Authors: Michelle Horst
“Jack?” River sounds cautious and she should be. I’m not a little puppet anymore!
I hear her come closer and I growl, “Stay away from me!”
She stops somewhere behind me and then she whispers, “Sophia told me about David. I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“She shouldn’t have!” I snap under my breath.
“What they did to you,” she sucks in a deep breath before she carries on with a tear filled voice, “I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“You said that already.” I get up and stalk over to her. I need to let go of this consuming anger and hatred and she’s the perfect target. “You pretend to be different. You pretend just like Cameron and David pretended. You’ll use me just like they did! You’re a monster …” I suck in some air before I hiss out, “You are just like them.”
She folds her arms around herself, as if she’s trying to protect herself from my words. “I’m not,” she snaps back, her façade of patience gone. “I am nothing like those monsters and don’t you ever dare compare me to them!”
I take another step closer to her and I spit the words out, one for one, “You are just like Cameron!”
She spins around and walks away from me, “I’m not doing this with you. You’re looking for a fight with the wrong person.”
She takes a few steps but then swings around again. She stalks all the way back until she’s right in front of me. “I’m nothing like Cameron,” her voice cracks with emotion. “My mother was sold too! She’s somewhere out there and I can’t find her, and it kills me a little every day.” She points to the bonsai trees I planted today. “These plants … they were bought with the money my father made off his slaves. I also grew up seeing people being raped and beaten every single day.” She sucks in gulps of air and then tears spill over her cheeks. “I’ve never raped someone. I’ve never beaten someone. I haven’t so much as touched someone without their permission. I use the money my father made from his slaves to save people. I’m giving it all back.” She hisses, “I’m not a monster.”
River turns away from me and then runs off into the dark night.
~*~
That night I can’t sleep. With the lights off, I stand in front of the window staring into the dark night. I’m trying to process everything she told me. Her mother was also a slave?
I spot movement in the garden and see that it’s River. She’s walking towards the chapel. I quickly put on some clothes and then run to catch up with her. I follow behind her, not sure what to say to her. I feel bad for the way I behaved this afternoon.
She doesn’t go to the chapel. When she gets to the river she sits down, just staring out over the water.
“I was fourteen,” she suddenly whispers. “I made the choice of having sex with one of the stable boys. I knew it would only be a matter of time before father sold me.” I walk closer and then sit down next to her. “My first time was awful and it hurt. We didn’t know what we were doing. But none of that mattered. I just wanted to get rid of my virginity.” She starts to pick at the grass, pulling out one blade after the other. “He found out.” She looks at me, tears making her eyes shimmer like the water in the river. “Jack, he got so mad! He made us have sex again. It … it was horrible. He watched all of it. I’ve never felt so degraded in my life, and then as the boy came father shot him. There was blood everywhere. I felt as he died, his body going limp on top of mine.” She wipes at the tears and then her shoulders hunch forward and she starts to sob. “Because of me that boy died.”
Her father betrayed her like David betrayed me. I now understand her a little better. I stay with her and eventually she stops crying. We both just sit and stare into the night. A lot has been said between us. It feels like I’ve connected with her in some way.
~*~
The next day everything is back to normal and our fight is forgotten. I spend the day working with the bonsai trees. They need a lot of patience and care. I need more manure for the plants, so taking the wheelbarrow I make my way over to where the cattle are. I shovel some into the wheelbarrow and then stop when I hear something. It’s coming from the building.
I walk closer and when I hear the familiar grunts of someone having sex I go cold. I find myself standing in the doorway and my eyes sweep through the building. There’s lots of hay everywhere. My eyes dart up and then I see them. I think their names are Maddie and Christopher. The longer I stare at them, the more I release that what they are doing is different from what I’m used to seeing. Christopher is on top of Maddie, and he’s looking at her with such a soft expression.
He slides into her softly and slowly, and her body arches up into his. She’s holding onto his arms, while making sounds of pleasure. I watch as she comes and then he follows. He doesn’t get up and dismiss her, but instead holds her, whispering to her.
I quickly leave, before they see me. I’ve seen hundreds of people having sex, but never in my life have I seen something like that. Never have I felt like I was intruding on something I shouldn’t be seeing.
Trying to digest what I just saw, I go back to shoveling manure into the wheelbarrow. I go about my day with the couple dominating my thoughts.
I now have my dinner in the kitchen with River. We’re just about to eat when the couple from the barn comes in. I duck my head, scared that they’ll find out that I watched them.
Once they’ve left the kitchen, I relax and start to eat my food.
“How was your day?” River asks.
She asked me the same question yesterday as well. “The same as yesterday.”
She laughs and then says, “I know you did gardening, but I’d like to know what you did.”
“Oh.” I cut a piece of the chicken and pop it in my mouth. While chewing I think on what to say. I swallow and decide to go with something safe. “I trimmed the bonsai. I watered them. I needed some more manure for the new pots, so I went to get some.”
I feel my cheeks flush as thoughts of the couple having sex in the barn flash through my mind.
“What?” River asks.
There is a soft smile playing around her lips. I lean closer to her and whisper, “I saw a couple having sex.”
She frowns and asks, “Did it upset you … seeing that?” She takes a bite of her potato while I think her question over.
Did it upset me? I don’t think so.
“No, it didn’t.”
She’s just taken a bite of her chicken and asks around a mouth full of food, “Did it turn you on?”
Again, I think hard and then answer, “No, but I think they broke my cock.”
She chokes on the sip of lemonade she just took. I pat her back lightly and when she recovers she looks at me very seriously. “Why would you say that?”
“Because it doesn’t get hard anymore.”
She places her knife and fork down and pushes her plate back. She crosses her arms on the table and asks, “How did you get it up then?”
“They gave me pills to take before a party or meeting.”
Her eyes go wide. “Oh … I see. So, ahh … when last did you get hard by yourself?”
I sit back and I have to think hard. “I think it was a few months ago.”
“And orgasms?”
I drop my head in shame and whisper, “The Saturday after the party.”
I feel her hand on my chin and she nudges me to look at her. “Why are you hiding from me, Jack?”
“I’m ashamed.”
She drops her hand and shakes her head. “It’s not your fault, Jack. None of what happened to you was your fault.”
“It was the one thing she couldn’t get from me. I was proud of myself every time I left a meeting without coming. But that night I just couldn’t hold out. She made me come twice and…” I drop my head again, feeling another wave of shame engulf me.
“Who was it?”
I close my eyes and force the name out, “Mistress Westbrook.”
I hear River gasp and then the weirdest thing happens. She gets up and falling to her knees beside my chair she grabs hold of my hand. “Look at me, Jack!”
My eyes meet hers and I see them shimmer. I don’t understand why she’s sad.
“That woman is pure evil. Did she use those bands on you?”
I nod. River gets up and she shoves a hand behind her neck, looking flustered and angry. “That bitch!” Her eyes come back to me and she says pleadingly, “That had to be so awful for you but please, Jack, you have to know that it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong!”
A tear rolls down her cheek and I get up. I walk closer to her and looking down at the tear rolling over her chin, I ask, “Why are you crying?”
She takes my hand and holds it in hers. I like it when she holds my hand. “I’m crying because I’m hurting for you, Jack. I wish I could have saved you from all the horrors you’ve seen and were made to endure.” She drops my hand and then her arms go around my waist and she presses her face into my chest. At first my body stiffens, but then she whispers, “I’m crying because I care about you and I hate to see you feel ashamed for something that was outside of your control.”
I lift my arms and for the first time since Momma died, I hug someone because I want to and not because I was told to do so.
~*~
Chapter Twelve
River~
In the early hours of the morning I’m woken by someone screaming. I throw the covers back and run out of my room. Some of the doors open and one after another heads pop out to see what’s going on.
“Get back to bed!” I snap and then I open Jack’s door. I close it behind myself and switch on the light. I rush over to his bed. I sit down next to his thrashing body and shake his shoulder. “Jack, wake up!”
Another scream tears from him and it instantly brings tears to my eyes.
“Jack,” I shake him harder. “Please wake up!”
His whole body jerks and then he shoots up. Our bodies collide hard and his arms go around me. He holds me with a death grip, his face buried in my neck. I can feel his tears wetting my skin and it makes my own fall.
“It’s okay,” I hold him tightly, offering him all the strength I have. “It was just a dream, Sweetheart. You’re safe.”
He shakes his head and then chokes out, “It wasn’t a dream, River.”
He just said my name! My happiness is short lived when he sobs, “I keep seeing it. I keep seeing them burn Momma.”
“Oh no!” I pull him back so I can see his face. “Jack, they made you watch?”
“It was right before they put me with the other slaves. I thought she was sleeping, but she had died during the night. Cameron and his guards came in and took her. They burned her body. I tried to save her.” He lifts his left hand and I see the faint burn marks.
“I’m so sorry, Sweetheart.” I pull him into a hug again and just hold him.
His voice is muffled against my neck as he whispers. “I saw you tonight. They were burning you.”
“That will never happen!” I press a kiss to his ear and whisper, “We’re safe here, Jack.”
We sit for a while longer when I pull away. “You need to try and sleep some more.”
I get up and switch the light off, when Jack whispers, “Will you stay with me?” I hear him hesitate. “Like you did the night of the party. That was nice.”
I walk back to his bed and crawl in next to him. It’s a single bed so there’s not much space.
“We had a huge bed to work with that night.” I pull his arm around my shoulders and place my head in the crook of his shoulder. I have to press close to him so I don’t go falling off the side.
Jack turns on his side and both his arms go around me. The lengths of our bodies are pressed tightly against each other, and his chin is resting on top of my head.
We cling to each other until we fall asleep.
~*~
Jack keeps having those nightmares and it keeps waking everyone. At dinner I decide to approach the subject carefully.
“Do you have the nightmares often?”
He nods and then says, “Sometimes they aren’t as bad.”
“I was thinking,” I push the peas around in my plate not sure I should ask, but then I throw caution to the wind, “do you want to share a room with me?” He looks at me with a dark frown and I hope I didn’t just ruin all the progress we’ve made. “I mean just to sleep. I have to get up when you have a nightmare and that way I’ll be right there. It’s just to sleep and so you won’t be alone at night.”
A smile tugs at his lips and it makes him look gorgeous. He’s healed a lot in the three weeks he’s been here.
He looks at my plate and then says, “Are you going to have your peas?”
“Ahh …” I look down at my plate and then shake my head, “No, I don’t like them.”
“I don’t like the lemonade that much. I’ll swap you.”
My mouth drops open. “But you’ve been drinking it for weeks!”
“You gave it to me.”
I quickly take his glass of lemonade and place my plate in front of him, then I get up and pour him a glass of orange juice. “Wait, do you like OJ?”
“Yes,” he nods excitedly. “Very much.”
I place the glass in front of him and then drink the lemonade. When we’re done with dinner and we get up, I nervously ask, “So you’ll be sleeping in my room tonight?”
He nods again before he leaves the kitchen.
I need some alone time to get over the nervous feeling fluttering inside my chest. I have no reason to be nervous around Jack. I run to get my shirt and shorts I sleep in and quickly duck into the bathroom. I take my time in the bath, shaving and washing my hair.
I get out of the bath and towel myself dry and then smear some body lotion on. Midway with my left leg I freeze. Why did I shave? I only shave once a week, because I never cared what I look like before.
I look in the mirror and for the first time ever I wonder how others see me. Am I pretty to them?
~*~
When I come out of the bathroom, Jack’s sitting on the side of the bed. He quickly stands and runs his hands over the front of his thighs. It’s a nervous habit he has.
The first night I slept with him, I found out that he sleeps in the nude. I made him wear boxers the following night.
I walk closer and look over his legs. There are still lots of scabs, but their shrinking every day.
“You’ll be as good as new in no time,” I say and then I throw the covers back. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Jack. If you want to sleep here then get in, if you would rather sleep in your room then go sleep there. You always have a choice.”