Becoming Sir (20 page)

Sarah
gave him a half-smile. “The closet?”

“Yes, it’s that way. Top shelf, far back corner,” he waved in the direction of his bedroom.

She laughed and disappeared. Upon her return she was not only holding the bottle of liquor, but the old guitar that had been stored on the same shelf.

Sawyer smiled
at the sight of it. He hadn’t laid eyes on it since Serena’s passing.

Sarah cracked the seal on the alcohol and the smell immediately
hit him, making his mouth salivate.

“So what’s the story on the guitar?” she asked as she began to pour a glass of whiskey.

“My wife gave it to me as a wedding gift and along with guitar lessons. She always wanted to marry a rockstar,” he laughed. “I hated the damned thing…” he stopped, looking down at his fingers and rubbing his thumb over the pads. The calluses were long gone but he remembered the pain of earning them well. “I grew to love it, though. Serena loved it, too. I used to play it for her when she was going through chemo.”

When he looked up, Sarah was standing immobile and watching him thoughtfully with two
half-full glasses of Jack in her hands. Her deep-set eyes were large and wet, and she cleared her throat before finally lifting her arm to hand him his drink.

“I can’
t, Sarah; I’m a recovering alcoholic. But if you want to drink, feel free. I just can’t join you.”

She dropped her hand to her side again. “Don’t be silly. If you’re not drinking, then neither
am I,” she stated resolutely, walking over and emptying the glasses into the sink.

Sawyer cringed
at seeing the Jack go to waste but was touched at the gesture. Sonya consistently drank alcohol in front of him despite his addiction, and never once gave a second thought to how difficult it was at seeing her do it.

Facing  him
, confusion flashed in her eyes. “Why do you have whiskey in your house?”

He
shrugged guiltily and seated himself at the table. “It’s a good reminder of where I don’t ever want to end up again.”

Placing her hands on her hips, she raised her brows
suspiciously. “That’s not the only reason, though, is it?”

Picking up the fork
, Sawyer poked at his pasta, not wanting to answer the question. He felt exposed once again. Sarah seemed to have that effect on him. Glancing up, he moved his shoulders in a half-assed shrug and puckered his mouth.

“Okay. Then we
’ll just have to get rid of it. Do you want to do the honors or should I?” she asked, grabbing the bottle and moving to the sink.

Sighing loudly, he
moved next to her. He knew it had to be done. Hell, he should’ve done it himself eons ago.

“I’ll do it,” he replied, taking the bottle from her hands and quickly pouring the remainder of the liquid down the sink.

Sarah’s eyebrows went up in shock at how swiftly he moved and Sawyer huffed, “What?”

“Nothing. I just thought…”
she shook her head.

“Well don’t think. Just because I’m an alcoholic doesn’t mean I don’t have the balls to do what needs to be done,” he sniped defensively.

“A
recovering
alcoholic,” she politely corrected.

“Wh
atever; same fucking difference,” he grumbled.

“No, it’
s not, Sawyer, and you know it,” her accusing voice stabbed the air.

“
Are you done lecturing me, Sarah?” his tone was inflamed and thunderous.

Her eyes darted around the room nervously before resting on the floor
. “I didn’t mean to lecture.”

Sawyer suddenly felt like a complete shit. “
Fuck…” he breathed out. “I’m sorry. I just hate talking about my issues. You’re right; it isn’t the same.”

“You don’t ever have to apologize to me, Sir. Simply acknowledging that you were mistaken is enough. I’m sorry for pushing you,”
she countered timorously.

His hand lightly touched her chin. “Trust me w
hen I say I need to be pushed.”

In one forward mot
ion Sarah pressed against his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist and hiding her face in the fabric of his linen shirt.

***

Post dinner discussions began and Sawyer was eager to get Sarah’s take on his upcoming scene with Ciara. He read to her Ciara’s one and only hard limit and she gave him a probing stare with something flickering far back in her luminous eyes.

“I have experience with breath play, Sir,” she stated matter-of
-factly, her voice carefully colored in neutral shades.

His lip
s thinned and his eyes narrowed. “What are you suggesting?”

“I’m n
ot suggesting; I’m stating a fact. If you want to learn from me, then use me. We’re both sane and consenting adults, Sawyer. If you want to wait for Dylan and Isabel, that’s fine, but I’m sitting here in front of you, willing and ready to begin your lesson,” she regarded him with intense analysis.

“But…” he
tried to come up with an excuse, but could think of none. “How much experience do you have?” he was finally able to ask.

“Compared to whom? To you? A
n immense amount. It was one of Master Doug’s fetishes.”

He hadn’t
been prepared for her response and fear, cold and stark, washed over him. What if he hurt her? Or worse… killed her? Sawyer closed his eyes and leaned his head back, his mind congested with doubts and worries. What if he couldn’t stop himself in time? What if his dark headspace overtook him?

“You won’
t hurt me, if that’s what you’re afraid of. I know my limits.  You need to learn to trust, Sawyer; not just me, but yourself. Just hours ago you didn’t think it possible to punish me. Oh, Sir, don’t you know that on the edge of fear is where trust grows?”

He was momentarily speechless in his
wonderment of Sarah’s confidence in him. But it was false confidence as far as he was concerned if she didn’t know his past and why he was fearful of experimenting with something so dangerous.

He drew in a deep breath and forced himself to respond. “I need to tell you something firs
t before we go forward. You can decide if you still want to go through with this only after you know everything about me.”

Sarah became instantly interested and moved closer to Sawyer. He turned his face away and physically withdrew from her. She might retract her statement of him being sane once she knew all the facts.  After a long pause during which he struggled for the words to say, he gave in to the inevitable and confessed in three simple yet tortured, quiet words. 

“I’m a murderer.”

He glanced at Sarah so see intense astonishment on her face as she stared at him, tongue-tied.  After another protracted and painfully quiet moment, he forced himself to face her, wondering why the hell she wasn’t hauling ass in the opposite direction.

“Say something,” he demanded.

Her mouth dropped open. “I’m not sure what to say without you first explaining what that statement means.”

He clenched his mouth tight, the muscle in his jaw quivering from agitation at the whole situation. “A stat
ement like that doesn’t need further explanation, does it?”

Blinking rapidly, she gave his
face and body a raking once over. “Of course it does. You say ‘murderer’ as in present tense. Are you a serial killer or vigilante?”

Rolling his eyes, Sawy
er chuckled. “No, I’m not that kind of murderer.”

“Then what
kind are you?”

“
The kind who’s murdered a lot. On the orders of others. When I worked for the The Agency. Even a few after,” he answered in clipped sentences as the thoughts came to him, hoping that his admission wouldn’t send Sarah running to the police. Of course the CIA would deny his employment so it’s not like anything would ever come of it if she did.

“So you
were
a murderer; not you
are
a murderer,” she plunged on, obviously not as shocked by his statement as he had expected her to be.

“Semantics, my dear,” Sawyer answered, his vexation
with her response clearly evident.

“
Since we’re coming clean, I should tell you something about myself, as well. I’m a cheater and a liar,” she fidgeted with the ruffled hem of her shirt, her voice dropping in volume to barely a whisper.

Sawyer
bristled and shifted in his seat. “What do you mean?”

“Before I married Master Doug, when we were
still dating, things had gotten bad between us. I was so unhappy. We hardly spoke or had meaningful physical contact. I’m sure he was miserable, too, but he never let on. Or maybe he did and I just didn’t see the signs…” she stared off into the distance. “I cheated on him. Worse than that, I had an affair. When Doug found out, he… he…” her eyes welled up and she swallowed hard, “…he forgave me. He said it was both our faults for not being honest with our desires and wants. It’s what got him interested in BDSM. He forgave me, Sawyer. Can you believe that? I still can’t.” She dabbed the corner of her eyes with the back of her hand. “I didn’t deserve his forgiveness.  I cheated and lied, but he loved me anyway…” she smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear, “and we learned about BDSM together and exonerated each other of the hurts that we caused one other, and he never held it against me. And that wonderful man eventually married me. Me, Sawyer, a cheater and a liar. He married a cheater and a liar…”

“Stop calling yourself that,” he
cut in, responding in a critical tone, his dark eyes searching her gloomy face.

“Why? Isn’t that what I am?”

“No. You made a mistake, that’s all. You’re human.”

“So are you. Don’t you get it? I’m not a cheater, I
was
a cheater. I was a different person then just like you are now. So you see? You’re not a murderer, you
were
a murderer. Or is it still just semantics, dear?” she responded with light sarcasm in her tone.

He
smiled and lifted his eyebrows at her. “Is that sarcasm I detect, Ms. Henderson? Because I believe that’s grounds for punishment.”

She turned away embarrassed and shook her head, but the seriousness of the situation was still lingering
in the air. “I appreciate your opinion, but you’re wrong. First of all, you’re comparing apples and oranges. Second, I’m still the same man I was then with the same feelings; I’m just a little less quick to pull the trigger than I was before.  And though I’m not proud of my actions, I’m not ashamed of them. And I’m sure as hell not sorry for the lives I’ve taken.”

H
e paused, momentarily confounded by the sparkling passion in her eyes. He had just admitted he would kill again if he had to, but she showed no fear. Reaching out, Sarah touched the top of his hand, the warmth of her skin sending tingling sensations over his entire upper body. No. He couldn’t accept her touch and pulled his hand away. Maybe if he clarified things a little more she would take his admission more seriously.

“
I’ve done atrocious things, Snowflake. Ghastly, brutal things; bloodied and buried men without compassion or conscience; seen and done vile things you can’t even fathom; covered my tracks; and lied to the only person who meant anything to me to hide it all. Trust me when I tell you my dark headspace isn’t somewhere you want to be. Doesn’t that bother you in the least?”

Taking in a quick breath, she let it out slowly and dropped her eyes to the floor. His heart sank. It was the same look Sonya had given him not so long ago right before things ended between them.

“Yes and no
. Do I like what you’ve done? No, but those things are in your past and it’s not my place to judge the decisions you’ve made. I was under the impression you were seeking to change your life. Was that a lie?”

Raising her eyes, Sawyer scanned them for some kind of revelation into what she was thinking and feeling, but once again they were like the ocean - deep and unfathomable.
“No. I do want to change my life.”

“So then you’re not the same man, are you?”

Sarah’s dogged stubbornness was exasperating and all he could do was shake his head and sigh. He was the same man. Why couldn’t she just accept that?

“Why are you telling me all of this? Do you want me to run the other way? Are you looking for a
n out? Is that it?”

Sarah’s question stunned him and the surprise was hard to hide in his voice.
“Of course not. Do you think I wanted to tell you about this side of me? No. I had to. I simply don’t like bringing up my past because of the scrutiny and unwarranted fear it causes in people,” he commented with heavy irony.

“You just said it yourself:
unwarranted
fear. And why is it unwarranted?”

Sawyer thought long and hard when realization hit him, “Because I don’t want to harm everyone,
just those who truly deserve it and those who have harmed the ones I love.”

“And that just goes to prove that you’re valiant at heart. Does knowing all of this change how I feel about you? In all honesty, yes, but not so negatively that I can’t get past it. It takes a brave person to be
truthful. Do I still trust you? Yes, undoubtedly. If you wanted to hurt me, you could’ve done it at any point tonight. You also could’ve harmed Isabel and even Ciara, but you didn’t.  It’s been a very revealing night, Sir, and it’s a lot to take in, but my decision remains the same and my offer still stands. I’m here for you to learn from, take this opportunity or leave it.”

Sawyer shook his head once more. He had never considered himself valiant at heart, much less brave. But who was he to dispel Sarah’s image of who she thought he was? She was eager to
teach and please him, and he was more than willing to learn from her and accept her pleasure.  No, not just willing – craving and longing for what she could do for him.

***

Preparing to test his mental limits and learn from Sarah’s vast experience, Sawyer dressed down in loose-fitting running pants, socks and a tank top while she unclothed herself down to her bra and panties, and spread out on his bed.

“
It’s times like these I wish I had my own dungeon,” he commented.

She giggled, raised her arms above her head and grinned.
“Dungeons are over-rated. A good quality, under-mattress tie-down set and waterproof sheets are all you really need to get the job done.”

“I’ll have
to look into that,” he laughed as he picked out a slow intense song for the occasion.

“I have one that I’d be happy to donate to
ward your educational endeavors if you’re interested. It might as well get put to good use, and since there’s no Master in my foreseeable future, it’s all yours.”

So Sarah had made the choice for him. Standing at the foot of the bed, Sawyer watched her closely, slightly p
ut off by her statement. He had never misjudged a situation so badly in his life. After everything they had shared, it shouldn’t have surprised him that she didn’t want a future with him.

Lifting her head, Sarah gave him a puzzled look. “Is something wrong?”

“I just thought…” he gritted his teeth. “Are you sure about this?” he changed the subject.

“Yes. Since I won’t be able to speak, I’ll touch your chest or forearm as a signal to stop action. Come closer and straddle me,” she instructed.

He reached for his phone and cued
Love Songs, Drug Songs
and
Inconsolable
by X Ambassadors.

He needed
the music to calm him.  The song began and he let the sexy words wash over him before climbing onto the bed. He did as he was told, placing his legs on either side of Sarah’s chest as she lay splayed out on his queen-sized bed. Taking his hand, she guided it to her throat as he wrapped his long fingers around her neck.

“I’ll keep my hand on yours for starters. Master Doug used to say it was all in my eyes, so keep a close watch on them. Gently, squeeze, like this…” she applied pressure over his hand, her breath hitching slightly and her eyes rolling back.  He was mesmerized by what he was
seeing - his hand wrapped seductively around the delicate neck of a beautiful, willing participant.  Who would’ve ever thought something so disturbing could be so erotic and exciting.

“Yes,
like that,” she squeaked out lustily, her body twisting beneath him. Only a few seconds later, she released his hand. When his grip loosened, she took in a slow deep breath.

“God, that feels so good, Sawyer,” she panted out. “Again, a little harder and longer this time. Wait for my sign.”

Sawyer’s cock hardened when Sarah once again guided his hand to her neck and applied pressure to her carotid artery. He thought taking Ciara the way he had felt powerful, but it didn’t compare to what he was feeling at this moment.  How could he be aroused by something so unsettling? Conflicted by his feelings of shame and arousal, he did his best to brush them off like he had with Ciara. It was time to awaken his true sexual desires and give Sarah what she was undeniably turned on by.

Slowly, his grip
intensified and Sarah’s gaze drifted to some other place. The color of her eyes reminded him of the sea, shimmering like pools of deep blue, still water. His eyes darted back and forth between each of her eyes, seeking out the sign that he was delivering too much pressure, but he saw nothing and began to worry maybe he had missed it. He attempted to loosen his hold, but Sarah mouthed the word ‘more.’ Her eyes widened infinitesimally and her pupils flared.  In a flash she released his hand and touched his forearm. Immediately, he let her go and she inhaled sharply.

“
Oh, Sir,” she began to cry.

D
ismayed, he pulled her up by the shoulders and held her against his chest.

“Are you okay?” he whispered.

“It’s been so long since I’ve felt this good; too long. You’re strong hands feel so amazing around my throat. I’m so close to coming, please do it again, this time on your own.”

Sawyer laid her back down, his eyes scanning her face, then body. Again, he had
misinterpreted the situation.

“You’re an
ever changing mystery,” he beamed down at her.

“I’
m no mystery; I’m just a simple woman with complex fantasies and fetishes,” she batted her tear-covered lashes at him.

“I thought this was Master Doug’s fetish?”
he lifted one side of his mouth in a wry smirk.

“What my
Master loved, I learned to appreciate and even love. Please, Sir, again?” she begged.

“You look nothing less than stunning when you beg, Sarah,” he growled, snaking his h
and up to her throat intentionally slow and teasing. After he repositioned his hard body over hers, his other hand slid between them and into her panties, seeking out her clit. “There it is…” he licked his lips, pressing his thumb against it firmly.

Wrapping his
long fingers around her neck one final time, he slowly began to clamp around her throat, his eyes piercing into her, watching closely. Sarah’s breathing halted the harder he squeezed, her lashes fluttering wildly and her body writhing beneath him, eager for his touch. An unknown potent emotion surged through him when he felt Sarah’s heartbeat against his fingertips in a way that alternately thrilled and frightened him.