Authors: J. Lynn
“Join the club.” She sighed heavily. “I’ve sworn off guys.”
I peeked at her. “Completely?”
She nodded. “Yep. Life’s easier that way.”
“Do you like girls?”
“I wish.” She laughed. “I just think sex makes things complicated and messy. I mean, yeah, I talk about how hot guys are and make a ton of sexual innuendoes to the point someone probably thinks something’s wrong with me, but I’ve never had sex.”
“What?” I said in a disbelieving voice. “You’re a virgin?”
She laughed again. “Is it really that shocking? I can’t be the only twenty-one-year-old who hasn’t had sex.”
“You’re not,” I said immediately.
Straightening, she switched the carton of ice cream to her other hand. “And look at me, Teresa. I don’t look like you or Avery. I’m not thin, and I sort of look like the Joker.” She gestured at her scarred face.
My mouth dropped open. “First off, you’re not fat.”
She arched a brow.
I rolled my eyes. “And you do not look like the Joker, you dumbass. You’re really pretty.” And that part was true. Scar or not, Calla was really pretty. “I can’t believe you said that.”
Shrugging, she stood. “Enough about me and my lack of sex and whatnot; is what you told me all that Erik said to you?”
The change of subject threw me for a loop. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it.”
“Are you going to the police?”
I shook my head. “He didn’t do anything I can report. What he said really wasn’t a threat—what he said was what anyone would probably say if someone cast suspicion on them.”
“Yeah, but I don’t like what he said to you.”
“Neither do I.” I rubbed my hands across my face again.
Calla left for the kitchen, tossing the ice cream in the garbage. When she returned, she curled up beside me, remote in hand. “Let’s watch some bad TV. I’m pretty sure that cures all.”
Bad TV might cure a lot of things, but I knew it wouldn’t fix what was ailing me. I wasn’t sure what could. I’d given my body and my heart to Jase and he had handed them back.
A few things became clear by the end of the week. If the police suspected that Erik was guilty of anything other than being a shitty human being, it didn’t show. I saw him around campus and he didn’t look like a guy who had the police breathing down his neck or was about to be arrested for murder at any given second.
Maybe my suspicions were totally off the mark, but I avoided Erik at all costs, even if it meant crossing the street when I didn’t have to or turning and walking in the other direction. Even if he hadn’t hurt Debbie this time, he had in the past.
The other thing was that there was no keeping the fact that Jase and I were not together from Cam and Avery. By Friday, when I guessed neither of us showed up for lunch in the Den for the third time, they suspected something was up.
Cam cornered me when he’d come over to grab some extra clothes. I was sitting on the couch watching a marathon of
Dance Moms,
an open bag of Cheetos on the coffee table and two empty soda cans keeping me company.
He sat beside me, dropping his hands between his knees. “So . . . ?”
I exhaled loudly.
“Yeaah,” he said slowly. “So what the hell is up with you and Jase? You two haven’t been coming to the Den. At first I thought ya’ll just wanted some privacy, which, by the way, irked me, but I haven’t seen his Jeep here since Sunday morning.”
Debating if I should draw this out or just get it over with, I tugged the quilt our grandmother had made for Cam a few years back up to my chin. “We’re not together,” I said, like ripping a Band-Aid off. I laughed then, the sound dry. “I don’t even think the couple of days we were together really counts as being in a relationship. I’m pretty sure Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian have been married longer than we were together.”
I thought that last bit was pretty damn funny, but Cam looked like someone just died in front of us. “I knew it. That son of a—”
“I really don’t want to hear that right now.” I turned to him, and whatever he saw in my face caused him to shut up. “Whatever happened between us shouldn’t affect your friendship.”
“How can it not? Look at you?” He glanced around the room, gaze landing on the bag of junk food and soda cans. He sent a pointed glare at the TV, right when a small girl burst into tears. “You’re my baby sister and you’re obviously sitting here heartbroken. I knew he would fuck this up and he had to have known it too.”
“How did you know, Cam?”
He opened his mouth and he closed it.
My smile was weak. “I know—I know about Jack. Everything.”
Shock flickered across his face as he sat back. “He told you everything?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he told me. Is that why you knew he’d fuck up? Because he has a kid or because he’s still in love with Jack’s mother?” I was just throwing the last part out there. I didn’t really know for a hundred percent that he was in love with her still, but it seemed that way. By the way Cam’s eyes widened even more, I feared I hit it right on the nail.
“He told you about Kari?”
“Her name’s Kari?” I asked.
Cam stared at me a moment then looked away. Several seconds passed. “So he didn’t tell you about her? I guessed as much as he told you about Jack, but he didn’t say anything about her?”
“No.” I swallowed, lowering the quilt by an inch. “When he told me about Jack, he wouldn’t talk about her and when he . . . when he said we couldn’t be together, he said it was because he wasn’t ready for something serious.” I was so leaving out the sex part, because as far as Cam knew, our relationship hadn’t progressed to that part. If Cam knew it had and that Jase had called things off the day afterward, he would do more than punch him. “I asked if it was about her, but he still wouldn’t talk about her. I think . . . I think he’s still in love with her.”
Cam ran his hand through his hair, causing several strands to stick straight up. “Shit, Teresa, I don’t know what to say.”
A ball of ice formed in my stomach. “Yeah, you do, but you just don’t want to say it. You know about her, and he’s still in love with her, isn’t he? That’s why you didn’t want us to be together. She is—”
“Was,” he corrected quietly. “Her name was Kari and I’m sure Jase loved her, loved her in a way that any sixteen-or-so-year-old guy could love his girlfriend.”
My brain got hung up on the past tense. Not the loved part being in the past but the reference to her. “What do you mean by ‘was,’ Cam?”
He blew out a long breath. “I’ve never told another soul any of this, Teresa. I don’t know if Jase even realizes that he told me all about her. We were drunk one night and got to talking, you know, back when I was on house arrest. He never brought her up again. He’ll talk to me about Jack, but not her.”
The ball of ice was starting to spread for a different reason. “Cam . . .”
“She’s dead, sis. She died shortly after Jack was born, in a car accident.”
I smacked my hand over my throat as I stared at my brother. “Oh, my God . . .”
“I don’t know a lot about her parents, but I think they were kind of like Avery’s—very concerned about perception and shit. I got the impression that they sent her away when she got pregnant and had wanted her to give Jack up, but Jase’s parents stepped in. I know Jase and Kari were together since they were thirteen or so. And I do know that he cared very deeply for her and as long as I’ve known Jase, he’s never been serious about another girl.”
My chest ached as it all started to click together. The girl . . . Jack’s mother was dead? That had never crossed my mind. At all. But it made sense. Holy crap, what was worse than having someone break your heart? Having your heart broken because someone died.
“The fact that Jase even told you about Jack blows my mind. No one but his family knows the truth, and her family, I don’t think, lives around here anymore,” he explained. “Once I realized he’d told you, I backed off, because I knew he was for real if he told you. At least, I hoped he was, but . . .”
“But he hasn’t gotten over her, has he?” I said, hurting for him, because I could not imagine what it must be like to lose someone I loved to something so final. “That’s why. Oh, my God . . .”
“I don’t know, Teresa. I’m not sure he’s still in love with her. I mean, I’m sure he does in a way, but I think . . . God, he’ll kill me for this, but I think he’s scared of caring for someone else and then losing them.”
“Really?” Doubt colored my tone.
“Look at it this way. He didn’t have a normal situation. They were young and she got pregnant. Her parents sent her away and then his folks step in and adopt the kid. So both of them—Jase and Kari—saw Jack afterward, knowing that’s their son, but no one else does. It was their secret and who knows what they planned for the future.”
I knew what Jase had said about not wanting Jack at first, but that had changed afterward. And it could’ve changed while Kari was still around.
“And then she dies, completely unexpectedly and
young
. Those kinds of situations, wrapped all together, have got to mess with someone. So I don’t think he’s still in love with her. I think he’s scared of loving someone else.”
“Then that would have to mean that he loves me, and I don’t think that’s the case.”
He smiled a little. “He risked my wrath to get with you and he told you about Jack. I’m telling you what, Teresa. He has to have—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I cut him off, because I didn’t need to hear that Jase potentially loved me. It would just fill my head with fairy tales and my chest with hope. What Jase had said to me after having sex was nothing more than a product of an orgasm. “I can’t compete with Kari. No one can.”
“Teresa—”
“I don’t want you saying anything to him,” I insisted. “I’m serious, Cam. I know you want to thump him upside the head or something, but please let it go, because . . .” Because I truly felt bad for him. Knowing about Kari made this different. Didn’t mean I wasn’t upset with him, because he had hurt me, but he had been hurt in one of the worst ways. “Because it doesn’t matter and I’m okay.”
His brows rose. “You don’t look okay.”
I glanced down at the tentlike quilt. “Thanks.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He patted in the general vicinity of my good knee. “I’m just worried about you. You’ve been through a lot.”
“I’m okay, but you’ve got to promise you won’t say anything to him. Just leave it alone. Please, Cam.”
He sighed. “Okay. I won’t say anything. You were right earlier when you said it’s not any of my business, but seeing how upset you are and not slamming my—”
“I get it,” I said, smiling slightly. “You can’t always take care of things for me, you know?”
Cam laughed. “Says who?”
Shaking my head, I settled back. Having a little more background on what made Jase tick helped, but it didn’t make the heartache any better. Kind of made it all the more sad.
At the sound of a knock on the door, Cam rose. “That’s probably going to be Avery. You up for some girl time?”
“Girl time?”
He made a face. “Whatever. You want her in?”
“Sure.” Hanging out with someone was better than sitting here alone feeling sorry for myself.
If Avery knew what was going on, she wisely chatted about everything and anything else while she coaxed me off the couch and helped me straighten the apartment. The place was a mess. Partly not my fault. Cam had vacuumed and dusted around the time the president was last inaugurated.
“I’ve heard that Debbie’s funeral is next Tuesday,” she said, tying her coppery hair up in a messy ponytail. “Are you okay?”
I nodded as I tossed the rag I’d used to dust off the nightstand into the little waste bin. “Calla’s dropping me off, and she’s gonna pick me up when it’s done. She doesn’t do funerals.”
“Neither do I.” She bent over, picking up a bag resting on the closet floor. “I don’t think Cam’s going, but if you want him there, I’m sure he’ll go.”
I knew he would, but I wasn’t going to force him to go to a funeral he wasn’t planning on attending.
Avery suddenly stood ramrod straight as she opened up the department store bag. Over her shoulder I saw it was full of shoes I hadn’t gotten around to unloading yet, which reminded me there was still a lot of stuff I needed to get out of the dorm.
Curious about what she was staring at, I hobbled around her. “What’s up?”
Wordlessly, she reached inside and pulled out my old pair of ballet shoes. “I haven’t held a pair of these in forever.”
Seeing them sent a pang through me. I turned and sat on the bed. “Well, we’re about the same shoe size. Probably have roughly the same fit. You can have them if you want.”
“Don’t you want to keep them?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. You can borrow them. How about that?”
She glanced down at the satiny slippers and sighed a little. A wistful look crossed her face and my curiosity grew. “What don’t you dance anymore, Avery?”
Her gaze lifted and her cheeks reddened. “It’s just a long story that’s not really important right now. It doesn’t matter. I probably couldn’t even lift my leg now, let alone do a simple ballet move.”
“I bet you could,” I said instead of pushing her for more details.
She laughed it off, but her eyes lit up with something akin to excitement, like maybe she wanted to try. “I’d probably pull a muscle.”
“No you won’t.” My knee started to stiffen so I gingerly stretched it out. “Try it.”
The slippers dangled from her fingertips. “I’ll look like an idiot.”
“It’s only me here and I haven’t even showered today. Also, I can’t walk without a limp, so I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about impressing me.”
She hesitated and then crossed the room, placing the slippers on the bed beside me. “If you laugh, I might cry.”
“I won’t laugh!” But I did smile. “Come on. Just do it.”
Stepping back, Avery looked around the room, checking out the space as she toed off her shoes. She took a deep breath as she kicked a leg up. Closing her eyes, she planted her sock-clad foot on the inside of her thigh and twirled once and then twice, extending her leg out elegantly. Even on carpet, in jeans and out of commission for years, the girl had a natural-born talent that every studio-taught dancer envied.