Authors: Usman Ijaz
A small voice in his head whispered that he was
afraid of conflict, afraid of failing and dying.
I will not take an
unnecessary risk,
he told that voice, wanting to be rid of it. It receded,
taunting him all the while.
“I think we will take our chances across the
river,” he said to Rebecca. Wild dogs would likely avoid strangers, and he had
his guns with him as well.
Rebecca looked on the verge of protest, but then
subsided once she saw his face. “You are sure?”
“Yes.”
“Then I hope you and your companions find your
way out together.”
1
“
I’m
Connor! That’s Alexis! Do you
understand now?”
“Yes, Alexi,” Milen replied, grinning.
Connor threw his hands up and turned away. He
wondered suddenly if Milen was doing it on purpose.
Not likely
, he thought.
He crossed his arms over his chest and hugged himself tighter as the bitter
wind rolling off the river buffeted him.
Alexis laughed. “I thought you would be at it
all day.”
“It’s not that hard to grasp,” Connor explained.
“With time he might get it.”
“If you say so,” replied the Legionnaire.
Connor stepped closer to the embankment and
watched the river flow by below. In the early morning the water appeared dull
... and deep. The river was wider than he had expected. It ran before them in a
straight band, never narrowing at any certain point but only growing wider
farther down. The water rushed by at a steady pace; Connor supposed there must
be rapids a little further down. On the other side, the trees stood much as
they did on their side; large and tall, blocking out much of the sunlight. He
looked at the Legionnaire. “We’re going to try crossing this?”
“Yes.”
He was about to ask how when Adrian beat him to
it. Connor gave him a withering glance before returning his gaze to the river.
“We’ll have to construct a raft,” Alexis
answered, studying the river. He seemed heedless of the wind that whipped his
coat and hair around him.
“How long will that take?” Connor asked.
Alexis smiled. “Sooner started, sooner done.”
They headed back through the woods, walking in
single file on the small path. Connor watched Adrian trying to explain to Milen
their names. He seemed to be having some luck. Connor turned his head away,
scowling. If someone had put him to the question and asked what he held against
Adrian, he wasn’t sure he could come up with a reasonable answer. All he knew
was that a part of him held Adrian accountable for what had happened to his
mother. Another part of his mind whispered that it made no sense to blame his
cousin, and that it was wrong, but Connor shut that part off in anger.
Who
else can I blame?
he demanded of that voice. Adrian glanced back at him
once; Connor gave him a baleful stare before turning his head aside.
2
Breakfast was a quiet affair for the most part.
Rebecca had readied hard slabs of bread covered with preserves and warm tea. A
simple meal in all, but Connor thought it tasted as wonderful as anything he
had eaten. The Legionnaire sat scratching patterns into the ground, trying to
design the raft they had to build. Milen sat with a loopy grin and a distant
look on his face.
Probably listening to the birds
, Connor thought.
Connor glanced towards Adrian and saw him sitting with a sad face, worry clear
in his odd, gray eyes.
An odd mix of emotions warred within him as he
watched his cousin.
What does he have to be so depressed about?
The next
instant he felt shameful and regretted the thought. His own indecisions tore
him apart. He couldn’t decide whether to blame Adrian for everything or to
suddenly forgive him. He wasn’t sure how to think of his cousin anymore,
certainly not as the boy he had grown up with. It was too hard to imagine that.
But why did he feel such a strong need to blame him for his mother’s death? The
lack of answers plunged him deeper into an uncertain melancholy.
When he thought of all the years that he had
spent without ever knowing his mother, he wanted to place the blame on someone.
To say, ‘There, it’s your fault!’ But then why did that small voice in his head
keep nagging at him, telling him he was wrong to do so ... and more, why did he
feel an urge to agree with that voice?
Perhaps because you truly don’t
believe it’s Adrian’s
-- Connor stomped on the thought immediately. The
anger he held towards his cousin steadied him, allowed him to feel as though he
could lean upon something for balance amidst a storm. Without that anger,
without that crutch, he knew he would be blown away by the emotions within him.
By blaming Adrian he was able to keep at bay all the other feelings that boiled
beneath his surface. Within him was a dam of emotions with cracks running
everywhere, worse was that he could feel those cracks in his own uncertainty.
So he held fast to his anger, and refused to listen to that voice within his
mind.
Alexis suddenly looked up. “Rebecca, do you have
an axe?”
“It would be foolish to decide to live in the
woods unprepared,” she said as she stood and walked away. She disappeared
around the hut and emerged carrying a large, rusty axe in both hands.
“Excellent!” cried the Legionnaire. He looked towards
Adrian and Connor. “Milen and I will cut down any trees that we can use. I want
you two to set about searching for bark or vines that can be used to lash the
raft together.”
No,
Connor opened his mouth to say, and
stopped as he saw Alexis’s stern gaze fixed on him. The Legionnaire removed his
large knife from his belt and tossed it at Connor’s feet.
“We’ll see how much we can get done by noon,”
said Alexis as he stood. “Milen, I will need your help.”
Milen looked up at him, startled out of his thoughts.
Alexis beckoned him to follow him. Milen glanced around at them in turn, and
waited for his mother’s nod before climbing to his feet. He and Alexis
disappeared into the woods.
Connor stood as well, holding the large knife by
his side. He didn’t look at Adrian as he turned and walked away, heading into
the woods in a direction different than Alexis and Milen.
“Don’t wander off to far,” Rebecca called. “It’s
easy to get lost in these woods.”
Connor intended to heed her advice. The crunch
of leaves and branches behind him told him Adrian was following him. He tried
not to let it bother him too much. Bark, Alexis had said, and that was what
Connor searched the woods for. He didn’t know where Alexis intended to find
bark or vines; there were none that he could see. He walked a wide circle
around the clearing, eyes scanning the woods. Truth to be told, he didn’t
entirely feel safe away from the Legionnaire.
“How about those?” Adrian said suddenly. Connor
turned to look at where he pointed, a few green saplings barely taller than the
two of them. “We can strip the bark from those,” Adrian suggested.
It wasn’t a bad idea, Connor had to admit
grudgingly. He headed towards the small trees without a word to his cousin.
Adrian followed behind him.
“You know that if I could change the past, I
would,” Adrian said suddenly. His voice was barely above a whisper, but Connor
heard it clearly. “I don’t know what I am anymore ... but I feel different,
because of the way everyone regards me now. I feel that I’ve changed without
changing at all.”
Connor bent and hacked at the base of the
sapling. It didn’t take long to cleave through it, and all the while Adrian’s
words rang in his mind, poisoning his conscious further. Connor tossed the
sapling over his shoulder and began hacking at another one. He didn’t want to
think on Adrian’s words, he didn't want to think at all, just hold on to the
anger he felt and keep the rest of his emotions at bay.
Shut up and work
,
he thought bitterly at the other boy. It seemed to work, for Adrian spoke no
more.
When they headed back towards the clearing they
both carried large armfuls of saplings. Alexis and Milen had not returned, but
there were still quite a few hours left till noon, Connor judged. He dumped his
pile before his seat and began to work. Rebecca joined them as well, producing
a small knife for Adrian and herself. Together they set to stripping the small
trees of leaves and branches, and then began the arduous job of trying to peel
the green bark off. It was slow work.
“So where are you lads from?” Rebecca asked as
she worked.
“Port Hope,” Connor answered her.
“Ah. Is it a nice city?”
“Yes. It rests right on the harbor ... and it’s
big enough.”
Rebecca nodded. “Do you two live together there
then?”
Connor’s lips thinned. After a few moments in
which neither Adrian nor he spoke, he said, “Yes. At my father’s inn, the
Golden Lilly.”
“Ah. So am I to believe that you two don’t speak
to one another there as well?”
Connor could feel her gaze on him but refused to
meet her eyes. He didn’t want to see the disapproval on her face. Instead he
continued working silently, hoping she would let it drop.
Rebecca sighed. “I know what it is like to be
persecuted because of your differences. I saw enough of it in how people
treated Milen. So let me tell you two something I have learned: life is too
short to waste on trivial, bitter matters such as these. They bring joy to no
one, only pain.”
Connor glanced up to meet her eyes. Rebecca’s
gaze wandered from him to Adrian.
“You two are too young to hold these feelings
within you. They tear grown men apart. I shudder to think how they will affect
you, children that you are. My counsel would be to relinquish whatever demons
you hold inside and purge your mind clean.”
After that she spoke no more, and they worked in
quiet silence. Alexis and Milen returned to drop off a load of long branches as
thick as Milen’s immense arms. The Legionnaire had taken his coat off but still
wore his guns; the lack of concealment only made the silver revolvers that much
more glaringly obvious. Alexis glanced at the work they had finished, gave a
satisfactory nod, and headed back into the woods.
By the time the sun was high they had a large
pile of peeled bark. Alexis and Milen had managed to cut down quite a few of the
smaller trees and carry them to camp. The work seemed almost easy for Milen,
but Connor saw the Legionnaire wiping sweat off his forehead many times.
“I believe we all need a respite for now,”
Rebecca said aloud.
A clay jar of water was passed around as they
all sat around the fire site, and Rebecca dished out helpings of her vegetable
stew. It was a small rest before going back to work, Connor knew.
They worked all through the afternoon, Connor
and Adrian fetching more saplings and stripping them, and Alexis and Milen
cutting down more thin trees and branches and adding them to the pile. By
evening they were all well past exhaustion.
Connor ate dinner with his body feeling tired
and peaceful. He could see the weariness in the others as well. It seemed to
affect Milen the least, and it did not surprise Connor much; throughout the day
Milen had worked right alongside Alexis with hardly a sign of fatigue. Instead,
he had looked as if he had enjoyed doing it.
Following Alexis’ suggestion Connor and Adrian filled
a few pales with water and placed all the thin bark in them, so that the bark
could soak overnight. Connor finished this and headed for the hut, with Adrian
following him. He lay down on his blanket and was asleep before resting his
head for a full two minutes.
3
When everyone else had gone to sleep Alexis
stayed outside with the remnants of the dying fire. He felt incredibly tired,
shoulders and back aching, but he wanted to remain outside for a few moments
more. There was a peace in the woods, with the pale moon hanging above and the
sound of the river not too far away. He took out his large guns. They gleamed
beneath the moonlight. He opened the chambers, saw all six rounds loaded, and
snapped them shut. He let his thoughts drift.
He worried about spending too much time here. If
the assassins were after them, following their trail through the woods, they
would find them here. He didn’t entirely believe anymore that the attackers had
pursued them into the woods - or if they had, then they had lost his and the
boys’ trail - but he didn’t want to leave anything to chance. And now there was
Milen and Rebecca to care for also; they were too good for him to simply let
die if the assassins arrived. But he also knew that if the assassins arrived
and he saw a clear route to escape, he would take Adrian and run and leave the
rest behind unless it could be helped. It shamed him to realize it, but he had
a duty, and there was more than his pride riding on it. So much more.
Have I
really sunk so low?
He cleared his head of the thought; he would do what
had to be done, what he had promised to do, and try not to let it eat away at
him.