Beautiful Broken Mess (6 page)

“Where’s Jace?” I ask, not caring if I’m interrupting him or not.

He freezes for a second and frowns at me, and I wonder if he’s trying to figure out why I’m asking him about his brother. “Audrey, are you listening to anything I’m saying? This is not a good time. I need to find Emerson, and you can’t be here when I bring her back.”

I don’t know who Emerson is, but damn… poor girl. Jax and I “dated” for three months, and I’m still surprised I stuck around that long. Jax is wild and just too much to handle. He has a nice side, but even that got on my nerves. He could never make a decision to save his life. Every time we sat in his Camaro trying to choose where we should eat, we’d go back and forth, telling the other to just pick something. Meanwhile, all I could think about was that I bet Jace would’ve just taken charge and we’d already be eating by now.

“I don’t need to be here when Emerson comes, Jaxon. Just point me toward Jace.”

“Jace is fucking busy!” he yells. “He’s out there making something out of himself. Shouldn’t you be in Texas taking care of your child and screwing physics teachers?” I know he’s upset, and maybe in his mind, he has a right to be. But something else has to be going on in his life because Jax was never mean. Even when everything went sour between us, he had never been intentionally cruel the way he’s being now.

“You don’t know a damn thing about my life,” I state in a hard tone and stand to make my way toward his door. I may be able to let cruel words roll off my back, but in the last few years, I’ve also acknowledged that I don’t have to listen to them. And Jaxon brought up the one thing I wasn’t going to talk about. Lane is the only person on this planet who knows what really happened. Lane is the only person who ever cared to ask. No one asked. Not my mother, not my father, not Jaxon--no one cared enough to even ask.

As I make my way out of Jax’s bedroom, I find myself face-to-face with the one person that haunts my dreams. I want to hug him and I want to hit him. I hate that I still think about him. I mean, we met, we had coffee once, and we kissed twice. Why after three years do I still feel a connection with him? Have I just built him up in my head? Maybe it’s because he was the first person, outside of Mrs. Thomas and Nico, to show me real kindness. Or maybe it’s the fact that every time I saw him after that fateful day, he looked at me with such longing I swear I could feel it in my bones.

“Audrey…” he whispers in shock. He gives me
that
look, and I can immediately tell he still feels it. Maybe it’s purely just an attraction, but the electricity buzzing within me proves there is still something between us.

Behind me, I hear Jaxon curse under his breath. “Ignore her, Jace. Get back in here, Audrey,” he says, pulling me back into his room. I almost cry at being so close to Jace, and once again not being able to do anything about it.

This is icy territory that I’m still not sure how to approach. I could just blurt out the truth to Jaxon. I want to, God, do I want to. I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him how I’ve only wanted Jace since the moment I met him. In a way, I know Jaxon won’t care that I had only been with him to waste time. He already knew that.

The morning he brought me back home for breakfast after Cole’s party, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Right away, I refused. But then he explained that he thought I was a cool chick and we could have some fun together. He also wanted to get his mom and brother off his back, since apparently he’d been acting wild lately. He claimed that if he had a steady girlfriend, maybe they would lay off him and not worry so much. Stupidly, I actually considered his crazy idea.

When I later realized that Jace was a lost cause, I explained to Jax that I cared about someone I couldn’t have, and that the only way I would “date” him was if he knew that it wouldn’t be going anywhere. I also wanted to get away from my house more often. He completely agreed, saying he really only needed a buffer to keep his mom at bay. I didn’t have normal parents, so I had no idea what he was talking about.

We crafted this strange sort of relationship and friendship between us. I won’t lie, we had a good time together. But there was always something missing for both of us. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have agreed to it, but I was young and stupid and just trying to find an escape from my home life.

For the next three years, I compared every guy I came across to Jace, and they always came up short. That’s when Lane decided I needed to try and do something about it. I hadn’t seen Jaxon in years and I hoped the fact that we had never been in love would help to sway Jace’s opinion on the matter. Maybe Jace just needed to see that I never really meant anything to his brother and that it had always been him for me.

Nevertheless, when Jaxon pulled me away from Jace and back into his room, I realized it wasn’t my story to tell. This is his twin brother we’re talking about here. If Jace didn’t want him to know, I couldn’t hurt him even more by telling Jaxon. I spent the entire week trying to get Jace alone, but he slipped in and out of the apartment like a ghost and I couldn’t get him to listen for even a second. Halfway through the week, he stopped coming back to the apartment altogether.

When I finally met Emerson, I instantly despised her. Not because she was beautiful, and not because I sat around all week listening to Cole and Jax talk about her like she walked on water. None of that bothered me. What made me seethe was that the first time I met her, Jace had his arm around her shoulders. Who the hell was this girl, and how did she have all of these guys wrapped around her little finger?

Cole’s new girlfriend lived next door, and from what I was able to gather, she was Em’s best friend. I figured out that Jace had been hiding out over there, so every day I tried to stay close to the door in hopes that I could catch him. One day I heard him outside the apartment calling out to Quinn and I jumped up to open the door. He was already running down the hallway and heading out toward the parking lot. I was still in my pajamas and my hair was in a messy bun on the top of my head, but I didn’t care. My time was running out. Lane had called that morning to ask about my progress, and when I told him I was still at square one, he told me that I needed to kick it into high gear. I had classes to get back to.

Jace came back down the hallway with one arm wrapped around a beautiful, blonde-haired girl who could only be the infamous Emerson. His opposite hand was holding a large duffel bag. I winced, knowing that I was going to have to do this in front of her. But before I could even get introductions in, I had already pissed off Jace.

I wasn’t trying to be snarky when I said, “You must be the golden girl, Em, all of my boys are talking about.” I was trying to lighten the mood and get her to hang around for a while. I knew if she left, Jace would follow.

She didn’t even get the opportunity to reply. Jace icily told me to go away, and then he slipped into Quinn’s apartment behind Em. Behind the closed door, I heard their muffled voices and thanked the heavens I couldn’t make out what they had to say about me. Right then, I realized that maybe I was once again making a fool out of myself. I slid down the wall to the ground and cried quietly into my hands.

~~~~~~~~~~

Since it’s my last day here, I take a walk to try and actually enjoy this beautiful city. Last night, I finally came to the conclusion that this trip has been a failure. There’s a thin line between determined and pathetic, and I had crossed over into pathetic territory. I need to go home and just get Jace out of my head. Yes, I wish he would have listened to what I had to say, but I can’t keep thinking about someone who won’t even talk to me.

After watching the early morning surfers, I decide to attempt a different direction back to the apartment and happen upon the giant campus where Jace and Jax attend. The grounds really are quite beautiful with their red brick buildings, spectacular fountains, and towering palm trees scattered throughout. The library alone is a sight to behold. There’s a giant water fountain out front and a long garden filled with red and gold flowers. If I attended this school, I would love to sit out here between classes and listen to the relaxing sounds of the fountain.

Eventually, I come across Jaxon sitting under a tree in the middle of a beautiful courtyard. I hesitate for a moment, trying to figure out if it’s really such a great idea talking to him again. I finally come to the conclusion that I need to at least apologize for taking over his living room this week, and let him know that I won’t be bothering him again.

As I start to walk toward him, I notice Emerson approach him first. He lifts his head to look at her with a smirk on his face and a look of adoration in his eyes. I haven’t spoken to Jaxon much while I’ve been here, since he’s spent all of his time either sulking in his room or talking to Cole about Emerson. But if this week hadn’t already proved it, that look alone would have told me how crazy he is about her. It’s obvious she’s really done a number on this guy, because I never thought Jaxon Riley would be this whipped by just one girl.

As I approach, I think about what I should say. Maybe if I joke around with them, they’ll be more inclined to talk to me. Maybe if I get on Emerson’s good side, she will show me some female solidarity and help me find Jace.

I call out before I reach them so I won’t overhear a private conversation. “There you are!” I smile toward them.

Jaxon slams his textbook shut and stands up, glaring at me. I decide to turn my smile toward Emerson, but she’s only watching him.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, Jaxy,” I say, while inwardly cringing at my awkward attempt at sounding light-hearted. I guess not having many friends throughout life has made me socially incompetent. I have never called Jaxon by that nickname in the past and I can’t believe I just called him that now.

“What are you doing here, Audrey? I said I would come back to meet you at the apartment after my classes,” Jaxon growls at me.

Think of something, Audrey
. “What, I can’t come hang out with my hubby? Besides, it doesn’t look like you’re in class anyway,” I joke. Sometimes I still can’t believe that we were so immature to run off and get married. But then again, I had already made the biggest mistake of my life four weeks before that…

“HUBBY?” Emerson gasps.
Uh-oh…

“Audrey, shut the hell up!” Jaxon yells, while reaching for Emerson.

As he calls out to her retreating form, I realize that I just made Mess #7,594. She obviously didn’t know about our sham of a marriage that was immediately annulled, and my big mouth just tried to joke about it.

“She didn’t know? Jaxon… I’m so sorry…. I figured since you two are together… she had to know…. Shit! I’m so sorry. I was trying to make a joke.”

He points directly at me and says, “Go home. Not my home. Yours.”

I know Lane has a night class and I don’t want him to have to skip, so he’ll have to come back up to get me tomorrow morning. “I leave first thing in the morning,” I assure him.

“You bought a ticket?” he asks tersely.

“Sure,” I reply and begin my walk back to the apartment. Once Jace finds out I’ve pissed off Em, he definitely won’t want to talk to me either.

Basically, the whole week has been one big, fat flashing neon sign telling me to forget about this whole pipe dream I’ve had and move on. The one thing I can say is that I’ll never look back on this time and regret not trying. I’ve made the effort and gone the distance. Once again, no one has put in any energy toward me. I need someone who wants to meet me halfway, and I deserve it. Besides, I need to stop lusting after a guy I met three years ago, and who has barely said a handful of words to me since.

Jace doesn’t want me, I finally understand that, and Jaxon never even tried to speak to me amicably. Anytime I approached him, he practically snarled at me. If this had been four years ago, I would have been able to think of a million different reasons why people should hate me. Not now though. Now I think Jaxon is an asshole and Jace just doesn’t care.

~~~~~~~~~~

Present day…

I slowly return from my painful memories to hear whispering coming from outside of the kitchen. I’m supposed to be unpacking, but the furthest I’ve gotten is taking three glass mugs out of one cardboard box.

“Watch this boy.” I look into the dining room and see Lane sitting at our table with Chuck between his legs. “And… she’s back,” he says, patting Chuck’s copper-colored fur. “Wow doll, that must have been a good one.”

I have always had a habit of zoning out for long periods of time, which is probably a side effect of my past. If you imagine yourself anywhere else, you just might forget about what’s happening in the present. While I don’t get beat anymore, I still find myself getting lost in thought all of the time. It’s easy for my mind to slip in and out. Lane likes to make light of the subject, but I can tell it worries him.

“How long was I out?” I ask, as I begin putting the remaining mugs into the cabinet.

“I’m not sure, but it was a while. I finished unpacking the truck, and then Chuck and I sat here waiting for your return.”

Moving here has been throwing me off lately. “Damn, I really need to snap out of it. How am I supposed to pay attention in class again soon?”

“I hate to say ‘I told you so,’ but you shouldn’t have gotten a taste. Ever since winter break, it’s only gotten worse. You should have already learned your lesson from your disaster visit up to see him. You need to go out there and just bang someone new. It’ll help, I swear,” he chuckles, while giving me his devilish grin. I know he’s full of shit because he rarely lets any guy near me.