He threw a glance her way, and she knew he was still debating whether or not he should let her go without him.
“We’ll be fine,” she said, coming to her feet and walking to him. “We’re going to the graveyard and nowhere else. I’ll get back home while you’re still at work.”
“Stay together,” he commanded both of them. “Text me immediately with any change in plans. Even if it’s just going out for coffee.”
“Okay,” she promised.
“I mean it,” he ordered.
“I will,” Chase agreed.
“I won’t let her out of my sight,” Lauren vowed as she stood.
“I’ll be fine,” Chase tried to assure him.
Finally, he nodded. “I’ll get your coat then walk you two down.”
Lauren nudged Chase’s shoulder and smiled when Chase turned to her. “Can’t believe you thought about calling things off with him,” she whispered.
Chase agreed. She had no intention of ever giving Phillip up. She loved him, hoped to get married one day and have children with him. Maybe, he’d want the same thing, eventually.
He came back with his coat already on, hers tossed over his arm. He bundled her into it then handed her a scarf, gloves and hat. She felt like a child until he dropped a kiss on her lips that warmed her more than any of the other things he’d given her.
He ushered them out the door, pulling it closed behind them and tugging on his gloves as they headed out. A cold blast of air hit them, and Chase was grateful he’d been so thoughtful with her winter gear. He walked them to Lauren’s car and held the passenger door open for her while Lauren went around to the driver’s side.
“Be careful. Anything makes you feel uneasy, you call me,” he warned her again.
“I will. Try not to worry about me,” she urged, knowing it was a fruitless request even when she made it.
“I love you,” he whispered and bent down to drop another kiss on her lips.
“I love you,” she murmured when he pulled away.
“I’ll see you when I get home,” he promised, but he stayed on the sidewalk and watched as Lauren put the car in gear and pulled away.
“That man has it bad,” Lauren said.
“We both do,” Chase agreed, only moving her gaze from the window when Lauren turned the corner and Phillip wasn’t visible anymore.
They were both silent on the drive out of town. The cemetery where Jocelyn had been laid to rest was just outside Chicago, in the suburb they’d all grown up in. Jocelyn had lived there, and Lauren still did. Both of them had chosen to commute into the city, while Chase lived there with Phillip. Jocelyn had been talking about moving in with Seth. Chase wished her friend could have done that.
“How’re your parents?” she asked to fill the silence.
“Okay,” Lauren mumbled then shook her head. “That’s a lie. Mom’s a mess. Dad’s trying to be strong for all of us, but I’ve overheard him crying in his office.”
Chase nodded, not sure what to say.
“I’m moving back home,” Lauren added after a few minutes. “Just for a little bit. My lease is up, and I think they need me there.”
“What about you?” Chase asked.
“I need it, too,” Lauren confessed.
“I’m not sure what I would have done if Phillip hadn’t taken me back,” Chase admitted. “There’s no way I’d want to be alone right now. I’m guessing I was staying with Jocelyn,” she said, and Lauren nodded. “I figured. She wouldn’t have allowed me to go anywhere else. Eventually, I’ll have to see what I left there, take it back home.”
“I’ve been packing things up at the house. I’ve got your stuff all gathered and boxed up for you,” Lauren said.
“Thank you. I should have been there helping you.”
“You’ve been recovering. Mentally and emotionally as well as physically, I bet. No one blames you for that.”
Chase nodded. It was good to hear, especially when she still had moments where she felt guilty.
“Seeing you and Phillip together was nice,” Lauren said, tossing Chase a brief glance, a soft smile on her face. “You aren’t going anywhere.”
“We love each other. He said I ended things because I was afraid of being with a cop,” Chase said. “I don’t understand that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I do, but I don’t. If that makes any sense.”
“Perfect,” Lauren said with a laugh.
“I worry about him constantly. I think it comes with the package of dating a police officer. Part of me will always be terrified of that knock on the door to let me know he’s hurt or—God forbid—dead.”
“That makes perfect sense,” Lauren agreed.
“I was already living with that, though. I’m not sure why it suddenly became something I couldn’t deal with, especially with how much I love him.”
Lauren shrugged. “I don’t know, and I’m guessing you don’t remember.”
“No.”
“Maybe, it had something to do with the two cops killed in the line of duty recently?” Lauren suggested. “Something like that would give anyone pause.”
“Phillip said the same thing, but I don’t remember that,” Chase said. Had the officers been people she’d met? Surely, Phillip would have mentioned if the officers had been friends. She’d have to ask him later just to be sure.
“More importantly, do you feel that way now? That you can’t handle the worry?” Lauren asked.
“No,” Chase stated emphatically. “I don’t want to think of my life without him in it.”
“Then don’t worry about it. Leave the past in the past, and focus on now.” Lauren pulled over and put the car in park. “We’re here,” she said.
They both looked out the windshield at the rows of stones etched with the names and dates of those who were no longer with them. Somewhere out there was a grave for Jocelyn.
“Ready?” Lauren asked, and Chase nodded.
It was a lie, though. Despite how long it had taken her to get here, she still wasn’t ready.
Chapter Six
They stood side by side as they faced the cold slab of marble. A name, dates and scattered words would never be enough to sum up the life of a person.
Daughter. Sister. Friend.
Jocelyn was so much more than those things.
“I’m going to walk over to the other family plot,” Lauren said. “Give you a few minutes alone. Just don’t tell your boyfriend.”
“I won’t,” Chase said. “Thanks, Lauren.”
“I understand needing a few minutes alone to say goodbye,” Lauren stated simply then turned to head a short distance away.
Chase stood there for a long moment just staring down at the marble.
“I remember the first day I met you,” she whispered, leaning down to touch the stone. “You told me we were going to be best friends, and we were. My life was so much more because you were in it.” Tears slipped from her eyes, but she didn’t bother wiping them. There’d just be more to take their place.
“My whole life is filled with memories of you, of us. The laughter, so much laughter, and tears, too. I can’t remember a time when you weren’t with me.” She dropped to her knees, barely feeling the wet or cold as her jeans met the snowy ground and soaked it in. “I feel guilty, so guilty for being the one to survive. I’m selfish enough to be grateful to be here, to have Phillip and the chance for a life with him. That makes me feel even guiltier. The worst part is, I can’t even bring you justice. I remember so much, except the one thing I need to. What happened that night, Jocelyn? Why did we stop? Why did we split up? Who did this to us? Who killed you? God help me, I can’t remember, no matter how hard I try.”
She leaned her head on the stone, sobbing her hurt and frustration, her grief and guilt. Jocelyn’s parents had gone with a black marble that she would have loved. In the bottom corner, under the three words used to sum up her life, was a sleeping angel that looked remarkably like Jocelyn. “Help me remember, Jocelyn. Please, help me make sure the person who did this pays. Help me,” she whispered.
She sat there, waiting for something, anything, to come to her. A memory that would tell her something about that night.
“Chase?” Lauren’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts and had her looking up. “Come on,” she said, holding out her hand to help Chase up. “Your jeans are soaked through.”
“I’m okay,” Chase said automatically.
“No, you’re not,” Lauren argued as she pulled Chase toward the car. “You’re shivering so hard your teeth are chattering. We’ll crank the heat and see if we can get you warmed up. Phillip will kill me if you end up back in the hospital with pneumonia.”
She bundled Chase into the car, making her smile because it reminded her so much of something Jocelyn would do.
“We should probably see about getting you some dry clothes. We could go by my place, but my stuff will be too big for you,” Lauren said as they sat and waited for the heat to kick on. “I… We could go by Jocelyn’s place. You have stuff there.”
“I can’t… We can’t…” Chase shook her head.
“You can’t sit around in wet clothes, and it’ll take too long to get back to your apartment. The heat’s as high as it will go, and you’re still shivering. I can’t lose you, too. Not now,” Lauren wailed.
Chase finally snapped out of her sorrow enough to really look at Lauren. The other girl was pale, cheeks flushed from cold but damp with fresh tears. Chase felt guilty, again. Just because Lauren had given her some time didn’t mean she wasn’t still grieving as well.
“Lauren.” Chase reached over and touched her arm. “I’m sorry.”
“I can’t lose you, too,” Lauren sobbed. “You’re the only one who loved her like I did. I mean, of course, my parents loved her. It’s just not the same as the bond between sisters. You had that bond with her, too. God, Chase. I can’t believe she’s gone.”
“Me, either,” Chase agreed, fresh tears pouring from her eyes.
They held each other for the longest time until Chase finally eased back.
“You’re right,” she said. “We need to stop somewhere so I can at least dry my clothes.”
“Yeah,” Lauren agreed, sniffling. “Maybe some hot cocoa?”
Chase laughed, which set Lauren off laughing, too.
“Jocelyn would be shaking her head at both of us,” Chase said. “Let’s go to her house. See what’s what there. I think it’d be better if we did it together.”
“Thanks,” Lauren said, sounding guilty. “I’ve been trying to stop in and sort things out, and Nicole’s been helping me deal with it. I put a box together for Seth. Some things of his that Jocelyn had.”
“I know it’s been hard,” Chase said. “Look how long it took me to get here. I’m the last person to blame you for taking your time.”
“You better text Phillip then and let him know where we’re going,” Lauren urged.
“I will,” Chase said. “You drive. I’ll text.”
She’d just sent the message when her phone went off with a familiar ringtone.
“I just texted you,” she said as she answered.
“I know,” Phillip grunted. “You’re stopping by Jocelyn’s. Are you sure you’re up to that?”
“I’ll be okay,” Chase promised. “I think this is something Lauren and I need to do together.”
“Okay,” he agreed, and she heard something in his voice. “I’ll meet you there.”
“What? I thought you were working?”
“As I reminded them, I’m still on leave,” Phillip stated. “I’m leaving now. I can meet you in an hour. I’ll call Mom and let her know we’re going to be in town. We could have dinner there if that sounds good with you.”
“Sounds like a great idea.”
“Listen, be careful, okay?” Phillip said.
“I will be. I promise. Lauren and I will stay put until you get here.”
“I’m heading out now,” he told her. “I’ll get in touch with Mom. She’ll be happy to have her favorite child home for dinner.”
She laughed as she was sure he intended. “You must be referring to me. We both know you were the favorite, until she met me.”
“Just because she always wanted a daughter,” Phillip grumbled, making her laugh softly.
“We’re pulling up now,” Chase said. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
“I love you, Ace.”
“I love you.”
“You’ve got it so bad,” Lauren said. “Soon, there’ll be wedding bells and babies.”
Chase froze, a vision of Phillip on his knees with a ring box in his hand. He was looking up at her, his heart on his sleeve, asking her to marry him. Her chest ached. Was she remembering something or imagining what she wanted?
“Are you okay?” Lauren asked. “You went pale on me, again.”
Chase shook it off. “I’m fine. Sorry. I guess I’m starting to feel the cold.”
“Let’s get you inside. Nicole’s already at the door.”
Chase glanced over at the house, while Lauren pushed open her door. Lauren exchanged words with Nicole while Chase sat in the car.
“I’m going to pull into the garage,” Lauren said, getting back in the car. “It’ll be easier to carry boxes out to the trunk that way.”
Chase nodded, trying to concentrate on what Lauren was saying as she parked. Something was wrong. Her heart raced, beating so fast she couldn’t seem to catch her breath. It only got worse as the door came down, closing them in. What was going on? Jesus, if she didn’t know better, she’d swear she was having a panic attack. That was crazy.
Lauren opened the car door, and Chase knew the other girl was saying something, but she couldn’t make out the words. They were distorted as if she were hearing them through a windy tunnel. She jerked from the car, managing a few steps on shaky legs before falling on the garage’s cement floor. Her hands and knees took the brunt of the fall. She glanced up, trying to focus on Lauren, to force words past her lips, but her body wasn’t cooperating with her.
Nicole walked toward them, and the closer she came the worse Chase got. She couldn’t breathe. Her vision blurred. She didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense unless…
She blinked frantically, trying to clear her head, trying to clear her wavering vision. When she managed to focus, Lauren’s face was gone, replaced by Nicole’s.
“Nicole?” she panted. “I don’t feel well.” She shook her head, but the motion only made it worse. A headache pulsed behind her eyes, almost blinding her with the intensity of the pain. “I don’t understand,” she whimpered.
“You should have stayed asleep,” Nicole muttered.