Becoming (27 page)

Kali was on a roll, the blade deep and the wounds oozing blood. She just needed to keep twisting, one turn at a time, keep her victim wincing, increasing the pain.

‘There are many amongst the leaders that think I’ve lost you, that you’ve already gone, that you can no longer be saved.’

Kali leant forward onto the table and pressed her face close. Gaia felt the heat of the leader’s stale breath as she spat out the words.

‘I’ll save you. Whatever it takes I’ll save you.’

Kali remained poised, the tension hanging over them. Stepping back, the leader stood up straight, stretched, and placed both hands together. Kali began to play with her fingers. There was a long pause, as she lowered the tone and pace of the assault. The words were getting through, working. Kali was winning, as she always did.

‘You may be brilliant, but you can’t see beyond your own ego. It tells you you’re always right. How could you ever be wrong?’

Kali laughed. It was cold, heartless, chilling. Its waves and echoes cut through Gaia. Kali sneered out more words from the ashes of her laughter.

‘There is no right or wrong anymore. In a world of order there’s survival. Survival built on structure, safety and security. In a world of chaos there is pain. The only true escape is death. The freedom you want, the freedom of chaos only ever leads to pain and death. So, what’s it going to be? Order or chaos? Pleasure or pain? Life or death? You choose.’

The voices inside Gaia wrestled. Her head was spinning with confusion. Every instinct was telling her not to trust Kali, that her enemy was manipulating and playing with her, trying to mould and shape her as the community had moulded and shaped her life. There was the voice of doubt, the one that heard the logic and reason in Kali’s words. It saw the opportunity, and the potential for a way out. There was also the voice of hope, telling Gaia that Kali was wrong, there was another way, there had to be. This voice clung to the faintest glimmer of light, the tiny remaining fragment of faith that told her such a community existed somewhere. There was an alternative.

Kali removed the cold blade, leaving only the open wound, the icy pain inside. She stepped back and folded her arms, eyes staring down at Gaia, the cold blue pinning her victim to the chair. There was a pause. The leader continued, laying out her final offer, voice lowered to a whisper.

‘I’ve persuaded the other leaders to give me time. I’ve told them I can save you, bring you back. There’s still a chance for you. What I’m offering is this. I want you to become a leader. You’ve survived the test, proven yourself. You’ll have responsibility, power, influence. You’ll be able to support, shape and mould the lives of others. You’ll be able to develop your brilliance, and skills. You’ll be able to build that better world you seek. I’m offering you the chance to be somebody, be part of something. You’ll work alongside me and seventy three. I’ll train you both, help you develop. I’ll give you all that I know.’

Kali paused again, wanted Gaia to soak up the words, understand them, think the offer through. This moment could make or break Gaia.

‘I have to be convinced that you’re with us. I’ve got to be sure that you’re what you were always meant to be. I can save you, but only if you let me.’

Gaia listened to Kali’s words as they burrowed into her. Each word twisted inside her like a hot knife, feeling the pain of their promise and loss. Here was a choice, a way back, an opportunity. This was a path, a certain future. What were the alternatives? What would happen if Gaia did not accept? What Kali was offering was not a real choice. This was the only real option. Kali wanted to save Gaia, but this was for Kali not Gaia. Freya and Gaia were Kali’s project, and the leader did not want to see her project fail. 

Gaia was tired, her body weary and aching all over. The battle in her mind had burnt her out, along with the struggle of the past few days. Everything had converged and was crushing Gaia. She needed rest and food. Gaia had heard Kali’s pleas and held her resolve, not becoming locked in a row, or war of words. Gaia had listened and fought the onslaught, knew what was being offered. Now she just wanted to eat and rest.

‘I’m hungry.’

‘Of course, you must be. I’ll get you some food.’

Kali left the room. Gaia was alone, and gazed around the room, unable to see much but shadows. The table was dark wood, old and stained. Some of the stains were a deep dark red. The surface was scratched, littered with graffiti and etchings. The lamp flickered and hissed, the faint smell of kerosene mixed with the rank odour of the damp. The silence and solitude let the sickly smell creep back into her consciousness. Gaia could not bear it, feeling sick, as though she might choke. She listened to the rumbles in her stomach echo, the bubbles rattling inside.

Kali returned with a plate of meat, bread, cheese and salad, and a plastic beaker of apple juice. Gaia ate and drank in silence, while Kali looked on. Kali took the plate and beaker and stood at the table opposite Gaia.

‘I’m going to leave you to think about what I’ve said. When I return I want an answer.’

Kali left the room, locking the door behind her. Gaia laid her arms on the table and rested her head on them. She stared at the flickering flame of the lamp. After all they had been through it had come to this. Where were Aran, Freya, and the girls? Gaia pictured Aran’s face and tried to feel the warmth of his lips, the delicate touch of his hand. Would she ever see Aran again?

Gaia’s heart sank, the pain of loneliness and despair flooded through her. Alone with only her thoughts, Gaia realised she was weeping. Lost and lonely tears trickled down the side of her face. The light of the lamp hissed much louder, the flame flared, faded, and went out. Gaia was plunged into darkness, with her tears in the musty, foul stench of this cell. She had no idea where she was, or what the future held. There was a choice which was no choice at all, and time to think and dwell. How much time was not known. Gaia closed her eyes, fought back the tears, her eyelids trapping them. She drifted into a deep sleep. There were no dreams and no nightmares. There was only emptiness and darkness, and drowning in the depths of loneliness.

23

Gaia stirred. Her neck was sore, the side of her face and arms numb. The room was black and still reeked. There was a scratching noise in the far corner, a scuttling sound and silence. She sat up and waited. Thoughts swirled in her mind, the voices fought again. Gaia wanted to block them out, silence them, but they kept bombarding her. Her thoughts turned to Aran, Freya, and the girls again. Were they going through this too? Were they being given the same choice?

Kali’s image and voice kept appearing, the smug grin, the mocking tone, the subtle sound of triumph. Gaia tried not to think of her. The poison of hatred would destroy. If it was allowed to pollute the mind the enemy had won. Gaia had to stay focused and in control. The options were few, but she would not surrender, or let Kali’s victory be complete.

The dark, empty minutes seeped into hours, and there was nothing. Gaia was starving again after the sleep, her stomach churning knots of hunger. Her mouth was dry, a foul taste mixed with putrid air. Sleep had done little to satisfy the weariness. Her head ached, as the hours drifted by with no idea if it was night or day, her body and mind tricked by the darkness. Gaia fought back anger and frustration. This was all part of the game, to keep her waiting, to wear her out, crush her spirit to the point of desperation. Gaia was stronger than Kali imagined, resolve reinforced by a hatred of her enemy.

Gaia’s mind raced, seeing the emptiness that lay before her. If what Kali said was true, and the other leaders had given up on her, Kali was all that was keeping her alive. The enemy had become the lifeline, Gaia’s fate was at Kali’s mercy. There was an urge to attack and bring everything to an end, but killing Kali would be near impossible. She was skilled and strong, and Gaia was weary. She would need a weapon and to strike when the leader was not expecting it. Even if she did succeed it would mean almost certain death. The guards would come. Revenge would be Gaia’s final act. Her life was hanging by a delicate thread. It was fraying moment by moment as Gaia twisted and turned. What about Aran and Freya? What if they refused the offer? What if they did not want to become what Kali wanted? Would the leaders kill them? What about Ruth and Mary? Where did their future lie?

As the hours drifted by, the hunger grew, and the pain and anger evaporated into despair. Gaia lost all sense of where she was or what was happening. The darkness enveloped her, and she became delirious. Weird, distorted visions flashed through her mind. The rats chewed and began to devour her, their rabid, salivating jaws ripping at her flesh. Gaia tried to move, but could not get away. The spiders crawled over her, their thick, black hairs pricked, their bulbous eyes were staring. The creatures’ rancid breath was upon her. There was the deformed body of the calf, calling out for her help, a frenzied, desperate plea as it was led to solitude, isolation, abandonment and death. Killed by its own. Rejected and murdered for being different.

Images haunted Gaia. They were fleeting, but macabre visions of all she had seen, her worst fears. Kali came to her with a twisted, demonic face. She was shouting, spitting in her face, pressing a knife against her throat. The priest appeared sneering and dripping thick white saliva from his lips. He was standing on his pulpit, spewing out words in a language Gaia did not understand. The church seats were filled with the bloodied corpses of little girls, all in rags, their eyes gorged out and lips sewn together. Image upon image, vision after vision, a wall of madness, crushing and breaking Gaia, suffocating her. Maybe she was dying. Maybe this was how it happened. If it was the end Gaia was ready, and would welcome and embrace death, anything to escape this torture.

When Gaia thought she had reached the end a light returned. The lamp on the table flickered into life. It burned her eyes, the ache in her head raged with fire. Rubbing her eyes, Gaia could barely see, only a blur and distorted images. The haziness cleared and Gaia saw Kali. She was not demonic, but real, beyond the table, arms folded, face awash with concern. Kali’s voice was just above a whisper.

‘How are you?’

Gaia tried to speak, but her lips and mouth were dry and stuck together. Kali reached down and picked something from the floor and put it on the table.

‘Drink this.’

Gaia guided her arm towards the water bottle on the table, as though it was someone else’s arm, another body, the mind disconnected and transmitting from afar. She managed to lift the bottle to her lips, and pulled open the stopper with her teeth. The water was cool and refreshing as each gulp rushed down her throat, bringing new life, triggering the fragments that remained. There was a sickness in the pit of her stomach. Gaia had drank too much. She leant to the side of the table and threw up on the floor. Kali spoke again, her voice gentle and reassuring, almost a tinge of sadness and pity.

‘Take your time. Your body will need time.’

Gaia could taste the bile, saliva hung from her mouth and chin. She wiped them with her sleeve, and looked up at Kali, managing to force some words from her lips.

‘Can I have something to eat?’

‘Later. First we need to talk. You’ve had enough time to think. I want your answer.’

Gaia was not prepared to roll over, as the final scraps of defiance took over.

‘I don’t remember discussing anything. I just remember you spouting words.’

Kali smiled, a wry grin. Leaning forward, she rested her arms on the table. All the pity had gone from her voice, the commanding tone had returned.

‘You heard what I said. There’s a way back. All you have to do is accept my offer.’

‘And if I don’t?’

Kali stood up straight. Arms locked together, she twisted her neck, the head swaying back and forth. Kali stretched, her mouth open wide, twisting every muscle and sinew in her face. The leader continued to do this, her face contorted and mad, pondering her words.

‘You’re a murderer. People are dead because of you, one of them a leader. Do you think we could let you walk out of here? The other leaders want your blood. If you won’t accept my offer there’s nothing I can do. You’ll be taken to the haven where you’ll face justice.’

‘What about the others?’

Kali took time before answering. She was cautious in her response.

‘Seventy three was given the same offer. You come as a package. I won’t let either of you go until I am sure. She has accepted, as you will. She’s a survivor and knows what I’m capable of. The outsiders you brought with you, the two young girls, they’ve been dealt with.’

Gaia sat up, alarmed.

‘What do you mean dealt with?’

‘They don’t belong here. They aren’t pure. They aren’t of the community. Their place is outside with the others, so we’ve handed them over to their own.’

Kali’s voice was cold, no hint of emotion or remorse. The fury flared up in Gaia, what few ounces of energy she had left were plunged into her anger.

‘You’ve what! You can’t. You said yourself what it’s like out there. They’re just kids.’

Kali continued without expression, Gaia’s words were empty to her. The girls meant nothing.

‘They’re not our problem. We only have a responsibility to our own. They’re outsiders, so they can look after them, or they can fend for themselves. That’s the law on the outside. You’ve seen how it works. If they are strong enough they’ll survive.’

Gaia felt the tears welling up. Fighting them, she tried to stop her lip from trembling. The voices were rushing through her head again, but it was all babble, background noise. There was an image of the girls, lost and wandering on the moorland outside, drifting in the wilderness, without anyone to protect them. They would be at the mercy of this group of others, the elements, and the creatures. What would they do to them? Her anger fought her frustration. There was nothing Gaia could do to save them. Leaning forward onto the table, Gaia put her head down. The moments drifted by in near silence, with only the hiss of the burning lamp. Kali waited, said nothing. Gaia thought of Aran, and the words she feared. She needed to know.

‘What about Aran? You haven’t mentioned Aran.’

‘He’s fine. You needn’t worry about him.’

They waited in silence again. Gaia sat, head bowed, as Kali stood over her. Gaia knew it was over, the only victory now could be Kali’s. Would her victory be complete? Would Gaia surrender and let the enemy take total control? Kali broke the silence.

‘You can fight this, and force me to break you. And I
will
break you. Or we can cut this short, you can see sense, accept my offer and join me and your friends.’

Gaia swallowed hard, summoning any remaining energy. Her body was running on the last few drops of anger.

‘If I say yes, will you let Aran and Freya go?’

‘There are no deals here. You’re in no position to negotiate. Will you accept my offer?’

There was a long pause. The voices in Gaia’s head in a frenzy, as she blocked them out and focused on the darkness. There was a tunnel, at the end a small dot of light. Gaia walked towards it. As she neared the light burned brighter, and her eyes stung at its heat. It was a pure light, white with a raging intensity. The answer came to her. In a moment of complete clarity amongst all the madness.

‘Fuck you!’

Kali lunged onto the table and pressed her face into Gaia’s. Her eyes were glowing with fury, spit splattering Gaia as Kali fired out the words. The stench of the leader’s stale breath seared at Gaia’s nostrils.

‘This isn’t over yet.’

Kali smashed the lamp against the wall and stormed from the room leaving Gaia in darkness. Gaia collapsed onto the floor, alive but all consciousness gone.

When Gaia came to she was back in the chair, hands tied behind her back. A new lamp was on the table, its light revealing Kali. There was a towel in her hand. Gaia sensed there was someone else in the room. Gaia was beyond exhaustion, the point of no longer caring. All that kept her going was the thought of Freya and Aran and the chance they were still alive. That and the anger and hatred for Kali. Passion and love kept Gaia clinging to life, but Kali was in no mood to waste time. The games were over.

Gaia felt her hair wrenched from behind, her head was thrust back. There was the face of the woman, the watcher in the shower standing over. The guard tugged at Gaia’s hair, keeping her head steady, not letting Gaia move. Kali approached, pressing the muscles on Gaia’s cheek, forcing her mouth open, shoving the towel in. Kali leant over and picked up a bucket of water, pouring it into Gaia’s mouth. Gaia could feel the water running down her throat. She could not breath, gasping for air but there was only water. Her stomach filled and she felt a desperate urge to puke.

Everything began to slip away. Gaia’s head was floating, as though in an ocean and underwater. The light of the sun shone above, as she tried to swim, to reach it. It was no good. The more Gaia reached for the light, the further away she seemed to be.

Gaia felt a sharp pain in her stomach, the towel dragged from her mouth. She vomited the water on the table and the floor. Grasping for air, still choking, but relieved as the oxygen reached her brain. Gaia was dripping wet, her breathing desperate, drifting in and out of consciousness. Kali stood over her, watched the suffering, waiting. Kali grabbed Gaia’s hair and yanked her head back, leaning down, lips next to Gaia’s cheek, snarling in her ear.

‘Give in. The others are with me. They’ve accepted. Now it’s your turn.’

Gaia heard her words.
The others are with me.
It had to be more lies. Aran and Freya would never give in, they would never accept, would both rather die. Kali dragged Gaia’s head back again, pushed the towel into her victim’s mouth and began to pour. Kali repeated it over and over. Each time Gaia was dragged to the point of suffocation, of drowning, all consciousness slipping away. The guard would punch Gaia, spewing the water everywhere. Kali continued the assault coupled with angry words, spitting bile in Gaia’s face.

Kali ceased the torture, paced up and down in front of the table. Kali knelt in front of Gaia, lifting her face drenched in water. The leader spoke to her victim, lips pressed close, voice calm, the words slow and precise.

‘It’s time to accept your future. You’re the only one now. You’re all alone. Don’t be a fool. You’re smarter than that. You know you are.’

Gaia spat in Kali’s face, jolting forward trying to free herself from the ties binding her to the chair. Gaia’s body lurched against the table and bounced back, almost toppling over onto the floor.

‘You’re a liar! They’d never accept. ’

‘Have it your way.’

Kali moved behind Gaia, pushing her head forward towards the light, her eyeline looking across the table. Gaia’s eyesight was fuzzy, but she noticed the boots. There was someone standing in the corner, just like the dream. Gaia knew the boots.

Kali spoke, her voice triumphant, almost delirious with anger and full of disdain.

‘Your boyfriend, Aran as you call him. Did you really think he was with you? Did you think that it was real?’

Kali laughed, mocking her victim as she shook Gaia’s head and leant close to her ear.

‘Who approached you about the escape? Who suggested it? Who do you think we put up to this? He was ours all along. It was all part of my plan. The other boy, the dreamer, Yann. He was just extra baggage to make it look real. He was expendable. It’s you and Freya I wanted all along. You’re the special ones. I told you we were in control. I told you this was all just a test.’