Authors: Briana Gaitan
10 hours earlier
“What happened
out there?” My father is angry; his eyes crinkle up like mine when he’s mad. I
can barely see through the slits right now and it scares me. People say I’m the
spitting image of my father. We have the same blonde hair, blue eyes, and tall
build. Typical homegrown southerners. But we are as different as night and day.
As the son of a politician, I’m given unrealistic expectations. Expectations
that I can never live up to.
“I was
distracted,” I tell him.
“It’s Quinn
ain’t it?” my mother pipes in. “You’re distracted because of
that
girl.”
“Don’t bring
Quinn into this, Mom.” We’ve had this fight dozens of times before. As a high
school girlfriend, she was fine, but now all of a sudden she isn’t good enough
to stand by my side.
“Does she know
about Raquel? Have you told her yet?”
“Don’t talk
about her like that!” I take a step toward my mother, but she doesn’t cower.
Even though I’m over six feet tall, and she barely hits my chest, she has
southern sass written all over her. She pokes me with one of her long bony
fingers.
“Don’t you back
talk your mother, young man.”
My father steps
in between us, giving me time to take a deep breath and relax.
“Listen here,
Sabastian Crown. You will get your act together and win next week’s game. Your
mother and I are not going to drive two hours every weekend just to see an
embarrassment to our town and family. Have I made myself clear?”
Crystal.
“Yes, sir.” I
want to tell him to go screw himself, but I can’t. When they find out about the
drugs and when I’m suspended from the team, they’ll never forgive me. They
won’t care about why I need the drugs, they’ll only care that it hurts their
precious reputation.
My parent’s turn
around and we get inside of their Jaguar. We have a dinner date with Raquel and
her family at the club. Then they will go home utterly disappointed in me.
Little do they know that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
They don’t care
about what I want. Maybe if I died, they would care. That would show them. I
feel for my pocketknife in my back pocket. No, it would be too easy. I’m half
tempted to slit my wrists right there beside the car.
8 hours earlier
My mind is numb.
My body is numb.
My heart is numb.
It’s the best
feeling in the world. If only the blonde next to me wasn’t so annoying.
“You ready?” she
sniffs before wiping her nose clean of any evidence. She leans across me and
puts her silver compact in the glove box. I nod my head and take another shot
of the clear liquid in the bottle. Vodka, my best friend these days. She
lingers across me and runs her hand up my leg.
“Bash?”
“Yes?”
“Are you gonna
break up with her this week?”
I hesitate.
“Raquel, I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be in love. It isn’t
that easy.”
“I don’t know
what love is?” She throws her hands across her heart and looks at me like I
just shot her in the chest. I may as well of. “This obsession you have with
that nobody Quinn is unhealthy. I’m here, she’s not.”
I slam my hand
on the grey dashboard, making her cringe against her seat. “Dammit Raquel, I
said no!”
“Fine, be that
way. But you better believe this, we’re one and the same. I’m the only one who
can understand what you’re going through. My parents put just as much pressure
on me as yours do you. But I happen to know that your parents love me.”
She doesn’t
understand. She only thinks she does. It’s delusion that convinces her that we
belong together. Deep inside, she still wants to please her parents.
“That’s because
they don’t know about your expensive Cocaine addiction.”
“It’s not like
I’m a junkie or anything.”
I take a good
look at her; she’s everything my parents want for me. Pretty, good genes, and
on her way to inheriting the family business. Her family comes from old money,
her great-grandfather invented some condiment or something, I can’t remember
the name, and her mother is one of those charity do-gooders. Our parents are best
friends and belong to the same country club.
There’s only one
problem, Raquel is a drug addict.
“I can’t do this
anymore,” she wines. “I have to tell Quinn. This isn’t right. I mean, we
cheered together in high school. I feel so guilty.”
No. No. No. No.
I can’t lose
Quinn too. Without thinking, my hands fly out and wrap around her neck. I
squeeze her soft skin beneath my strong hands and imagine every bone in her
neck breaking. If she can’t talk, she can’t tell Quinn anything, ever. All I
can hear and feel is the anger bubbling up inside me. This is her fault. My
parent’s fault. Everyone’s fault for pushing me too damn hard. Her fingers are
up around mine, desperately trying to pry my grip off her throat.
“Bash—” she
chokes out. He eyes are wide, my hands are numb.
What am I doing?
What have they done to me
?
I release my
grip and jump out of the car. Refusing to look behind me. Refusing to
acknowledge what just happened. Raquel is coughing; she’ll be all right though.
Six hours earlier
I’ve released
every emotion tonight, yet I can’t seem to release this pressure from inside my
head. I have nothing to stand on. Nothing to stand for. My existence is
worthless. In less than 24 hours, I will lose everything that I care about. A
cheerleader passes by with a drink in hand; I snatch it out from her between
her fingers and swallow it in one gulp.
“Bash! Why’d you
do that? The drink line is like ten minutes long!”
I give her a
lopsided grin. “Sorry, sweetheart. Why don’t you go get us two more drinks,
huh?”
Her eyes widen
to match her smile. Girls aren’t used to a Bash who flirts so openly. They are
used to a Bash who’s madly in love with Quinn Bardot. The alcohol and cocaine
that flows through my veins make me careless, uninhibited.
The room spins
around me, so I let myself fall back into an easy chair. I’ve been to dozens of
Frat parties before, but never on drugs. Never feeling as low as I do right
now. I should’ve never let Raquel talk me into trying the stuff, but she
promised it would take the edge off. It did, but now I’m gonna lose my spot on
the team, As soon as those test results come back, I’m a dead man. A. Dead.
Man.
“Here.”
I look up,
somehow the cheerleader has made it back in record time.
“That wasn’t ten
minutes,” I say as I take the beer from her hand. The cocaine has left a bad
taste in the back of my throat, so I drink it greedily.
“It was fifteen
minutes.” She holds her hand out again and hands me a pill.
Wow.
Time
seems to fly by.
“What’s that?” I
raise an eyebrow while staring at the small white pill.
“It’ll make you
feel good.”
I reach out,
pick it up, and examine it. “Why do you think I need to feel good?”
“Because you
aren’t like the rest of them. The smiling people.” She looks around at the
people dancing, the ones who looks sublimely happy.
I don’t say
anything. I refuse to acknowledge it.
“This is how you
get through it all?” I pop the pill into my mouth and wash it down with the
rest of my beer.
“I don’t get
through it. I barely hold on.” She sits down next to me, and I recognize the expression
on her face. A look of unhappiness, longing.
She may
understand, but I don’t even know her name. I’ve seen her cheering on the
sidelines at the games. If she is as unhappy as she claims, she does a good job
of hiding it. Her fingers drum the side of her red silo cup.
“What’s your
name?” I ask.
“Exactly.”
“Exactly? That’s
your name?”
“No. I mean, we’ve
been to dozens of games together. Same bus, same friends, we had a class
together last semester. You’ve never cared to learn my name. I’m just some
cheerleader.”
I study her. She
isn’t beautiful, but she isn’t ugly either. Her build is average, not worth a
second glance. Her pale face is covered by her dark hair.
“Sorry.”
“You’re not sorry,
but that’s okay. Everyone is so caught up in their own lives. Too busy to care
about everyone else.”
“If only they
saw what we saw in each other.”
She nods at me.
We sit in silence for a few minutes absorbing the moment, the clarity. The ease
of not having to pretend.
“To selfishness,”
she says. We raise our cups in a toast before drinking. I’m not sure if she
means our selfishness or the selfishness of others, but whatever she means, I
drink to it. At this point, I will drink to anything.
Four Hours Earlier
The world is
spinning. My legs feel like jelly, so I’m lying on the back porch staring up at
the stars. The sky is so beautiful in Tennessee. I watch each star flicker on
and off like a light bulb. One day, each one of those stars will burn out. One
day, I will burn out. I’ll snap and I’ll bring Quinn down with me. My family
with me.
I drunk dialed
her earlier. Who knows what I said to her, but she sounded afraid. Of me or for
me? I’ll never know. She’s coming to get me. I should be scared for her. I’m
not in the greatest condition, but I don’t care. I need her to make it all
better.
“Dude, what are
you doing out here all alone?” I don’t have to look up to know that voice. It’s
my teammate Thad.
“Fresh air, man.
Just enjoying the view.”
Thad is a senior
and on his way to becoming some big shot executive for his father in Nashville.
“Enjoyment.
That’s something I haven’t done in a long time.” Thad swings his legs beside mine
and leans back against the wooden porch.
“I find that
hard to believe.” I snort and lift my hands behind my head. Thad can have any
girl he wants. We aren’t close; I’m not close with many of my teammates. I let
them get as close as needed to play properly, but not an inch closer.
“Today was my
last first game.”
He doesn’t know
it, but it will be my last first game as well.
“You can always
try and go pro…”
He snorts. “My
old man has expectations. He wants me to take over the family business, know
what I mean?
“Yeah.”
Except my
father wants, no needs, me to go pro. If that happens, my entire hometown will
erect a statue in my honor, but it will be his honor not mine. They’ve
practically done it already. My old high school has a whole wall dedicated to me.
Expectations. They suck.
“I wish I could
enjoy playing a game,” I tell him.
“Parents. We
can’t ever please them. Always expecting too little or too much. When I’ve got
kids of my own, I’ll let them do whatever the hell they please. How ‘bout you?”
I’ve tuned him
out, focusing is hard right now. “What?”
“When you have
kids?”
Kids. I’ve never
thought about kids before. Quinn would make a beautiful mother. She’s so
nurturing. She always takes care of me when I’m hung over. A daughter, with her
mother’s brown hair and hazel eyes.
“Yes. My
daughter is beautiful,” I mumble. Thad laughs, and I’m almost certain I didn’t
answer his question.
“You got kids
already?”
“Nah.” I shake
my head. “If I ever do….my girlfriend is beautiful.”
“Yeah, that
brunette I see you with sometimes. She’s pretty hot. How long you been
together?”
I pretend to
count the years even though I have it memorized. Three years, two months, two
days, three hours and….I look at my watch… sixteen minutes.
“Almost three
years, we’ve been friends for a lot longer.”
“High school
sweethearts, huh? I should have known. Must be hard being so far apart.”
My eyes close.
I’m getting sleepy. My life is falling apart without her by my side. It’s all
her fault. I have to convince her to move here. I have to…
“I miss the crap
outta her.”
Two Hours Earlier
“Quinn…” I
mumble. The girl in my arms stiffens and pulls back. She lifts her hand from my
chest and sighs.
“You called her
didn’t you?” she asks.
I open my eyes
and instead of two hazel eyes looking up at me, two muddy brown eyes peer into
mine. Eyes that are dead inside, searching for meanings that don’t exist. Those
two eyes don’t comfort me like Quinn’s.
Raquel.
The girl my
parents have chosen for me. She’d make a horrible mother.
Selfish,
spoiled, and a snob.
Three S words.
S words.
They sounds odd
coming out of my mouth. Ssssss. I’m hissing like a snake out loud, but I don’t
care.
“Bash?”
“Ssssss….sut-up.”
My entire mouth is too numb to form the words correctly. What am I doing here
with Raquel?
“How you—what
you want?” I walk away from her toward the tree. I’m weak. Not like Quinn. She
would never cheat on me. I never wanted to cheat on her, but I’m weak. I’m a
fool. I take my right fist and slam it into the tree bark. I can feel the pain
radiate up through my knuckles and wrist, but I deserve it. I deserve it all.
My fist makes impact with the tree again, harder this time.
Again.
Not hard enough.
Again.
I’m stupid. I’m
a screw up. I rely on Quinn too much. Everyone is right, this isn’t love. I’m
obsessed with her. I want her for my own greedy purposes.
“Bash, stop!”
Raquel grabs my arm, but I throw her off of me. She hits the ground.
She’s crying.
I’m hurting. If I died tomorrow, who would care? My dad would enjoy the
sympathetic votes for his campaign. Quinn would enjoy not having to take care
of me all the time. My friends, what friends? They don’t really know me.
Tonight’s conversations are some of the rawest ones I’ve had in a long time.
Will this
feeling of uselessness go away if I end it all tonight?
I don’t fit in
here. I don’t fit in anywhere. Maybe if I’d been born into a different family.
Maybe if I’d been born in a different country. One that didn’t include
football. I rest my head against the bark which is now caked with my blood.
“Bash?”
My ears perk at
her voice. So kind, gentle, yet timid.
“Quinn.” I’m
afraid to turn around. She can’t see me like this. It’s embarrassing. She approaches
me. I cower from her.
“Bash, let me
take you home.”
I shake my head.
“Just go home. I don’t deserve you.”
“I love you,
Bash. I will
never
leave you behind. We are in this together.” Something
is wrong. She’s just scared. She holds out one hand, but my knuckles are too
bloodied to touch her perfect skin. I hide my hands behind my back. She always
saves me. When I can’t control the mood swings. When I can’t control the pain,
the anger. She is always beside me.
“I’m so sorry.”
I lean down and put my head against her shoulder. She smells like latex and
paint. It’s the most unromantic smell in the world, but I love it.
This is Quinn.
My Quinn.
“Never leave me,
Quinn. Promise me. I’ll die without you.”
“Shhh….” She
smooths down my blonde hair and kisses the top of my head.
“Let’s get you
cleaned up and go back home. I don’t know what this place is doing to you, but
you need to come back home, Bash.”
But where is
home?