Becoming His Muse, Complete Set (33 page)

“I don’t know for sure. I only know that parents will do anything they can to protect their children from suffering. They will even pretend to themselves that such protection is possible, which it isn’t. There is some amount of suffering in every person’s life, but such thoughts are almost unbearable when a parent thinks of his own child.”

I knew that wasn’t true of all parents, even if it was true of mine.

“That story takes place in New York,” said my grandfather, pointing to the novel in my hands. “Why don’t you keep it.”

“But it’s a signed first edition!”

He got up from his chair. “If things get rough in the city, you can always hock it for a month or two of rent.”

Thinking of that conversation, in a taxi leaving the airport and heading back to school, I smile at his generous ‘advice’. I would never hock so precious a gift, but I have been thinking I might regift it. It would be the perfect Christmas present for Logan.

I tell myself I don’t care if the family money runs out once I graduate. I’ll wait tables and clean hotel rooms if I have to. I won’t give up on my dream. If I fail, I fail. But at least I’m going to try. Maybe Ronnie and I can share a squalid studio somewhere in Alphabet City until we make names for ourselves.

Or — and I try not to let myself fantasize too much — maybe Logan will want me to be more than his muse… Maybe, once school is over, we’ll return to New York together…

After getting back to my dorm and unpacking, I head out to meet up with my friends at Mick’s. I slip on my gloves and a hat. There’s about a foot of snow covering all the campus greens but all the walkways have been cleared. It doesn’t compare to the snowdrifts of Vermont, but as I make my way across campus along salt-sprinkled pathways, I’m reminded of that snowy first night in Manhattan. Missing Logan, I sigh longingly and release a feathery plume of steam into the dark night. Logan won’t be back for another day or two. Wednesday night, I think. I can hardly wait until we can meet up at DnC’s loft. That’s when I’ll give him the book. Along with a few other ‘gifts’. My heart warms, as do other body parts, as I let my imagination run wild.

A bunch of us arrive at Mick’s at the same time. Together, Jenny, Jonathan, Ruby, Ronnie, Owen and I squish in around the big table with the round booth. We order two pitchers of beer.

“Only a few more months to go,” says Ronnie in disbelief. “I’ll never get my sculptures finished.”

“Don’t say that,”I admonish him. “You’ve got a real chance at that award. Don’t give up now.”

“You can do it,” says Owen, giving Ronnie a smile and a knee squeeze.

Jonathan leans back against the booth. “At least you’ll all be finished. I still have years of schooling left.”

“Have you applied to other colleges?” says Jenny, who’s sitting on one side of him.

Jonathan gives Ruby, who’s sitting on his other side, a glance before answering. I think he’s still waiting for her to give some indication where she’ll be moving after graduation. Poor lovestruck fool.

“Yeah, a bunch of places,” he says, sipping his beer to put an end to that part of the conversation.

“I hope you’ll come out to at least one of the theatre departments productions,” says Jenny. “I’m in
three
different plays. I’m having a hell of a time keeping all my lines straight.

“What are you doing after graduation, Ruby?” says Owen.

She sighs. “Attempting to write the great American novel, I guess.”

Jonathan leans forward. “Yeah, but
where
?”

She shrugs. “It hardly matters. Maybe at a lonely lighthouse in Maine, or some run down cabin in the Kentucky hill country, or maybe
New York
.” She winks at me as she tips her beer bottle. “At any rate, somewhere
colorful
to inspire my imagination.”

“Excuse me,” says Jonathan, shoving past Jenny and ending up on her lap.

“Ooh, big boy, what’s your hurry?” She squeezes him playfully. Ruby frowns at them.

“Nature calls,” he says, as he manages to get beyond Jenny’s groping fingers. On his way across the bar, I see him stop and talk to Laura over by the kitchen. He actually makes her smile.

I wish Ruby would give him another chance. She’s totally over Dale, and I know she’s been missing Jonathan, but she still can’t seem to give him the time of day. On the way back to the dorms after drinks, I try to talk to her about it.

“I just don’t know,” she says. “It’s like now that I realize how much I like him —maybe
love him
— I’m frozen in some way and just keep acting like a bitch toward him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m scared? It won’t be long before we’re all out of here and trying to fend for ourselves in the real world. I
am
scared, Ava.”

“We all are. Because it’s a big change. It’s unknown. We’re leaving behind what’s comfortable and we don’t know how we’ll do out there in the big, bad world.”

“I’m not sure if it’s been ‘comfortable’ exactly, but it has become familiar. I suppose it wasn’t when we first got here.” She laughs. “Remember how lost we all felt?”

“I felt so lost all I did was sketch and mope.”

“Until
I
found you.” She smiles and slides her arm through mine.

“And then you found Jonathan.”

Ruby sighs and smiles. “Yeah, we all found each other, and we discovered new parts of ourselves. It’s not been an entire waste of time.”

I laugh. “Could you tell my father that?”

“Oh, Ava, he’ll come around eventually. Once he attends your first New York art opening, sees how popular your paintings are, and how much you love living the artist’s life, he’ll just be happy you’re happy. Especially when he sees that beautiful grandchild you and Logan are going to produce.”

“Ruby!” I playfully try to shove her away but she hangs on tight to my arm.

“Oh, no,” she says with mock alarm. “You didn’t tell your parents about him yet?”

“Of course not! No one’s allowed to know. Zip up your lips and throw away the key!”

She grins gleefully. “After graduation, it won’t matter anymore. It won’t have to be a secret.” In a lilting sing-song voice she adds, “Only three more months…”

What a relief that will be. If we can just keep up pretenses for a little while longer, in a few months we’ll be free to make our own choices.

Ever since New York, I’ve felt the real possibility that things might work out between us, that we could have a real relationship and not just a secret affair. I’m not fooling myself into thinking it would be a cake walk living with him. His writerly mood swings can be difficult to take, but it’s obvious to both of us that we fuel each other’s creativity. I may be his muse, but he’s my inspiration.

All along this affair has been inspiring me in ways I never expected. I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before, and I’ve painted images I didn’t know were in me. I tell myself that should be enough. But I feel this urge, with all this passion and emotion, to reach for something more, as if there is some undeniable human need to keep growing and changing, to strive for love.

Ruby may have a sweet view of my future, but she’s no fairy godmother. Wand waving and wish granting won’t make my dreams come true. But patience, persistence, and passion might just be enough. If it’s not, if it all ends in disaster, I might have no choice but to end up crawling back to my family. I feel a sick twist in my gut when I think of that so I stop worrying along those lines. I have to cross one bridge at a time.

And regardless of what I sense Logan and I
could be
, we can only move forward from where we are right now. I’ll need to be patient. Maybe when we’re alone together on Thursday at DnC’s loft, I’ll hint at something. Or maybe we’ll just ravage each other senseless instead. I tell myself I’ll know when the time is right.

The next morning, on my way to Dr. T’s lecture, I see Madeleine exiting the auditorium on crutches.

“What happened?”

She looks down at her ankle in a cast and then looks back up at me with a huge grin on her face.

“A friend took me snowboarding over the holidays. I had the best time ever.”

Her book bag slips off her shoulder and catches on the crutch. For a moment it looks like she’s lost her balance, and the she regains it.

I grab the bag. “Let me take that. You shouldn’t be carrying so much.”

“Thanks, Ava. I’m still not used to getting around like this.”

“I’ll tell Dr. T I’m going to walk you back to your office.” She starts to protest but I cut her off. “Some of the paths are slippery. I insist. Wait for me here.”

I walk to the front of the auditorium to tell Dr. T I’ll be late. On my way back up the aisle I see Casey sashaying down wearing a floor length skirt and an army jacket.

She stops me in the aisle.

“I’ll need that key back,” she says.

“What? Why?”

“We’re getting busier with our artwork.”

I think of the puppets hanging from their rafters. I find hard to think of that as art.

“But you said I could have Thursdays.” I realize I’m whining.

“We never said for how long. You’ll have to use the campus studios again.”

“The schedule’s getting so jammed,” I mumble, digging around for the tasseled key ring. “It’s hard to get private time there.”

“If you’re really desperate you can come over and paint for a few hours with us. You’ve already seen some of the project.”

“It’s okay.” There’s no point if they’re going to be there. Using their space was always more about making love, not art.

As I hand over the key, Casey narrows her eyes. “You have kept it a
secret
, haven’t you?”

“Of course. Haven’t told a soul.” I suppose Logan knows. But she’s being unnecessarily paranoid. Her secret’s nothing compared to the one I’ve been carrying all year.

“Where’s Derrick?” I say, looking around. It’s so rare to see one without the other.

“Outside,” says Casey, dropping down into an aisle seat and pulling out her notebook.

I remember that Madeleine is waiting for me so I head up the aisle. Near the back of the auditorium I see Ronnie taking a seat.

“No napping this class,” I say to him. “I’ll need to borrow
your
notes.”

“Sure,” he says, smiling. He sits up straighter and takes out a notepad.

Outside, I see Derrick talking to Madeleine. Not talking exactly. She’s trying to twirl on her crutches and Derrick is filming her with a small camera. She’s laughing from her efforts, but I’m worried she might go ass over tea kettle on the icy bricks. I’m about to say something when he stops.

“Thanks, Professor Hare. Gotta go to class now.”

“Anytime, Derrick. And call me
Madeleine
! Good luck with your project.”

Derrick ducks into the auditorium.

“What was that all about?” I say, retrieving her bags from a nearby bench.

“Who knows! Something to do with his year end project. Though why he’d want a woman trying to twirl on crutches is beyond me.”

“Definitely odd,” I say. I start walking toward her office, feeling dejected and frustrated. No more Thursdays. What will we do now?

“This way, Ava,” says Madeleine, turning down a different. “I’m going back to my apartment to rest. I arranged a sub for my next class. It’s exhausting trying to get around like this.” But she’s still smiling. After how sad she was last term, it’s refreshing to see her so happy.

“So who took you snowboarding?”

Her eyes twinkle behind her glasses and her mouth curves into a mischievous smile. “Oh, just a
friend
.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And this
friend
is worth a broke ankle?”

She blinks and smiles even wider. “Actually, yes.”

“But you can’t tell me who it is?”

She shakes her head. “Not that I don’t think you can keep a secret.”

She winks at me. Is she hinting at something? Or am I being paranoid now? I act cool and nonchalant as we navigate the stairs to the faculty apartment building. Madeleine’s face scrunches up with concentration as she makes her way slowly up the stairs.

Once inside, standing in front of the elevator, she says, “I’m on the third floor.” With a smile, she adds. “Same as Professor O’Shane.”

I freeze. I don’t look at her Does she suspect something? I can’t be sure.

The elevator doors open. She gets in. I don’t. I hand back her satchel.

“You’re welcome to join me for tea, Ava.” She gives me a meaningful smile.

“Um, another time. I should really get back to class.”

I hurry back to class. I hurry away from the faculty apartments. Did Madeleine see me leaving the apartment sometime last term? Does she know about me and Logan? More importantly, if she does, is she going to report it?

I am trying to cross one bridge at a time, but they seem to be crumbling beneath me.