Authors: Danielle Allen
“You’ve done it before
,” he muttered under his breath.
“Excuse me,”
I squeaked. “What did you say?”
“Look, tonight’s been a rough night. I don’t—”
I quickly interrupted, “Did you really just go there with me?” The alcohol swirled around with my anger causing me to scream my question into the receiver.
“Sahara, I shouldn’t have said that
. I’m sorry. Let’s just talk later.” He sounded tired and irritable, which made me even madder.
He stood me up. He forgot that he stood me up. And then, on top of all of that, he’s going to throw what happened in the past in my face,
I thought as I finished off my glass of wine.
I’m the one that deserves to be mad.
“
No! Clearly this is something you’ve wanted to say so you might as well get it out in the open!” I argued indignantly.
“All I
meant was that you and I both know that if you really wanted to up and leave, you could. I didn’t mean anything else by it.” His voice was deceptively composed. The quieter he got, the louder I wanted to be, but I restrained myself.
“The sheer fact that you said ‘you’ve done it before’
is a clear indication that you meant more by it, Tyree.”
He didn’
t say anything so I didn’t either. Tears burned my eyes during our silence. I took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down before I said something I was going to regret.
“Fair enough,” he said evenly. “This isn’t working Sahara.”
“I agree,” I replied automatically. My heart sank and my eyes instantly watered. I bit my tongue in defiance.
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry,
I chanted as my heart broke.
“I have a lot on my shoulders and long distance isn’t working for me.”
“Well, if it’s not working for you, the best thing to do is end it. Thanks for letting me know. Goodnight,” I said quietly before hanging up the phone and throwing it to the other side of the couch. My phone vibrated almost as soon as it hit the soft surface. Ty’s picture popped up as his name flashed across the screen.
Fighting the t
ears that burned my eyes and throat, I stood up and walked to the kitchen. Slipping on my apron, I put away all the food that was prepared. Dishes were put in the dishwasher and the countertops were wiped down. Satisfied with the cleanup, I removed my apron, cut off all the lights and stood between the kitchen and living room. The soft glow of the corner floor lamp was the only lighting as the opening strings of ‘Stay’ played through the speakers. And that was all it took. I curled up on the couch and cried.
Once I had stopped crying long enough to see, I picked up my phone. D
isregarding the text messages that appeared on the screen, I called Emily.
“Hey! I didn’t expect to hear from you until tomorrow!” Emily greeted when she picked up the phone.
“Are you busy Em?” I asked quietly, afraid she’d hear my voice cracking.
“No, I’m baking and waiting for Anthony to get off of work. Why are you whispering? I thought you had the big Pre-Thanksgiving dinner date going on tonight.”
“
Didn’t happen,” I cried into the phone. “He stood me up and we got into an argument about it. And then the argument turned into the moving in together argument. And when I said, I don’t want to pick up and leave. He said, it’s not like you’ve never done it before.”
“
Woah...” Emily breathed. “That was a low blow. Has he ever said anything like that before?”
“No. Never. And we’ve gotten into a few arguments over th
e course of our relationship, but he’s never thrown me leaving in my face like that. I mean, to some degree, it’s true. I’ll admit that. I did leave abruptly. And no, it wasn’t my first time. But I thought we had moved past this. I had my reasons. I thought it was for the best.”
“I know you did girl,” Emily agreed sadly. “Maybe he’s scared you’re going to do it again.”
“When I left, it was because I thought everything was my fault and I wanted to save people from me. But with Dr. Summers’ help, I understand that everything is not always my fault and I will not assume responsibility for things I didn’t do! Like tonight! He stood me up! He didn’t even remember he stood me up! And then he tried to shame me with my past!” My voice got louder with each example and my tears dried up. I wasn’t mad at Em, I just wanted her to understand.
“
I get it. Totally. And long distance relationships are hard. Did he at least apologize?”
“Yeah he did. But
then I think we broke up.”
“Oh no… people say things in the heat of the moment. Maybe you two just need to talk with clear heads.”
“He said it wasn’t working. And maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I was just kidding myself. Because really, if… if he’s still holding on to the past, how are we supposed to move forward?” Wiping the dampness from my face, I thought about what I just said. Even in my slightly inebriated state, I recognized the profoundness of my words. The silence that met me on the other end of the phone let me know that she was thinking the same thing.
I could hear her T.V. blasting loudly in the background more clearly than I could hear the classical song that was playing in my own living room. Through all that noise
, our silence only highlighted my question that dangled in the air.
If I’m having difficulty letting go of the past, how can I expect him not to?
I wondered as I stretched my legs out in front of me.
“
Okay, I’ll give you that one, Em,” I said as I pulled myself off of the couch. “You are absolutely right.” I turned off the light and the iPod.
I heard the smile through the phone. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to,” I said as I plodded to my bedroom. Quickly peeling off my dress, I climbed into bed with just my panties. “You didn’t have to say anything, but I know what you’re thinking.”
“Oh really
?”
“
But it’s not just about that. It’s also about the fact that he stood me up and then forgot that he stood me up. This was the first major holiday I planned to spend with someone. I don’t understand how he couldn’t see that! This was a big deal…and he forgot! Even with stuff coming up with work, he could’ve called to cancel. I would’ve been disappointed but at least I would’ve felt like he made an effort. And he ended things with me because of the moving in thing. Every time we see each other, he says something about it. But this time was different.”
“Well in his defense, you two practically lived together from the moment you met.”
“Circumstances are completely different now. And when I try to explain that to him, he just doesn’t get it. Maybe he doesn’t get me.”
“
What are you getting at?” Emily asked slowly.
Rearranging my pillows and pulling the covers over my head,
I said, “I don’t know. I’m just saying that he doesn’t understand me if he doesn’t understand why I can’t move right now. Long distance relationships are hard. Too hard. Maybe he was right to end it before it went any further than it already has.”
We were both quiet for a minute and I felt myself slipping closer to sleep.
“Sahara, honey. Are your eyes closed?”
“
Mmm hmm,” I answer affirmatively as I dozed off.
“
Okay well I want you to hear this and then go to bed. A long time ago, my mom told me that the relationships that you want to work, you must work on. Sleep on that okay?”
“
Mmm hmm.”
“Goodnight!”
“Night Em,” I whispered before passing out.
When I woke up hours later, the sun was bursting into my bedroom. I looked at the clock in shock. It was 9am.
I actually had 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep? That’s crazy,
I thought as I flipped over and grabbed my phone. I had three missed calls and two text messages.
Tyree Bar
ker: Pick up the phone!
Tyree Barker: Are you awake?
I put the phone back down and sighed. Turning my head to look out the window, I thought,
Happy Thanksgiving,
before I got up and ready for the day. For the last ten years, my Thanksgiving celebration would consist of lots of junk food and movies. I had the meal I cooked the night before, but I didn’t have the junk food I needed to get through a major holiday.
I didn’t have time to stop to get it last night because I was rushing to get home to celebrate with Ty,
I thought in annoyance, purposely ignoring the tug at my heart at the memory of our fight.
By 10
am I was showered and dressed in a pair of dark denim skinny jeans, Ty’s grey New England Patriots hoodie and my workout sneakers. I put my wallet, keys, and phone in the front pocket of the hoodie. Sticking my earbuds in my ears, I hit play and opened the door. No one was in the elevator when I got in so I started humming the song that was in my head since it played last night. Searching my playlist until I found it, I hit play and exited the elevator. When I looked up, I froze.
“What are you doing here?” I questioned him with a mix of shock and surprise.
Chapter 25
“Hello to you too,” Ben quipped back. Standing in a lavender button up and black slacks, he looked like my complete opposite. I pushed the sleeves of the oversized hoodie up before I crossed my arms.
“What are you doing here, Ben?” I repeated, finally moving away from the elevator. I hadn’t seen Ben since I found out who his mother was and subsequently ended our friendship. We had talked over the phone twice after that and each time he maintained that I was overreacting instead of apologizing and recognizing he was wrong. In speaking about the situation with Dr. Summers, I realized that the only person I can control is me. Since my expectation for an apology wasn’t being met and there was nothing I could do about it, I had to make a decision on what I wanted out of the relationship based on what I was being given at that time. As a result of my self-reflection, our last conversation was indeed our last conversation.
“I was in the neighborhood and I needed to stop by before I went home for Thanksgiving. I was going to call, but after our last conversation, I didn’t know if you’d answer. I thought I had a better chance just showing up. I just arrived. I—Have you talked to my mother?”
“Not in a couple weeks, why?”
“When I called her to see if she wanted me to bring anything, she asked about you. She asked me if I came to my senses yet,” he chuckled.
“And did you?”
“Look, for what it’s worth, I do apologize.”
What’s the catch?
I wondered as I squinted my eyes, glaring at him suspiciously.
Where’s this coming from?
“You apologize?” I asked skeptically.
“Yes. I apologize. Mother won’t admit it, but she thinks I’m a sod of a son for what I’ve done and because I’ve yet to apologize. I’d like to put this whole thing behind us.”
The apology was half-assed, but coming from Benjamin Sullivan, it may be the best he can do,
I thought with pursed lips.
And if I can be forgiven for the things that I’ve done, I should be able to forgive others.
I looked at him blankly for a minute. His face was expressionless, but his eyes were sparkling with amusement.
“You’re an arse, you know that?” I pointed my finger into his chest as I said it. “Apology accepted.”
“Because you accepted my apology, I will forgive your horrid accent,” he laughed as he scooped me up in a bear hug. Lifting me from the ground and shaking me.
“Okay, okay, okay…put me down,” I complained lightheartedly as I struggled to get out of his grasp.
“What’s going on here?” The voice came from behind me and everything else in the lobby stopped cold.
I tore myself from Ben’s hug and whipped around to face Ty. The few people milling around the lobby blatantly stared at the two good looking men. Ty’s model good looks and impeccable style were showcased in his grey designer suit.
“Ty!” I gasped loudly when our eyes met.
“Sahara,” Ty said evenly, looking at Ben and then back at me stone-faced.
“Hey,” I whispered. I gaped at Ty with my mouth open unable to formulate my thoughts. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you,” Ty answered in his deceptively quiet way. “But I see that you are busy.” His jaw clenched and he barely masked the scowl that graced his beautiful features.
“I’m not busy,” I said quickly. Ty’s eyes moved from mine and landed on Ben.
“Uh… I have a few more errands to run so I am going to leave you two alone to chat,” Ben announced, before turning on his heel and walking to the front door.
I didn’t acknowledge Ben’s exit. I didn’t acknowledge anyone in the lobby. With my hands buried in the pockets of Ty’s hoodie, my eyes were glued to Ty as I tried to gauge his reaction. His brows furrowed and he shook his head slightly.
“It’s not what you think,” I clarified. I licked my lips and prepared to explain further.
“And what is it that I think?” Ty asked.
“I don’t know. I just don’t want you to think anything was going on with me and Ben.” I looked around and took a step closer.
If we are about to have it out, I’d at least like some privacy,
I thought sullenly. “Can we talk upstairs?”
Without a word, Ty walked to the elevator. Three people were getting onto the elevator when we joined them. They were loudly discussing their Thanksgiving plans. Ty and I stood side by side silently and watched the numbers increase until we got to my floor. The tension in his body was palpable.
I opened the door and entered my apartment. After letting him walk past me, I closed and locked the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, I turned to face him. He was taking off his jacket and I watched as his muscles pulled against the material of his white shirt. Although I didn’t know what to expect in the conversation to come and my intuition told me things were going to go from bad to worse, I couldn’t stop my body’s reaction to him and my breath hitched.
Thoughts flooded my mind.
I need to explain myself. I mean, I didn’t do anything wrong, but it looked bad. Didn’t it? Especially after our fight last night. I should tell him that Ben and I were friends…well are friends now… God, why didn’t I ever tell him about Ben? Oh right because Ben and I stopped being friends so there was no reason to tell him about—
“Who was that?” Ty interrupted my thoughts with a tired sigh from his seated position on the couch. He took his hands and rubbed down his face twice before clasping his hands together in front of him.
If he wasn’t done before, he’s done now,
I thought, preparing myself for the inevitable end. “That was Ben. We became friends—”
“I thought you didn’t make friends.”
I shifted my body from one foot to the other as I stood on the threshold of the living room. The desire to explain myself became overwhelming. Although his hardened face was expressionless, his eyes betrayed him. Instead of the anger that was there in the lobby, I saw hurt. “I usually don’t. But we truly are just friends. He’s Deborah Jones’ son. You remember me telling you about Deborah? My old supervisor, Deborah? The hug was completely platonic,” I pleaded with him because I couldn’t stand seeing the hurt in his eyes.
The last thing I ever want to do is cause him any more pain,
I thought as I waited for his response.
He was quiet and I could almost see the wheels turning in his head as he processed the information. “I came here because I was worried about you. You weren’t responding to my calls or messages. The way we got off the phone…” He shook his head slowly. “It just seemed like we needed to talk face to face.”
We could’ve talked in person if you would’ve been here like we planned,
I thought unexpectedly. The thought immobilized me momentarily before I nodded in acknowledgement of what he had just said.
“I’m not the jealous type Sahara. But I wanted to beat the shit out of your friend when his hands were on you.” He said friend as if it left a bad taste in his mouth.
The knots of worry that riddled my body instantly turned into butterflies when his eyes met mine.
The possessiveness in his eyes made my nipples harden instantly. Even in the midst of the issues we were having in our relationship, his mere presence spoke to my body.
I had to take a deep breath before I could speak. “It was nothing,” I whispered, making my way to the couch. I sat down next to him and looked down at my sneakers. I wanted to say I would never do that to him, but after what happened in June with Emanuel, I didn’t feel right saying it.
I wish I could assure him that I wouldn’t do that to him. Not again anyway,
I thought guiltily.
But I don’t know how credible that would sound after this summer.
I could feel him staring at me. The couch dipped slightly as I felt him turn his body toward me. I turned my head to look at him as he said, “I have to be back at Jimmy’s in...” He looked at his watch before continuing, “less than four hours.”
Of course,
I thought as I heaved a sigh. “And with the drive, you only have an hour before you have to go,” I pointed out.
“I know. But like I said, we needed to talk in person.” He paused before he said, “
I didn’t like the way things ended last night.”
“I didn’t either,” I admitted quietly.
“And I didn’t like showing up here and seeing you with someone else,” he continued.
I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded.
Reaching out, Ty trailed his finger down my cheek and under my chin. He held my gaze for a beat before he spoke. “I love you.”
My heart rate spiked at his words
. Combined with the sensation of him touching me, I felt the flush of heat warm my body. “I love you too, Ty.”
“I want this to work.”
“I do too.”
“So move in with me.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. The heat that I just felt cooled considerably. “Ty…”
“Look at me, baby girl,” he commanded. I opened my eyes slowly at his request. “Give me a reason why.”
“I’ve given you reasons why. You just aren’t hearing me. The stuff I have going on is important too,” I complained softly, my eyes starting to water slightly.
Why doesn’t he understand?
I wondered.
I don’t want to keep having this same argument.
“
I agree. It is,” Ty amended. “I just don’t want to have to choose between you and work. I need Jimmy’s to be successful. It’s in my grandfather’s honor. He didn’t fail and I won’t let anything carrying his namesake fail either. And I believe my grandfather wanted me to find you. I love you and I don’t want this relationship to fail.”
Putting my hand on his leg, I said, “Well let’s not let it fail.”
Giving me a sad smile, he put his larger hand over top of mine. He watched his thumb stroke the back of my hand a couple of times before he said, “The distance will kill both this relationship and Jimmy’s growth. And Jimmy’s won’t fail. That’s not an option.” Moving his hand back to my face, he lightly traced his fingers up my jawline and around the shell of my ear. His eyes followed his finger and my watery eyes followed his.
If I don’t uproot my life for him, we’re done?
I wondered in devastation.
I don’t understand. We’ve been making this work. Is it as convenient as it was when we both lived in Libby Lofts? No. But I thought we were making it work. Or at least, I was making it work. I can’t just leave. Even if Ty is perfect for me, I can’t just stop therapy with Dr. Summers. I can’t move in with him and quit the job I’m growing to love. I can’t just uproot my life again. Can I?
“What are you saying?” I asked with baited breath.
“I’m saying that I won’t let Jimmy’s fail. And I’m saying that our fight last night started because I missed a dinner that I wouldn’t have missed if we were living together.”
“Ty—”
Inching closer to me, Ty interrupted in a low tone, “I’m saying that I miss you when I’m not with you. And that I don’t want us to be apart anymore. And that I want you to move in with me.”
“What happens to us if I say no?”
“You can’t say no,” he said simply.
“I can’t
move in with you, Ty.” My voice wavered unconvincingly.
“Yes. You. Can.”
Each word he spoke brought his mouth closer to mine and I had to close my eyes. His minty breath tickled my face as he exhaled. Running my tongue along my bottom lip slowly, I was hyperaware of how close he was to kissing me. All I wanted in that moment was to feel his lips on mine.
“Please baby girl,” Ty whisper
ed, the slight brush of his lips against mine jolted me. “Just think about it. Please. Please.”
The
fluttering in my stomach bottomed out and desire spread through me.
He knows how much I love it when he begs,
I thought as his fingers just barely tugged at my earlobe. With my eyes closed, the anticipation heightened my senses. He wasn’t kissing me and he was barely touching me, yet I was so turned on. I opened my eyes and when our eyes locked, I was likely to agree to almost anything.