Because of Ellison (22 page)

That was it, I turned it over in my hand to see if there was
anything else, and when I found nothing, I moved on to note number two.

I know you well enough
to know you haven’t read the first note by the time you’re grabbing this one.
And I’m okay with that. I actually prefer you read these when you have time to
really think about what I’m saying. So consider this note my thank you. For
everything, El. When I came down here I was nothing more than a punk kid
looking for his next fix. I still don’t agree with the ‘addict’ word, but I
will say I was inching close. I needed an escape from life and a way to numb the
feeling that I was wasting my time and throwing my life away. You opened my
eyes. You made me realize that there was more to this world than the little bit
of it I’d allowed myself to explore. Most importantly, you made me realize that
there was more to me. I’ve been taking your advice and I’ve been working in
silence. I’ve been thinking and I’ve been desperately trying to find something
special in my life to work towards. While writing this, I have to be honest and
say I haven’t found it yet, but at least I’m trying. I know you didn’t do much
more than wake me up, but you were the only person who found the way to do
that, or who took the time to care. And for that, I’ll never forget you. When I
return home in three weeks, I won’t be returning to the drugs and parties. I’ll
go to school and I’ll make something of myself like you said. I don’t ever want
to lose touch with you and I hope that we can fix things before I leave and
remain friends. That’s important to me. You’re important to me.

I smiled at the end of the note. Not because of what Hunter
claimed he felt about me, but because of what Hunter claimed he felt about
himself. He was a better person than the one he’d been when I met him, and I
was happy to know that he would act in a way that would better his life,
instead of destroying himself with one drugged fueled party after another.
However, I remembered these were just words on paper, I couldn’t really believe
him until his actions showed me he was serious in what he’d written, and that
would take time. I couldn’t let myself get too excited because the words were
probably nothing more than a load of shit he was trying to feed me. Moving on
to the next note, I removed it from the plastic bag and unfolded the page.

By now, you’re
probably thinking I’m full of shit …

I couldn’t help it. I laughed out loud when I read it.

But I promise you
Ellison: I’m not. I’m begging you to please give me another chance to show you
just how serious I am. I know we can’t be more than friends and I know that we
only have a few weeks left to spend time together. But I’m begging you to
please spend that time with me. I’ve missed you and I need you in my life. I’ll
accept whatever you are willing to give me, just as long as I know you’ll talk
to me. I’ve been miserable these past couple of weeks. Absolutely. Fucking.
Miserable.

And those words broke my heart. I felt bad for acting the
way I had. Part of my reason for staying away from Hunter was my feelings for
him. I didn’t want to get too close only to have to let him go at the end of
the summer, but it was unfair for me to deny him friendship. He’d done nothing
to me on purpose and he couldn’t be blamed for the boneheaded mistake he made
about Tiffany. He had tried to break up with
her,
he’d
just gone about it in a really stupid way. After thinking it over, I realized
I’d been a bitch to him for something that was an honest mistake — and I
felt really bad for having acted that way.

Moving on to the case, I spun the top over the bottom to
open it up. Inside was a small, rolled up note, together with a silver ring. I
recognized the symbol on the ring as the Irish Claddagh, and the two hands
holding a crowned heart were extremely detailed where they’d been carved into
the silver. My brows furrowed in confusion, so I quickly unrolled the note.

No! Don’t throw the
ring out! It isn’t what you think!

Dammit. I laughed again. It was apparent he knew me well and
that he’d been paying more attention than I’d realized.

The ring is a promise,
El. It’s a promise that I won’t go back on what I’ve been telling you. I bought
one for myself as well and I’m wearing it to remind myself of the friendship
between us. I realize I’m weak and it’s going to be hard for me not to get home
and immediately fall back into old habits. So, I hope that by looking at the
ring, and knowing who holds its match, it’ll help me make the right decisions.
You don’t have to wear yours and I understand if you don’t. Just knowing you
have it is enough for me. I love you Ellison. I can say that knowing what it
means to love someone this time and you were the one who taught me exactly what
that meant. I’m not going to get into the details of ‘love’ and ‘in love’,
because you don’t need that right now. But I do love you and I’ll never stop.

I gasped and tears welled at the back of my eyes. I fell
back on the mattress of the bed and held the ring and notes to my chest. I
couldn’t believe he’d gone through so much effort to get them to me and I
realized how big of a bitch I’d been to him over the past two weeks. I couldn’t
deny that Hunter had been there when I needed him. But then I thought about
whether I had been there for him. When that girl had visited and when I saw how
quickly he’d gone back to the drugs, I’d been angry. Really angry. However a
good friend would have helped him get through it, would have stood by his side
to push him through the mistake — and all I’d done was desert him. I was
ashamed of myself. And I knew that I needed to talk to him. I pushed myself up
from the bed and slipped the ring over a finger on my right hand.

With a smile on my face, I walked out of my room in search
for Hunter, but stopped short when I found my dad sitting in the living room.
He was relaxed back on the sofa and music played from the radio in the corner
of the room. A beer was held in my father’s hand, surprising me to see it.

“Daddy?” I moved to sit next to him. “Everything alright?”

“Ellison, baby, I need to talk to you about some things and
I want you to listen without arguing. I’ve made some decisions and I’m firm in them
and I want to make sure you understand my wishes.

“Okay.” It was all I could say. When he had that tone of
voice, I knew there was no budging him.

Putting his arm around me, he pulled me into his side. “When
your mother died years ago, El, my life stopped. Well, I can’t say that
entirely because I had you kids and I loved every minute I had with you. But my
heart stopped beating the same way it had before I lost her. I’ve thought about
her every day that she’s been gone and I’ve looked forward to finding her again
when it’s my time to go. So, when that happens, Ellison, I don’t want you
feeling sad for me. You’re going to be upset, honey, and I know that, but I
don’t want you worrying about what happened to me. I want you to know that I’m
happy to be able to finally find her again. In fact, the thought has made my
heart beat for her again.”

More tears threatened my vision and I was really getting
pissed off at the amount of them I’d spilled over the summer. Between Hunter
and my father, I had to drink
craploads
of water just
to keep from dehydrating from all of the damn tears.

“I’m not going to accept treatment, Ellison. They said it
wouldn’t cure me, so I don’t see any use in spending every dime I’ve saved up
to buy myself a few more months. That money can go to far better things, such
as your education.”

He grew quiet and
Fire
and Rain
by James Taylor started playing. Daddy smiled and softly sang
along to the song. I’d always loved to hear daddy sing — it meant that he
was happy, that he was relaxed … that was rare for him. I listened to him sing
and I laid my head against his chest and enjoyed listening to the beat of his
heart against his ribs. I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last song
I heard my father sing, and the significance of the song’s words never escaped
me.

“So what’s going on with that boy?”

The change in topic surprised me, but I answered, “He’s been
following me on my hikes.”

“Do I need to be worried? I noticed how upset you got over
finding out he had a girl back home. You didn’t need to say it for me to see
it. He hasn’t messed you up, has he? If so, I have to carry out some promises I
made to him.”

I laughed. I knew daddy wasn’t joking about those threats.
Henry James was not a man who went back on his word and he never said a thing
he didn’t mean.

“No, he hasn’t messed me up. We’re friends, daddy. He’s just
been hiking with me. Said he didn’t want me to be alone right now.”

“He knows?”

“Yeah.” I knew it upset him, but I couldn’t be blamed for
not being able to keep it all inside. “He caught me crying, and … ”

He put his hand up to silence me. “No, baby, that’s fine. It
doesn’t look like he’s told anyone. So it’s fine. I can’t expect you to go
through it by yourself and I know your brother isn’t around enough to help you
with it.”

I sniffled and wiped a tear from my cheek. Laughing, I said,
“He’s been following me like a puppy on those trails too. He knows I’m mad at
him for what happened with Tiffany, so he’s just followed behind without saying
anything. He was just trying to be there for me when I was ready to talk to him
again.”

Dad chuckled. “The boy’s got it bad apparently. But that
doesn’t mean you can trust him, Ellie. He’s got a ways to go before he’s worth
a shit and you don’t need to carry his problems while at the same time carrying
yours.”

“I know.”

His arm tightened around me. “Well, okay, El. I trust you to
make the right decision. You always have. Now go ahead and get wherever it is
you were going. I’m going to sit around here and relax for a little while then
I’ll put on a pot of stew for dinner.”

I nodded my head and stood up. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

When I walked towards the door, Sasha and Bear followed
behind me. I opened the door and stepped out to find Lily coming up the steps
of the porch.

“Ellison James. I’ve allowed you to be a stubborn bitch for
far too long. I wouldn’t be a good friend to ya if I didn’t kick your ass for
being stupid, so I’m here to kick your ass — ‘cause you’re being stupid.”

I stopped dead in my
tracks ,
but
made sure to close the door so my dad couldn’t hear us.

“That boy spent a week — A FULL WEEK — preparing
all those cutouts and surprises for you and if you haven’t seen that he’s
trying, you’re fucking blind. You don’t need to go and run off to have sex with
Hunter, but you could at least be his friend. He’s trying to be yours and
you’re too damn caught up in your anger to see it. It’s about time you take the
blinders off for once and see that’s he trying to change.”

I held my hand up to show her the ring. “I know, Lil. I was
actually on my way to find him.”

Her eyes widened and she stepped back. “Well, I’ll be
damned. Ellison James has finally learned to pull her head out of her ass. I
never thought I’d see the day.”

I lifted my middle finger while smiling sweetly.

“Fuck you, Lily. Really. I mean it.”

She was a bitch. But I loved her anyway.

Hunter

I walked those seven fucking miles to pick up the remnants
of my plan to talk to Ellison. And for those seven fucking miles, I chastised myself
for not having placed all the little surprises within the first fucking mile so
it would be easier to clean up. Of course, that wouldn’t have worked because
the spring was seven fucking miles away and I was pissed off at the spring for
not being closer.

Fucking stupid spring
…

My legs stopped working at mile six. For the rest of the
hike to the spring, I had to pick up my legs with my hands just to put one foot
in front of the other. By the time I finally reached the spring, I collapsed on
top of the table.

I’m not sure how long I lay on that table. I’m sure my back
would protest when I got up, but at that moment, it was the most comfortable
place I’d ever been. My entire body felt like it weighed a ton and I needed to
catch my breath before dragging all the shit back the seven fucking miles it
would take to get home.

And I hoped the forty-eight miles of walking it’d taken me
to execute this plan were worth it. Ellison may have thrown the notes away when
she returned home. I had no way of knowing one-way or the other. I realized
that Ellison was teaching me more than to care about other people and myself,
she was teaching me patience. Sure — her way of teaching me patience was
really fucking annoying — but she was teaching it to me nonetheless.

I fell asleep on the table and I was surprised to wake up to
water falling on my face. Great. The last seven fucking miles would end up
being seven fucking WET miles. It couldn’t get any better than this. I pushed
myself up into a seated position and looked out over the water. I imagined
Ellison’s fish swimming beneath the surface and I remember the look of her
swimming among them. I smiled to think about it and realized that, whether she
talked to me again or not, those forty-eight miles had been worth it. I’d made
her smile and that was more important than anything else.

“I’ve created an addict.”

My body spun around at the sound of El’s voice. She stood at
the end of the path leading to the spring. “
I’da
figured the twenty miles you’ve already walked today would have been enough.
But, look at you. Out here walking twenty more. Whatever are you going to do
when you go back home?”

I laughed. “Guess I’ll be spending a lot of time walking
around Central Park.”

Her laugh was melodic and my heartbeat sped up from hearing
it. She walked to me slowly and I couldn’t help but search for her hands. She
had them folded behind her back. That little bitch. She knew I’d look for the
ring as soon as I saw her. She crawled up on top of the table with me and we
sat facing each other in the rain, neither of us caring. She brought her hand
from behind her back and grabbed my hand and put her ring next to mine.