Beautiful Together (17 page)

Part 2

The Present

20

Four years later...

My mouth was
dry
.

It felt like my tongue had been replaced by a dirty square of sandpaper. I swallowed hard, instantly regretting the decision. The pain was sharp, and it felt like I was getting sick again.

But it was probably just the dehydration.

I grabbed my pint glass of water from the coffee table. Although it was nearly empty, there was enough for one good-sized gulp. I sat up as the water trickled down through my body, savoring the feeling. It was so good and refreshing, but it was clear that I needed more.

I'd have to...
refill the glass
.

It was still early, but the city was already wide-awake.

The familiar scent of cigarettes was in the air. I had fallen asleep on the couch last night after getting high. Arielle and I went out for a couple of drinks and then came back here to smoke. Well, she smoked and went to her bed with some guy; I just smoked.

The drinking had made the weed that much more potent, and so it knocked me out quickly. I don't remember much after setting down the bong, and it was still exactly where I left it.

Reluctantly, I entered the kitchen and refilled the pint glass. The counters were littered with pizza boxes and snack food wrappers. I stared at the mess while the glass grew heavier in my hand.
I really need to clean soon,
I thought.

Honestly, I had that same thought almost every morning, but I never did anything about it. None of us did. We were far more likely to run down the street for a slice of pizza than we were to cook.

Icy water suddenly spilled over my hand, harshly returning me to reality. Goose bumps broke out across my arm. The glass was overflowing, so I cranked off the faucet and pulled away.

I took a long, contemplative drink as I stared out the window. New York City was always noisy and active. The fall had arrived quickly, and winter would be here soon. I didn't mind the cold if I was prepared for it, and as usual, I was.

The sun was still low in the sky, painting everything with a rich golden haze.

What the hell am I doing with myself?
I thought.

The question usually arose when I wasn't preoccupied with something else. First thing in the morning or the last thing before I fell asleep. If I was awake and busy, it never seemed to catch me.

I broke away from my stupefaction and went back to the couch. Although my bed would have been more comfortable, the couch already had a me-shaped divot in the middle and so I returned there instead.

As usual, I felt transient.

What was I doing here?

I stared up at the gray plaster ceiling, losing myself in the random shapes and patterns. My vision followed the water stains down the wall and settled near the modest flat screen television in the corner.

It wasn't super fancy, but we used it a lot.

Despite Arielle's full access to her dad's money, she never really asked for much beyond our rent—and that was okay with me.

Yeah, I was leeching off her dad. I was basically living for free in New York City. The apartment was pretty shoddy, but it had "character," as Arielle always said

Our NYC friend, Elise, had the third room.

I worked part-time at a cell phone accessory store. It was stupidly easy work, and far better than waiting tables or retail. It was only about thirty hours a week, and so with no rent in NYC, it was a pretty okay existence.

Arielle had become a career barista—except that she never stayed at any coffee shop for too long. Elise was going through beauty school. We all smoked a lot of weed and shared the collective, unspoken goal to party as much as possible.

My parents didn't know anything about my life, and that was exactly the way I wanted things to stay. I hadn't spoken to Donna in years either.

And Jesse... well, who the hell was Jesse again?

It all felt like another life entirely.

But even with all the partying, I hadn't been with anyone since Mason.

No one.

I was the untouchable, bitchy girl no matter where I went. Guys hit on me constantly, and I hated it. I despised it, frankly. Arielle insisted that a relationship would be good for me, but I simply didn't agree.

I took another drink and tried to swallow my thoughts with the cool liquid; it didn't work. At the very least, my throat felt better.

There was still some blackness left in my mind, a lingering, gloomy color that never really faded away. Glimpses of fear and weakness and Mason's embalmed body at the funeral...

Did I
really
believe I had anything to do with Mason's death? Although I couldn't ever be totally sure, I was starting to consistently lean toward
no
. I didn't really believe in anything anymore.

Oh, God, but his frail, haggard expression as he stared at me from that hospital bed...

Sometimes I woke from a dead sleep in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, shivering, clutching at the blankets like they were my life preserver in the middle of an angry sea.

The moments faded fast, but that didn't mean they didn't have an impact.

It didn't happen that often anymore, but whenever I assumed it was over, it would creep back and surprise me. I wondered if moving on would make it go away.

I wondered if
anything
could make it go away.

Early on, my dad had tried to reach out to me, but I never gave him anything to work with. I was still bitter about my time in high school, as childish as that seemed. I was twenty-three now, but still clinging to the past.

I think the bigger problem was that I wasn't really doing anything. I never went to college, never had anything beyond stupid jobs that were barely above minimum wage. No boyfriend, no prospects for the future. The list went on and on and on.

You need to try, because I can't,
Mason had said.

Well, I wasn't trying.

***

After high school, I had continued to stay at Arielle's house for almost a year, until she became obsessed with the idea of moving to New York City after an extended visit there.

"It'll be so cool," she had said.

"No way, I can't afford that."

"But I
want
you to move there with me, Naomi. My dad will cover the rent. He's not gonna care, seriously."

I was working at the local ice cream shop at the time, serving people from my town who all seemed to be doing a hell of a lot more with their lives than me.

With the whole rent issue out of the way, it had taken me all of about one second to agree.

***

I continued shifting on the couch, trying to find my comfortable position again. The daylight was growing more intense, so I knew that if I didn't get back to sleep soon, it just wasn't going to happen.

The first NYC apartment we had lived was much worse than our current one, but that was just because Arielle was too stubborn to take any advice and wanted to find a place by herself. The landlord had been a total asshole. But we were living "on our own," so every day was a new adventure.

And then Arielle met Elise at the coffee shop one day, and soon after, we all moved in together. Elise knew there was an opportunity for reduced rent if she could find us a cool place, and so she seized it.

Elise was a lot like Arielle, but different enough to keep things interesting. She was a
lot
taller than either of us, at nearly six feet. Her hair was perpetually being restyled or re-colored, so she never looked all that consistent.

At five foot four, I was actually the shortest of the group since Arielle was five foot five.

When it came to fashion, she and Arielle were pretty much identical. It was clear that they would have shared clothes if there wasn't such a huge discrepancy in height. They both loved vintage, colorful dresses and band t-shirts.

Arielle had moved past her punk phase—she even retired some of her crazier piercings—and now she was straight up hipster with Elise.

They liked the same hipster art, music, and movies, and since our apartment in Fort Greene was so close to Williamsburg—Elise knew exactly what she was doing when she found the place, obviously—things couldn't be better for them. A few stops on the G train and you were in the hipster capital of America.

It was a weirdly idyllic existence for three girls in their early twenties. I both loved and hated it. In a way, I felt that it was owed to me. Not that Arielle's dad was required to pay for my expenses, but that the universe or God or
something
owed me an extended period of respite after those eight months of drawn out misery with Mason.

I never had to make any real decisions. I could further delay becoming an adult. For how long though, I didn't know.

Regardless, I was just thankful to have met Arielle when I did, because every good thing in my life now was because of her. And she wanted me here, so I stayed. We got in little tiffs from time to time, but they were never anything serious.

She was my best friend. And aside from Elise, she was really my only close friend in this huge city.

I continued shifting on the couch as I fought to silence the tumult of my thoughts.

Finally, I slept.

***

Most of my days were spent working at the cell phone store.

My boss, Vijay, was from India. His store sold the same generic cell phone accessories you could buy on Amazon or eBay. He purchased in mass quantities and resold at prices cheaper than the major retail stores.

It wasn't clear if Vijay made a lot of money or not since most days were quite slow. He had more than one location though, so maybe the others made up for bad days at our store.

Vijay was super nice, nicer than any other boss I'd ever had in my life. Sometimes he got flustered when customers tried to return broken accessories that they had clearly broken themselves, but he usually kept his cool. He had a wife and young son who frequently came by the shop.

"You look so sad today, Naomi," Vijay said. He was standing over a big cardboard box, tearing through the shipping tape with a box cutter.

"I do?" I asked, a little startled. I always felt kind of melancholy, but I never thought anyone could tell. I continued my task of straightening out phone cases that had been knocked around by customers.

"You just have... a
thing
, I guess," he said. "An aura."

"I don't believe in that stuff, Vijay," I said playfully. "Auras and chakras and whatever. It's all just a way to sell books and meditation classes."

He ruefully smiled back. "Well, I don't really believe in them either, but that doesn't change what I
see
."

"I don't know," I said. "I feel fine." I had never told him much about my past and I wasn't about to start now.

"Maybe I'm wrong," he said. "You can always talk to me, Naomi. I don't bite."

I shrugged. "I'm okay, really."

Vijay suddenly pulled out a handful of hot pink iPhone cases. "They only sent me
pink ones
," he groaned. "How the hell am I going to sell three-hundred pink iPhone cases? There will be another iPhone model out before I can get rid of all of these. Idiots."

He stomped off with the box and disappeared into the back, his attention successfully diverted from me.

But after he left, I suddenly realized that I did feel different, in a way I didn't understand.

And that was weird.

21

"I've got the perfect idea," Arielle announced as she loudly slurped her martini. It was later that night, a very typical night for us in New York City. We were in a dive bar in Williamsburg.

I hated those words most of the time, but only initially. Arielle had a way of dragging me out of my comfort zone and throwing me into all sorts of weird situations.

We had wound up smoking weed on tour buses with popular bands, at closed restaurants drinking fancy wine with restaurant owners, and even once at a fancy event for Wall Street investors that Arielle had claimed we could sneak into—and it worked.

We got away with three glasses of champagne apiece before security dragged us out.

I groaned and took a long sip of my beer. "What is it this time?"

"Well, one, you need to get laid. I hate to be so blunt, but this whole celibacy thing isn't doing you any favors."

I stuck out my tongue at her. "How do you know I'm celibate?"

"Duh," she said. "I
know,
dude."

Well, she had me. "Well, it's not like you know what celibacy is like. What's the longest you've gone without sex?"

She scrunched up her eyes, thinking hard. "Two or three days, I guess."

"
Amazing
," I said. "Maybe you should try it sometime. It really clears your head." I resentfully took another drink from my beer.

"You know, you're gonna have to move on eventually," she said, revealing the true nature of her remark. "What happened... really sucks. But why should it keep you down forever?"

I winced as she said the words. "Easier said than done," I said. "At least you still get along with your family."

"I know, I know," she said. "I'm not denying that. But you've just..." She trailed off and took another sip of her martini. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, you're my best friend. I just don't like it when you get in these moods."

I took a deep breath and ruminated for a minute or two. Was I really that bad? Vijay had mentioned it earlier, and now Arielle. I was suddenly worried about what Elise thought. Was I really becoming the ultimate downer?

"Whatever," I said implacably, still shirking from her suggestion. "So is that your whole idea then? Just that you want
me
to get laid?"

Arielle frowned. "No, sorry. I got carried away on that tangent." She paused and drank more. "I think we should go visit my aunt and cousin in London."

I felt my pulse jump. "London?" I asked. "I can't afford that."

"My dad would pay for it, obviously."

She had an answer for literally everything. "Well, what about my job?"

"Vijay will let you have the time off. I'm sure. It's just for a couple weeks. He'll survive."

"You don't know that," I said stubbornly.

"That's what you always say," she retorted. "And then you always tell me later that I'm right."

I felt my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "Whatever."

"C'mon, London is so fun," she said. "And my cousin is awesome."

"What about Elise?" I asked. "Did you invite her too?"

"Yeah, but she's got some big school thing coming up. So it'll be just me and you."

I sat back hard in the booth, pressing my shoulders into the soft, plushy material. "You want to go
soon
?"

"Well, in a few weeks. Maybe right after Halloween since I've already made plans for us."

I laughed. As usual, Arielle was calling the shots. She probably had stuff planned well into the next decade already. "Maybe," I said.

"Oh, you'll go. And you'll love it. It'll be really good for you." She gave me that famous mischievous grin and then finished her drink.

All I could do was sigh. Even with the possibility of a free transatlantic journey, I felt grey and hollow. I still didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I was in a hole I had been digging for years—and now I was miles below sea level. Could one fun trip really change anything for me?

I doubted it.

"Oh, and you'll need to get a passport," Arielle added. "If you don't already have one."

"I definitely don't have one," I said.

She smiled. "So get one, dude. Now do you wanna get high? I'm ready to get going."

"Yeah," I said. "That sounds good."

So we left and got high.

***

A few days later, I had fully signed on for the trip. Arielle bought the tickets before I even asked Vijay, a stupid decision in retrospect, but I figured everything would work out anyway.

My assumption was that we'd go to London, party until Arielle's family didn't want to see us anymore, and then come back home and resume the familiar cycle of waking, working a little, partying a lot, and then passing out. Rinse and repeat.

So the plan was set—we would leave the week after Halloween, roughly one month away.

As expected, Vijay was fine with it. "I just need you back for Black Friday," he had said. "But you need a vacation. It will make you a better worker for the holidays."

After all of that was settled, I was left with one event before London—the Halloween party. I started to feel a tinge of giddy excitement after I committed to going on the trip, even though I tried to hide it.

Nothing stood in my way—well, except that I needed a passport.