Authors: Danielle Allen
Shifting his eyes away from me and over my shoulder, I considered walking away without even turning around.
I am not ready for another awkward run in with his family,
I thought as I watched as Ben smiled but his body remained tense. I sighed and started to walk away when I heard my name.
“Sahara, this is my cousin’s girlfriend, Natalia. Natalia, this is my friend Sahara.”
I turned around and came face to face with a cute blonde with a curly, pixie cut. She looked friendly and it was refreshing to see a friendly face after the face-off between Ben and Dr. Sullivan. “Hi, how are you?” I reached my hand out to the woman.
“Hi!” Natalia screeched. “I’m great! Thank you so much for coming! There are so many people here!
Ahhh!” Her excited scream made me smile harder and her enthusiasm was infectious.
“This is Natalia and E’s show tonight. They are the artists behind all of this.” Ben gestured around the room.
“Well I’m excited to look around! From what I’ve seen so far, it looks great Natalia.”
“Thank you so much,”
she enthused, enveloping me into a hug.
“Oh!” I gasped as she squeezed me quickly and then moved on to hug Ben.
“Ben, E is looking for you. He had a run in with his aunt and uncle… Can you please talk to him? He went into the restroom and obviously I can’t go in! I mean, I will if you won’t but please!” Natalia begged, clasping her hands together and shaking them dramatically.
Ben looked at me and I nodded, “I’ll be fine. Go! Take care of your cousin.”
Ben gave me a side hug and promised, “I’ll be right back.”
Natalia and Ben walked toward the men’s restroom on the other side of the room. I walked to the first exhibit area and ran into a couple of coworkers. After enduring small talk, I quickly excused myself.
I can barely take my new friendship with Ben. I am not ready to chitchat with coworkers. I’m not there yet,
I thought ruefully as I rushed to the next exhibit area.
I started taking in the art. The work was good.
Really good,
I thought as I found myself getting lost in the art as I slowly moved around the room. Vibrant colors leaped off of the canvases. Each piece played with texture and color in a way that made me forget everything that had been plaguing me. All of my thoughts evaporated and I let the beauty in the artwork shed light on the cracks in my heart.
“This is a beautiful piece isn’t it?” Dr. Sullivan observed from beside me.
I jumped at the sound of his voice. “Oh! Dr. Sullivan!” I gasped. “You startled me. Yes, it’s beautiful. The way the green pops off of the canvas and swirls with the red and black. You can see the jealousy and anger represented.”
“Call me James,” Dr. Sullivan replied stroking his chin. He turned away from the painting to look at me. “Listen Sahara… I want to apologize for earlier. My wife and I are in the midst of a disagreement with Benjamin.”
Yeah, I gathered as much,
I thought as I offered a tight smile.
I don’t know what he wants me to say.
Dr. Edward Sullivan continued, “I’m going to advise you to keep your distance from him. I don’t want you getting hurt due to his reckless actions.”
I felt my eyebrows come together as I reflected on his warning.
What is really going on? First Ben starts acting weird and now this warning. This night is turning out to be exactly the opposite of what I needed,
I thought as I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled deeply.
“Dr. Sullivan—” I began.
“James,” Dr. Sullivan interrupted before taking a sip of his cocktail.
“James, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Ben and I are just friends. Nothing more.” I shook my head to emphasize my point.
Giving me a stern look, Dr. Sullivan said, “Sahara. Please take my advice. You shouldn’t be here. Trust me.”
We stood staring at each other for a moment. I waited for him to continue. I waited for him to give me a reason. I waited for some sort of explanation. But he gave me nothing.
Feeling the heat warm my skin in embarrassment, I squared my shoulders and forced a polite smile. “Thank you. Have a good night.”
“Sahara, this is for your own good.”
Who does he think he is?
I thought as I took in his fatherly tone that was tinged with condescension and a hardness that indicated that he was used to getting his way. The level of discomfort I felt had reached an unbearable level as he looked at me as he sipped his beverage. Keeping the forced smile in place, I responded, “Please let Ben know that I took a taxi.”
I turned on my heel and scurried through the crowded space. As quickly as possible, I exited the art show and flagged down a taxi. As I sat in the back seat, I slipped in my earbuds and got lost in my thoughts.
That was embarrassing and uncomfortable!
I groaned internally as I shut my eyes tightly.
Borderline unbearable! Why would Ben put me in that situation? And what is really going on with him? He was acting weird from the time we arrived. I haven’t known him for long but I know weird when I see it. And his father? What was going on with that? Ben and his father seemed to have a contemptuous relationship but I never would’ve gathered that from talking to Ben. And why would Dr. Sullivan warn me against Ben? My father would’ve never done anything like that! He wouldn’t have ever made me or my friends feel uncomfortable! But then again, my dad was the best. Mr. Mills would’ve never done anything like that either. He too is a good father. I bet Emanuel will— No, don’t go there,
I chastised myself as I shook my head and skipped to the next song on my playlist.
The drive didn’
t seem to take as long as I zoned out to the music. Within thirty minutes, I was in my apartment slipping off my shoes and opening a bottle of wine. Deciding that the only way to salvage the night was through chocolate, I pulled out the ingredients to make a chocolate cake. After I drowned my glass, I decided I needed music. Walking to the living room, I connected my iPod to the docking station.
When
‘Bitter’ thrummed through the open floor plan of the apartment, my finger hovered over the skip button. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand back down and let the song play. Standing in the soft glow of the floor lamps in the living room, I let the truth of the song rain down on me. The truth in the lyrics filled me with an emotional turmoil I wasn’t ready for; however, I knew I deserved.
They knew better than to get involved with me. I knew better than to let them get involved with me. I ruin everything. I broke my own heart by breaking the hearts of two of the best men I’ve ever known. I hurt Ty to the point that he never even responded to my letter from three weeks ago. And I hurt Emanuel and abandoned him in a time when he really needed me. Why do I keep doing this?
I thought, sinking deeper into the ever present sadness and loneliness of my life. My eyes watered and I shook it off.
I really need to focus
on something else. Anything else. Oh Ben! What is up with his dad? What is up with him? I need answers,
I pondered to myself as I made my way back to the kitchen. Pouring more wine into my glass, my thoughts were interrupted by a loud buzz.
“Hell
o?” I answered into the intercom after scurrying to across the room to it.
I heard giggling. “Yes. Hi Ms. Lee. This is Sarah Meister with security. You have a visitor—”
“Send him up,” I interrupted hastily.
Well now that Ben’s here, he can answer my questions live and in person,
I thought with satisfaction as I poured another glass of wine.
And maybe I won’t have that dream again tonight.
“Fake it ‘til you make it,” I toasted myself as I heard a knock at the door. Putting the milk and eggs back in the refrigerator, I took my time walking to the door. The second series of knocks caused me to roll my eyes in annoyance.
Don’t ask me to be your wing woman at an event and subject me to the antics of Dr. Edward Sullivan and then rush me to the door,
I thought as I turned off the music.
Swinging the door open, I froze. Instantly my heart tripled in speed. Wine sloshed over the rim of the glass as my arms went slack. My mouth dropped open in a mix of shock and awe.
Chapter 19
“Ty,” I breathed, wide
eyed with shock as I took him in.
“Can I come in?” His question was more of a formality as he brushed past me into my apartment. The spot on my arm where his suit jacket grazed my skin felt like I’d been sliced open with a sharp knife. Dumbfounded, I stared after him as he made his way further into the living room. Unbuttoning his jacket, he reached into an inside pocket and pulled out papers.
I couldn’t help but notice how he looked like he belonged as he stalked across the room with long strides. Recognizing the stationary with my return address on the front, I snapped out of the daze I was in and closed the front door.
Standing at the threshold of the living room, I nervously shifted my weight from one foot to the other. Still reeling from the fact that he was in my apartment, I was at a loss for words. All reasonable thought escaped me. All I could do was stare blankly at him. As the seconds ticked by, my anxiety grew.
He assessed me carefully before he spoke. “Is this true?” His voice was even, yet tired.
I looked at the papers he was fisting.
I don’t know what he’s specifically referring to, but everything I wrote was honest,
I thought as I nodded.
“All of it?” he asked.
What is he getting at? Did something else happen,
I wondered as
I nodded again.
He took a deep, seething breath. Through gritted teeth he said, “Bennett told you that I didn’t want to see you. He told you I didn’t want to talk to you.”
“Yes,” I answered slowly, not sure if those were questions or statements.
He didn’t say anything so I continued, “And I’m sorry I showed up at your job unexpectedly. It was unprofessional and I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to talk face to face. I mean, I needed to apologize face to face.”
He looked down at the letter and turned to the next page. Feeling compelled to explain myself, I started talking more rapidly. “He told me about the other women and that you were done with me. And it hurt, but I understood. I didn’t put that in the letter to deflect blame. I just wanted you to know that I knew and that I understood. The whole point of the letter was to let you know how truly sorry I am for…everything. I was wrong. I was so wrong and I’m so sorry.”
He sat down on the edge of the couch and looked down at the slightly wrinkled papers in his hands. His elbows were resting on his knees as he studied the words I wrote. Dropping his chin to his chest, he rubbed his hand down his handsome face twice. The silence stretched between us.
“I’m going to kill him,” Tyree roared standing up abruptly. His outburst was so unexpected that I flinched. “I’m going to fucking kill him!”
What is going on? Is he mad that Bennett told me about the women?
I thought, taking several steps away from him as confusion overwhelmed my senses. I wasn’t scared of him, but I’d never seen him so angry.
He seemed to remember where he was and he looked over at me and asked, “You’re telling me that you were at the hospital all week and he wouldn’t let you see me? And you called?”
His eyes flashed with anger and I was starting to put the pieces together.
He didn’t know? He didn’t know,
I realized with my mouth slightly agape.
“You didn’t know?” I marveled quietly, my eyes wide.
“Bennett had my phone because he was handling the critical stuff that needed to be taken care of for my businesses. I didn’t know you were calling. I didn’t know you were at the hospital.” He held the letter up in one clenched fist and rubbed the back of his neck with the other hand. “I didn’t know anything until I read this today.”
I should’ve known Bennett was lying. I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve done more,
I thought in angry frustration. The sadness in his eyes washed over me and all I wanted to do was go to him. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I feared the rejection.
“Wait, you just got it today? I dropped it in the Libby Lofts
mailbox three weeks ago.”
“I’ve been in Boston and
I drove back down to Richland this morning. Before the dinner rush, I decided to go to Libby Lofts and take the night off. When I checked my mail, I saw your letter. After I read it, I didn’t even think. I just got in the car, put your address in my GPS and came straight here.”
I looked into his eyes and it hurt. I was reminded of the pain I caused him over and over again. I broke eye contact and state
d, “I never expected you to be here. You were so angry with me when I went back to Richland.”
“Yes,” he replied simply. “And I’m still angry.”
I squared my shoulders and tried to meet his eyes again. “I sincerely apologize. After what we shared, I shouldn’t have left you a note and disappeared while you were in the hospital. Bennett has never liked me so I should’ve never listened. I should’ve… I should’ve handled things better. I am sorry.” The tears stung my eyes, but I bit the tip of my tongue to stop the wave of emotion that was bubbling inside of me.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me.
Even when he’s mad, he’s gorgeous,
I thought as the tension in the room rose. He licked his lips and took a step back, rubbing the back of his neck.
“You thought I never came to the hospital?” I asked quietly.
He thinks that little of me? He thinks that I would just leave and not check on him or try to see him? I know I messed up but wow. I mean, he messed up too and I wouldn’t think that of him,
I thought in irritation.
Everything is not always all my fault,
I silently quoted the mantra Dr. Summers told me and breathed deeply.
“
Bennett told me when I came out of surgery that you had shown up there with…Emanuel. And then he said you probably left with him because he hadn’t seen or heard from you since that first night,” he bit out through clenched teeth. It was obvious that even saying Emanuel’s name was difficult for him as the contempt in which he said it oozed through his pores.
“It wasn’t like that. He came up here—I…He happened to be at Libby Lofts at the same time as the police. I didn’t—I didn’t invite him. If that’s what you’re thinking,” I stumbled over my words as I tried to explain.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale,
I puffed in and out quickly as I covered my chest with my hand.
He shook his head as if he didn’t believe me.
I’m being honest. Breathe. Breathe. All I can do is be honest and that’s what I’m doing. I messed up and I’m being honest about it,
I thought as I watched him in the dimly lit room.
Everything is not always all my fault,
I silently repeated in an effort to get my breathing in control.
He ran a hand down the side of his perfect face and started,
“My focus has always been on my business. And then I met you and my priorities changed. In that short amount of time, you changed my priorities. And after a weekend with him in Georgia, you threw it all away. I don’t—”
My eyes watered as I became overcome with both sadness and anger. I burst out, “Let’s not forget the reason you were in Thomasville! I wasn’t the only one who messed up Ty!” As soon as the statement was out of my mouth, I thought,
what am I doing? I’m supposed to be apologizing for what I did and instead, I’m calling him out on stuff he already apologized for. I’m not over him hiding his connection from his past from me but this was not the way this was supposed to go!
For a full minute, the living room was eerily silent, both of us waiting for the other to make a move. I bit the tip of my tongue hard to stop the tears that threatened to fall. Although I didn’t mean to say it, I couldn’t deny how I felt and I wouldn’t let a few tears discredit that if I could help it. We stared at each other and his brown eyes gave nothing away. My breathing was coming out in inconsistent bursts and I was trembling.
Finally, he broke eye contact and turned his head to the right slightly. “Point taken,” he amended, his voice taking a gentler tone. “And again, I apologize for that whole thing. Like I told you before, I should’ve tried harder to tell you. I should’ve made you listen somehow. I should’ve done a lot of things differently.”
I agreed, “Yes. You should have.”
“And you should’ve told me that you still had feelings for him, Sahara.”
Tugging at the hem of my dress, I said, “I hadn’t seen him in ten years. I didn’t…” My sentence trailed off.
I didn’t what? I didn’t know I had feelings for him? That’s a lie. I’d loved Emanuel since the Kindergarten. Probably earlier, but those were my first memories of loving him. I can’t say I didn’t do anything because I kissed him. Well technically he kissed me, but I didn’t stop him. Our attraction is too strong and when I’m with him, I can’t fight it. I can’t say I didn’t mean to because although my intention wasn’t to spend any time with Emanuel, it was only because I thought he hated me. If I had known he didn’t, I probably—
Interrupting my thoughts, Ty said, “I’m going to ask you this once and only once be
cause it’s been bothering me. That night, when I was in the hospital, when Bennett saw you with him, did you sleep with him?
My heart pounded in my chest. “No, Ty,” I gasped. “Of course I didn’t sleep with him when you were in the hospital.”
But I did sleep with him two weeks ago,
I finished the thought as my stomach filled with lead. The familiar feelings of guilt coated my insides and made me feel hollow.
I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie,
I chanted to myself silently, willing my breathing to steady itself.
Ty’s shoulders relaxed slightly as he continued to pace the wide space of the living room. “Okay,” he exhaled.
We were both quiet before I asked, “Did you sleep with the woman in your office?” I rubbed my arms up and down.
If he did, I won’t feel so bad about my lie of omission,
I thought.
“No,” he said simply.
I am a horrible, horrible person. And an even worse girlfriend,
I concluded silently, shutting my eyes tightly for a few seconds.
He took a couple of steps in my direction before stopping and holding up the letter. “What did you hope to accomplish with this?”
Taking a deep breath, I lifted my shoulders. “I wanted to talk to you. I wanted… forgiveness? I don’t know. I just know that I wanted you to know how sorry I was. How sorry I am.”
“And now what? What’s next?” He took another few steps toward me.
“I—I don’t know…” I stammered, trailing off into silence.
What do I want?
I pondered as I watched him slowly and silently ease across the room. My breathing faltered as he got closer. Each step he took caused a flurry of emotions to well up inside me. Old and new feelings of love, hurt, regret, and guilt melded together and cemented me where I stood. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. All I could do was feel…and it hurt in a way that only love can.
“We had a good thing going, didn’t we?” he asked as he stopped directly in front of me. I had to tilt my head upward to maintain eye contact. His perfectly chiseled features and chocolate brown eyes caused the first round of butterflies to flit their way through my belly.
“Yes,” I whispered. My heart beat so fast and so loudly that I could barely hear my own thoughts. My eyes dropped to his lips.
Those perfect lips. On that perfect face,
I thought as my chest tightened.
What am I doing?
I thought as I snapped my eyes away from the sheer perfection that was his face.
I have to stop this. When I’m with Ty, I want Ty. When I was with Emanuel, I wanted Emanuel. How can I want them both? Do I want Ty so badly because Emanuel is no longer an option? And did I want Emanuel so badly because I thought Ty was no longer an option?
“I hadn’t felt what I felt for you…ever,” Ty whispered and I shivered. He put his warm hand on my shoulder and softly dragged his fingers down the
length of my arm. His touch left a trail of goose bumps and I exhaled heavily. My chest heaved as I stared into his eyes and let his words sink in.
Oh wow…wow. Even though I don’t deserve him, w
e make sense together. I was happy with him. Ty made his mistakes. Keeping things from me was a mistake…but I did the same thing to him. And on top of that, I left him while he was in the hospital. We were both wrong,
I reasoned trying to make sense of my warring emotions as I got lost in the presence.
Our attraction to each other was never the problem. Our pasts were
.
And now that Emanuel is going to be a father, my past is now just that: my past. And soon, I’ll get over him. When my heart finally realizes what my mind already knows, I’ll finally get over Emanuel Mills. And maybe apologizing and opening up to both of them worked. Maybe this is a new chapter for all of us. And maybe if Ty forgives me for my mistakes and I forgive him for his, maybe this is our do-over. If he wants to start over, we can try to start over. We—
“We both fucked up,” Ty acknowledged quietly breaking the silence and reading my thoughts. “But I know that there was a reason you were put in my life. I was so angry when I found out you had left. I knew you’d done it before, but I didn’t think that you would run away from us.” He
paused and shook his head slowly. “I admit that we latched on to each other quickly, but I don’t think it was a coincidence that we found each other. You are what my grandfather wanted me to find. You are the ‘live a little’ he referred to. You are the one thing that’s made me think about a real future that has nothing to do with business.”