he says, looking away.

“I'm really, really sorry,” I say, mortified.

“It was . . . educational?” he says as a question.

“Shut up.” I chuckle.

“I mean, I know I'm extremely good-looking.”

“Ha.”

“No, really, you're not the first. There were five more at the door just this morning,” he jokes, and I know he's saying this to cheer me up, which is wrong because I should be cheering him up after how I got last night. “Anyway,” he continues, “you were fuming, and the two Ts were in the back making up.”

“What?” I ask, crinkling my nose. “After he cheated on
her, she took him back?”

“So it seemed. I didn't watch, obviously, but let's just say there were noises.”

“Gross,” I whine. “Why would she do that? She deserves so much better.”

“I agree. I told you I worried about him doing that. Why won't she leave him?”

I think about it, and then I remember a slice of our conversation. “She said she likes him, and she doesn't think she'll do better. She's okay with it, as long as she doesn't know. How sick is that?”

He shakes his head and looks angry. “That's not right. He can't do that to her. And she can't do that to herself.”

“That's what I said. She didn't agree.”

“I don't get it,” he says. “When I found out about . . . well . . . as soon as I heard I was cheated on, I was gone. I didn't want to put up with that shit, you know?”

He shakes his head again, and then looks at me. There's an awkward silence, and then he continues. “Yeah, so when we got back here, they went to her room and shut the door before you could say a word. So, despite your struggles, I got you in here.”

“I struggled?” I ask, honestly not remembering anything. Why would I not want to stay here? After everything he's done for me?

“You were still pissed at me.”

I sigh, shaking my head. “I can't believe I don't remember
all of that. I can't believe I got that bad . . . it's just . . .”

“You were in a bad place. It's okay to go crazy every once in a while.”

“But I don't do that.”

“Okay, yeah, maybe you were
bad, but you can't hate yourself for something you couldn't control.”

“But I could have. I could have stopped drinking. I could have said no.”

“Yeah, but you didn't. So some part of you must have wanted to.”

I think about that. I guess so. “I wanted to see what it was like, this college lifestyle. I wanted to see how I'd do, knowing how my mother was.”

“Yeah, you said that. And?”

“Parts were fun.”

“The dancing was fun,” he says.

“Yeah, and then parts sucked.” I laugh. “I feel like you're going to give me a ‘never drink again' speech now.”

“That would be a bit hypocritical of me.”

“So what now?” I ask.

“Now . . . we get breakfast. I'm starved.”

I look over at him and he's smiling. “You sure you don't hate me?”

“Only a little.” He grins and I reach over and hug him. Not a passionate hug, not a hug that's trying to be more than it is. Just a hug. And when I feel his arms go around me, I know he feels it, too.