Back to Life (7 page)

He nodded and continued, “My grandfather raised me. He taught me everything I know. He was the reason I worked hard
. He is the reason I still work hard. He really knew how to live life. He was successful in all aspects of his life—father, husband, business man, musician. I want that kind of success.” Ty gave me small, wistful smile.

“What was it like?
With just you and your grandfather?” I asked quietly, noticing the light in his eyes when he talked about his grandfather.

“He was very laid back.  He had that quiet strength.
I went through a phase in college where I played really hard. As long as my grades were perfect and I managed my trust well, he tolerated it. But the moment I finished undergrad, he sat me down and told me that I needed to grow up because Barker men don’t party that hard and get sloppy drunk.  So the summer after undergrad, I stopped drinking and started working nonstop. He waited until my work ethic rivaled his before he kept nagging me to live a little.  He made me promised him that I would not work so hard that I missed out on other aspects of life. He knew how to keep that perfect balance between work and play, you know?”

He paused before continuing, “S
o anyway, now, it’s just me. No biological family.” His voice had taken on a pensive tone that made my heart clench.

I reached over the table and put my hand on his.  He looked at me with his
chestnut brown eyes and I melted.  The sadness in his eyes only endeared him more to me. 
Maybe he would understand,
I thought selfishly and as soon as I though it I shook the thoughts away. 
Sahara get it together! This is about him, not you!
I chastised myself.  I knew that I couldn’t involve him in my drama; he’d been through enough of his own. 

“Well know that I am here for you. Whenever you need me,” I
said automatically, without thinking.  I rubbed my hand over his and he flipped his hand over to interlock our fingers.  I looked at our intertwined hands and fought the cheesy grin that threatened to take over my face.  And we took our first bites of room temperature food holding hands.

“So tell me about your family?” Ty said innocently,
giving my hand a squeeze before pulling his hand away from mine to eat more comfortably.

I balked and almost choked on my juice, not expecting the question. “Um, my
dad was a police officer,” I coughed. I looked out the window and waited for him to fill in the blanks that I couldn’t bring myself to say.

He swallowed hard before speaking, “W
as?”

I looked at him with watery eyes and nodded. I didn’t elaborate and he didn’t expect me to.

“Wow… I’m sorry Sahara.”  The way he looked at me, full of understanding and not an ounce of pity, was a relief.

I nodded again
, tension leaving my shoulders.  “So let’s talk about something else,” I said slipping the perfect fake smile on my face.  The look on Ty’s face let me know he saw right through it but he didn’t say a word.

“
You said you like art last night. What’s your favorite art form?” Ty asked before putting another bite of omelet in his mouth.

I chewed my food before I answered
thoughtfully, “Music. Hands down. Music is so transitional. It makes you feel. It makes you move. It foreshadows.  It can create an atmosphere all on its own. I love to create my own soundtrack to whatever it is I’m doing.”

He
nodded and smiled, “What song would be playing now?”  His eyes twinkled.

I
bit my lip to keep from laughing and shrugged.
My Body’s Calling springs to mind,
I thought as I felt a blush cover my skin.

He
leaned back and laughed loudly as if he were reading my thoughts.  “So do you ever sing outside of the gym or was that just a special treat for me?” He joked with a bright smile.

I laughed, “Singing is one of those things I reserve for the shower or when I’m alone.”

An hour and a half later of nonstop talk and laughter, Ty paid our bill. He opened the door for me and we started walking the two blocks back to Libby Lofts.  I pointed out different important locations he needed to know—grocery store, gourmet deli, bank, coffee shop.

A child on roller blades bumped into me, causing me to stumble in my yellow heels
.  The mother chased behind him yelling “Scottie! Scott! Slow down! I’m sorry ma’am,” she threw at me as she ran to catch up with her son.

Steadying me with large hands
on my shoulders, Ty asked, “You good?” His gaze lingered on my lips and returned to my eyes when I nodded.

Running his hands down my arms, he reached my hands and took them into his.  “People should really keep their kids in check,” he
grinned.  Letting one of my hands go, we interlocked fingers and walked the rest of the way home holding hands. No words were spoken the rest of the walk as if we didn’t want to pop the bubble we were in.

Once we got in the elevator, Ty finally broke the silence. “Today was nice,” he said giving me a sexy smile.

“Yes it was,” I responded, returning his smile with one of my own.

“I don’t want it to end, but I need to check
on things at Jimmy’s. Maybe I can see you later?” His voice sounded casual, but his face looked hopeful.

“Maybe,” I responded, my smile got even wider.
  I rubbed my thumb across his forefinger.

The elevator dinged as we reached the 9
th
floor. We walked hand in hand to my door and turned to look at one another. “We’ve only known each other a day and I don’t know what this is,” he started, motioning between the two of us with his free hand, “but I like it. A lot.”

With my back against my door, Ty hugged his body against mine and held me close.
He smelled so good and he felt even better. He released my hand so he could hold on to me even tighter. I wrapped both arms around his neck. 

I tilted my head upwards and smiled at him. “
Like I said, you are a game changer Mr. Barker.”

He inched his face closer to mine and asked, “Does that mean what I think it means?”

I cocked my head to the side coyly, “I don’t know what you think it means.”

He inched in a little more
, our noses touching, “I think it means you feel this. You feel as drawn to me as I am to you. I felt it from the moment I saw you, heard your voice,” His voice had dropped to a hushed whisper.

“I’ve never felt anything like it,” I admitted.
It scares me
. I wanted to admit that too but opted not to.

We were so
close, I could just barely feel his lips on mine. He eyed me hungrily but didn’t make a move to kiss me.
Kiss me, kiss me
, I willed him to put me out of my misery and kiss me. The waiting was unbearably sexy. My nerve endings were on fire. Finally, his lips gently found mine and as the level of intensity increased, so did my level of desire.  Our mouths and tongues moved together in reverent kisses causing soft moans to escape me. My heart hammered in my chest as we pulled apart.
Mind. Blown,
I thought as my body sagged against the door, trying to catch my breath. He tasted like mint and chocolate—clean and sweet.

Ty took a deep breath before he opened his eyes.
Smiling his sexy smile, he stared at me. He licked his lips. “Sahara,” he moaned as he planted an entirely too swift kiss on my lips. “I will see you tonight.” It wasn’t a question, it was a demand.

Overwhelmed by the rush of emotions, I could only nod
compliantly before my voice returned. I breathed, “Yes.”

After getting safely inside, I locked the door behind me and dropped to my knees. I’d never been kissed like that before. I’d never been turned on like that before. I’d never experienced anything like that before in my entire life. 
Something had awakened in me… Something that died a long time ago. I felt the warring emotions as my inner dialogue reminded me of why I shouldn’t pursue this and why I didn’t deserve it and how I’d ruin him. But my brokenness shattered further at the thought of turning away from what was happening with Ty. 

It was in
that moment that I knew that I was changed. My guilt and my pain would wreck me, but Tyree Barker had changed the status quo of my life.
His presence, his touch, his kiss makes me forget any and everything else. So maybe, just maybe, having him in my life would make it easier to get through the hearing
, I reasoned with myself as I made my decision. But if I was being completely honest with myself, it was deeper than just getting through the hearing.
We both had loved ones who died tragically so he understands me in a way not many people could and we bonded on a level that superseded our physical attraction to one another.
Although I didn’t think I deserved to be happy, I knew for a fact that I couldn’t turn away from Tyree Barker.

Chapter 7

Tyree Barker:   What are you up to?

Sahara Lee:
Listening to music, reading. What are you up to?

Tyree Barker: Thinking about you.

Sahara Lee: You may have crossed my mind a time or two :)

Tyree Barker: Good
! How are you?

Sahara Lee:
I’m cool. How are you? How’s work?

Tyree Barker: It’
s going really well. I hold Monday morning finance meetings and tomorrow will be the first for the management staff for Motive and Jimmy’s.  So I just needed to come in and get some things together. I should be out of here in about an hour.

Sahara Lee: Well good
! Sounds like you’re being productive.

Tyree Barker: What are you listening to?

Sahara Lee: Right now, American Gangster.

Tyree Barker: Okay, I see you.

Sahara Lee: :)

Tyree Barker: Are you
hungry?  

Sahara Lee: Yes! I haven’t eaten since The Diner.
After I finish this chapter, I was going to start cooking something. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Tyree Barker: I would love to. You need me to pick up anything?

Sahara Lee: Nope, not necessary. But thank you. Just be here at 8 :)

Tyree Barker:  See you soon baby girl

Hearing the buzzing of the oven, I quickly finished putting my thick hair into a high ponytail.  I ran down the steps in my black slippers and grabbed my black, white, and pink checkered apron.  After washing my hands, I carefully pulled the seasoned steak kabobs out of the oven.  Using leftover steak and peppers, I diced the pieces and prepared steak fried rice. I pulled the freshly prepared Caesar salad from the refrigerator and sat it on the table. I lit the two lilac candles in the kitchen and I checked the time on the microwave: 7:55pm.

I removed my apron and inspected
my white tank top for any food particles. I put my IPod on the docking station and decided to let it shuffle through. When I heard the knock on the door, my heart skipped a beat. Moving as fast as I could without slipping in my slippers, I scurried to the door. I peeked through the peephole and saw Ty standing there with flowers. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves, and I opened the door.

“Hi!” I exclaimed.
So much for playing it cool Sahara,
I castigated myself.

“Hi,” Ty said smoothly. “These are for you.” He held up a beautiful bouquet of flowers. “I hope you are not allergic.”

“Wow, thank you! They are beautiful and I’m not allergic.” I accepted the flowers and turned to walk toward the kitchen.

“Smells great in here,” Ty remarked from behind me.

“Thank you,” I said as I grabbed a vase from the bottom cabinet and filled it with water.  “It’s going to taste even better!” I continued confidently as I put the flowers on the kitchen table.

“I believe it,” Ty said watching me intently.  “I’m sorry,” he
pronounced, as he walked across the kitchen and stood in front of me. I looked up at him curiously and he leaned down and kissed me. His lips brushed mine softly, gently. And then he pulled away slightly. I opened my eyes and we were staring at each other, motionless. My lips tingled and my eyes dropped down to his lips.

“I couldn
’t go another minute without doing that,” he whispered, brushing his thumb across my full bottom lip.

Closing my eyes, I
drew his face closer to mine and kissed him deeply in response. Once the kiss was over, I opened my eyes and stepped away from him.
If I stay pressed up against his body, I will have sex with him and I am NOT ready for that
, I thought suddenly. It wasn’t that I couldn’t control my hormones, but something about Tyree Barker made me want to get close—in every sense of the word.

“
Well, it’s definitely time for dinner,” I exhaled.  Clearing my throat, I tried to calm myself down by averting my eyes.

“Let me hel
p you with something,” Ty asked, looking around the kitchen for something to do.

“Everything already out,” I said with a smile. “Let’s
eat!”

“I’m starving,” he commented as we sat at the table.

After taking the first bites in silence, we were satiated enough to start a conversation.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” Ty asked hesitantly. I looked up at him quickly, putting my steak kabob back on my plate.

“No…” I emphasized slowly, “Are you?”

A relieved smile broke out on his face, “No. I am interested in someone though.”

The way his eyes devoured me as he said it,
I felt my skin heat instantly. “Is that so?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Yes. That’s so. And she has great taste in music. And her steak kabobs are delicious.”

“She sounds like a keeper,” I said with mock seriousness.

“I plan on keeping her,” Ty’s eyes held mine and my heart started racing.

A beat passed before I could speak. “Good plan,” I murmured.

Feeling the stirring deep in my belly, I looked away and took a gulp of water.
Calm down!
I commanded every nerve in my body. “When’s your birthday?” I asked, changing the subject.

“July 5
th
. I’ll be 31. When is yours?” Ty replied.

“June
10
th
. I’ll be 29,” I answered.

“
Cool. So what did you get into while I was at work?”

“
Nothing much. Cooked, cleaned, read, and listened to music. I did get an email about Wicked coming this summer though,” I offered with a shrug

“That’s cool.
I think I’ve heard of it. What’s it about?”

We talked about summer plans. I gave him need to know information about the neighborhood and other Richland fun facts. He told me about Boston and Motive.
We laughed and conversation flowed seamlessly. Our topics remained superficial, never delving into anything too deep like we had in The Diner. 

“Tell me something
personal about you Sahara Lee.”

“Uh well, I am a bit of a loner,” I said shyly.

“I gathered that. Why is that?”

“I just don’t g
et very close to people anymore.” I looked down at my salad and moved a crouton across the bowl. We were both quiet for a long time.

“Who’s Emily?”
he asked as he sipped his water.  My head snapped up at the mention of her name. I stared across the table wide eyed.

“Wait, what? What?” I repeated a little too l
oudly.

Seeming a little
put off by my reaction, Ty hesitated. His hesitation only made me more frantic.

“Baby girl,” he began, “I just—you’ve told me about different things you’ve done since being in Richland and you’ve always done them alone.
But um…when you fell asleep last night, you said the name Emily…”

“Oh God…” I pushed the last of my food away and put my head in my hands
, covering my face.

“I don’t want to upset you. I’d never want to purposely upset you. I just want—”

“Please excuse me for a second,” I choked out as I got up from the table and made my way to the blue bathroom, hoping the cold water on my face would calm me down.

Fifteen
minutes passed before I exited the bathroom. The kitchen table was cleaned, the leftovers had been put away, and dishes were in the dishwasher.
He left,
I thought as my heart fell.
You know what… maybe it’s for the best. It hurts but maybe I don’t deserve to feel—
I stopped mid thought as the front door opened. Standing in basketball shorts and a white T-shirt, Ty froze upon seeing me.

“Hi,” he said
tentatively, returning my keys to the hall console.

“Hi,” I whispered, self-consciously.
“I thought you left.”

“Oh, I could leave if you want...”
He stood by the console awaiting direction from me.

“No I don’t want you to lea
ve. I just thought that you did.” I looked everywhere but at him, knowing my inability to hide my emotions from him. I walked to the couch and sat down, pulling my feet under me. I snuck a glance over at Ty. He slowly made his way to the other end of the couch.  The silence stretched between us and I knew he was waiting for me to make the first move.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. “It’s just hard for me to talk about.”

“Sahara, look at me,” Ty said quietly. My eyes found his and they reflected the sadness I felt.  “If you don’t want to talk about it right now, you don’t have to talk about it right now. But don’t run away. Don’t shut down. I’ve been there and it doesn’t resolve anything.”

“You don’t understand,” my voice was barely a whisper.
He understands my loss but he couldn’t possibly understand how it was all my fault,
I thought sadly.

Ty slid closer to me, “Try me baby girl.”
His voice, his presence called to me on a deeper level and I wanted to open up to him. And I never opened up to anyone. 
But how do I tell someone I have feelings for that I ruin lives?
I thought miserably.

My eyes filled with tears and I fought like hell to keep them from falling.
I didn’t say anything so he took my hand into his and continued, “I have a lot of shit in my past so I get it. After my parents died, I was a handful as a kid so my grandfather got me piano lessons.  I was even more of a handful as a teenager so my grandfather got me in therapy. But when I went away to college…”

He shook his head and his mouth twisted into a pained smile. “
I always excelled in school, but because it came easy to me, I used to spend my time getting into trouble—usually alcohol related. Finally, when the other shoe dropped, it clicked everything into place. Instead of throwing myself into alcohol, I threw myself into my MBA and then work. So I get that tragic things happen in life and it’s hard to cope. And in my adult life, that’s all I’ve been doing—coping. My grandfather always wanted me to ‘live a little’ and he’d encourage me to have fun and enjoy life. Usually I tried to do whatever it was he wanted me to do to appease him. But I never felt anything but the drive to do better.  All the shit I’d been through messed me up and my grandfather told me I was using work as a crutch and he was right.  My entire adult life has always been all about my career. I’d never had a reason to want more than just career success. Until I met you yesterday and…” My chest heaved as my breathing became more ragged. It became that much harder to prevent the tears from coming.

He laughed a little, “It’s crazy that we just met
yesterday and we already have this crazy connection.”

He
gave me a shy smile and continued “I understand where you’re coming from. I get you.  I may not know specifics, but I know something is haunting you. I get that. I just want you to know that when you’re ready, you do have someone to talk to. I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned over and kissed my hand and then sat back on the couch, still holding my hand.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of information I’d just learned about the beautiful man sitting in front of me.  He just shared his thoughts and feelings, unprovoked, in order to make me more comfortable to do the same. 
Wow…wow…wow
, I thought repeatedly as I wiped the tears from my face.
I wish I could tell him but I can’t. I’m not ready to actually say the words. And I’m not ready to for him to see that side of me,
I admitted guiltily.

“I
don’t know what to say,” I said honestly as I looked at our intertwined fingers.

“That’s my whole point. You don’t have to say anything until
you’re ready,” he reassured me.

I want to tell him everything.
Just not yet. I’ve never told anyone everything and I don’t know if I can even say it, let alone take his reaction,
I thought sadly, making fresh tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and I turned all the way around on the couch to face him directly.
But there’s one thing I can be honest about.

“I’m a loner by choice. I don’
t make connections,” I paused, shifting my eyes from his face to our hands. “But I wasn’t always like this. Something happened a long time ago that changed me. I don’t—I’m not ready to talk about that yet.” 

Taking a moment to gather my courage, I continue
d, looking him in his eyes, “My point is that I haven’t allowed anyone in in a really long time.  And somehow, out of nowhere, you came along and you hit me here,” I said placing my hand over my chest. I wiped a tear away and laughed, “I’m not one of those sappy girls who believes every guy she meets is her soul mate or that it was fate that brought them together. Truly I’m not. But then I met you…and I don’t know.”

I smile
d, “You make me feel...different. You make me want to open up.  And in ten years, no one has ever made me want to open up or be vulnerable. You are the only exception. That’s what I meant by you being a game changer. I just—I don’t know how to explain it. And the more I talk, the more I’m afraid I’m going to sound out of my mind. So let me just conclude by saying, all I know is that when I’m with you, things don’t seem as dark.”