Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel (30 page)

“All good?” He asked.

“Yeah. It’s all good.” Jason squeezed my hand. “Get that bitch out of here, Frank.” Oh, so this was Frank. His eyes came to me. “Nice to finally meet you,” he said.

“Hey,” I greeted him on a short wave of my hand, making him chuckle again. Then his face lost all its humor and became dead serious. “I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m glad this motherfucker finally got his head out of his ass and I’m even more glad you took his sorry ass back.” Jason chuckled as I stared at Frank. I watched as he turned and grabbed the bitch—whose name I still didn’t know and didn’t care to know, I just wanted her gone—by the arm and kept watching as he dragged her off the stool and out of the bar.

Jason’s hand on my cheek turned me to look at him. He brushed his thumb across my cheekbone while pulling me closer to his body with the hand that was still holding mine. He let go of my hand when my body was touching his and placed his hand on my other cheek, cupping my face, while I held on to his wrists. His face was tipped down to mine, his serious eyes holding mine captive.

“No more running.” His voice was just as serious as his eyes. He was disappointed that I hadn’t let him explain, that I had believed someone else and making assumptions. I bit my lip and nodded. He moved his face closer to mine until our noses touched. “I understand why this is hard and I get why that one got to you. Believe me, I do. Just the thought about you sharing a child with another man makes me feel violent.” He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath before he kept talking. “Promise me, Loreley. Promise me no matter what you hear or see, no matter how hurt or angry you might be, no matter what life throws at us, promise me you come to me and let me explain. You don’t run. You don’t shut me out. You talk to me.”

I nodded and whispered, “I’m sorry.” I felt awful. I had promised him I would trust him and then went back on that promise at the first hurdle.

He kissed the top of my nose then brushed his lips against mine. “Don’t be. I get it.” He swallowed and gave me an apprehensive look. “Courtney’s shenanigans were one of the reasons why I finally got my head out of my ass as Frank calls it and went after you.”

Courtney? Who was Courtney?

Jason must have seen the confusion on my face. “The bitch I just sent packing,” he explained.

Ah. That made sense.

“I panicked when she first told me she was pregnant and said it was mine. I panicked because I didn’t want a child with her, or anyone, but you. You were whom I saw in my mind when she told me. You, your smile, the feel of your touch. You, becoming my wife, holding our baby, raising our children with me. I knew if I had a child with anyone else, I would lose you forever and it gutted me. I couldn’t stand it. I’m not proud of it because I didn’t know then she was trying to play me, but I lashed out and immediately doubted her. I didn’t know then what I know now, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want that child. It might make me an asshole, but I don’t care. Good thing I did what I did since it became crystal clear pretty damn fast that she was lying.” He paused as his eyes roamed my face, reading me. “What I’m trying to say is, her lie gave me the push I needed. I stopped drinking, stopped sleeping around, and told Frank to find out where you lived so I could go after you and get you back. And make no mistake, Loreley, I would have trampled anyone and anything in my way to get you back. You are mine. You always have been and always will be. Just like I am yours. Yours alone. You understand?”

I nodded again. “I understand.” And I did. We belonged to each other. He was mine and I was his and I had to trust that everything would be okay, that we would make it through whatever life threw at us as long as we believed in each other, as long as we believed in
us
. We had forgiven each other and ourselves for what had happened and now it was time to move on together.

“Good,” Jason murmured against my lips before he took them in a fierce and deep kiss. I pressed against him and responded in kind, completely losing myself in the taste and feel of him, forgetting everything else around us.

It took someone clearing his throat for us to stop devouring each other’s mouths. “There a reason why a guy as big as a tank is standing outside the bar glaring at a blonde who is spitting fire and cussing him out?” It was Chris. He was here to start his shift.

“Shit,” Jason swore under his breath. “Any photographers out there?”

Chris nodded. “A few. Less than last night though.”

“That stupid bitch,” Jason grumbled. Chris’ eyebrows shot up in question. “You know her?” His eyes went to me and I shook my head, indicating I would tell him later.

“Yeah, I know her.” Jason left it at that and Chris didn’t push any further. A few moments later, Frank came back inside and stopped at our little huddle. He gave Jason a look I couldn’t quite decipher other than that it was annoyed. Jason clenched his teeth and turned to me when Frank introduced himself to Chris.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. Frank is pissed at me. He told me months ago to shut Courtney down. Told me to not give her a chance to regroup. Looks like he was right.”

“I usually am. You just choose to ignore me.” Frank muttered. I saw a muscle jump in Jason’s cheek at being admonished like that and couldn’t help but laugh silently. He shook his head at me, but I could see the corner of his lips twitch infinitesimally.

“You ready to go?” He changed the subject.

“Yeah. I’m all done and Chris is here now so we’re good to go.”

“All right. Let’s go.” He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers through mine, and we headed to the front door, followed by Frank. I turned and gave Chris a goodbye-wave over my shoulder, to which he responded with a chin lift and a small smile.

Outside, I saw that there was no sign of Courtney, but the photographers were still there. As soon as we exited the bar, the cameras started to click and requests about looking this way and smiling were shouted our way along with questions about who the blonde was Frank had just kicked out. Frank moved in front of us as if to shield us, and Jason swung his arm loosely over my shoulder and kissed my temple. My arm went around his hip in response and I leaned into him until it was time to let go when Jason opened the driver’s side door for me and asked me to slip in the back so that Frank could sit in the front with him. I grumbled but did as I was asked. Frank chuckled and so did Jason.

“Sweet ride,” Frank said when we were all in the car and driving to my dad’s house. It was his turn for our weekly family dinner. “How long have you had it for?”

“My dad gave it to me for college graduation. It took him years, but he completely rebuilt it for me.” Jason met my eyes in the rear view mirror.

“Nice. Sounds like you have a cool dad.” Frank stated. I did. My dad was one of the best people I knew. He had always been there for me, had always been supportive even if he didn’t like the choices I had made. I smiled as I remembered coming back from L.A., scared, heartbroken, and disillusioned, when he had given me the car.

“Looks like we’re gonna have to go out and find a car seat that fits in the back of the Shelby,” was all he had said when I had fessed up about being pregnant and alone. He had adored Jesse from the moment he laid eyes on him and hadn’t been happy when after five months of living with him, we moved out of his house. But he had understood that that was what I’d needed, like he always did. My dad was the best and I was immensely grateful and felt blessed for having him in my life.

I still had a small smile on my lips and my eyes met Jason’s in the mirror again when I answered Frank. “Yeah, he’s the best.” Jason’s eyes weren’t smiling. They were contemplative. It took me a second to figure it out what he was thinking about, but when I did, my body stilled.

He was thinking of the accident, wondering what car I had been driving if I’d had the Shelby for six years.

The accident that had killed Jesse was something we hadn’t talked about. So far, I had shared as much as I possibly could in the short time we’d had about Jesse’s life but I hadn’t shared about his death. Even after all the therapy and grief counselling I had gone through, it was still extremely hard to even think about that day. Jason deserved to know what had happened and he deserved to hear it from me, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. I looked away from him and stared out the side window.

“I…it wasn’t…we weren’t…” I stopped and closed my eyes, trying to bring up the strength to tell him. “We weren’t in this car. The Shelby was at the garage for an oil change. I was driving dad’s car.” My voice sounded empty and sad and my throat was clogged. I still didn’t look at Jason but kept my gaze out the side window instead. A lone tear I couldn’t hold back travelled down my cheek.

The next thing I knew, Jason pulled over and stopped at the side of the road, got out of the car, pulled me out of the back, and I was in his arms. He held me tightly and kissed the top of my head as I hid my face in the crook of his neck and sniffed quietly. It had only been a year since the accident and even though I was coming to terms with Jesse’s death, thinking about how it had happened brought back all the emotions I had felt that day and I had to work hard to not let them overwhelm me.

Jason didn’t say anything. All he did was hold me as I got control of myself and that was exactly what I needed: just him and his arms around me holding me tight, keeping me safe and giving me comfort.

Jason was standing at the railing of the back deck in Roy’s backyard, taking a deep pull from his beer and looking out over the trees that backed onto Roy’s property. He needed a minute after the episode during the drive here.

When Loreley had calmed down enough to the point she wasn’t shaking anymore, he had guided her back into the car. Frank had moved to the backseat so that Jason could hold Loreley’s hand during the rest of the drive. He had needed that connection and he could tell that Loreley had needed it just as much. He had felt helpless at seeing her like that, fighting against her emotions while she was shaking in his arms, holding on for dear life. He couldn’t imagine what it must have felt like to see your son die like that. Losing a child was hard enough to deal with as it was, but to actually be on the scene of the accident was something different altogether. He wanted to take away the pain Loreley was feeling, was desperate for it, and felt completely powerless knowing that he couldn’t. All he could do was be there for her and hold her, be her rock, her anchor. It was something, and it felt good that he could give that to her, that she accepted it, but it was nowhere near enough. The sorrow and devastation had poured off of her almost to the point where he could taste it on his tongue. It broke his heart.

And it brought back the guilt.

The guilt at not having been there for her when it happened. The guilt at knowing that for the past year, his Loreley had to deal with the anguish and grief the loss of their son had brought without having him by her side to be her rock. Yes, she’d had her family, but he couldn’t help but think that his presence would have made a difference in how she would have dealt with Jesse’s death. He blamed himself, and that guilt weighed heavily on his shoulders.

So he needed a minute to collect himself.

He took another deep pull of his beer. All the men were out on the deck with him: Roy, Pete, Cal, and Frank. The women and Tommy were in the kitchen getting dinner ready and setting the table, and Jason was grateful that he had a minute without Loreley. He didn’t want her to feel bad for upsetting him, which she undoubtedly would. His Loreley felt deep, always had. Another reason why he couldn’t imagine what the past year had been like for her.

“Jace. Take it easy, man.” It was Frank. His voice was neutral, but Jason could hear the worry and warning in it. A warning about not getting carried away. He couldn’t blame him. This was what he had been like whenever he felt the need to drown his sorrows during the past six years. Removed and lost in his own thoughts, a quick beer that lead to a dozen more, everything he could do to forget the face and the memories that kept haunting him. But Frank didn’t need to worry. This was different. Jason wasn’t drinking to get smashed because he was trying to forget. If he were a smoker, he’d be smoking a cigarette right now instead of drinking a beer to calm down his nerves. He didn’t care about the alcohol or its effects. He just needed something to do with his hands while he tried to sort his raw emotions.

“It’s all right, Frank,” he assured him as he took the last sip and placed the empty bottle on the railing.

He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but nobody spoke as Jason leaned his elbows on the railing and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t know how long exactly he stayed like that. It seemed like a long time even though it could only have been a few minutes before he lifted his head again and broke the silence. Without turning around, he made his request.

“Right here, right now I need you to tell me exactly what happened the day my son died. I need to know so I can process it and be there for Loreley. I won’t ask her to tell me. It’s too painful for her. I refuse to make her go through that.” He knew what he was asking. Just the thought of hearing about the accident and the suffering and heartache that followed made pain slice through his body and his gut clench, but he had no choice. He had to know not only for himself but for the two of them as a couple. He needed to understand what Loreley had been through if he had any hope of helping her through it, of helping her heal to a point where she wouldn’t break out in a sweat and start shaking uncontrollably whenever she thought about that day.