Beautiful Beast (Gypsy Heroes) (13 page)

SNOW

I
am washing my hands when the woman walks in. She stands next to me and looks at herself. I cannot help but stare. Blonde, and well over six feet tall in her high, white shoes she’s unbelievably beautiful. Her eyes are deep blue and she is wearing flash eyelashes, the tips of which she has dusted with silver. It has a very dramatic effect when she blinks. To my surprise she smiles warmly at me and I smile back.

‘Hi,’ she says. ‘I saw you come in with the boss.’ Her accent is quite strong, possibly Russian.

‘Yes,’ I say shyly. It’s going to take some time before I get used to thinking of Shane as my boyfriend.

‘I’m Nikki,’ she introduces.

‘You can call me Snow.’

‘Snow. Beautiful name for beauty.’

‘Oh, thank you, but you’re the real beauty here.’

She waves my compliment away modestly. ‘It’s all make-up. You should see me in the morning.’

‘I don’t believe that for an instant,’ I tell her. And that’s the truth. She would be beautiful without any make up. She’s perfect in every way. Tall, blonde, big breasts, stunning.

Haven’t I seen you here before?’ she asks opening her little clutch purse.

‘Not really,’ I say awkwardly.

She takes her lip gloss and unscrews it. ‘Yes, I have. I never forget a face. In this business you need to have a good memory.’ She smiles. ‘You know, which customer likes which move …’ She lets the sentence hang and applies a layer of gloss onto her bee stung lips and then turns to look at me again.

‘It’s been nice meeting you. Maybe I’ll see you around,’ I say.

She narrows her eyes at me. ‘Ah, I remember now. You’re Lenny’s woman.’ And she smiles happily. ‘I knew I had seen you before. Lenny is a good customer of mine,’ she says with a knowing wink. ‘But between you and me you’ve done well to dump him for Shane. Lenny’s very generous and all, but Shane’s brilliant in bed, isn’t he?’

I freeze. ‘I beg your pardon.’

‘Oh don’t worry. I’m not jealous or anything. We finished ages ago. I know all about his,’ she makes air quotation marks, ‘have cock will travel’ rules. He’s had at least twenty women since we broke up.’

‘What?’

She widens her eyes. ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to shock you or anything. I didn’t know you thought it was serious. Take it as a friendly warning, dahling, it’s never serious with Shane. He’s a total manwhore with a frisky donkey dick, but that’s what makes him so good in bed. Look, don’t worry about it. Just enjoy it while it lasts. Just don’t let him break your little heart. Good luck, sweetie.’

I think of Shane. The way we made love.
Have cock will travel!

My throat clogs. I’m so fucking pathetic.
You don’t eat all the candy from the candy shop
. Again and again I make the same mistake. I trust the wrong people. He doesn’t eat all the candy just the best pieces.

But he told me I was his. I belonged to him.

The air suddenly feels chilled. Her words are like frost covering my heart. Gooseflesh crawls on my skin. I feel cold. So cold. Even colder than when I stumbled out of that hotel room.

God, how stupid I’ve been. Of course a man as beautiful as he is will have loads of women after him. Of course he is a player. Look how he chased me even after he saw me with Lenny. I can’t believe I never saw it until now.

There is no puzzle to put together. A child could have worked it out. I was just too idiotic, too unhappy to see it. And there I was besotted, thinking he was the other half of my soul. He is just a courteous, charming player. Disgust crawls over my skin. I feel humiliated and used, again. All I want to do is run away.

Malicious amusement at my naivety glints in her eyes. Unshed tears scorch the backs of my eyes. I won’t give her the satisfaction.

‘Leave me alone now,’ I say. My voice is strangely detached.

I drop my eyes to my hands. They are still wet. I need to dry them. I walk over to the hand drier and hold my hands inside the machine. Hard jets of air blow on them. I hear the door open and close and I crumple. For a second I stand where I am with my back to the door, the poison spreading into my body, and then I walk to the it and stand just inside it. Afraid to open the open the door.

Oh, my poor heart. It still wants to believe.

But the cold truth was undeniable. She is right. I always knew he was a playboy, but I could not help myself, and after a while I started to believe in him. But if this stunning creature couldn’t keep him, what hope have I?

I have let Shane break my heart.

I open the door and the beautiful night creatures are going about their fun and laughter. Nothing has changed for them, but for me it feels as if I am dying. I start walking towards the entrance. I can make out Nikki. Her face is turned towards me, her claws sheathed, but her eyes filled with dark interest. I feel every cliché: the ground dropping out beneath my feet, my whole world shattering before my eyes, and our life together vanishing in a cloud of smoke.

My stomach twists and I start hurrying to the door. As I get closer, my feet speed up even more. Soon I am running. People are turning to stare, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to be out of this ugly place with its ugly, ugly people doing ugly, ugly things to each other. Tears soak my eyelashes and run down my face.

He’s just a habit. A very bad habit. But even the worst habits can be broken. I will survive. I survived the hotel room. This is nothing.

But tears keep pouring down my face.

I run out of the club and suddenly find myself in the deserted parking lot. The night is so sultry it is almost muggy, but I feel cold and numb. My life seems like a dream that I’m walking through with my eyes closed. Making mistake after mistake after mistake. Ignoring every clue.

I look around me in confusion. How will I get home? I have no money. My hands are shaking. I bow my head to think and when I lift it, suddenly, and bewilderingly, I am surrounded by men. Where did they come from? Who are they?

I peer at them and they look like they are part of a stag night party because one of them is wearing a pair of felt antlers. He comes up to me and touches me. I freeze. Another touches my hand.

‘Come on, love. Give us a kiss.’

One of them takes a note out of his pocket. ‘Go on love, he’s getting married tomorrow.’

Another one says, ‘Come guys. Leave her alone. She’s scared shitless.’

‘Fuck off, Larry. It’s just a bit of fun,’ says the guy who took the note out of his pocket. And the rest of them laugh.

Somewhere in my head I realize that they think I am one of the strippers. That they are not going to hurt me. They just want to buy a kiss for the groom, but a kind of paralysis has swept over me and my whole body is in lockdown. I cannot move a muscle.

Only my eyes swivel over them in terror. And then the fear comes.

I am so exposed. So utterly vulnerable. They could take me. There are six. I want to scream. I want to run. But my body does nothing. I can’t understand what is happening to my body. I am frozen I have become petrified. Like those tree fossils from millions of years ago. It is incomprehensible and terrifying.

My purse has fallen on the floor and all the contents have fallen out. One of the guys comes really close to me. ‘What’s wrong, sugar? Are you all right? We’re not going to hurt you.’

His breath reeks of alcohol.

I look at him wordlessly.

‘Hey, look at that. She can’t move.’

He starts to laugh. Tears start rolling down my face. Daringly he touches my breast. And yet I can do nothing. He sniggers. ‘Shit, this chick is like a statue. We could take her home with us.’

The other guys crowd around me curiously. It is exactly like it was before. I was frozen and tears were escaping fast from my eyes and no one cared. They just went on doing whatever they wanted to me.

Suddenly there is a great roar and wind whooshes by me. I stare in shock as Shane punches the guy with the antlers and kicks the guy who wanted to take me home, to the ground. I have never seen the primal animal inside him, and I stare transfixed.

He is so achingly beautiful. Like an animal. No rules. Perfectly unfettered, free to extract whatever punishment he wants. There is no pretense, no nod to what is socially acceptable. He just surrenders to the beast inside him.

In the commotion the other men are screaming, ‘What the fuck?’

‘Hey, we didn’t mean her any harm.’

‘We didn’t fucking do nothing,’ is the cowardly defense to Shane’s fury and fists. 

Two of them turn and run away. The bouncers appear and Shane is putting his arm around me.

He bends his knees and looks into my face. I just stare at him. He is white about the mouth. His hand is bleeding. He cups my face with his hands.

‘Are you all right?’ he asks. His voice confuses me. It is strange and different. As if he is speaking a different language.

I take a shuddering breath and open my mouth to say, yes, but no words will come out. I close my mouth.

‘It’s OK. It’s OK. I’m here,’ he says and crushes me to his chest. I am trembling so hard he pulls back and looks at me worriedly.

I know the bouncers are all around me, but I don’t see them. I know Shane is holding me, but I can’t feel it. Some one is picking up my things from the ground and putting them back into my purse. Shane gives his car keys to someone who brings the car right next to us. Shane opens the car door and puts me in it. We drive back to his home in complete silence. Once we get there he comes around and lifts me bodily from the car.

‘I can walk,’ I croak.

‘It’ll be faster this way,’ he says. In the lift I feel his eyes staring down at me, but I keep my head bent.

Inside the apartment he lays me on the couch and goes to the liquor cabinet. He pours us both brandies. A super large one for him, which he throws down his throat, and a smaller one that he brings to me. I take it and curve my hands around the cold glass. He sits opposite me. His face is still pale under his tan.

‘Do you want a hot drink?’ he asks.

I shake my head.

‘Drink up,’ he instructs.

I take a gulp and the alcohol runs through my body like fire.

‘Finish it,’ he says.

I do it and he leans forward and takes the glass from my hand.

I look up at him to say thank you and my breath is stolen from me at the strange unfathomable expression on his face. ‘Why did you leave the club?’ he asks.

‘I went to the Ladies and met Nikki.’ My voice is emotionless. Truly I don’t feel any of the emotion I felt before. I just feel like a shell.

His face crumples. ‘Oh, Snow. What do you want from me? I’ve never pretended with you. You knew what I was. I chased pussy. But, every one of those girls knew exactly where they stood with me from day one. I never cheated on anyone and certainly not her. Yes, I slept with her, but she was never anything to me and she knew that.’

‘It was just a shock. I guess I am more jealous than what I thought.’

He looks at me curiously. ‘What actually happened outside the club?’

‘I’m really tired, Shane. Can we please talk about it in the morning?’

‘OK, let’s get you in bed.’

And the truth is, the trauma with Nikki and what happened outside the club has actually utterly exhausted me. I feel numb. The whole night is like a dream. My eye lids are so heavy they close even as my head touches the pillow. The last thing I remember before I fall into a deep sleep is his large, strong hand curling around mine.

He whispers something in my ear, but I don’t catch it.

SNOW

One year before …

‘Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next.’

                                                    —Lewis Carroll,
Alice in Wonderland

K
im, my new roommate in the YHA hostel, was not strictly beautiful, but she was attractive, with bright laughing eyes, dark shiny hair and, as I said before, had the biggest grin I’d ever seen in my life. And I warmed to her instantly.

‘And I’m Snow,’ I said.

‘Cool name. So where’re you from then?’ she asked.

‘India.’

She looked me up and down. ‘No kidding. I thought Indians were brown.’

‘Mostly. There are fair Indians up north, but in my case my mother is English and my father half-Portuguese.’

‘So you … like just arrived.’

‘Today,’ I said.

‘And you’ve never been to this part of the world before?’

‘First time,’ I said with a huge smile.

‘Excellent. I’m from Australia. I’ll show you everything. I know all the happening, fun places. I presume you don’t have much money.’

‘Afraid so.’

‘No problem. Part time work is so easy to get. You’ll have to apply for a National Insurance number first, and that will take like six weeks to come through.’

My eyes widen. ‘Six weeks!’ I exclaim.

‘But,’ she grins, ‘in the meantime you can just work illegally.’

‘Really? Doing what?’

‘Anything. Waitressing, bar tending, dancing in clubs, babysitting anything that gives you cash in hand. You’re so gorgeous you could even make mega bucks as an escort.’

‘An escort?’

‘Yeah, all these lonely businessmen come to London to do business, and they pay hundreds of pounds for someone to sit with them and keep them company while they eat their dinner.’

‘Don’t they expect you to sleep with them after that?’

‘No, you can say no, if you don’t want to. It’s up to you.’

I shake my head. ‘No, that doesn’t sound like me. I’m too shy to do something like that.’

‘I’ve done it before. It’s really, really good money.’

‘You have?’ I asked, shocked.

‘Sure,’ she said airily. ‘I didn’t sleep with a whole bunch of them. Finally, this really handsome American guy booked me and I’d have paid to sleep with him. So I did and he gave me $500.00. And you know the best part? When you go back to your own country nobody will ever know. Want to try? We can do it together.’

I frowned. ‘Sounds like fun, but that’s just not me.’

‘Right. Let’s cross that off the list. Can you do secretarial work?’

I bite my lip. ‘No.’

‘No sweat. You can wait tables, right?’

‘I’ve never done it before, but I’m a fast learner.’

‘That’s the spirit. We’ll register you with a catering employment agency tomorrow and see how that goes, ok?’

‘OK,’ I agreed happily. ‘Besides, I’m not afraid of working hard in a restaurant kitchen, doing washing up or something like that.’

‘Great, we’ll do that tomorrow. Let’s hit the town tonight.’

‘Tonight? No, I just arrived. You go on ahead. I might just have an early night. And anyway, I’m afraid to waste the little money I have on a night on the town.’

‘Oh, come on, don’t be a spoilsport. We have to celebrate your arrival tonight because it’s ladies’ night. You won’t have to spend a penny. The taxi and everything else will be my treat. I’ll take you to this amazing place in Earls Court. It’s jam-packed with Australian surfer-type blond boys. I promise, they’ll love you.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Absolutely.’

I looked at her gratefully. ‘Thank you so much, Kim. I was a bit scared of how I was going to cope, but now you’ve made it all so easy and such fun.’

She grinned good-naturedly. ‘Don’t thank me. I’m using you as bait. In order to get to you they’re going to have to buy me some free drinks too.’

‘You don’t need me to attract a man, Kim,’ I said sincerely. ‘You’re really attractive.’

‘Yeah, I’m not ugly, but I’m no beauty. I know that.’

‘You are beautiful in my eyes. You have a beautiful soul,’ I said, and she smiled back at me.

That night we got ready. I didn’t have anything sexy enough so Kim lent me her pink mini-dress. It was made of Lycra and clung to every curve. I stood in front of the mirror uncertainly.

‘You look amazing,’ she said.

‘You don’t think I look too slutty?’

‘You couldn’t look slutty if you tried, babe,’ she said. ‘You have more class in your little finger than Kim Kardashian has in her whole body.’

She got into a backless orange dress, which set off her dark hair. I helped her put a fake tattoo on her back. Then we were both ready. She looked me up and down.

‘You look great. Really great.’

‘So do you.’

‘Thanks, Snow.’

And so we went out. First we went to a pub. We had many offers, but Kim was very protective of me. Whenever it seemed someone was getting too familiar, she pulled me away. I had two glasses of white wine and I was already feeling a bit tipsy.

‘I hate to be a killjoy, but I really have to get back,’ I said.

‘No, no, you’ll sober up after we eat some food. The real fun hasn’t even started yet. You have to come to this club. It’s so awesome. Even celebrities go there.’

‘Can’t we go tomorrow?’

‘No, we’re out now. Remember, ladies’ night. Come on. It’ll be fun. I promise. Please, please?’

‘All right,’ I relented.

She started jumping on the spot. ‘Thank you.’

So we left the pub and went down the road to a kebab shop. Kim had a burger and I got myself a chicken kebab. Kim insisted on paying for everything.

‘My treat, remember?’ she said.

W sat on high chairs facing the glass windows and ate our meals. And as men passed on the street, they looked in and gawked at us. We laughed back at them and I swear that at that moment I never had the slightest inkling of what awaited just a few hours away. Not a clue. All I felt was a sense of freedom. I was in England and I was doing what I wanted to do. I knew I had made the right decision to leave India. My new life in England stretched out full of excitement and promise.

After we ate, we took a taxi. From the outside, the club did not look glamorous at all. It was tucked away on one of the small streets off Earl’s Court road, but I couldn’t find my way back there when I tried many months later.

There were two bouncers standing outside. As Kim had said, it was free for women that night so we sailed through. By then it was half past eleven. It was in the basement so we went down some stone steps into a small cramped area that was lit by red lights. A bored woman taking money off some guys barely glanced at us as we went through a black door into the club.

There was a dancing area and a few people were rubbing up each other, but mostly people were in dark corners making out.

‘Come on,’ Kim said, pulling me by the hand to the bar. As my eyes got used to the dark, I realized that the place was mostly full of men. There was no one our age. Both the men and women seemed to be decades older. And there were definitely no celebrities. The place could be described in one word. Seedy.

I looked at Kim, surprised. ‘This is it?’

She tapped her nose. ‘They come incognito. Wait until a bit later. For the meantime look at that guy checking you out.’ A man with grey in his hair was staring at me. When he saw me looking back at him he smiled and nodded. And I don’t know why I felt the hairs at the back of my neck rise in fear. I turned back quickly to Kim.

‘Listen, Kim. I don’t like it in here. I don’t want to stay.’

‘Just give it five minutes,’ she pleaded. ‘It’s really good.’

‘OK, five minutes,’ I said.

At that moment she saw someone she knew. She waved at him and he started to come over. He was more our age and I relaxed a little.

‘Hey, Andrew,’ she greeted and threw herself at him. He kissed her on both cheeks and then looked at me. ‘And who have you got here?’

‘This is Snow. Are you going to buy us a drink?’

‘Of course. What are you girls drinking?’

‘A double gin and tonic,’ Kim said.

‘Orange juice,’ I said reluctantly. I really wanted to leave, but I felt too frightened to find my own way back to the hostel so late at night. I knew I had too little money to take a taxi back. Back home I would have been driven to the club and the driver would be waiting outside to pick me up.

The drinks appeared on the bar next to Kim; she took them and passed mine to me. As I sipped my drink, Kim and Andrew carried on talking about people I didn’t know. I was starting to feel really, really tired. In fact, I was getting so tired that I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

‘Can we go home, Kim?’ I asked.

‘What’s the matter with you?’ Kim queried, a frown on her forehead. ‘Are you all right?’

‘No, I feel dizzy. Maybe I’m jetlagged, and with the alcohol …’ I mumbled.

I felt as if I had no legs. Nothing to hold me up. As if my head was free-floating. In fact, my whole body seemed to be ‘gone.’

I tried to widen my eyes and focus on Kim, but it felt as if I was detached from my body and physical surroundings. It was like being in a dream or a nightmare. Everything is fluid and strange. You move differently. I saw her grab my arm without really feeling anything. Neither fear or panic. There was no emotion at all. I felt Andrew and Kim grab my body and start helping me out of the club.

I couldn’t walk.

‘She just needs a bit of fresh air,’ she told the bouncers. I could feel my legs hitting the concrete steps, but I felt no pain.

‘You all right, love?’ the bouncer asked.

I wanted to tell him that I had not drunk a lot, but the effort was too much. But even then I did not panic. If only I had made a real effort to tell him, everything would have been different. I was watching with great detachment as Andrew and Kim walked me down the sidewalk. We came to a car. Andrew opened it and together they put me inside. Both of them got into the front.

I remember dry heaving.

‘Is she all right?’ Andrew said.

Kim turned to me. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll take care of you,’ she said, but her voice was echoing.

When she turned and talked with Andrew, their voices felt like they were coming from very far away or from underwater. Then I blacked out. When I came to again, Andrew was pulling me out of the car and carrying me. The sidewalk was wet. I felt the drizzle fall on my face. I tried to talk. I wanted to know where Kim was, but I could not open my mouth. I had no control of any part of my body. I felt a shaft of fear then. It crawled into my head on all fours.

‘Don’t try to talk. It’s OK. Everything is going to be OK,’ he whispered.

But I remember thinking that he looked nervous.

Then I blacked out again.

When I came around, I still couldn’t move a single muscle and I was in that dreadful hotel room.