My past relationships had ended the
same as this. I had always ended them first, as soon as things
started getting rocky. I was afraid of being hurt and left alone,
but in the end this is how everything was meant to be.
Everything led me to this point in my
life; broken and alone. No matter what, I had no one.
I sat up when I heard Kennedy banging
on my door.
"Jennifer open this door! Talk to me,
please," she begged. I didn't feel like talking so I didn't open
the door. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and forget about
everything.
"You have class, are you
coming?"
"No," I replied back. I was in no
condition to go to class.
"Jennifer, classes are almost over so
you need to come to class and finish. Otherwise you could fail your
exams and the teacher won't let you graduate. Plus showing up is
part of our grade."
"No," I said back to her. I heard her
stomp off, displeased with my answer but at this moment in time
nothing else mattered to me. Nothing could be worse than this
moment right here, the moment I had finally given up on love. No
need to chase something that refused to be caught.
Love refused to let me
catch it
.
Chapter
Eighteen
I missed classes for the first time in
my college career. I stayed in my room and didn’t dare come out
while Kennedy was home. She brought me copies of the notes she had
taken for our final exam which helped, I studied them while she was
at class.
Kennedy often banged on my door,
begging me to come out. At one point she sat by my door for two
hours, seeing if that would push me to come out. It
didn’t.
Now, on a Friday night, I was alone,
sitting in my room looking over notes from Kennedy. I hadn’t heard
from Stefan all week, but with a broken phone, that was expected.
Kennedy brought me her phone several times, begging me to call
Stefan and work it out, but I declined. I had learned to accept my
fate and now was time for her to do the same.
“
Jennifer, are you planning
on ever coming out?” Kennedy’s voice interrupted my
thoughts.
“
Probably not,” I replied
back, calmly.
“
Well graduation is next
Friday, and exams are before that. Are you planning on attending
those?”
“
Just because I have
too.”
“
I am about to unhinge your
door if you don’t get your ass out of there.” I could tell she was
serious, but I also knew she had no idea how to do that nor did she
have the tools, so I just giggled to myself.
“
I’ll see you Monday.” I
looked back down at my notes, I had memorized them word for word. I
heard Kennedy walk off; I was glad she was gone.
I heard the front door open and close
and looked out my window to watch Kennedy’s car drive off. I opened
my door and decided a shower was much needed. I had taken about a
dozen showers everyday hoping it would rinse the pain away, but
much to my dismay, I still stepped out wounded and broken. Nothing
I did helped or made the pain any less noticeable.
After my shower, I dressed in the most
comfy clothes I could find and went downstairs. It was my first
time being downstairs all week. Kennedy brought my food and water
to my door for me and took my dishes when I was done. I walked down
the stairs and was in complete shock; there were red roses
everywhere!
I walked over to my one of the vases
and smelled the flowers, the smelt fresh and lovely. I closed my
eyes allowing my mind to take my body back to happier times, when
the only thing that mattered was him. That seemed like such a long
time ago. I quickly snapped back into reality, I wasn’t going to
give in completely to that feeling, not again.
I found the card and opened
it.
‘
You are forever what I
need. You will forever be mine. I’m sorry Jennifer.
xxxSL’
I felt the tears start up in my eyes.
I put the card down and went to another one and pulled the card
out.
‘
My future is in your
eyes. You’re my world.
xxxSL’
The tears really began
flowing then.
Why did he have this effect
on me?
How did he do this to me?
I wanted to go through and read all the cards, but
that would take me a lifetime.
Someone knocked on my door. I opened
it and saw Jaxston standing in front of me.
“
Hey you,” he smiled at
me.
“
Oh, hi.” I walked outside,
closing the door behind me. The last thing he needed to see was all
the flowers sitting in my house.
“
I tried to call you, text
you, but you never returned them so I figured I’d just stop by.” He
folded his arms; it was hard not to stare at his bulging
muscles.
“
Oh yeah, sorry, my phone’s
broken.” I shrugged my shoulders. That was going to be hard to
explain.
“
Are you okay?”
“
Uh, I’m okay. Just getting
ready for graduation, that’s all,” I lied. No way in hell was he
was getting the truth out of me.
“
Well, okay. I just wanted
to make sure you were alright, see it in person. Do you want to go
get a cup of coffee or something?”
I could tell he was holding his breath
waiting for the answer, I couldn’t let him down. “Sure, I just need
to go inside and change, if you don’t mind.” I looked down at the
loose fitting clothes I was wearing. I was suddenly embarrassed
standing next to him.
“
Okay, oh the way, this
package was on your door step when I walked up.” He handed me a
small box.
I grabbed the box. “Thank you. Do you
mind waiting out here while I run inside and change? The house is a
total mess.”
“
Oh yeah, that’s fine.” He
said.
I smiled and turned around and walked
inside, closing the door quickly behind me. I stood there for a
moment and looked at the brown box. It was clearly from Stefan, but
did I want to open it? I scanned the room again at all the flowers
everywhere and decided what the hell.
I opened the box to reveal
a blackberry. I powered it on and two text messages popped up from
Stefan.
Of course.
*I figured since you
weren’t texting
or calling me back you must
have
broken your phone. Here is
a new one.
Text me when you
want.*
*I hope you got the phone,
I miss you.
I have realized how
incomplete I am
without you, please call
me.*
I let out a long
sigh.
Was he serious?
I went upstairs and changed into a pair of jeans and a long
sleeve shirt. I tossed my new phone onto my bed; Stefan wasn’t
coming out with me tonight.
I got into Jaxston’s car and off we
went to the nearest coffee shop. Once we ordered and sat down,
Jaxston wasted no time starting the conversation.
“
So what happened to lover
boy?” Man, he wasn’t shy to ask questions, that’s for
sure.
“
H-He’s on a business trip
in Dallas right now,” I stammered out.
“
You two still going
strong?”
“
Yeah, I guess you could
say that.” What was I supposed to say, we made passionate love and
then I felt like he was giving up on me so I ran? I ran for the
fucking hills and didn’t look back? Was I supposed to tell him how
I deserved nothing or no one special in my life after my awful
childhood? What about the fact that I had managed to fuck up every
relationship I ever had.
“
Okay, well I just wanted
to tell you that I am getting deployed…” his voice trailed off,
waiting for a reply.
“
What?” I wasn’t sure I
understood him.
“
I leave next Friday and
I’ll be gone for a year, probably longer.”
“
When did you find this
out?”
“
I’ve known about this for
about a little less than a month, but I wasn’t sure how to tell you
or if it would even be appropriate. We aren’t dating or anything. I
just worry about you for some reason. I don’t know why.”
“
Well I’m fine and I will
continue to be fine. I should be the one worrying about you.” We
had hardly knew each other, but I did care about him.
“
This is my second tour,
I’ll be okay,” he smirked, taking a drink of his coffee.
“
Second tour?
What?”
“
Yeah, I’ve been deployed
before, about a year and a half ago. It’s alright, the only thing
that sucks is the home cooked meals, I really miss those when I’m
gone.”
“
I’ll send you a care
package, I promise.” I smiled at him. I was going to hold myself to
that promise; he deserved that.
“
Sounds like a plan to me,
lady.” We smiled at each other. I don’t know what this was between
us, but I liked it. It seemed like he cared about me, cared about
my feelings, not just looking to get me into bed with
him.
After we finished our coffee, Jaxston
took me home. I couldn’t even get out of the car before Kennedy
rushed through the door.
“
Jennifer, where the hell
were you?” Jaxston looked at me confused. I hoped he didn’t think
this was a daily occurrence, every time someone drops me off,
somebody comes screaming and running out of my house.
“
Bye Jaxston, thank you so
much for the coffee,” I turned around and hugged him.
“
I’ll write you when I go
overseas.”
“
I’ll be waiting.” I smiled
at him.
“
Okay. See ‘ya later.” He
kissed me on my cheek and smiled, before returning to his car. I
looked over at Kennedy who appeared mortified at what she just saw.
I smiled at her as I walked back into the house. Kennedy was quick
on my heels.
"What the hell is going on with you? I
haven't seen or spoken to you in a week and you run off with a
fucking stranger? What happened to best friends, Jennifer?" She
stood by the door with her arms crossed, waiting for a response
from me. Truth was we had been through far worse than this and I
had no doubt in my mind we would be okay. We've had our ups and
downs but we always seemed to come out on top.
"He's not a stranger and it’s not that
I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk about Stefan or
even think about him, but I guess that's asking too much." I
motioned my hands around the room.
"He kept sending them, what did you
want me to do? Throw them away?"
I laughed. "Really, Kennedy? You've
got to be fucking kidding me. Why is it so hard for you to accept
my decision and get over it?" My voice startled me.
"Because I'm your best fucking friend
and friends don't let friends throw the best thing they've ever had
away. Every time you get scared you run for the fucking hills, you
hide from your problems. Instead of facing your problems head on
you fucking coward down and let it walk all over you." She was mad
now, but I deserved this. I deserved every word.
"Kennedy, I tried to."
"Tried my ass, Jennifer." She laughed
and threw her hands up in defeat. "You think I don't know you? I've
seen how you are, Jennifer, I know you better then you know
yourself half the time. I don't understand why it's so hard to let
go of everything in your past and start new? Why is it so fucking
hard to let Stefan in? Let him know the real you? You are so
beautiful, so smart, so funny, he has fallen in love with you. Take
a chance and stop being this ‘oh pity me, I deserve to be alone’
person. It's going to get you nowhere and frankly I've had enough."
She paused and looked at me; she was trying to look into my soul,
trying to make me understand. "I love you like a best friend, no
fuck that, as a sister and I feel like I have a right to tell you
when you have fucked up, and right now, you have royally fucked up.
So get your head out of your ass and fix this." She went to open
the door and but stopped and turned back. "Love is so hard to find,
Jennifer. Don't throw this away. You'll regret it for the rest of
your life." She shut the door behind her and left me in this empty
house alone, emotionally drained, and feeling so guilty for all the
pain I'd caused her and Stefan.
Growing up this is what was normal.
When my parents got into a fight because my dad came home drunk, or
my mom found about a mistress, we left. I don’t remember my mom
talking to my dad about anything, ever. I just remember my mom
loading me up in the car and saying we were going on a vacation and
then we’d leave. We would stay at a cheap hotel about a half hour
away from our house for a couple of days; then we would go back
home and everything would be fine. It’s how I was raised and what I
had seen growing up, it’s all I had ever known.
I knew what needed to be done. I knew
what I needed to do to fix this.
I needed to make Stefan
realize I did love him and that I needed him more then I needed my
next heartbeat
.
Chapter
Nineteen