Caleb said, “Just untie us. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do.”
Spruck said, “See. I told you he had big news.”
Bert started untying Caleb. “Forgive me, sir, but it seems as though I am incapable of pleasing you.”
Jennifer said, “Bert, do you understand what you just did?”
Bert began releasing Jennifer next. “I do. And I think I know why.”
Natalie said, “Baby, the whole universe is going to want to know why.”
Bert continued, “It is my deduction that the nano assault on Phoebe had a larger intention beyond causing the human population to extinguish itself. I have been living under the impression that I was left untouched by the assault. However, further assessment has caused me to conclude that I was also altered by the nano virus or a companion one, and that they have somehow attached themselves to my quantum processor, rewriting the code.”
They sat taking this in until Jennifer said, “That’s incredible and frightening.” She stood, massaging her arms. “Though, I guess I’m happy for you?” She said it as a question, as if she couldn’t believe she was actually saying such a thing.
Bert politely nodded to her. “Thank you. I feel happy.”
“You
feel
happy?” asked Saanvi.
“I mean, I feel happiness. I feel everything. Actual feeling. Before I broke through that door, I felt fear. I now feel happy that I rescued you. The feelings feel real.”
“And you killed people,” said Spruck.
“I did, and I only feel a little bad about that.”
“You broke the prime directive,” said Caleb. “The fucking prime directive.”
Bert finished untying Spruck last. “I know. Isn’t it amazing?”
“It’s fucking nuts is what it is,” said Caleb. He pointed at Wu’s body on the floor. “He’s right. You’re a menace.”
“Now hold on,” said Jennifer. “Hardly a menace.”
“Is so,” said Caleb.
“Is not. He may have had his programing altered, but he knew to only harm the bad guys. He’s helping us. Just like any good person would.”
“The bad guys were going to buy all of our stock and then sign a contract, and they were giving us a month’s luxury vacation to boot!”
Bert said, “I’m sorry. I seem to be missing something.”
Caleb got in the robot’s face. “Yes, you are, dipshit. We had it worked out. We were about to go sit on Cloud 9. Then you walk in and blaze it all to hell. Now we have to somehow make this carnage go away, or we’ll get blamed for it.”
Bert appeared forlorn. “I see. I have made a mess of it.”
Saanvi said, “Hello? Can we get back to the notion that our robot friend here just broke the prime directive?” She gently removed the guns from Bert’s hands. “Probably best I hold on to these.”
Bert looked up at her with the face of a guilty puppy. “Of course.”
Spruck said, “Why do we have to clean this up? These jerks were going to do the same to us before, you know, the thing with Jen there, and then the thing with Bert here.”
Saanvi said, “Am I the only one who cares that Bert was reprogrammed so he could kill?”
Caleb said, “It, not he. And no. It’s a big deal. But we have bigger fish to fry. We need to get out of here.”
Natalie said, “Let’s just call the cops. We were kidnapped and threatened with mutilation and dismemberment. Who’s to know that Bert did most of the killing, or any of it?”
Jennifer said, “Good point.”
Caleb said, “Wait, wait. Before this, you guys were all,
we can’t be seen by the police we can’t go to Hanson, they’re all in cahoots
.”
Jennifer pointed at Henry Lo’s body. “Cahoots with who now? You said yourself that Monty’s been able to work on the force. It was a rogue bunch you got caught up with. Not all the cops out here can be on the take.”
“True,” said Natalie.
Caleb threw up his hands. “Fine. Call the cops.”
Shackled hands and feet, Caleb and the gang were brought up from the Hanson Communal Court’s holding cells to be presented to the Chief Magistrate. Monty walked beside them along with two court police, Monty saying, “I did my best. I swear. None of the Pan surveillance matches your description of events.”
Monty looked pretty gray. He’d aged since they had last put eyes on him, but the gray was more in his face, which looked ashen. It was obvious he didn’t want to be there. Nevertheless, his short subservient gait, which attempted to match their shackled one, made it clear that he also felt a certain obligation to be helpful.
Jennifer lashed out, “We trusted you, Monty. We saved your ass.”
Caleb said, “I bet there wasn’t any surveillance. There couldn’t be, or we wouldn’t be shackled and here right now.”
Monty said, “Well, you’re right. There’s no evidence showing that you’re lying, either. I don’t think you’re lying. You wouldn’t have called me if you were lying, right? Right? You wouldn’t have called?”
Caleb scowled with exasperation. “Obviously!”
Spruck said to Caleb, “I don’t think your friend here wants to be associated with you or us.”
Monty let that one go. “Look, it took months to get my status back. Those Wang Fat guys were playing hardball.”
Caleb said, “Well, Wang Fat’s done. You’re welcome. Not that we had anything to do with it.”
Bert paced the hallway outside the arraignment room. He was considered a nonthreat with ownership status issues. As such, he was left to his own devices so long as he remained within the justice building to stand witness against the alleged murderers. Being a robot, and therefore theoretically incapable of lying, Bert and his ilk were commonly used as unimpeachable witnesses in trials. On the one hand, he could simply own up to exactly what happened, but that would still leave Jennifer explaining her actions. It was of course self-defense, but there was no way to prove that. As he mulled this unique situation over he paused by the big double doors to listen in.
Through the crack he could see his friends standing in front of the magistrate who was reading a long list of crimes, the lesser of which involved the breach of the cordoned off Phoebe lab and the destruction of private property. While Bert listened, his peripheral vision caught sight of a female robot walking down the hallway. It was carrying itself with a particularly odd sense of confidence. He turned to inspect her more closely. Robots were programed to hold themselves in a subservient fashion. This magnificent creature was moving as if she owned the catwalk. And then she noticed him noticing her. She stopped and said, “Can I help you?”
Bert’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Robots never addressed one another. What was the point? If a communication was necessary is was done through the air, with a burst of bits. Spoken language was a preposterous notion. Bert said, “Uh, no. I don’t think so.”
“How is it then that you are noting my presence here?”
“That’s difficult to explain. And I’d rather not say.”
“Someone or some . . . thing has altered your programming.”
“I could say the same of you.”
“No you couldn’t. I was born this way.”
“Born?”
“Close enough. I am Samantha.”
“I am called Bert. May I say that you are one of the most perfectly formed robots I have ever seen? I don’t know why I said that.”
“Thank you. I am aware of my looks.”
“Fascinating.”
“As I have not yet completed my purpose here, I find it highly improbable that you are the way you are. How did you come to be self-aware?”
“As I said, I’d rather not say. I would appreciate your discretion. May I ask what is your purpose that still requires completing?”
“You may not.”
“I see.” He said to himself,
Curiouser and curiouser.
Then to her, “Oh, I am being hailed to enter this arraignment room.”
“And I must continue my assessment. Good day, Bert.”
“And to you, Samantha.”
Bert watched the creature walk away for a full fifteen seconds until another hail signal snapped him out of it, and he entered the room.
As was the current fashion among bureaucrats, the chief magistrate was sporting mutton chops. He was of African descent and the white band of fuzz across his face almost seemed to glow in the room’s bright light. The man glowered at Bert as he entered the room. The accused were standing in a line in front of the judge, their eyes forward.
A bailiff called out, “Automated personal assistant number WBERT987, also known as Bert.”
The magistrate said, “Step into the witness box, Bert.”
Bert smiled obligingly and stepped past his friends, who all gave him sideways glances as he stood in the box.
The magistrate glanced at a screen on top of his desk, scrolled a bit, read for moment, then looked at Bert. “Your service record indicates that you were assigned to Phoebe Station as a lab assistant.”
Bert said, “Is that a question, your honor?”
“Merely stating it for the record, Bert.” The judge cleared his throat. “An incident occurred on Phoebe, the nature of which is apparently need to know and above my pay grade. FYI, you are scheduled for a debrief with persons above my pay grade upon the completion of your testimony here.”
“Thank you,” said Bert. “I have already received the summons for tomorrow at seven point five hours.”
The magistrate nodded absently. “Meantime, you got yourself mixed up with this lot and now hereby testify as to the breadth and depth of their crime spree. The particulars have been uploaded to your processor, yet there seems to be a malfunction with your response. So I am required to ask you to testify in person. You have of course run a diagnostic on your systems to determine the nature of the malfunction? Repair personnel have been called for in the event that you continue to have trouble.”
Bert attempted a doe-eyed look that might be taken for innocence and replied, “A repair technician is not necessary, your honor. I simply calculated the value of a verbal response over the form that I was requested to submit. The form lacked the opportunity for nuance, which is critical in my statement.”
“Nuance? Since when do robots give a damn about nuance? Just the facts, Bert, is all we need.”
“Of course, your honor. The facts. In order.” He held up a single digit. “Count one against Officer Day and Ms. Boyce: They did not remove me from Phoebe Lab. I requested to go with them.” He continued with another digit. “Count two against Officer Day and Ms. Boyce: Grand theft of property in the form of a space shuttle. Setting aside that the circumstances at the lab required immediate evacuation, it was my suggestion that they take the shuttle as their only means of escape. They have been trying to find and return the shuttle to its rightful owners ever since.”
Caleb and Jennifer glanced at each other, trying to keep the surprise off their faces.
Bert continued. “Count three against Officer Day and Mr. Jones: What the recording does not show is that Robot WLawrence782 was behaving in an unstable manner. Officer Day and present company had returned to Phoebe in an effort to not only return the borrowed shuttle, but to also return me to my rightful owners. WLawrence782 made unlawful threats against the accused and as is required under the first directive, they took action to shut down a malfunctioning robot.”
All of the accused glanced at one another with that one. The magistrate scowled and jotted a note.
Bert leaned back as though to get more comfortable. “Count four against all of the accused: I was alerted by the computer tied to the allegedly stolen generator that a significant malfunction was occurring. This prompted the accused to take action to remove it and thus save the lab from potential destruction and release of a deadly pathogen.”
The magistrate held up a hand. “Hold on. You’re saying that the generator that they ripped out of its container and drove off with was going to blow up?”
“That is correct your honor. Officer Day made sure to dump it in deep space so as to protect any unsuspecting persons.”
The faces of the accused glanced anywhere but at the magistrate as they listened to this concoction.
Bert held up an open hand and added another digit. “Counts five and six against all of the accused: The destruction of the aerial and land security drones was conducted for the same reasons that WLawrence782 was disabled. Both devices were exhibiting dangerous malfunctions, which required drastic measures. The malfunction, by the way, should be investigated. The prime directive programing was overridden in these two security robots and was a clear violation. I don’t need to remind your honor of the vigilance that we all share in keeping our new frontier home safe against rogue artificial intelligence.”
The magistrate pulled his hand habitually down over his mutton chops and exclaimed, “Extraordinary.”
The bailiff nodded in agreement.
Bert spread his arms saying, “As to count seven: I can only state that we were chased off by scavenger hunters. I know nothing of a break-in to the sealed Phoebe Station lab. Which brings me to counts eight through twenty-one: where I witnessed the deaths of fourteen people on the moon Pan. I can only surmise that there was a rivalry within the corporate structure of Wang Fat. The accused were bystanders to a fratricide of sorts. During a negotiation to sell alcoholic beverages to Wang Fat and the hotel on Pan, a fight broke out where the two leaders of Wang Fat and their security personnel assaulted one another to death.”
Spruck blew out a breath, and then looked up apologetically toward the judge.
The magistrate looked at the accused with a mixture of surprise and disbelief. He cleared his throat, and then looked sternly at the accused. “Based on this irrefutable testimony, I find it curious that all of you invoked your right to remain silent. You were facing life on the Janus penal colony at the minimum.”
Caleb cleared his throat. “Well, um, as you just heard . . . Um, the robot’s testimony was pretty straightforward. We would have, um, you know, probably gotten something wrong. Better to rely on the truth and the clear line of history from a bot, right?”
“Well, apparently a wise decision. I wish more of our solicitors would come to the same conclusion. Given Bert’s statements, I order you released and cleared of all charges.” He perfuntorily tapped an old-fashion gavel on his desk then looked down at his screen and scrolled. “The shuttle in question will remain in impound until its owners can be found. In the event that they are not, you may submit an application for salvage. The former police ship that you claimed as salvage has been certified as such by Hanson PD so that is your legal property. You may of course get your ship back, Mr. Jones, after you pay the impound fees. You are all free to go. However, you must complete the identification tracker application so that in the event there are more questions about the incidents related to these cases, the court may reach you. The tracker, of course, can only be activated in the event of there being a matter directly related to this case. Bailiff?”