Authors: Ellen O'Connell
“Of course. At least I think so.” Norah considered. “Maybe I should talk to them first. I’ve never met Eli, and I can ask how Grace’s daughters are doing.”
“You can see how they’re doing for yourself. Jason’s wife and the girls are out in the yard. I couldn’t get Emma to bring them in.”
“Oh, what a treat. I’ll be there as quickly as I can.” Norah had her clothes half off before Mabel left the room.
The men all rose to their feet when Norah walked into the parlor. Archie nodded at her and left her with the Sutton brothers.
“I’m glad you’ve come,” Norah said to them. “Caleb is tired of being stuck in bed and not strong enough to do anything about it. He’ll be glad to see new faces, and I am so eager to see Emma and the girls again.”
“Cal isn’t dying then?” Relief washed across Jason’s face. “Eli was to town and heard he was dying, dead even. Archie said he was getting better, but I was half-afraid to believe him.”
“It was a close thing, but he’s on the mend now.”
Eli looked a lot like his brother, but harder and angry. Without Jason, she wouldn’t have let him see Caleb. Jason had the same worn down and sorrowful air as before. Did he ever laugh? Could he?
Norah couldn’t help but say, “Caleb told me what you did for him. He knows you’re the only reason he’s alive, and he’s every bit as grateful as he should be, but I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to say it. He can tell me because I’m only a girl.”
She smiled, hoping to see an answering smile on the somber face, but if anything, Jason looked sadder.
“I should have done more. I was a coward and didn’t do what I should have.”
“You were boys being tormented by a grown man, and he was your father. What more could you have done?”
Neither man answered. Jason stared at the floor.
“You should be proud of what you did,” Norah said. “I’m grateful to you for saving him for me.” She looked at Eli, “Caleb told me he’s sure he’d have been one to tattle if it had been him.”
Jason didn’t react. Eli’s expression hardened even more.
Norah led them up the stairs, chatting about Grace’s daughters as she went, hoping Caleb was already awake, and hoping she was doing the right thing.
C
AL WAS HALF-WAKE
when Early growled.
“There’s no one in this house needs growling at,” he said, then reconsidered. After all, Van Cleve and the sheriff had been here once.
The rifles were out of reach in the corner, his gun belt coiled around some frilly pink thing on the bureau. He rolled over and sat up, ignoring the fiery throbbing in his back. The rifles were closer.
At the sound of Norah’s voice, explaining about Becky’s room to someone out in the hall, he sank back against the pillows and waited.
“You are not supposed to be sitting like that,” Norah said, scowling.
“It feels pretty good except for the pain.”
He saw Jason behind her — and a man who had to be Eli — considered telling her he was too tired too talk to anyone, decided putting it off wouldn’t change anything. After all, she probably thought he’d be glad to see them.
In spite of scolding and clucking and acting as if his blood was a living thing plotting a way to burst out of his back and spurt all over the walls, she arranged the pillows in a way that made sitting up easier yet had nothing pressing against the wound.
“You look like you’re working for Old Lady Tindell again in that apron,” he said.
She patted his cheek. “Early and I are going to have a lovely visit with Emma and the girls while you talk to Jason and Eli.”
She called to the dog, and he followed her out, the traitor.
Cal glared up at his cousins. “If you’re going to stand there like that, you’ll have my neck aching as bad as my back. There’s chairs.”
Jason lowered himself into the bedside chair Norah always used. He wasn’t anywhere near as nice to look at. After staying on his feet long enough to make it clear he didn’t want to sit or to be in the room, Eli sat in the other chair.
“Eli was in town and heard Archie Carbury found you shot. Some said you were dead, some said dying. I’m glad it’s not true.”
“I cheated the devil again, Jase. This time it took some medicine woman I don’t even remember and all the Carburys and Norah to save me, not like when you did it with no help and a lot of hindrance.” He shot a glance at Eli with the last words.
“I should have done more,” Jason said. “We stopped him a couple years later, Eli and me. We should have done it sooner, before you were a ghost and before Micah ran off too, before he married the girls off to men like him.”
Cal wanted to ask about the knife, remembered what Norah had said and pushed that question into the dark place in his mind. Maybe someday he’d ask. Not today.
“You did all you could, and it was enough, wasn’t it? What did he do to you after?”
“Just another whipping. He couldn’t lock me in there with that big hole you dug.” Jason smiled, not a very lively smile, but a smile.
“He beat him half to death,” Eli said harshly. “His back looks like a nest of snakes from that beating.”
Jason made a gesture as if to stop his brother, but Cal nodded. “That sounds more like it.”
“But you kept right on running, didn’t you?” Eli said.
“Damn right I did. Just like you would have.”
Eli’s face was tight, nostrils flaring. “I only told on you once.”
“Did it do you any good?”
“Not enough to do it again.”
That was honest. “I’d have been like you,” Cal said. “Hell, I’d have been like the girls and told every time. Jason’s the only one born with hero blood.”
“Your blood is bad,” Eli said.
Cal nodded. “Probably nothing will ever grow where it spilled.
“That’s stu....” Eli stopped. “I wish I could cut him out of me.”
“Me too. Norah’s working on it. She won’t let me say devil’s spawn any more.”
Jason laughed, a real laugh that lit his face and dissolved the sorrowful mien. “I like her, Cal. You got lucky.”
“Don’t go liking her too much.”
“Don’t worry. I’m a married man too, and I got lucky too.”
“Yeah, she looked too good for you. I heard you waited to marry her until the old man was dead at least two minutes.”
“Three,” Jason said with more humor than Cal would have thought he could muster. “When you’re up on your feet again, you and Norah need to come visit. The girls talk about you all the time.”
And if he heard what they had to say, his ears would burn. Cal considered how he felt about letting his cousins call Norah by her given name and decided he’d allow it. He cleared his throat. “How can you...? I mean how do you...? Three of them. I mean three little....”
Jason understood what Cal couldn’t find a way to put into words. “I just think what would Pa do, and I do the opposite.”
Cal would have laughed at that, but laughing hurt. Jason exchanged a look with Eli.
“I’m glad you’re not dead. I — that’s all, I guess,” Eli said to Cal. “I’ll wait for you by the horses,” he said to Jason.
Cal could tell Jason had some serious talk in mind, and he didn’t want to hear it. “Was I really a ghost for you?” he said, meaning it as a joke.
“Yes. I was sure you were dead, and I’d see you sometimes, mocking me, telling me all the things I should have done and didn’t. I guess it was all in my mind because you’re alive.”
“How about the old man?” Cal said, surprised anyone who had ghosts, even Jason, was willing to admit it. “I have ghosts, and he’s one of them, except he’d come ranting at me long before he was really dead.”
Jason nodded. “I have that too, but I know that’s memories. Bad memories don’t die easy.”
“So you think ghosts are just bad memories?”
“What else can they be? The devil wouldn’t let Pa loose long enough to haunt anyone.”
Cal did laugh at that until the pain stopped him. “You don’t think he repented when he was down that well and knew he wasn’t getting out?”
Jason went still as a statue, his face frozen with fear. “How do you know that? How do you know how he died?”
So it was like that. Cal wanted to be angry and didn’t have the strength. He sank back into the pillows and closed his eyes.
“You’re right about me. I came back not knowing he was dead and hoping to kill him, but he was already a year dead then. Asa Preston killed him. He told me how he laid in wait in the yard and threw the old devil down the well when he went out to the privy.”
He heard Jason blow out a big breath. “I never thought it was you. I was afraid it was Eli or even Micah. Micah wouldn’t stay at the farm when Pa was alive, but he was in town that day. I never thought about you until I heard you were back. I thought you were dead. You didn’t kill him when I tried to make you. Why would I think it was you?”
So they were going to talk about the knife after all. Cal opened his eyes and looked at Jason’s troubled face.
“I’m sorry,” Jason whispered. “I wanted to do it myself. I knew I should, but I didn’t have the courage, and I thought you did.”
Courage. Not devil’s spawn evil or gut-curdling meanness. Cal closed his eyes again. “What I didn’t have was the strength. I wanted to do it, but I figured he’d swat me away like a fly and take the knife. If I hadn’t made it out by morning, I’d have tried, though. I was like a cornered animal by then. Whatever that is, it’s not courage.”
They sat in silence. Floorboards squeaked outside in the hall as someone walked by. Laughter sounded from downstairs.
Norah was right, Cal realized. They’d been two desperate boys so crazed with fear they were willing to do anything. Blaming Jason for giving him the knife hoping he’d use it was as useless as blaming himself for running knowing the price Jason would pay.
“Do you really think there’s a chance he repented at the end there?” Jason said finally.
“Not a one.”
“Me either. The preacher in town says I need to forgive him.”
“Why? The preachers are the ones who say there’s a hell, and if there is, he’s in it. If God won’t forgive him, why should we?”
“I’ll try that argument on Reverend Densmore next time I see him. You’re tired. I’ll get out of here now, but you come see us when you’re on your feet again.”
“Sure.” As Jason opened the door, Cal remembered. “Tell Micah he was right to bring me the letter. Tell him I won’t shoot him next time I see him.”
Jason managed a real grin at that. “I’ll let him sweat a while longer, but I’ll tell him.”
Someday he’d have to think more about the whole repentance thing, Cal decided. If there was a place other than hell where people like Jason and Norah would go, he’d better figure a way to get there with them and trust the devil could handle the likes of Uncle Henry and Abel Whales without help.
Too tired to worry about it, he slid down in the bed, pushed the pillows aside, and stretched flat on his stomach. If the medicine-woman-better-than-a-doctor didn’t say he could go home tomorrow, he’d shoot her and then hold a gun on anyone else he saw until Archie got the wagon and took him home. Or maybe he’d just crawl there.
He wanted to be home with Norah, hear only her voice, see only her face, eat only food she cooked. He wanted her beside him in the bed, her breath scented with cinnamon, her hair and skin with soap.
He wanted to take all the fear and worry out of her face, to find ways to make her smile, make her laugh. He wanted to be strong enough to make love to her all day. Yes, love.
He slept and dreamed of the Girl.
A
FTER LEAVING CAL
with his cousins, Norah hurried downstairs and outside. Emma Sutton sat on the porch steps, baby Miriam in her arms, Judith beside her. Deborah stood by herself next to what must be the Sutton wagon.
“Cousin Norah!” Judith squealed.
Norah lifted the little girl into her arms, hugging hard. “Can this be Judith? The Judith I knew was a little girl. This girl is inches taller, I’m sure.”
“It’s me. It’s me. I have a new dress and a new bonnet. See?”
As soon as Norah put her down, the little girl whirled with her arms out, telling about her new home and new adventures as fast as she could get the words out. Norah listened and laughed and returned the pleased and knowing look Emma gave her over Judith’s head.
“Can I play with Early?” Judith asked when she’d finally run down.
“Of course you can. He’d love to play with you. Throw a stick for him and he’ll fetch for you until your arm tires, and I’ll talk to your Aunt Emma and see if she’ll let me hold Miriam for a while.”
Judith found a stick and ran off with Early at her heels. Norah sat on the steps beside Emma and took Miriam onto her lap. “I’m so glad you came with Jason and Eli. You’ll never know how often I think of the girls and you and wonder how you’re doing.”
“We’re doing fine,” Emma said. “How is your husband? Jason’s been beside himself ever since Eli came home with news about the shooting.”
“It was close and frightening, but he’s well enough now that a visit will be good for him. He’s tired of being confined and tired of all of us fussing over him. Visitors will be good.”
Emma looked over at the wagon where Deborah fidgeted around a wheel. “I’m glad. What he did.... I don’t know how children survive it. I don’t know how he and Jason, Eli, and the others did. What I said before — the baby is the only one that’s really fine. Judith is doing well, but she has nightmares, and Deborah, I don’t know what to do to help her. I think she’s the only one he....” Emma tipped her head toward where Deborah stood alone. “She tries to stay by herself like that all the time.”
“It hasn’t been very long.”
“No, but it’s as if she dislikes me, and I don’t know how to change it. If only she’d talk to me. Oh, I’d better go get Judith.”
Judith and Early were running in circles, getting too near the wagon team. Emma left Norah with the baby, but instead of returning with Judith, diverted her in another direction and joined the tag game.
Footsteps sounded behind her, and Norah looked around to see Eli coming out of the house. He nodded to her but said nothing, continued across the yard, climbed to the wagon seat, and sat staring at nothing.