Band Fags! (13 page)

As we turn down the hallway leading to the Band Room, Brad reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a piece of folded up paper. “Oh, my God…I totally forgot about this.”

“What is it?” I ask on Auto Pilot.

“I got this ad out of some trashy magazine I found,” he answers, handing it to me. “You can buy these porno tapes through the mail real cheap.”

I unfold the crinkled piece of paper. Sure enough, that's the headline…
REAL PORN, REAL CHEAP!
In bright bold letters across the top. And in smaller print,
VHS or Beta.

“I thought it might be fun to order a couple,” Brad continues as I take in the other pertinent info. “We can watch 'em sometime when I'm over spending the night.”

Which is where I draw the line! “Why do we always have to do these crazy things at
my
house?”

“'cause you're the one with your own TV and VCR right in your bedroom,” he reminds me.

“Absolutely not!” I declare, shaking my head spastically.

“But I've never seen a porno before,” Brad half-whispers/half-whines. “Have you?”

My answer to that question would have to be “N-O.” Still I say, “But
Man, Woman, and Horse?
Come on!” If you think the title is disgusting, you should see the accompanying photo. I won't even attempt to describe it.

“What about
Boy and Goat?
” he asks hopefully. “That one sounds pretty interesting to me.”

“Gross!” I exclaim, cringing at the thought. “Since when are you into bestiality?”

“I'm not!” Brad rips the magazine ad from my hands, refolds it, shoves it back into his pocket. “I just gotta find
some
outlet for my horniness.”

“Well, you're not watching your disgusting mail-order porno tapes on
my
VCR!” I inform him. End of subject.

To which Brad says nothing. Then he laughs.

“What?” I ask. Don't even tell me there's more to the story.

“Um…It's too late, Jack.”

Which is exactly what I feared.
“Br-a-a-d…”

“I already ordered them,” he confesses, giggling. “They'll be here in four to six weeks…Keep your eyes peeled.”

My jaw drops. “You sent them to
my
house?” I'm about to say,
I can't even believe you did that…
Except that I can. Instead I say, “I thought I warned you…”

By which I'm referring to the time last Summer when my Dad opened up our phone bill, only to discover a bunch of unknown long-distance toll calls on it. Which he accused
me
of making! Of course, I had no idea what the Hell he was talking about. So my Dad called up Ma Bell and was politely informed the number belonged to an “Adult Services Line.” Which led me to conclude that only Brad could be behind something so “scan-jul-ous.” And sure enough, when I told him how much trouble I'd gotten in, he admitted he had found the number in the back of the JEH
Playgirl
and called it when he was over spending the night after I had gone to sleep!

“Don't let your Mom find them,” Brad advises, referring back to the porno tapes. Then he heads into the Band Room, leaving me outside in the hallway, shaking my head in shame.

The good news is…After studying my ass off for like two weeks straight, I get nothing less than a solid A on my Civics final. Thus securing my perfect 4.0 GPA and ensuring my victory over Ava Reese as Student of the Year.

The very next day I get the following note from Tracy Cardoza…

With a smirk on my face, I refold Tracy's note. Then I place it in the small red metal lock-box sitting on my dresser where I store all my special letters for future safekeeping. Next to my digital alarm clock/radio with built-in cassette player I got for my last birthday. Which is coming up again, two weeks from today on June 27
^th
.

I can't even believe I'm going to be 15 this year…

God, I'm getting old!

1985–1986

Talk about Destiny or Fate or
whatever
you wanna call it!

One of the benefits of being an official member of the official Kristian Alfonso Fan Club is…I'm privy to certain information before it's made Public to the rest of her non-Fan Club member fans—4x/year I receive a copy of the official Fan Club newsletter,
Kristian's Korner.
Inside, various updates can be found as to what Kristian Alfonso's been up to—apart from appearing as Hope on
Days of our Lives.
Like what she did on her Summer Vacation. Or how she attended a Benefit Concert put on by Gloria Loring, who plays Liz Chandler Curtis, and is the singer of the
Facts of Life
theme song, by the way.

You can probably imagine the excitement I felt after receiving my Summer 1985 issue, only to discover the really big news on page 3. Under the heading “Itinerary” was a list of dates where Kristian Alfonso would be making Personal Appearances. And at the bottom of the list, you'll never believe what it said…

“8/24/85—Food Town Expo at Lucas County Recreation Center, Toledo, OH.”

In case you don't know, Toledo is only like an hour south from where I live in Hazeltucky. Straight down I-75. And don't you think it's pretty coincidental that the day I'm gonna finally meet the Love of my Life is exactly one year from when I first joined her official fan club?

Of course, there's no way my Dad would ever drive me all the way to Toledo, OH, just to see Kristian Alfonso. He won't even drive me over to Brad's house without complaining. So I immediately got on the phone, called my Aunt Sonia, and begged her to take me. Though there wasn't any doubt in my mind that she'd say yes.

The thing about Aunt Sonia is…In all these years, she and my Uncle Mark have never had any children. So they've always treated me and my sister and brother like we're their own.

Practically every Summer back when we were kids, they used to take us camping. One time, we spent two weeks traveling around Up North with them. We went to Hartwick Pines State Park in Grayling and Tahquamenon Falls in the Upper Peninsula. We even made it to Copper Harbor, which is the furthest point north you can go in the state of Michigan, in case you're not aware. Except for Isle Royale out in Lake Superior and
nobody
ever goes there. It's full of nothing but wolves and moose and stuff.

In preparation for the big day, I've done something extra special that will ensure my chance to actually meet Kristian Alfonso…Up Close and Personal.

One sweltering Sunday afternoon back in mid-July, I found a full-sized 8" x 10" black-and-white picture of KA in
Soap Opera Magazine.
Not to be confused with
Soap Opera Digest,
which is like half the size and not nearly as informative. I tore the picture out and, with a pencil and ruler, graphed it into 1/2" x 1" squares. Then on a sheet of white poster board my Mom picked up at Arbor's, I did the exact same thing, only larger. Like 2" x 3". Back in like 5
^th
grade, we learned some mathematical formula in Art for making it specifically to what they call “scale.” But I can't remember the exact equation so I just played it by ear.

Then basically all I did was…Focus on one square at a time, drawing exactly what I saw in each one in order to make an exact copy of the original—only larger. Like 22" x 28". Kinda like what Sonny Malone does in
Xanadu,
except he does it with album covers.

I'm not even kidding when I say that I spent the entire day of July 14, 1985 working on this project. Once it was finished, it looked pretty damn good. If I do say so myself.

Now here we are, six weeks later at the Lucas County Recreation Center in Toledo, OH…

I have no idea why my Aunt Sonia insisted on bringing my sister and brother along with me and Brad. But I didn't wanna complain for fear she'd tell me to forget the whole darn thing. Then what would I do? Like my Mom always says, “I'd be up Shit's Creek without a paddle!”

It turns out that Food Town is pretty much the Toledo equivalent of Farmer Jack's. At the Expo there are all these tables and booths set up by companies like Kellogg's and Betty Crocker and Kraft, giving away a ton of free samples. Like Shake 'n Bake and Hamburger Helper and Pop-Tarts. Which are all totally useless to me and totally
not
the reason I'm decked out in my official Kristian Alfonso Fan Club T-shirt worn beneath the vintage 1960s periwinkle blue cardigan sweater I found in my Uncle Roy's closet from back when he was a kid. On which I've pinned five different Kristian Alfonso buttons/badges I had specially made for the occasion at Buttons 'n Bows in Universal Mall.

So what if Brad thinks I look like a Total Dork and is totally embarrassed to be seen walking up and down the aisles with me? He's just jealous because he doesn't have his own Kristian Alfonso T-shirt on account of he couldn't afford the cost to join her Fan Club. He's just jealous because people are staring and pointing at
me
as I pass them by…Guess it's pretty obvious why I'm here, huh?

“Ladies and gentlemen,” a radio announcer-like voice booms over our heads from the loudspeakers. “Food Town proudly welcomes, from
Days of our Lives,
Kristian Alfonso and Charles Shaughnessy…Better known as Hope Brady and Shane Donovan.”

“Come on, Jack!” Brad grabs hold of my arm and begins pulling me through the crowd. A small stage has been erected in the far corner of the Lucas County Recreation Center. Around it, the hundred or so audience members who have gathered burst into applause. Though none can compare to the enthusiasm of one 15-year-old Jack Paterno who's traveled 70 miles—all the way from Hazeltucky, MI—just to be here on this Historic Day.

“Where the Hell is she?” Brad rests a hand on my shoulder, stretching up to the tips of his toes, neck craning. “Do you even see her?”

I'm about to tell him to get the Hell off me, when suddenly, she appears out of nowhere…

Flashbulbs pop from all directions as Kristian Alfonso takes to the stage. I wedge the Poster Board Portrait carefully between my knees, holding it in place while I lift my Kodak Disc camera to my eye and snap away. I also read in
Kristian's Korner
that KA loves teddy bears, so I've wrapped the Poster Board Portrait in special Care Bears paper I picked out at the Hallmark Store across from Farmer Jack's…God, I hope she likes it!

“Is that
her?
” asks Brad. From the sour face he's making, I can tell he's thinking exactly what I'm thinking. But he's the one who says it…“She looks different.”

I've heard the camera adds ten pounds and that people always look taller on TV. And from the looks of Kristian Alfonso standing no more than a hundred feet away, she can't be more than 5'4", 110 pounds. But something about the Live and In Person version of her doesn't look quite right. By which I mean she doesn't look the way she does on television.

“What happened to her
hair?
” Brad wonders, wincing.

He's right…It's not long and flowing and all done up and perfectly styled the way it is on TV. Instead, she's got it pulled back in a plain old boring ponytail.

“And what the Hell is she
wearing?
”

I'll tell you…Pleated khaki pants that come down to just above her ankles, with an orange colored short-sleeved top with this paisley printed gold lamé vest over it. I'm not saying it looks bad, 'cause it doesn't. It's just not something I think Hope Williams-Brady would be caught dead wearing on
Days of our Lives.

But I don't care. Because it's really her…And she's about to say something!

“Good afternoon,” Kristian Alfonso speaks into a silver handheld microphone, the sound of her voice booming from a pair of large speakers set up on either side of the stage.

“Hello, Everyone!” her costar, Charles Shaughnessy, greets in his British accent. “It's certainly a pleasure for Kristian and I to be here this afternoon.” Which he pronounces “ahf-tuh-nyoon,” of course.

“Thank you so much for having us,” Kristian Alfonso adds.

I can't even believe I'm breathing the exact same air that she is. My face is starting to hurt from my totally ear-to-ear perma-grin, that's how totally geeked I am at this moment. The funny thing is…Even though I can
see
Kristian Alfonso addressing the sea of slightly overweight Ohio housewives surrounding her, I can't
hear
a word she's saying on account of the beating of my heart, totally drowning out everything around me.

Till I hear Charles Shaughnessy say the Magic Words…“Does anyone have any questions?”

A bijillion hands shoot up in the air.

“Raise your hand, Jack!” Brad shouts in my ear. He practically yanks my arm out of the socket, lifting it high above my head. Though I'm not particularly worried. I'm sure Kristian Alfonso's just gotta see me standing in the crowd what with the way I'm dressed and all. She's just gotta call on me. I'm her #1 Fan of All Time…

But she doesn't.

“Hi, Hope.” A middle-aged woman with a nasally midwestern twang greets Kristian Alfonso after the microphone is passed her way. I don't even bother to listen to the totally stupid question she asks because I can't even believe she just called Kristian Alfonso “Hope.” Doesn't the woman realize she's got a
real
name? K-R-I-S-T-I-A-N!

“My question is for Shane Donovan,” the next Ohio Mom says. Again, failing to understand that these people are merely actors who play
characters
on TV.

With each question I wait in anxious anticipation for my turn. Though I'm beginning to fear it's never gonna arrive.

“You better do something,” Brad impatiently advises. “Otherwise, you're never gonna get a chance.”

God help me, I didn't just travel 70 miles to Bum Fuck Toledo
not
to seize my moment! I raise my hand higher, reaching up as far as I can towards the rafters. My back starts to spasm but I ignore it. The reward will be worth the pain.

“How you doin', Kristin?” Some guy who's gotta be like 30 years old just got hold of the mic. I can't even believe he just called Kristian Alfonso “Kristin.” I bet he's never seen an episode of
Days of our Lives
in his life. Then he's like, “I just wanna tell you, you're beautiful…You got a boyfriend?”

To which Kristian Alfonso humbly replies, “Thank you.” Kinda half-laughing/half-embarrassed. Then she throws in, “And yes, I do have a boyfriend…Sorry.” Which I don't even think is true. Otherwise, I'm sure I would've read about it somewhere.

Seeing her Live and In Person, I get the sense that Kristian Alfonso feels a little uncomfortable in front of all these Total Strangers. All these people who think they know
everything
about her just because they see her every day on television. But I guess it's all part of her job. In fact, she probably wouldn't even have one if it weren't for the love of her fans…Like me and Brad.

“Kristian!” we both scream. Like a couple of Total Girls.

Brad helps me hoist the Poster Board Portrait high above our heads hoping to catch her attention. But she still doesn't see us. “We've gotta get closer,” he tells me. As much as I can't stand confrontation and I know it's rude to push our way towards the front, I know Brad's right. This could be our one and only opportunity.

So we make a break for it…

“Excuse me,” he says politely, navigating a path through the crowd. “Excuse me…Pardon me.”

“Pardon me…Excuse me,” I echo. We're like Bugs Bunny in that one where he's at the movies working his way across the entire row, totally annoying everybody in the theater.

Despite receiving a few dirty looks, I feel that most people are on our side and want us to succeed in our mission. Especially once they've seen me all decked out in my official Kristian Alfonso Fan Club T-shirt and loaded down with my Kristian Alfonso badges/buttons like some Total Stalker.

“We've only got time for a few more questions,” I hear Charles Shaughnessy say at this point. “Anyone else have anything they'd like to ask either Kristian or myself?”

“OVER HERE!”

I have no idea where the loud and obnoxious voice comes from. But it cuts through the crowd, giving Kristian Alfonso no other choice than to look in its direction. We all watch as she taps Charles Shaughnessy on the arm and aims. Then she says, “Hello!”

I can't tell who she's talking to…Somebody in the crowd…Who is it?

Then I realize…

That somebody is ME!

I look down and discover
I'm
holding the silver audience microphone in my hot little hand. How I ended up with it, I have no idea. But I raise it to my mouth, preparing to speak.

“Hi, Kristian.”