Authors: Lauren Rowe
“That’s so fucking gross, though,” Dax says.
“Yeah. I was pretty skeeved out.”
“Why?” Fish asks, looking stoned outta his mind. “She wasn’t hot?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “I’m not gonna fuck some producer to get a job, hot or not. She coulda looked like Kate Upton and I woulda turned her down.”
“Oh, fuck. She looked like Kate Upton?” Fish asks.
“No,” I say. “
Not even the tiniest bit
.”
We all laugh.
“Well, then, you can’t know for sure what you would have done if she did,” Fish says, his tone indignant.
“Touché, Fish Taco,” I say.
“Jeez. Welcome to Hollywood, huh?” Dax says, taking another hit off the joint and handing it to Colin.
“Yeah,” I say. “Nice town.”
Colin takes a hit and offers me the joint. “Here, Peenie Baby. Numb the pain of the casting couch.”
I wave him off. “I’m good. I’ve got a big audition tomorrow morning before I head to the airport. I gotta be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when the sun comes up, son.”
“What’s the audition?” Colin asks.
“Feature film. They’re doing a black version of
Magic Mike
—a total rip-off—and they’re gonna have one token white guy on the stripper-brigade.”
“Is it a speaking part?” Dax asks.
“Yeah, I’d have a couple lines. Plus, I’d be in the background a ton and in some group dance numbers. But my agent said it’s the kind of thing if I impress the director enough, he might throw me a couple more lines or give me a little extra screen time. Never know what it might turn into. Either way, I’d get my SAG card out of it. Good opportunity for a first-timer, for sure.”
“What’s a SAG card?” Colin asks.
“Screen Actors Guild. My agent says it’s hard to get. I guess it’s a big deal.”
“Cool,” Dax says. “So what’d everyone think about your blue hair today?”
“They liked it, believe it or not, especially when I told them why I did it.”
Dax laughs. “Only you could turn that shit into a positive.”
“Just part of my dazzling personality,” I say, flashing my dimples. “They think the hair is part of my
steez
.”
We all laugh.
“You wanna hear something crazy?” I say. “Those Ball Peen Hammer videos I showed you—the ones Maddy did? That’s why all these casting directors wanna see me. They think I’m some sort of quasi-celebrity or whatever.”
“Emperor’s New Clothes, man,” Dax says, taking another hit on the joint. “Maddy totally styled you, bro.”
“She sure did,” I say. “She’s amazing.” My chest tightens.
Maddy
.
I’ve been so focused all day on being Ball Peen Hammer with extra sauce, schmoozing and charming and winning people over, I haven’t had a chance to text her even once. No, wait, that’s not true. That’s just the bullshit story I tell myself so I won’t feel like a total prick for ignoring her. The truth is I didn’t text Maddy today because I’m a prick and a coward and Sunday night freaked me the fuck out.
“Hey, you guys got any beer?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Colin says. He gets up and shuffles to the kitchen.
“Maddy was over here looking for you earlier,” Dax says.
My heart squeezes in my chest. “Yeah, I gotta talk to her. We got some unfinished business.”
“She looked pretty bummed,” Dax says. “She was asking if I’d heard from you about your auditions.”
I bite my lip. God, I’m such a prick. Why haven’t I been straight with her? I should have let her down easy on Monday morning, straight up, rather than stringing her along for the past two days like a complete asshole.
“You fucked her, didn’t you?” Dax says evenly.
Colin hands me a beer.
“Thanks,” I say. I look at Dax. “Yeah. Sorry, Baby Brother. I tried to adhere to your ridiculous ‘off-limits’ designation as long as humanly possible, but it just couldn’t be avoided. Can’t escape gravity, son.”
“You’re such an asshole, Keane,” Dax says, swigging his beer. “I declared her ‘off-limits.’ That shit would have meant something to a man of actual
character
.”
“Fuck you, I’ve got character coming out my asshole, douchebag. No sane man woulda heeded your off-limits designation—it was total chicken shit.”
“It wasn’t chicken shit. The girl lives across the hall from me. Now I gotta sit here and watch her poke stickpins into her blue-haired voodoo doll for the next six months ’til we go on tour. Plus, Hannah’s gonna be pissed as hell at me, which means there’s gonna be shade from Henn, too.”
“You’re high,” I say.
“Yeah, actually.”
“No, I mean, you’re on crack. First off, nobody in their right mind would blame you for your brother being a total dick. The fact that you even think that reveals the depth of your egomania to an alarming degree and I think you should get that checked by a psychiatrist. You might have a legit personality disorder, brah. And second off, I know for a fact Hannah doesn’t give a shit what Maddy and I do. Why do you think she’s been sleeping at Henn’s since I got here?”
“Seriously?”
“Doy-burgers, dumbshit. And, third off, Reed himself told me he doesn’t give a shit about me fucking Maddy, so quit thinking you’re the center of the universe. Nobody gives a shit about you but you, Rock Star. Get over yourself.”
“What do you mean Reed told you... Oh my fuck, Keane
. You talked to Reed about Maddy?”
“Yeah. He said he couldn’t give two shits if I fucked her.”
“Oh fuck.
Please
tell me you’re joking about telling Reed.”
“Not joking. I talked to him right before he told you guys about the tour.” I swig my beer. “I was like, ‘Hey, if I were to fuck the little sister of your best friend’s girlfriend—and then if I were to screw things up and make her hate my guts—would you give a shit?’ He thought I was insane, I’m pretty sure.” I laugh.
Colin chuckles. “You’re hilarious, Peenie. I love you, man.”
“I love you, too, Colin,” I say. “I’ve always loved you the most of all my brother’s friends, you know that, right?”
“
Hey
,” Fish says. “Fuck you.”
“See? That’s exactly why I
don’t
love you the most, Fish Head. You’re just plain mean.”
Fish flips me off.
“Peen’s not
hilarious
,” Dax says. “He’s
penile
. That’s why we call him
Peen
. Goddammit, Keane. You’re such an idiot, you know that? Why’d you say that shit to Reed? Now he’s gonna think I’m a paranoid head case.”
“Which you are.” I swig my beer. “Whatever, Rock Star. Don’t stress it. The guy loves you. Just don’t fuck his mom, sister, or girlfriend—or anyone he’s even
remotely
thinking about fucking—and you’ll be golden all the livelong day.”
Dax shakes his head and sips his beer. “I’m too stoned to get pissed at you at the moment, but I’m gonna get super-duper pissed at you tomorrow, I swear to God. Might even pummel your face.”
“Fine,” I say. “Whatever. Pummel away. Let the whole world pummel my face, I don’t give a shit. Life already whacked me across the face with a two-by-four and knocked out half my teeth. Take your best shot.”
Colin pats me on the back. “Poor Peenie Baby.”
“Fuck Peen,” Dax says.
“Aw, be nice to your big brother,” Fish says, sipping his beer. “He looks sad.”
Dax rolls his eyes. “I don’t care. He’s a twat.”
“I thought he was a
penis
,” Colin says. “Make up your mind—is Peen a twat or a penis?”
“Hey, maybe he’s a
hermaphrodite
,” Fish says, pronouncing that last word with great care, and everyone but me laughs their asses off.
“What’s going on, bro?” Dax asks when it’s clear I’m not amused.
I don’t reply.
“Is it Maddy?” Dax asks.
I nod.
“You really like her, don’t you?”
I nod again.
“Well, that’s good, right?”
“No. It’s terrible.”
“How could that possibly be terrible?”
“Because we have this amazing...
connection
. Like, oh my God. Incredible.” I roll my eyes. “But I can’t handle it. It’s too intense. Too much, too soon. She’s all-in, brah. She’s... really attached. I can’t deliver what she wants. I got a life to live and flipping out over some smart girl who lives in L.A. doesn’t fit in with the game plan.”
Dax scoffs. “You’re so fucking predictable. This is
exactly
what I said would happen.”
“No, it’s not,” I say. “You thought I’d fuck her for sport and piss her off and make her hate me. But I’m not fucking her for sport, I swear to God. I
really
like her, Dax.” I feel my cheeks blushing crimson. “I’m making her hate me, yeah, but not the way you thought I would.”
Dax exhales. “You like her, Peenie. That’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a sign you’re ready to move on from all the doom and gloom and pull your head out of your ass, you know? Maybe it’s time for you to stop acting like a total douche now.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m handsome and happy all the livelong day. What I’m saying is I’m too happy with my life to change a goddamned thing about it.”
Dax shakes his head. “Keane, she’s obviously into you. You should have seen her when she came in here asking about you. You’re sure you’re not feeling it with her?”
“No, I
am
. It’s just that I’m Ball Peen Hammer. Don’t you understand?”
Dax shakes his head.
I exhale with exasperation. “I can barely stand to be away from her, and when I’m near her, I gotta touch her every second or else I feel like I’m gonna
die
. It’s not normal how much I wanna touch her. And I’m not even talking about sex—I just gotta hold her hand or touch her hair or rub her thigh or I else feel like I’m gonna
explode
.” I rub my face. “She looks at me with those big brown eyes of hers and I melt. And worst of all, the thing that’s the absolute worst, is how guilty I feel if I even
look
at another woman. Shit, Dax! I couldn’t even flirt with any of the hot chicks at my auditions today because I felt like I was cheating on her somehow—
and I’m a guy who makes his living making women want to fuck me!
How the fuck can I make the horny pickles wanna hurl themselves outta their jars at me when I’m feeling like this? It doesn’t pencil.” I’m rambling—I know I am—but I can’t stop myself. “I just met her, Dax. I barely know her. She could be planning to chop me up and put my parts into six trash bags, for all I know.” My mind is reeling. My chest is heaving. I had no intention of saying all that. I rub my face. “Feelings this intense and fast can’t possibly be real. It’s just not normal.”
There’s a long beat.
Fish is wearing a facial expression I’d label as, “
sucks to be you
,” but Colin and Dax are looking at me with nothing but sincere sympathy.
“Colin, hand me one of those beers,” I grit out, my jaw muscles pulsing.
Colin hands me a bottle. “Numb the torturous pain of love, Peenie Weenie.”
I take a long guzzle of my beer. “I can’t make it work,” I say, filling the silence. “I’m fucked.”
“I guess that depends on your definition of ‘fucked,’” Dax says. “Because it sure sounds to me like you’re the opposite of fucked.”
“What’s the opposite of ‘fucked’?” Colin asks.
“
Fuuuuucked
,” Fish offers suggestively, a smirk on his face, and everyone but me laughs.
I sip my beer, my pulse pounding in my ears, but I don’t speak.
“I totally knew you fucked her, by the way,” Dax says. “The minute I met Maddy, I knew it.”
“Well, that’s not exactly a psychic phenomenon,” Colin says. “Keane and Maddy haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other since they got here. They haven’t been what I’d call ‘
discreet
.’”
“No, I mean, before they got all hands-y. I’m talking about when I very first opened my front door and laid eyes on Maddy, I knew. I was like, ‘Oh, boy, he fucked her.’”
“Ha! Well, guess what, Millionaire Matchmaker?” I say. “You were dead wrong about that. When Maddy and I first arrived, we hadn’t even fucked yet.”
“Semantics. I’m saying I saw her and instantly knew it was a done deal, one way or another.”
“And how’d you know that, genius? Just because she’s a pickle? Because I’ll have you know I’m very
selective
.”
“No, dumbshit, because she’s
exactly
your type.”
I’m flabbergasted. “What are you talking about? Maddy’s not my type. She’s the complete
opposite
of my type.”
“No, I’m not talking about all the Barbies and Bambis you’ve been ‘hunting’ lately to numb the pain of your tortured soul. I’m talking about your
real
type of girl—from before you became a complete douche.” He snaps his fingers. “Who was that girl who used to live across the street from us? Oh man, that girl
owned
your ass. Remember her? I’ve never seen you so into a girl before or since—well, until now, that is.”
“Kelsey,” I say softly, the hairs on my arms standing on end.
“That’s right.
Kelsey Kerrington
. Nothing like your first love, right, bro? Maddy reminds me of her. Curvy. Sweet. Girl next door. Kind of snarky but not too edgy. Your type on a silver platter, right down to those little freckles on her nose.”
My heart lurches in my throat.
Holy shit
.
“Yup,” Fish says, swigging his beer. “We’ve all got our types, huh? It’s like we’re all just avatars of ourselves.”
“What?” Colin says, chuckling.
“Hey, Keane,” Dax says softly.
My eyes train on my baby brother, but I can’t speak.
“Go across the hall and talk to her, man,” Dax continues. “When Maddy came over earlier, she looked pretty rough. At the very least, give that poor girl some verbal duct tape for her heart, because I’m pretty sure it’s shattering right about now.”
“Oh, that’s a sick lyric,” Colin says. “Fish, write that shit down. ‘Verbal duct tape for her heart.’”
I exhale. Dax is right. It’s time for me to nut up and tell Maddy this friends-with-benefits thing isn’t working for me anymore.