Authors: Lolah Lace
CHAPTER 6
KARI
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. My body hadn’t left my bed in three days. I had cried a lot when Jack was at work, when my son was at school and I was all alone. The TV was on but I barely paid any attention to it. I would listen to sad songs over and over and over again like a stupid crybaby. I listened to
How To Love
by
Lil Wayne
at least sixty times straight. Why? I know why? I’m cuckoo. The part where he says you had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart had me analyzing my love life. I felt like I didn’t know how to love. Why was I always picking the wrong guy? I didn’t know how to love.
I wasn’t able to communicate with anyone. I had to heal my heart. I knew I had to just chill. I had to go into my turtle shell.
I was hell bent on getting over Mason Rizza.
My
cellphone vibrated. It was somewhere in the bed with me under the comforter. I searched until I tracked it down. It was at twenty-four percent charge. I grabbed the charger jack and plugged my phone into it. Someone had left me a voicemail. I went to listen to the voicemail. I played it aloud. It was Karen.
Her voice came through loud and clear. “Hey Miss Kari, I’m not trying to stalk you but I’m just checking to see if you’re okay. It’s been a few days and I’m a little worried. Just let me know you’re okay. Don’t stop talking to me because of my asshole brother. So just text me or something, okay, bye.”
I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Karen was the first person I vented to when Mason and I broke up. I can understand why she is concerned. I was a wreck the last time I talked to her.
I decided to send her a text message. [Karen I’m good, just really busy. Ttyl] I hit send. I hope that ke
eps her at bay. I like Karen but I can’t put on a happy face right now. I’m sad. I want to be sad. I don’t want to pretend I’m not hurting. I’m hurting and I’m upset. I just need a few more days to grieve the end of this bad relationship. I thought Mason was the love of my life. Now I think he is the love of his own life.
Toya texted me a little later and I told her I would give her a call tomorrow. She was the se
cond person I told about Mason and his need for more time bullshit. Toya didn’t have much to say but she did say she thought he was going to leave his wife this time. She said she didn’t see this coming. Well she wasn’t the only one.
When Trey came home from
school, he got into bed with me. I helped him with his homework and we eat junk food and watched movies together. I let Trey pick whatever he wanted, which was mostly Disney Pixar movies. We eat popcorn and I didn’t care that he spilled it in the bed. Trey fell asleep with me. I was trying to block Jack out the bed.
That plan seemed to always fail
. When I drifted off to sleep Jack would come in and pick Trey up. He would put Trey to bed in his room. I woke up and it was late at night. Trey was gone and Jack was standing over me. He was shirtless and in his boxer briefs.
Jack was peering down at
me. My body didn’t work. My mind didn’t work. Mason had broken my spirit along with my heart. I didn’t want to feel this way. I thought I was stronger than this but I’m just a weak ass woman with a broken heart.
“Kari, I don’t know what’s going on but I love you and I want to help you. Please tell me what to do. I would do anything to get you to come back to me. Please tell me.”
I could only look at him but barely. I couldn’t speak. My game was off. I had no more lies, no more excuses, no more feeble attempts at words.
“Kari, darling I will do whatever you ask. You just have to ask me. I’m here. Tell me what makes you sad and I will fix it. I promise.
I know you want me to abandon you but I’m not going to do it. I mean it when I say I love you and no matter what has happened I always will. We can fix this.”
Jack sat down on the bed next to me. “I wish you would talk to me.
Please talk to me.”
I turned over, away from Jack. I didn’t want to look at him. I wanted to wallow in my misery and stupidity all by my lonesome. I buried myself under the covers and closed my eyes. I felt Jack lay beside me and he snuggle
d into my backside and wrapped his arms around me.
The next day I woke up alone. There was a tray of food next to the bed. It was an array of things that I could eat cold.
There were two pop-tarts, two bottles of Fiji water, a green apple, a banana and a package of caramel rice cakes. I don’t remember the last time I ate. Oh yeah I had popcorn with Trey yesterday around four o’clock.
I guess Jack realized that I hadn’t left this room
. I hadn’t ventured downstairs in the last three days. I had gone to the bathroom of course but that was just the next room over. I hadn’t cried since that day and I wasn’t sure if I should be proud of that fact or concerned. I knew I was depressed and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t want Jack to take care of me. I wanted him to leave me. I’m a fucked up individual. Why does he stay with me? Does he really love me? Why would he? I thought Mason loved me but he’s just full of shit and excuses. I hate him.
I eat half of the strawberry poptart and
drank one bottle of water. I could only keep my eyes open for an hour and I was back off into a deep sleep.
Sometimes you can wake when you feel
someone’s eyes on you. That’s what happened. Someone was standing in my bedroom. I opened my eyes to the light of the sun and Sienna sitting on the edge of my bed with her back to me. You could never mistake her for anyone else she had the iciest blonde hair of a newborn baby.
I sat up and wiped the sleep from my dry eyes.
Sienna turned to see me. “You’re up.”
“Yeahuh” I mumbled something that was close to yes.
“My dad told me to come by after school and check on you. He’s concerned. He said you’re not talking to him and you’ve been in this room for four days.”
I just looked at her. My mouth barely worked and I was sure my breath was hideous.
“I don’t know what’s going on but I never told my dad I saw you with that other guy. I didn’t want to hurt him. Is this your way of dumping him? Are you breaking up with my dad for that other guy?”
I wanted to speak but I didn’t have any words.
“Kari you’re being really immature. You’re like thirty something. Just hurt my dad now. He’s really sad too. Don’t be such a selfish bitch. He already divorced one selfish bitch. Are you dumping him for that other guy? Just do it already so he can pack his stuff and leave your house.”
My voice crept out. “I, there, there is no other guy.”
“I saw you with him.”
“He is no more. That is over.
Me and that guy are over.”
“Are you lying to me?”
Sienna frowned.
“No
, I swear.”
“Just because I’m a kid doesn’t mean you get to lie to me.”
She was right. “No, that guy is gone from my life.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to be with my dad?”
Sienna looked at me like I was a humongous pain in her ass.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you love my dad at all?” She frowned again but she was eager to hear my response.
I sho
ok my head yes. “I do.” I felt a tear run down my cheek. “I love Jack.”
“Well what the fuck is the problem. Stay away from that other guy and be with my dad. My dad loves you
. Caleb likes you and I could learn to like you again but I fucking doubt it. My dad is a great guy. He’s good looking. He’s a nice person and he had loads of money. What more do you want?”
“I want your dad.”
“Are you sure.” She asked with her hands in her hips.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Well get off your lazy ass. Go take a shower. You reek.”
I don’t know why I was letting this little girl talk shit to me. Yeah I do. Guilt. My decisions were affecting so many people. Why was I being so selfish? Why was I living in this fantasy world where I could get the man that I wanted above all others? I could be happy with Jack but I had it in my mind that I could be happier with Mason. I never thought that it would be possible to love two men
at the same time but the devil has made a liar of me. I know with all my heart that I love both these men. It’s like when my friends say they love all their kids the same but it’s different. Toya told me once that you love different things about your kids but at the end of the day it balances out and amounts to 100% for each and every one of them. That is how I feel. I love them both. Mason ripped my heart out and logically I should loathe him but I don’t. I just don’t ever want to lay eyes on him ever again.
Just like that I pulled back the covers and swung my feet to the floor. I headed to the bathroom leaving Sienna alone.
I was going to take a bath. Hopefully I could wash Mason from my body and from my heart. As soon as I placed my toes in the scorching hot water I came to the conclusion that I was done. I couldn’t wait around for him. He’s not going to leave Tess. He’s not going to ever be with me. He’s going to always have an excuse. He’s not the strongest man I know. He is weak. He is a liar. He is the past and I don’t live in the past.
I was in the tub for a little over an hour and I wasn’t sure if Sienna was still in the house. Blondie told me some things I didn’t want to hear but I needed to hear
them. I’m not sure if Jack still wants me. I’m damaged goods. I don’t think I deserve to be happy after everything. I’m used to being by myself and maybe that’s the way it should be.
When I went into my bedroom I saw that Sienna had removed all the linen from the bed. She must be downstairs. I dried off and grabbed my
Breaking Bad
t-shirt along with some Chicago White Sox shorts from the bottom dresser drawer. I went into the hall and grabbed some fresh cotton sheets from the linen closet. I noticed Sienna removed the food from the bedside table.
Why didn’t she tell her dad she saw me with Mason? Was she afraid I would tell him about her STD or was she being honest when she said she didn’t want to hurt him?
Who in their right mind would want to hurt Jack?
*****
I was so nervous when Jack came home from work. I was going to open my mouth and talk. That was the plan. Trey wasn’t in bed with me. He was in his bedroom playing with toys that didn’t need batteries or a TV screen attached to them. Well that’s what I told him to do but he probably was sneaking his Nintendo 3DS.
Jack was somewhere downstairs.
I hadn’t cooked anything so if he was hungry he was going to have to fend for himself. I wondered if he talked to Sienna. My heart was beating fast. I wasn’t even sure why I was so anxiety stricken.
After a few minutes Jack entered the bedroom. He was in his shirt, tie and slacks. He must have left his jacket downstairs somewhere. He did that sometimes. Sometimes he left his jacket in his car. Jack had two glasses of wine in his hands, no briefcase, no portfolio, just the wine.
Jack handed me a glass of red wine. I took it and wondered if it was dry. He likes it dry. I like it sweet. My wine goblet was filled with triple the amount I would normally drink. Maybe he thought I needed more. I took a sip of wine. It was dry and bitter. I took another sip and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Kari, you look good.”
I faked a faint smile. I bathed earlier but I still felt heartbroken and sick. I think the medical experts would call it depressed. I changed out of the t-shirt and shorts I wore earlier. I was a little more presentable in my Juicy Couture jogging suit.
“Kari, I, I have to tell you something.”
Jack’s blue eyes went down to the floor. He put his wine glass on the dresser.
Jack
pulled up the chair that was in the corner of the room. He placed the chair in front of me and sat in it with his legs spread wide in front of him and me.
I took a gulp instea
d of a sip of wine this time. I knew it. He’s done with me. He’s breaking up with me. It’s over. He’s had enough. There’s only so much a man can take.
“Say it.” Was all I had to
utter from my mendacious lips. Say it. Let’s get it over with so I can get all this sorrow over with.
“I cheated on you with Diana a few months back. It was just one time
but it happened and I’m sorry about it. It was a big mistake.”
Huh? I was so numb. That’s not what I expected
to hear. Is this the precursor to the actual breakup? Why hasn’t he packed up and left me? He couldn’t really love me. I feel like I’m in a guillotine. Someone just chopped my head off, not once but twice.
“
I slept with my ex-wife and I thought you should know. I’m tired of the secrets and lies. I want to start over fresh. Are you upset with me?”
“I, no
, ah.” Wait a minute, huh? “I’m not upset.” I wasn’t trying to sound dismissive but I’m sure I did. I was just trying to process the information. I took another gulp from my wine glass.