Because of You: A Loveswept Contemporary Military Romance (6 page)

She swallowed and studied him closely, hating her next words. “Shane, you can’t deploy today. You’re days out of surgery. Technically, you should be on convalescent leave.”

“Obviously, I’m not. I’m here and I’m getting ready to get on a plane for an eighteen-hour flight to the sandbox. With. My. Men.” He never raised his voice, but the intensity ratcheted up with each word.

He
was
serious. He was trying to deploy. Today. “You could die.”

“Jen, I’m going to run combat patrols in northern Baghdad. I figure my odds are fifty-fifty at best anyway.”

She took a step backward and folded her arms across her chest. “I’m sorry. I can’t let you deploy. The risk of infection alone …”

Shane stood and stepped into her space, close like he had been last night only this time his voice was low and rough. Ragged. “Do you know what it feels like to have a kid die on patrol because his squad leader did something stupid? Something you could have prevented if you’d been there? Jen, this is the Surge. The last big push to try and stop the violence and stabilize Iraq. This is going to be worse than any year since the supposed end of combat operations. Don’t send my men to war without me. Please, Jen.”

“You won’t do a damn bit of good if you’re laid up with an infection.” She tried to step back, away from the intensity in his words, the plea that was in his voice. But she didn’t. She’d never seen this kind of concern before.

“Then I won’t get an infection. Tell me whatever I have to do, whatever pills I have to take to prevent it, and I’ll do it.” He glanced around, like he was searching for something, then he picked up a syringe to help him make his point, holding it in the palm of his hand. “You wouldn’t send the guys over there without their shots, right?”

She tried to take the syringe from him and he closed his hand over hers. Jen shook her head and tried to free her hand … “Shane, that makes no sense and has nothing to do with you, but no, of course not. They need the immunizations to stay healthy.”

He squeezed her fingers beneath his and grinned down at her, his eyes warm like they’d been last night. “Think of me as part of their stay-healthy plan.” He slid his fingers over the back of her knuckles, the gesture too familiar and too enticing all at once. The grin was now gone, the plea back in his eyes. “Don’t send my men without me. Please.”

“You’re not God, Shane. You can’t control who lives and who dies.”

“No, I can’t, but I can make a difference.”

“You really believe that? Enough to risk your life?”

“Yes, I really do. There is nowhere I would rather be than at the center of the fight with my platoon.”

Jen swallowed and looked away, finally pulling her fingers free. “I don’t understand you,” she whispered. He was willing to risk everything to deploy. He wanted to get on that plane with stitches that were barely healed, putting his life at risk … not that the war didn’t do that all on its own. “Why do you want to go so badly?”

“My boys need me.” He lifted his free hand, like he was going to reach for her, then dropped it abruptly, squeezing the fingers he still held. “Don’t make me leave them. Not now.”

“You could die.”

“That’s going to happen anyway. It’s just a question of when.” He tucked his hands into the waistband of his pants. “I’d rather die doing what I love.”

She turned away, staring at the form she’d need to sign in order for him to deploy. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was about to make a tremendous mistake, one that was potentially illegal and certainly unethical. But with one stroke of her pen, she gave him her blessing.

Shane sighed with relief. “Thank you.”

Jen poked her finger in his chest. “Don’t thank me. Anything happens to you, I’m responsible. And you still need your flu shot.”

He smiled down at her, but there was no gloating in his eyes. Only a quiet victory. “You’re not God, Jen.”

“No, but I am responsible for my patients,” she replied.

He tucked his shirt into his pants, a faint smile at the corners of his lips. “Then you understand me.”

She shouldn’t have been surprised that Shane didn’t read the form she handed him. He simply scribbled his name where she indicated. A sense of gloom settled around her heart. He rolled up the sleeve that had slipped down, baring his arm for the immunization.

“Poke away.”

She swabbed his skin and when she positioned the needle on his biceps, he caught
her gaze one final time. “Be careful. I’m fragile.”

Jen stared at him for a moment. His eyes glittered in the bright light. The sides of his mouth twitched. She looked at his wide chest, his heavy arms and rough hands. Fragile? Her lips quivered as she tried to hold back her response and failed. She covered her mouth with the back of her gloved hand and
laughed
.

Shane couldn’t remember the last time he’d made a woman really laugh. Not like this anyway, this full-blown laugh that sent a smile creeping across his own lips. He’d meant to make her smile, to ease the regret he saw in her eyes. But this? This laugh was its own reward.

Jen wiped her eyes and answered his smile with her own. “I’m sorry.”

“Glad I could help.” He slid his fingers across her knuckles and over the back of her hand, his fingers lightly circling her wrist. “Thank you for this,” he whispered.

She finished with the shot and looked away, hoping he didn’t see the moisture filling her eyes. She stood there for an impossible moment, realizing that she had violated her ethics for a man she would probably never see again, knowing it was the wrong thing to do. It didn’t matter that he was a friend of Laura and Trent’s. He’d come into her life for a brief moment and made her
feel
.

“Shane?”

“Yeah?” He paused where he’d shrugged into his uniform top.

Jen wanted to say something. To tell him to be safe, but what good would it do? He was the guy who ran toward the burning building while everyone else ran the other way to safety. “Never mind.”

Instead, she held on to the one final moment she’d have with him before he left for
the only other place on earth hotter and more dangerous than hell.…

Iraq.

* * *

It was time for roll call. Jen finished cleaning up her station and walked along the edge of the gym floor, skirting the massive formation. Near the door at the far end, a sergeant called out names, one at a time. A loud “hooah” or “here sarn’t” rang out as the soldier grabbed his gear and moved into formation.

Laura waved at her from the bleachers, where she sat with the girl from last night, Nicole. As she approached, she noticed that Nicole’s eyes looked red, but she wasn’t going to mention it. It wasn’t her place.

Jen threaded her arm through Laura’s and scanned the crowd, looking for a familiar face. She knew Laura was doing the same. Near the back edge of the formation, Shane stood next to Trent and Carponti. Carponti was telling a story that took a whole lot of movement. She smiled and wondered just how much the young sergeant got away with.

Jen didn’t miss the fact that Laura’s eyes were also rimmed with red and swollen. She leaned her head on her friend’s shoulder.

“It’s his fifth deployment in seven years,” Laura said. She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “I don’t understand how he ends up constantly deploying when there are others who haven’t gone once.”

“How are the kids holding up with everything?” Jen asked, unable to find anything comforting to say.

“You mean other than not knowing their daddy? They’re fine. These days they’re more comfortable being left at day care than spending time with Trent. It’s mostly older
kids who have trouble with deployment. Mine are still young. But Ethan’s starting to have problems. Crying for Trent when he gets mad at me. Stuff like that.”

“Is that why you didn’t bring them?” Nicole sniffed.

“No. I didn’t bring them because it’s too hard on Trent. It prolongs the pain. He needs to focus on getting the job done, not on the kids clinging to him until the last minute.”

“Isn’t that harder on you?” Jen asked.

“Not really. I’m used to it at this point.”

Nicole sniffed again as she searched for something in her purse. “You make it sound so easy. I hate that Vic is leaving again. I felt like shooting him in the foot so he couldn’t deploy.”

Laura covered her face with her hands as Jen rubbed her back. “I can’t keep doing this.”

Pulling a fresh pack of tissues from her purse, Nicole handed one to Laura. “Vic promised me this’ll be the last one. He’s going to ask for an ROTC assignment or something else that will let him be home for a while.”

“Good luck with that,” Laura said, swiping the tissue beneath her eyes. “I hope it works for you. I’m starting to suspect that Trent’s happier when he’s deployed.”

Jen blinked back her surprise. It was the first negative thing she’d ever heard Laura say about her husband.

“I hope this year goes by quickly and is uneventful,” Laura said. “I don’t think I can handle another bad year like ’04.”

Jen frowned, squeezing Laura’s hand, and answered the question in Nicole’s eyes.
“The year Trent died.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah. Trent was hurt bad and someone screwed up and ruined my life for almost two days. I got the whole casualty notification and everything. He called a day and a half later.” Laura bit her lips together. “I thought I’d gotten him back. Guess I was wrong.”

The sergeant major moved to the front of the formation. “Detachment, atten-
tion
!”

The answering cry of the unit’s motto “Death Dealers!” echoed off the rafters and thundered through Jen’s chest.

“Right, face!” As one, the entire formation pivoted and turned to the right. “File from the right, forward,
march
!”

The rest of the formation stood still as the first file of soldiers began marching from the gym. Jen squeezed Laura’s hand as Trent started to march toward the door. Shane looked up, and their eyes met over the top of the crowd. He mouthed a silent thank-you before he turned and marched from the gym without another glance.

Oh joy. Lucky her, neither Nicole nor Laura missed the gesture. “What was that?” Laura asked.

“What was what?” Jen said, fidgeting with her ID badge. She tried and failed to keep the tiny smile from the edge of her mouth.

“That?” Laura asked, pointing at Shane’s retreating back.

“Nothing.”

“Oh really? You saw that, right, Nikki?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jen insisted.

She wasn’t sure why she had lied. She bit her lip, remembering last night’s kiss, and how Shane had chased away her nervousness and self-consciousness, leaving her
with a lingering ache in her belly. Maybe it was the fact that, last night, she’d felt like a real, whole woman for the first time in over a year. It was something she was still absorbing, still trying to figure out, and she wasn’t ready to share it with the group and have it dissected.

“Nothing my foot. I saw that, too,” Nicole said. She quickly glanced at her watch and jumped up. “Oh man, I’ve got to get to work.” She rushed down the bleachers, waving good-bye over her shoulder, leaving Jen at Laura’s mercy.

“Okay, it’s just us. Spill.”

Jen clenched her keys and smiled. “Nothing. He walked me to my car, I went home.
Alone
.”

“Uh-huh,” Laura said in a tone that clearly called her bluff, as they got up to walk to their cars. Jen said it again. “Nothing happened. He was a perfect gentleman.”

“Ha, now I know you’re lying,” her friend said, as they stepped into the bright Fort Hood sunlight.

“Why do you say that?” Jen asked, curious, then clicked her remote to unlock her car.

“I’ve known Shane since he and Trent were nineteen. Let’s just say he’s done some growing up.”

“Once again, care to elaborate?”

“Ha, so you are interested!” Laura shook her butt in a victory dance. “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” Jen asked, palming her keys.

“That it was just going to take the right person to push you out of your comfort zone.”

“Shane didn’t push me anywhere,” Jen said. “And a guy like him isn’t going to cure what ails me.” She just wished Laura would drop the whole conversation,
now
.

“Scars heal, Jen. But your boobs don’t make you a person.”

“Can we not talk about this right now? Hell, you’ve got Shane checking out my boobs and being the Great Penis who will save the damsel in distress. I’ve talked to him twice. Reality check?”

Laura choked on a laugh. “I’m so going to tell him you called him the Great Penis.”

“Laura …”

“I’m kidding. I’ll tell Trent. He’ll get a kick out of that. Seriously, just admit that you went out and had fun when you didn’t think you could.”

“I admit it.” Jen rolled her eyes, smiling. “Are you happy now?”

“See, we’re making progress.” Laura glanced at her watch. “I’ve got to get going, too. Come by the house this weekend. I’m hosting a family readiness group meeting and I could use a hand with the kids.”

“Sure.” She paused and decided there was no better time than the present to ask. Might as well get the harassment over with. “Do you have their address?”

Laura cast her a sideways glance. “Sure, why?”

Jen swallowed the lie. She couldn’t admit to Laura that she wanted to check on Shane because she had medically released him.
Hey, I just sent one of your friends to his potential death and I wanted to keep tabs on him and make sure he didn’t actually die. Nothing big
. She shrugged and tried for a nonchalance she did not feel. “I’d like to send the guys a care package or something. What do guys like when they’re deployed?”

“Porn and junk food.”

Jen realized by the look on Laura’s face that she must not have hidden her horrified expression very well.

“What? I’m married to him. Though Trent has never specifically asked for porn—”

Laura got in her car and slammed the door shut, cutting off whatever she was saying.

Jen got into her car, too, and sat in her driver’s seat for a moment, thinking about Shane as she watched the last bus pull away from behind the gym. Had she made the right call? Was she doomed to spend the rest of the year worrying about the man she’d sent to war? It would serve her right.