Beautiful Whispers (Ausmor Plantation Book 1 - Romance/Suspense) (10 page)

I didn’t know what Alexander was getting at. Or not getting at. Things I didn’t remember? How unusual. And how was I ever going to remember if no one told me? “Like how I like my eggs or where I put that thing I really liked?”

“Like you and me.”

Oh. Why didn’t I remember that? I had to will myself to continue holding his hand because part of me - okay most of me- wanted to flee in the worst way. It was like drinking six glasses of water in a row then realizing the bathroom was ten miles away.

Not a big fan of tension. I also yammered to myself.
Some people spoke nonsense to others. I yammered in my own mind. Didn’t know if it could be considered yammering if words weren’t actually spoken, but maybe it was—

“I make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t.” I heard the lie in my voice. I never knew why lies were so difficult to spit out. My voice always rose sharply. That’s why I had to keep lies short and sweet. A long lie would end in silence because my voice would go only to where animals and other smart beings could hear it.

“
Talk to me.”

Great. I heard the
irritation in Alexander’s voice. “I just mean…” I spoke too quickly before I actually had something to say. “I mean it’s okay. I don’t mind you making me uncomfortable.” What? Do I hear myself? I’m babbling now. Wish I could press rewind and restart the conversation.

Alexander squeezed my hand. “I know what you mean.”

I instantly felt better. My mind stopped racing, and my breathing went back to semi-normal. “How do you have that effect on me?”

Alexander shrugged
. He told me he wouldn’t lie, but he wouldn’t tell me what I didn’t ask. And if I didn’t know enough to ask the right questions…

“I won’t push you.”

I nodded. “But how will I find out? What if I can’t remember?”

“You will.”

“Glad you have the confidence.”

“I know you.
Know you’ll remember. Have to trust that.”

“Glad you have the faith cause some days I don’t know what’s wrong with me or if I’ll ever be fixed.” I frowned
and shook my head. “You make me weird.”

He laughed. “Weird good or weird bad?”

I hesitated, but I knew the answer. “Weird good. You make me think. No one else does that.”

“No one?”

I heard the lilt in his voice. It was about Byron. He wanted me to admit he did for me what Byron didn’t. “No one.”

He couldn’t hide his smile.

I was used to Byron’s arrogance which usually pissed me off, but I loved it in Alexander. “So, why’d you cut your hair?”

Alexander tensed and touched his head. “You remembered?”

I flinched. “Not…maybe…” The images jumbled, and I didn’t know which ones were first or last. I was out of order. Literally. It was like my past was a movie that some greedy bastard decided to cut into different scenes and then tossed up in the air for his own amusement. “I remember something about your hair being longer.”

“It was
last time.”

“Was there a time before last time?”

He didn’t say anything. “Hadn’t seen you since I left when I was sixteen.”

“I would have been fourteen.”

He nodded. “You remember why I left?”

I
concentrated – made my brain melt. It felt like I was interrogating myself, and I’d already lawyered up and wasn’t cooperating. “No.”

He took a deep breath.

It must be one of those gray areas he wouldn’t discuss unless I referenced it directly. “Something to do with Byron?”

“Something.” His hand gripped me tighter for a second.

I was either on to something or maybe he just reacted to hearing Byron’s name. I wanted to ask more, but I didn’t know the details enough. “And you came back last year?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s the first time we’d seen each other since you were sixteen?”

He nodded. “Sort of.”

“Sort of? And that means what?”

He turned his head towards his window. I recognized the hesitation
; I was a master staller. What was I close to that he couldn’t say directly?

“That means you didn’t see me.”

“Was I blind at the time?”

He laughed. “No. You weren’t blind at the time.”

“Unconscious? Not accepting visitors? Completely shit faced drunk?”

He laughed. “No. Didn’t see me because…wasn’t sure if…didn’t know what…” He stopped. “I didn’t tell
you I was here…I’d promised my mom that I wouldn’t…” He couldn’t say anymore.

“Did you see Mrs. Kiness?”

He shook his head.

“Evan?”

Again he shook his head.

“Aunt Bitty?”

“I miss this.”

“You missed my cheek
? That’s what Mrs. Kiness calls it. She’s always asking me a question, and before I can even spit out a syllable, she goes, ‘and say it without cheek please.’ So you came to Ausmor and hid in the shadows.”

“I promised her. I swore.”

“Why did she want you to stay away? She loved it here, didn’t she? She was so close to Mrs. Kiness and Grand Maeve…” Wait a minute, I didn’t remember either of them talking about Carolina Ravenswirth at all from the time she and Alexander left. What happened? Mrs. Kiness and Grand Maeve were like sisters to Carolina’s mother and looked after Carolina after her mother died. Why would they have stopped? “Did Mrs. Kiness or Grand Maeve visit you and your mom?”

Alexander’s jaw clenched
. His body tensed. “She didn’t want them to know where we were. She made me swear I wouldn’t tell them when she got sick. Not even at the end.”

“What happened?”

He shook his head, and I wasn’t sure if it was something he didn’t want to tell me until I remembered or if it was too painful for him to talk about. I had to think of something to change the subject. Each second solidified the tension.

What to say? Alexander already mentioned the weather. Movies? He never liked them. Books? He only read history. Travel? He wouldn’t fly. My mind raced through subjects, and I didn’t want to focus on how I knew what I knew about him. Right now, I just needed something light and airy without
the fluff. Like a really well cooked soufflé that wouldn’t fall or fail. I brought his hand up to my lips. “I’m glad you’re here now.” I kissed his hand.

Alexander didn’t say anything. This time,
his words disappeared. His pulse raced when I kissed his hand. I’d have to remember that.

I healed fast. I could have gotten up yesterday, but Jane hovered all day and periodically kissed my hand. I tried not to make a big deal about it: didn’t want her to stop though. I wasn’t used to being hovered over. My mother didn’t believe in feeling sorry for ourselves. She didn’t believe in much of anything. Listening to Mrs. Kiness and Grand Maeve talk about her made me realize I never knew her. Her world with my father and me must have shattered her because she rarely smiled.

She did the best she
could. It wasn’t her fault Mags Stonston convinced my grandfather to cut off his daughter completely leaving her nothing. It wasn’t her fault that most took advantage of her. Ausmor never abandoned her, but she was too broken by that point. Know my father loved her deeply. Don’t know if she even liked him very much.

“Alexander…” Jane knocked softly on my door before slowly opening it and peeking in. “Hey!” She bounced in and threw herself in the chair beside my bed.

Mrs. Kiness had taken the compresses off my eyes last night, but I hadn’t opened them yet. It was agony trying to keep myself occupied. But I wanted to wait until—

“How are your eyes? Mrs. Kiness told me it was safe to remove the whatever she called them.”

The doctor told me my eyes weren’t damaged. It was Mrs. Kiness who insisted on the compresses. The first thing I wanted to see was Jane. Her smile. The way she could look right through me.

She grabbed my hand. Loved it when she held my hand
. Loved it more when she kissed me. Her lips on me always took my breath away. But I couldn’t go back to the past. Had to move forward. I had Jane once and lost her. Wouldn’t lose her again.

“Well?
” Jane asked.

I
heard the impatience in her voice tinged with a bit of anxiety. Couldn’t milk the sympathy forever. But I hoped my face was still bruised. Wanted to look as bad as possible whenever Byron slithered around. Once Jane remembered what he did, he’d be out of our lives forever - jumping too far ahead.

“
Here it goes.” I slowly opened my eyes. Jane came into focus.

She smiled at me.
“Hey.”

I smiled back. “Hey.”

She jumped up and hugged me. “You can see.”

“
Byron didn’t blind me.” Hated using his name, but I didn’t want Jane to forget who was responsible.

“
I’ll get Mrs. Kiness.”

I wouldn’t let her go. “Let me just look at you for awhile
. I wanted you to be the first I saw.”

Seeing Alexander’s green eyes again comforted me. I had to admit I liked the way he looked at me as if he’d never looked at anyone like that before. I wonder if he had. Why does my mind go to places that shouldn’t be poked? Just be happy that Alexander’s eyes are okay
. That he’ll be able to go outside again.

“Has he tried to bother you again?”

“Byron?”

He nodded.
“Him.”

“No. I haven’t seen him. After Mrs. Kiness gave him the stink eye, he pretty much left.”

“I’ve seen her stink eyes.”

I frowned. “I can’t imagine she has ever given you one of those.”

Alexander thought for a moment. “Guess I never did anything she needed to.”

I liked how he used perfect opportunities to zing Byron. I know what he did was horrible. I wouldn’t forget it. I didn’t think. Then again, people
were always telling me the things I’d forgotten. How am I supposed to remember things if I can forget them so easily? And why do I forget them? Is there some mind leak I have? Something that needs to be caulked or something?

Alexander frowned at me -
trying to figure me out. Good luck in that. “What are you thinking about?”

“Wondering what makes me forget things.”

He shifted in bed but didn’t say anything. Then the longer time passed, I worried what he would say.

“
You wanna take a walk?”

I jumped up
ready to help Alexander out of bed, but he stood up quickly. I stood back surprised.

He sort of looked like I’d just caught him doing something nasty. “Um…”

“How long have you been able to do that?”

He shrugged. “Sorry.
Milked it longer than I should have. Ribs still sore but...” he stared at me expecting me to catch on to something.

I waited.

“I liked you being here...”

“Oh...” The warmth encased my face, and I knew I was flushed. Then something else. It hit me. “It’s all tied in w
ith what happened to my mother, isn’t it? Why I can’t remember?”

Alexander’s face lost most of his coloring, and his eyes widened. “You remember that?”

“My mother died when I was six. What else is there to remember?”

Alexander
looked at the ground. “Not for me to say. I can tell you about us but not about something that happened when I wasn’t here.”

“Why would I choose Byron over you?” I couldn’t believe I asked that. It sounded so odd. Byron was my first love, and I’d always somehow be in love with him no matter what he did given our past. But
Alexander? I think I’d been waiting for him to find me.

“
Don’t know. Why would you choose him?”

There it goes again. That weird sensation I get around Alexander. It’s like everything gets wadded up. All my feelings and emotions. My heart pounds until I think
it’ll burst. My head spins and can’t think. My thoughts get all pukey, and I want to run until I collapse just to escape the weirdness.

Alexander
grabbed my hand. We walked out his room, down the hall and out the side door. Once outside, the crisp air stung at my lungs. It helped drown out the madness creeping inside me.

“Is it too cold?”

I shook my head. Maybe it would wake me up in more ways than one. We took the winding path that that led to a private area surrounded by eight foot hollow hedges. The lone stone bench in the center I knew from experience would frost asses, so I didn’t want to sit on that.

In one swo
op, Alexander pushed me to the holly hedge that stayed green no matter what. He gripped the hedge behind me and pinned me in. “You’re the only one I’ve ever loved Jane Eva Austen. Sometimes I wish I could stop. It killed me when you chose Byron over me. I came back to Ausmor for you. But I have to know how you feel about me. Do I have a chance at all?”

Everything blurred. His words spilled so quickly I wasn’t sure if I caught all of them.
I touched his face.

“If you don’t feel anything, I’ll leave forever and never bother you again.
” His pleading eyes were so scared. Wanting. “But if there’s a chance, you gotta give me something.”

I touched his lips, his crooked smile.

He inched closer. “How does Byron make you feel?”

“Comfortable.”

So close, his lips almost touched mine. “And how do I make you feel?”

“Alive.”

He barely touched his lips to mine. “I swore I wouldn’t do this again.”

“What?”

“Let you hurt me.”

I kissed him quickly, and he didn’t resist.
Everything stopped. I didn’t remember my past, but I saw my future. A future with Alexander. I couldn’t think of anything else but him. And doing whatever I needed to do so he’d believe my feelings for him.

“Jane!”

We jumped as Byron stood a few feet from us.

Byron stared at Alexander. “Did you force her?”

“No,” Alexander said quickly. “Don’t have to. That’s your style.”

Byron turned a few shades of angry red.
He looked directly at me. “I warned you to stay away from him.”

Alexander stepped in front of me and faced Byron.
“You’re such a piece of shit. You don’t warn her about anything. She’s not a servant. She’s not yours.”

“Are you her savior?” Byron stepped closer. “
Filthy degenerate. You should know your place.”

Alexander pushed Byron. “What are you gonna do, By? You can’t fight me on your own.”

“Stop.” My head spun around as images splintered. A birthday party. “Help me.” But the words weren’t mine. I grabbed Alexander for support and looked at Byron. “Leave. Please just go.”

Byron stared at me. “You’re asking me to leave? What about
him? Do you know what he did?”

“Byron, go!”

“You don’t know what he is. You don’t know what he’ll do to you. Jane, don’t be stupid.”

“Don’t call her that,” Alexander said.

Byron left, and Alexander and I spent the rest of the day roaming around Ausmor. We didn’t speak about anything in particular because Mrs. Kiness or her minions lurked. Just being close to him was enough.

Alexander wouldn’t
hurt me. A small part of me hoped that was true. A bigger part of me feared what I still didn’t know. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have pushed. I was right to fear the unknown.