Back To Us (19 page)

“But you didn’t.”

“I love him.” I paused trying to collect my thoughts. “You know the funny thing is his legs and PTSD don’t really bother me. I mean I feel bad about what he went through and all, but the way your mother treats me is harder to deal with than anything else.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

It was a nice offer, but I wasn’t sure it would make much of a difference. “You know what? I really am freezing. Do you mind if I head back without you?”

“No, go ahead. I’ll see you at the house later.”

I practically ran back to Justin’s building eager to escape the cold. The doorman remembered me from earlier and just waved as I walked past him and onto the elevator. As I approached the door to Justin’s apartment, I heard voices. Justin’s and his mother’s. The closer I got to the door the clearer they became.

“You need to lay off, Mom. I’m not kidding.”

“I’m just trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need you to protect me, and even if I did, I don’t need to be protected from Jessica. She’s my girlfriend, we love each other.”

“You mean you love her, and she loves your money.”

I sucked in my breath, shocked that Justin’s mother would say that about me. She barely knew me. There was a moment of silence after that. A part of me felt like running, another part of me felt like I needed to hear the rest of their conversation.

“I’m going to pretend you did not just say that.” The anger in Justin’s voice was impossible to miss, even through the closed door.

“What do you even know about that girl? For all you know she could be planning on sending our money back to her family in whatever country she’s from.”

“What I know is that she’ll be back any second now and I don’t want her hearing any more bullshit from you.”

How was I going to face Justin’s mother after those words? Sure, she hadn’t said them to me, but I’d heard them, and there was no taking that back.

I ran back towards the elevator and when it opened I got on and rode it back downstairs, then all the way back to Justin’s floor. I did that two more times and even though I was still hurt and angry I knew I had to go back to Justin’s. If Jeff came back without me, Justin would demand to know where I’d been, and I wasn’t ready to talk about what I’d heard his mother say.

I had no idea how things between me and Justin were ever going to work out when his mother hated me as much as she did. I knew she wasn’t my biggest fan, but I never thought she took me for a gold digger. It was so crazy, too, because Justin was always insisting on taking me to fancy places and buying me beautiful presents, and I was always telling him it was too much. If anything I wished Justin had less money, so I didn’t always feel so inadequate around him.

I knocked on the door to Justin’s apartment. He opened it with a smile, not a trace of the anger I’d heard in his voice earlier remained. It was as if the conversation he’d had with his mother hadn’t taken place, except that it had.

“I made you some hot chocolate,” Justin said as he helped me out of my coat. He craned his neck as if he were looking for something. “Where’s Jeff?”

“Jeff?” I asked before I remembered that the two of us were supposed to be walking together. “I was getting cold so I came back without him. I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”

We made our way to the living room. I took the mug Justin handed to me, but couldn’t bring myself to take even a sip. I felt sick to my stomach. Mrs. Lambert’s insults rang in my ears. The last time someone’s words had stung me so much was when they’d come from my father, and he was the last person I liked to be reminded of.

A few minutes passed, though it felt like hours. “You know what?” I said, standing up from the couch. “It’s getting late.”

“Already?” Justin asked.

“Yeah well, I’m kind of tired.”

“Let me bring you home.”

“No need. I can take the train. It’ll be hard to find a taxi on Christmas Eve.” Justin followed me to the doorway. He grabbed my arm as I reached for my coat.

“What’s going on? “

“I’m just not feeling that well.”

“I’m going with you then.”

“No!” I said it a little too loudly. I lowered my voice to just above a whisper. “Your mother is going to hate me even more than she already does. I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Is everything all right?” Justin’s mother strolled into the foyer.

“Yes, everything’s fine. I’m going to bring Jess home and then I’ll be back.”

“It’s not a good night to be out Justin. You know people like to get drunk on the holidays.”

“I told him I can get home on my own just fine.” I was still trying to extend an olive branch even after what I heard her say earlier.

“Well, I suppose you do have an incentive to make sure he’s all right.” Her tone was acerbic and again I was left to wonder exactly what she meant by her words.

“I’ll see you later.” I kissed Justin on his cheek and headed for the elevator. He stood in the doorway staring at me like he wasn’t sure what to do. I waved as the elevator arrived and opened its doors.

When I made it to the lobby I practically ran outside of Justin’s building. Despite how fast I was walking I barely made it halfway down the block when I heard Justin calling my name. I didn’t feel like talking, but I didn’t want to make him run after me, so I stopped and turned and waited for him.

“You should be with your family,” I said after he caught up to me.

“I want to be with you.”

“Please, Justin. Just go back home.” I felt tears bubbling inside me and wanted to get as far away from Justin as I could before I let them out.

Justin reached into his coat and pulled out a small box and handed it to me. “You forgot your present.”

“I don’t need any more presents from you, you’ve already given me too much.”

“For God’s sake, Jess, it’s Christmas. Take the present.”

I reached for it and held it in my hand. Justin and I were supposed to be exchanging presents privately later so my sudden announcement that I was going home had probably come as a big surprise.

“Thank you.” I tucked the present into my coat pocket. “It’s cold out here, you should get back inside.” I turned around, but as I walked away I could feel Justin’s eyes on me. He didn’t try to stop me, but I knew him well enough to realize that he was probably worried and upset so I texted him just before I got back home to let him know I was all right.

My apartment was freezing and painfully quiet. I turned my space heater up to high, took a hot shower and crawled into bed feeling numb. I never had been very good at letting things people said about me roll off my back. Mike and some of my friends told me I was too sensitive, and I knew they were right, but I couldn’t help it. After the life I’d had, I should have built a tougher shell, but I hadn’t.

In the morning I still felt awful. Justin had already called and left a message. I stared at the box he’d given me the night before, it lay unopened on my dresser. Finally, I picked up my phone to call him.

“Can I come see you?” Justin asked.

“Did you open your present?” I’d left it in his apartment.

“Not yet. I was still sort of hoping we could open our presents together.”

“I’d like that. Mine’s still unopened, too.” I still hated spending time in my apartment with Justin, but it was Christmas and even in New York most places were closed, and it was too cold to be outside. I wasn’t about to go back to his house, so that left only one option. “You can come over, if you like.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Which meant I needed to get myself out of bed and into the shower and then find something to wear. “My place is a mess,” I said as I opened the door and let him in less than an hour later. It was always a mess, even after I cleaned, but there wasn’t much I could do about that.

“You know I don’t care.”

“I bet your mother would care. She’d probably have a heart attack if she saw my apartment.”

“She’d have a heart attack if she saw a lot of things, but I’m not my mother.” Justin had brought coffee and croissants with him. He took a bite of his breakfast and looked at me. “Is that why you practically ran out of my apartment yesterday? Did my mother say something to you?”

“She hates me.” I bit the inside of my cheek and tried not to think about the hateful words I’d overheard her say.

“The way she acts has nothing to do with you, Jess. She thinks she’s protecting me.”

“It must be nice,” I said, hearing the bitter in my voice. “Of course I wouldn’t really know since I’ve never had anyone care enough to want to protect me.”

“I care.” When I didn’t respond Justin reached for my hand. “You believe that, don’t you?”

“You’re my boyfriend, it’s different.”

“I’m not enough?”

Of course Justin didn’t get it, why would he? He might have gone through a lot in Afghanistan and after he got home, but it was different than what I’d struggled with my whole life. His scars you could see, mine weren’t visible, but they were still there.

“It’s not that you’re not enough, it’s just that. . .well I already told you, Christmas is hard.”

“But you’re not alone anymore. We’re together now, and last night. . .”

“Last night was a disaster, Justin. It was Christmas Eve and your mother made me feel like she didn’t even want me in her home.”

“Because she doesn’t know the real you. Once she does things will be different.”

“No. I don’t think so. In fact I’m pretty sure if she knew the real me, she’d lock you in your bedroom and never let you come out.”

“That’s not true.”

There was no point in arguing with Justin. He didn’t want to see the truth, and I wasn’t going to be able to make him. It was Christmas and the last thing I felt like doing was getting into an argument with Justin about his mother so I buried what I was feeling.

Justin had brought the present I’d left at his house with him. It rested on the table. I pushed the box towards him. “I want you to open your present first.”

He reached for it hesitantly, held it to his ear and shook it.

I laughed. “Just open it.”

Justin smiled and tore the wrapping paper off. As I watched him I couldn’t help but think that even in the way we opened presents we were different. I never tore wrapping paper off gifts, I always opened them carefully so I could save the paper for another time. When you had as much money as Justin did, that was probably not even a consideration.

“Do you like it?” I asked as Justin took the top off the box and reached inside for the long sleeved tee and fleece workout pants I’d bought. “I know it’s not much, but you look real nice in blue, and I thought for work these would be perfect.”

“They are perfect, and I love them.” Justin leaned towards me and kissed me.

“You’re sure? Because I still have the receipt and you can exchange them for something you like better if you want.”

“No. I’m not exchanging them, I love them,” Justin said. “Now it’s your turn to open your present.”

I headed to my bedroom to retrieve the box Justin had given me the night before and then rejoined him in the kitchen.

“Open it.”

Inside the box was a platinum linked watch. I held it in my hands, my mouth open in awe as I took notice of the designer’s name etched onto the face of the watch. 

“It’s so. . .nice.” My description was woefully inadequate. “You shouldn’t. . .”

“Don’t tell me I shouldn’t have. Just tell me you love it, that’s all I want to hear.”

“I love it.” I leaped into his arms. It wasn’t even the gift, it was knowing that Justin cared so much about making me happy that meant the most.

“I actually have one more thing for you.” Justin eased me off his lap and got up to pull another box out of the inside pocket of his coat. He handed it to me, it was unwrapped so I knew right away what it was. “Justin! This is too much,” I said as I stared at the box. He knew I loved to read and he’d bought me a mini tablet. I’d wanted one for a long time, but it wasn’t something I would have ever been able to afford.

“You can bring it with you everywhere, because it’s got a data plan.”

“Oh my God, Justin. I can’t believe this.” I hugged him again.

“Just tell me you’re happy, Jess.”

I held Justin’s chin in one hand and then kissed him hard and deep. “I’m happy.”

“I felt so bad after you went home last night, because I knew you were upset, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“I wasn’t mad at you.”

“I knew why you were mad. After I got home, I talked to my mother again. So did my dad and my brothers.”

“I don’t want to talk about that anymore.” I kissed Justin again and again.

“Oh, Jess. You don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

“Actually, I do.”

Mike had proposed to Mel or at least he was about to. If there was ever a time I was sure he wasn’t going to walk in on me and Justin it was now. Justin kissed me back. He grabbed my hair with his hands and pressed me closer to him until I felt myself melt the way I always did when Justin had his hands on me. Somehow the two of us wound our way into my bed. I climbed on top of Justin and made love to him until his body shook with pleasure.

We spent the rest of the day in bed and by the time Justin left later that evening my Christmas had turned out to be the best I’d ever remembered having. 

I didn’t see my brother again until a few days after New Year. He came home one afternoon while I was busy sweeping the kitchen. He walked inside and I stood there staring at him, waiting for him to say something while he filled the freezer with a few quarts of his favorite Ben and Jerry’s flavors.

“What?” he said after noticing me staring.

“Don’t what me.” I put my hands on my hips. “I want to know what Mel said, and don’t leave anything out.”

“She says a lot of things,” Mike replied. He was smiling so I knew he was toying with me. I swatted him with the broom. “Hey, careful with that broom. You sweep that over my feet and I’ll never get married.”

“I didn’t sweep it over your feet. And stop changing the subject,” I said. “I want to know everything.”

“Everything?” My brother cocked an eyebrow at me.

“No.” I groaned. “I don’t want to know about that. But I want to know everything else.”