Barmy Britain (6 page)
Authors: Jack Crossley
A government minister was attending an audience with the Queen when her mobile phone rang and she quickly rejected the call. ‘I hope that wasn’t anyone too important,’ said Her Majesty.
The Times
Humorist Alan Coren died in October 2007 and the
Independent
’s obituary recalled an item on The News Quiz about Princess Diana and her campaign against landmines. ‘I don’t know much about Diana or about landmines’ said Alan, ‘but I do know that you poke either at your peril.’ An item which was deleted by the dear old BBC when the programme was repeated.
Independent
Ian Botham chatted with the Queen while receiving his knighthood and Kelvin Mackenzie wondered if he told her about the last ball he bowled in cricket – to Australia’s legendary David Boon. As he ran up Botham unzipped his flies, produced the family jewels and then bowled.
Sun
The Duke of Edinburgh met a group of belly dancers in Swansea and said: ‘I thought Eastern women just sat around smoking pipes and eating sweets all day.’
His outburst stunned the dancers, but one of them said: ‘He is very down-to-earth – but, to be honest, it’s an honour to be insulted by Royalty. Anyway, when you’re a belly dancer you’ve heard it all before.’
Daily Telegraph
‘Bloody hell, Ma’am. He oughtn’t to be in there!’ Buckingham Palace maid on seeing intruder Michael Fagan sitting on the Queen’s bed in 1982.
Mail on Sunday
Police discovered an intruder in the grounds of Buckingham Palace. He said he was looking for Princess Anne and was taken to a mental hospital.
The Times
Billy Tallon, who died aged 71 in November 2007, was the Queen Mother’s favourite page. Always known as Backstairs Billy, he spent 51 years in Royal service. He was instantly recognisable on public occasions, such as the Queen Mother’s 100th birthday pageant, when he led his royal mistress’s corgis (Minnie and Rush) onto Horse Guards Parade, grandly pausing to chat with the crowd as if to the manner born. The story goes that on one occasion she heard him gossiping with another male servant and called out: ‘When you old queens have finished this old Queen would like a gin and tonic.’
Daily Mail
Billy’s lethal mixture was nine-tenths gin and one-tenth tonic. He was always there to console her whenever she backed a losing horse – which was more often than she cared to admit.
Daily Mail
‘One of my worst moments was when I drank from my finger dipping bowl at a royal party. Not only did I drink it, I also asked for the recipe.’
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson quoted in the
Sunday Times
.
When Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton split up there were unconfirmed reports that palace circles did not like the way her mother chewed gum and called the lavatory a toilet. Newspapers rushed to remind us that Britain is still a class minefield and Les Hearn, of London, wrote to the Guardian saying: ‘We call it “The Throne”. Would that be posh enough?’
Guardian
Some were also sniffy about Kate’s mother saying ‘Pleased to meet you’ to the Queen.
Maggie Hughes, of Gnosall, Staffordshire, wrote about a terrifying old lady who, when introduced to someone who said ‘Pleased to meet you’, replied: ‘Do you always leap to such sudden conclusions’.
Daily Telegraph
Sixty years ago there was controversy over souvenirs deemed unsuitable as tributes to the Royal Family.
The item which most got up the noses of Palace officials was a handkerchief featuring portraits of the future Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh. One government official suggested that the handkerchiefs might be acceptable – provided that people did not actually blow their noses on the royal portraits.
Daily Mail
The
Sun
splashed, as a ROYAL EXCLUSIVE, that the Queen is a Gooner (that’s an Arsenal supporter) just like her mother was.
The Page One story was illustrated with a
mock-up
picture of Queen Elizabeth II wearing a bejewelled tiara – and an Arsenal scarf.
On Page 8, under the headline G
UNN
EII RS, there is another mock-up showing the Monarch wearing an elegant pastel blue evening gown with matching handbag – and an Arsenal shirt bearing a Fly Emirates ad.
The ever-present, but never identified, senior royal source is quoted: ‘Her Majesty has been fond of Arsenal for over 50 years. Her late mother was a self-confessed Gooner, due largely to her admiration of their former player Dennis Compton.’
Sun
Reaction was swift after Prince Charles, visiting Abu Dhabi, asked if they had tried getting McDonald’s banned.
Along with their coverage of his remark, newspapers ran a story saying that his Duchy Originals Organic Beef Cornish Pasty has 132 more calories than a Big Mac and is higher in salt and saturated fat.
Daily Telegraph
‘Don’t buy a new hat, don’t mimic her accent, and don’t call her Liz’. Advice given to Americans in advance of the Queen’s 2007 visit to the USA.
A hotline gives tips on royal etiquette and says one should not curtsy or bow (‘Bowing is not required of U.S. citizens’).
If the Queen offers her hand one should take it gently and address her as Your Majesty or Ma’am (which rhymes with jam).
Daily Mail
When Queen Elizabeth II visited the White House in May 2007, President George Bush made a welcome speech, saying: ‘You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17… in… 1976’. He then made light of his slip by shooting a quick look at the Queen and saying: ‘You gave me a look that only a mother could give a child.’
Guardian
and every other paper in the land
Perhaps a bigger gaffe was made when the Prince of Wales visited Ronald Reagan at the White House in 1981. The president recorded in his diary that ‘horror of horrors’ Charles was served tea with the tea bag still in it.
The Times
The Duke of Edinburgh discussed space walks with British-born astronaut Piers Sellers and asked: ‘What do you do about bodily functions?’
Sellers replied: ‘You can last up to ten hours. When you get back inside someone helps you off with your space suit – then it’s a rush.’
Times
writer Alan Hamilton commented: ‘A bit like a long day of royal engagements, really.’
The Times
Courtiers tried to block the sale of ‘tasteless’ memorabilia surrounding the wedding of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh in November 1947.
The Cheadle Fabric Company caused concern with its handkerchiefs featuring the couple’s portraits. The Home Office suggested they would be acceptable provided people did not actually blow their noses on the royal portraits.
Daily Telegraph
‘If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.’
Duke of Edinburgh quoted in the
Observer
In her 50+ years on the throne the Queen has received 1,500 state gifts – including a samovar from Boris Yeltsin and a computer from Ronald Reagan. She has often received live presents, including armadillos, anteaters, jaguars, beavers, turtles, an elephant and a canary.
Independent
The Queen has never been known for sentimentality and does not believe in having a memorial to the late Queen Mother. But each of her corgis, dachshunds and labradors that have died has a miniature tombstone in the grounds of Sandringham.
The Times
The Queen’s chef discloses that Her Majesty insists on cucumber sandwiches being cut octagonally. The corgis are fed on boiled cabbage, long grain rice and lamb’s kidneys.
Sunday Times
I have managed to recreate Prince Harry’s hairstyle by cycling for five hours on a windy day.
Michael Hall, Bury St. Edmonds.
Daily Telegraph
The Queen once gave all the staff at Sandringham a potted chrysanthemum for Christmas. The gifts were all accompanied with a little handwritten note saying ‘When the plant dies, please return the pot to the head gardener’.
Observer
The Queen’s grandmother, Queen Mary, used to amuse friends by throwing pieces of cake in the air and catching them in her mouth.
Daily Mail
After listening to a list of his achievements on receiving an honorary doctorate, the Duke of Edinburgh said: ‘I was wondering who the hell he was talking about.’
Sunday Times
In the presence of Her Majesty nobody behaves naturally. The moment a royal visit is over, the relief is intense. ‘When royalty leaves the room,’ said Joyce Grenfell’s mother, ‘it’s like getting a seed out of your tooth.’
Sunday Telegraph
It seems that when the gaffe-prone Duke of Edinburgh peruses the newspapers – as he does every morning at breakfast – he exclaims ruefully: ‘Let’s see what I did wrong yesterday.’
Reader’s Digest
The Duke makes jokes out of his gaffes, for which he has coined a word: ‘Dontopedalogy – the art of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it’
Independent
Princess Diana once told a friend: ‘I’ve told Charles never to wear hats. With his ears, they make him like a Volkswagen Beetle with the doors open’.
Observer
Prince Charles and Camilla were among a group who went for a late swim when there was a swirling mist. The mist suddenly cleared to reveal about 20 nudists on the shore. Nobody was particularly fazed, but it was sweet to see one of the nude ladies trying to curtsy.
Sun
When the Queen visited the Milk Marketing Board’s artificial insemination unit she pointed to a specimen and asked: ‘What’s that?’
‘It’s a cow’s vagina, ma’am’.
Her Majesty didn’t blink but just said: ‘Ask a silly question…’
Observer
Queen Elizabeth II, one of the richest people in the world, never carries money on her person – but it would be easy for her to lay her hands on some. Her bank, Coutts, has installed a cashpoint inside Buckingham Palace. The machine now represents one quarter of the bank’s entire cashpoint network – one of the other three being at Eton College not far from the Queen’s other home at Windsor Castle.
Daily Telegraph
Sir Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Scouts, was the first man to enter Buckingham Palace in shorts.
He wrote asking for permission to do so, thus causing a revolution in court etiquette when the Royal Family were forced to see knees for the first time.
Sandi Toksvig in
Seven
magazine
An MP met the Queen and remarked on the strain it must be having to meet so many strangers. ‘It’s not as difficult as it might seem,’ she replied. ‘You see, I don’t have to introduce myself. They all seem to know who I am.’
The Times
Prince William and Kate Middleton checked into a resort hotel as Martin and Rosemary. Prince Charles and Camilla once checked in as Fred and Gladys.
Sun
The
Sunday Times
reports: Well might Prince Charles have snapped at Diana (after a row about his relationship with Camilla): ‘Do you seriously expect me to be the first Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?’
Sunday Times
Is Prince Charles fit to be king? Of course he isn’t, wrote Simon Hoggart in the
Guardian
. ‘Which of his male ancestors were?’
- George VI hated the job.
- Edward VIII? No way.
- George V – a martinet who loved stamps and killing wildlife.
- Edward II? I think not.
Among the few good monarchs count Victoria and the two Elizabeths. The men have been hopeless.
Guardian
Want to join Prince William’s set, described in the
Tatler
as ‘the jolliest court in history?’ You need to be loyal, vote Conservative, be a good horseman or woman but a terrible dancer, be anti-drugs, have a strong drinking constitution and be ‘a good egg’.
Daily Telegraph
How on earth do you find a wedding present for the girl who is to become the Queen of England? Gandhi didn’t have a problem: ‘I have given all my possessions away’, he explained.
Sunday Telegraph
The two royal kneelers used during the wedding service were made from orange boxes due to wartime austerity. Gifts from the public included a hand-knitted cardigan, two pairs of bed socks and a hand-knitted tea cosy.
Sunday Telegraph