Beautiful Illusions (39 page)

I nodded, as Ryan went into the house to get the dogs. Daniel stood outside, standing awkwardly. Ryan came back out with the dogs, who were hyper as usual. “Thanks, bro,” Ryan said, the dogs pulling him towards the car. They stopped to greet me, almost knocking me over. “Whoa,” Ryan said, pulling the dogs away from me.

I started in singing one of my songs for the dogs, happy that I had my voice back. I created songs for the dogs every day, usually putting my own words into a familiar tune. Ryan smiled, obviously happy that I was getting back to normal
.

Finally, we arrived back home. Ryan had already had the gym set up in the rec room downstairs. As I knew he would, he got the top of the line equipment – treadmills, Livestrong bikes, elliptical trainers, and a full circuit of weight machines that one would find in a gym
. I had my exercises that I needed to do every day, and I was getting stronger and stronger.

Everything was returning back to normal, but there was still a problem. I found that I was having nightmares every night and I was anxious and depressed. Ryan was very sensitive to my moods anyhow, because we were starting to know each other so well, and he was also on the lookout for signs of PTSD
. Plus, I refused to eat many of my meals, because I was afraid of getting heavy again, so I continued to lose weight.

This worried Ryan.

We were at the dinner table, and Ryan had cooked up one his fabulous meals, but I pushed the food around the plate.

“Don't you like my cooking anymore, love?”

“Of course. I just am not real hungry.”

“You have to eat
. You’re wasting away.”

I shook my head
. I finally felt that I looked ok, and I didn't want to gain the weight back.

“Iris, you really need to eat more. You need to keep up your strength while you’re getting better and stronger.
” Whenever he used my name he meant business, and this time was no different.

I said nothing, just continued to pick at my food, not meeting his eyes. I could see imagine his stare boring into me, and I could kind of see it in my peripheral vision. Sure enough, when I got the guts to actually look at him, he was staring at me, narrowing his eyes when my gaze met his. He looked pissed, confused and concerned, all at once. I quickly looked away, pushed away my plate, and left the table without a word
.  

That night, which was happening more and more frequently, I had vivid nightmares of being tortured. I was being burned with cigarettes, slashed with knives, beaten with a belt. It was always an unknown assailant. I always thought that I was going to die
. I would wake up in a cold sweat, and Ryan would get up with me to reassure me that I was safe.

I didn't feel safe, though.

As for going to the office, I just couldn't. Ryan had already arranged for my cases to be taken over by various attorneys, working with Melinda to make sure that everything got reassigned while I was in the hospital. So I no longer had an active practice, which was fine with me. I couldn't go to the office after what had happened to me there. Ryan didn't try to force me, either.

And Ryan still had not gone back to work. Caring for me was still his full-time job.

However, after a week of nightmares, days when I couldn't get out of bed, and not eating, Ryan decided that it was time to drag me to see Dr. Halder.

I shook my head
. “Please don't make me go. I’ll be good. I can handle this.”

“You need help. The woman I love is disappearing before my eyes. I can't bear to see you so tormented.”

I didn't want to see the shrink. I didn't want to be forced to relive what had happened.

But, of course I ended up going
. Ryan went with me for support, but he said that I should talk to him on my own. He waited in the waiting room, flipping through magazines, while I went inside.

“Hello, again, Iris,” Dr. Halder greeted me.

“Hello.”

He waited a few seconds, then asked me how I was.

“Not so good.”

He nodded. “Tell me about what brings you here.”

Surely he knows the story.
“Well, I was, uh...uh...” I looked at the doctor helplessly. “Could you please ask Ryan to come in here?”

Ryan came in and joined us
. I turned to him. “Could you please explain to Dr. Halder what happened to me?

“Honey, he knows what happened to you. He just needs you to talk about it.”

“Oh.” But I said nothing more.

The three of us sat in silence for a few minutes. I was shaking, and I was suffering a blinding headache that suddenly came on
. “I don't feel well,” I said. “Do you mind if I leave?”

“Of course, you can leave at any time.”

“Thanks.” I made an appointment for the next day. I wanted to make the appointment for the following week, but Ryan insisted that I try to come back the next day.

Over dinner that night, with me still pushing around my food and eating small bites, I asked Ryan what happened to Rochelle.

“She’s in prison, honey. She can't hurt you anymore.”

I shook my head. I didn't believe that
. My mind didn't allow me to believe it. I felt that Rochelle was still on the loose, and was still waiting for me to come out of the house so she could nab me again. This time, however, she would not let me live. I knew that for a fact.

“Prison? Don’t you mean jail?”
I asked. People were always referring to jail as prison, and prison as jail. As I was a former public defender, I was a stickler for the proper terminology.

“Yes, jail, sorry. She’s awaiting trial.”

“How come she isn’t out on bail?”

“She’s a flight risk. She owns her own private plane, and has a house in Monaco
. The judge decided that nothing would stop her from taking her plane to Monaco, and never being seen or heard from again. So, he denied her bail.”

I shuddered. “I’m tired. I really need to go to bed.” It was 7:30 PM.

Ryan nodded. “I’ll come to bed with you.”

Ryan climbed into bed next to me
. I laid down and tried to sleep. Ryan, for his part, wasn't tired, so he watched television in the bed next to me, plugging in his headphones so that the noise didn't bother me.

I was out within five minutes and didn't wake up the next day until noon
. Ryan had long since gone to work. It was his first day back at work, and he had asked me if I was okay with that. I assured him that I was. Going into the bathroom, I found a note from him, pinned to the mirror. “I love you honey. I’m at work, but I’m thinking about you constantly.” That was all that the note said.

The new appointment with Dr. Halder was that evening, after Ryan got off of work. I knew, however, that I wasn't going to make it. So, I called Dr. Halder and cancelled. The receptionist asked me if I wanted to reschedule. I told her that I didn't know when I could come back, but would let them know.

After getting off the phone, I started to panic. This was really the first time that I was alone since the incident. I called Daniel.

“Hello,” Daniel said.

“Hi, this is Iris.”

“What's up?”

“Could you drive me somewhere?”

“Sure, where?”

“Ryan's bank.” I really had no idea what I would do when I arrived there. I only knew that I was feeling abandoned and alone, and I was scared to death.

“Iris, it’s his first day back after being away for months.”

I understood. “Ok, then, could you please drive me to my mother's?”

“Sure.”

Daniel pulled up in five minutes, driving a new Jaguar. I hadn't seen that particular car yet.

“Is this a new car?” I asked.

“Yeah. Ryan bought it a couple of weeks ago.”

I nodded
. I couldn't get excited about the new car, even though I have always loved Jaguars.

I stared out the window while Daniel drove me to my parent's house. My head was splitting open again. About five minutes into the drive, I started sobbing uncontrollably
.

Daniel didn't know what to do, so he stared straight ahead, watching the road, not looking at me
.

“I’m so sorry,” I croaked between sobs
.

“Not a problem.” He was obviously uncomfortable.

I cried all the way to my mom's house.

Daniel pulled up in front of the townhouse, obviously happy to be rid of me
. He really didn't say anything at all to me. I guessed that he didn't really know what to say.

I felt badly for him.

I dragged myself into my mother's house. She was surprised to see me. “What brings you here?” she asked.

“
I have a headache. I need to lie down.” At that I dragged myself up to the spare bedroom, laid down on the bed, and immediately fell asleep.

I awoke to darkness. I gradually became aware that there was a figure next to the bed. I looked at the clock. It was 8 PM
. I had been sleeping for about 12 hours here at my parent’s house. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I realized that the figure was Ryan, sitting in a chair next to the bed.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Can I turn on the light?”

“Sure.”

He turned on the light
. He took my hand. “I’m so sorry that I returned to work today. I had a feeling that you were going to have a tough time with my being gone. Daniel told me what happened.”

I nodded. “Uh, maybe I can stay here for awhile? At least until I start to feel better.”

He shook his head. “I’ve a better idea. I’m extending my leave of absence until you start feeling better. You’re too fragile to be left alone.” He smiled, and gently stroked my hair, while looking at me with a dreamy-eyed expression. “I need to protect you,” he said softly. “I wish I could’ve protected you before. But I need to protect you now.”

All I could do was nod. Barely
. “That's sweet,” I said without enthusiasm. “I’m just so tired.” At that, I laid back down and fell back to sleep.

I woke up the next day at 10. Ryan was lying next to me
. He was reading a book.
In One Person
by John Irving.
 

He smiled. “You’re awake.
”

I nodded. “I don't feel well.”

“Can I take you home?”

I shook my head. “I’
m literally too exhausted to get out of this bed.”

“Well, I’m not leaving until you come with me.”

“Ok. Could you carry me?”

At that, he picked me up and carried me down the stairs. I clung to his neck, my head buried in his shoulder
. He called to my mother “I'm taking her home, Charlene.”

At that my mother came up to us and kissed my cheek.
She addressed Ryan “Take care of her.” At that, Ryan nodded and said nothing.

“Beautiful, you need to start eating. You’re way too light.
” Ryan used to pick me up when we would horse around before everything happened. Now, I guess I weighed quite a bit less than that. “You must’ve lost 50 pounds.”

I merely grunted. He gently put me in the car, fastening my seat belt. I immediately fell asleep in the car
.

I woke up in our bed. Ryan must’ve carried me into the house while I was still unconscious
. I had no idea what time it was, but Ryan was lying next to me, so it couldn't be too late in morning. But it was light out, so it must have been at least 7 AM. Ryan had his laptop and he was typing. When I woke up, he shut the laptop. He looked at me. “Good morning, beautiful.”

I managed a small smile
.

“Uh, would you like to get back into your rehabilitation exercises?”

I shook my head. All I wanted to do was lay in bed.

He nodded
. I had to admit that he seemed a stranger to me now. I would imagine that it was the same for him.

Later on, I was in bed with my laptop on the Internet
. Ryan was downstairs somewhere.  

I suddenly realized that I was conferenced in on a chat with Ryan and Nick
. He must not have known that he conferenced me. I read the chat between them.

Ry1979:  I don't know what to do. I’m losing her.

St.Nick80:  Bro, give her time. She went through a lot. Being kidnapped, tortured and almost dying can do that to a person, you know.

Ry1979:  I know, but how do I help her?

St.Nick80:  Have you tried counseling?

Ry1979: Of course. She won't go. She went one time, but had a headache and went home before the counselor could get anywhere. She won't eat, and she sleeps all the time now.

St.Nick80:  Where is she now?

Ry1979:  Upstairs, asleep.

St.Nick80: Just keep trying, and be patient.

Ry1979: I feel so impotent. I’m also afraid that she blames me. If she never knew me, this wouldn't have happened to her.